THE
London Spy
Compleat,
In Eighteen-Parts.

By the Author of the Trip to JAMAICA.

LONDON,

Printed and Sold by J. How, at the Se­ven Stars in Talbot-Court in Grace-Church-street, 1703.

TO THE
READER.

PRefaces are now become so Common to every little Treatise, that I wonder there is not one to the Horn-BookHornbook: a tablet of wood with a handle, on which has been mounted a leaf of paper with the alphabet or other text for study, covered with a thin sheet of translucent horn. Prefaces were an innovation mocked for padding books with useless information, or, especially by the Scriblerians, for encouraging false learning in readers who cared not to read and study the actual text.; and indeed oftentimes, like Womens Faces, are found the most Promising and Inviting part of the whole Piece. But when a thing is U­sual, tho’ never so Ridiculous in the Eye of Reason, yet a Man, like him that spoiles his Stomach with a mess of Porridge before Dinner, may plead Custom to excuse his Error. I therefore hope it will be no Offence to Conform with others, and show my self a Fool in Fashion.

Some Authors are meer BeausMeer (mere) Beaus: empty-headed, silly fops or dandies. The New Dictionary of the Terms Ancient and Modern of the Canting Crew (1699) characterizes such a man as following “the Fashions nicely, Powdering his Neck, Shoulders, &c.” in Wri­ting, and Dress up each Maggotty FlirtMaggotty Flirt: unoriginal, inconsequential idea. A flirt is a trivial jibe or witticism; infested with maggots, it is not merely outdated, but long dead and putrid. that creeps from their Mouldy Fancy, with a fine Dedication, tho’ to John-a-Nokes;John-a-Nokes: a fictitious or nameless person (like a John Doe in current usage), implying the author has pretensions of being sponsored by a wealthy or aristocratic patron. and a long Preface to a little Matter,

like an Aldermans Grace to a Scholar’s Commons, thinking their Pigmy Products look as Naked without these Ornaments,their Pigmy Products look as Naked without these Ornaments: that is, their little books would not seem complete without the addition of a preface. Humphrey Crouch had joked that a book without a preface was “(as our Modern Wits say) Like a House without a Porch” in England’s Jests Refin’d and Improv’d (1693). as a Puritan without his Band,Band: a neck band or falling collar, a pair of cloth strips hanging down in front, commonly worn by judges and lawyers, the clergy, academics, the military, and so on. or a Whore without her Patches.Patches: beauty spots, small pieces of decorative black fabric worn on the face, neck, or shoulders to call attention to beautiful features, and to hide skin blemishes. They stereotypically characterized prostitutes’ features, as they were used to hide syphilitic sores.

For my part I only use this Preamble as a Sow Gelder does his Horn,as a Sow Gelder does his Horn: those who made their living spaying sows would announce their presence to potential customers by blowing a horn. Ward plays on the image of this downgraded herald to introduce simultaneously his graphic humour and his purported aim: to excise the wrongdoings of his fellow Londoners. that as by Hearing of the latter, you may give a shrewd guess at his Business; so by Rea­ding of the former, you may rightly understand my Design, which I assure you in the first place, is not to Affront or Expose any Body; for all that I propose is, to ScourgeScourge: chastise; “whip” or ““lash” with his satire. Vice and Villany, without leveling Characters at any Person in par­ticular. But if any unhappy Sinner, thro’ the Guilt of his own Conscience, shall prove himself such an Ass, to take that BurthenBurthen: burden. upon his own Shoulders, which Hundreds in the Town have as much Right to bear as himself, he has no Reason to be Angry with me, but may thank himself, or his Destiny, for making his tender Back so fit for the Pack-Saddle.

THE
London-Spy.
PART I

AFTER a tedious Confinement to a Coun­try Hutt, where I dwelt like DiogenesDiogenes: a Cynic philosopher who rejected luxury and purportedly lived in a tub, which he rolled from place to place. Diogenes favoured reason above convention and political power, and for this he was often labelled mad. The comparison to Diogenes could be read as favourable—or not: in A Tritical Essay Upon the Faculties of the Mind (1707), Swift wrote: “And although Diogenes lived in a tub, there might be, for aught I know, as much pride under his rags as in the finespun garment of the divine Plato.” in his Tub, or an Owl in a Hollow-Tree,An Owl in a Hollow-Tree: a self-deprecating joke. The Athenian owl, bird of Pallas Athene, or Minerva, represents knowledge and wisdom. In London iconography, it was a symbol of Augustan ideals (see Strype’s map of London and Westminster, 1720). The owl is later adopted and inverted by the Scriblerians (est. 1713) to ironically represent false wisdom, dullness and stupidity. taking as much delight in my Books, as an AlchymistAlchymist: by the end of the 17th century alchemy had fallen into disrepute and the use here implies false learning and fraudulent charlatans concerned with the transmutation of base metals into gold and the so-called Philosopher’s Stone. According to John Harris in Lexicon Technicum (1708), alchemists “amuse the Ignorant and Unthinking with hard Words and Non-sense ... [Alchymy is] an Art without an Art, which begins with Lying, is continued with Toil and Labour, and at last ends in Beggary.” does in Bellows;Bellows: alchemists used a bellows to regulate the amount of air available to (and thus the temperature of) their furnaces in the process of distillation. till tired with Seven Years search after Knowledge, I began to reckon with my self for my Time; and examine what a SolomonSolomon: the Biblical King Solomon was renowned for exceeding all men in wisdom and knowledge. my diligent En­quiry into the uncertain Guesses of our Fore-Fathers had made me; but soon fell upon the Opinion of So­crates, and found my self as much the Wiser, as if, like the LoobyLooby: a lazy, dull fellow. Achilles, I had spent my Hours at a Distaff. This was no little Vexation to a Man of my Genius, to find my Brains loaded to no purpose, with as many Antiquated Tringum TrangumsTringum Trangum: a trinket; “a Whim, or Maggot,” according to The New Dictionary of the ... Canting Crew (1699) as are lodg’d in the Whimsical Noddle of an Old Astrologer,Astrologer: By the end of the 17th century, astrologers—like alchemists—represented false learning: according to Harris, astrology is “a ridiculous Piece of Foolery”; it is “an Art which pretends to foretell future things from the Motion of the Heavenly Bodies, and their Aspects to one another; and also from some Imaginary Qualities, which the foolish Admirers of this Cheat will have to be in the Stars, as the Causes of great Sublunary Effects; though they have no tolerable Grounds to prove that there are any such things” (Harris, 1708). and yet could

make ’twice Ten no more than Junior Soph,Junior Soph: university students progressed through designations as Freshmen, Sophomores, Junior Soph, or Sophesters, and finally Senior Sophs., or a Chalk Accountant.Chalk Accountant: a bookkeeper who keeps a tally on a chalkboard, and whose earnings are accordingly low; Ward describes the office of a Chalk Accountant as keeping “a trencher-register of the club reckoning, to prevent the landlord’s double-scoring at the bar or the like” in Satyrical Reflections on Clubs (1710), 62–4. The position in the alleged “Surly Club” was worth twenty pounds per year. (62–4). These Reflections put me into as great a Passion with my self, as a Beau when he dawbs his Clothes,to dawb: to cover with finery or ornaments gaudily or ostentatiously; to cover with something specious in order to give a favourable impression. or makes a false step in the Salutation of his Mistress, that I resolv’d to be no longer Aristotle’s Sumpter-Horse,Sumpter-Horse: A pack horse that carries necessities for a journey. or, like a Tinkers-Ass,Tinker’s Ass: a tinker was a person who travelled from place to place mending metal pots, kettles, and utensils. Tinkers were held in low repute, as attested by expressions such as “a tinker's damn,” and they were associated in some regions with disreputable vagrants: the tinker’s ass lugging about the baggage of such a master was no fine steed. carry a BudgetBudget: a leather pouch or bag. for my Ancestors, stuff’d full of their Frenzical Notions, and the Musty Conceits of a parcel of dreaming Prophets, fabulous Poets, and old doating Philosophers; but shifted them off one by one, with a Fig for St. Austin and his Doctrines, a Fart for Virgil and his Elegancy, and a T—d for Descarts and his Philosophy: Till, by this means, I had rid my Brains of those troublesome Crotchets,Crotchets: whimsies; idle fancies. which had rais’d me to the Excellence of being half Fool and half Madman, by studying the weighty difference between Up-side-down and Top-side-turvey, or to be more knowing in some such Nicety, than the rest of my Neighbours.

At last, I thank my Stars, I turn’d my Back-side upon Times-past, and began, like a wary Traveller, to look before me; and now having recover’d my Native Liberty, I found an Itching Inclination in my self to visit London; and to shun the Censure of my Sober Country Friends, I Projected,to project: to design or contrive. for their Satis­faction, and my own Diversion, the following Journal, wherein I purpose to expose the Vanities and Vices of the Town, as they shall by any Accident occur to my knowledge, that the Innocent may see by Reflection, what I should gain by Observation and Intelligence, and not by Practice or Experience. With this Design I pursu’d my Journey, and the Second Day enter’d our Metropolis, with as much Wonder and Amazement, as the Hatfield-Fiddler did Old-Nicks Palace,Old Nick’s Palace: Old Nick, the devil; his palace, Hell. in the time of the Christmas Holy-days. I had just pas’d thro’ Aldgate, like a Ball thro’ a Port of a Billiard-Table, but by good Fortune met an old School-fellow, whom I found had laid down the Gown,laid down the Gown: abandoned his studies (the gown being the attire of a member of a university). and took up the Sword, being

Trick’d up in as much Gaiety as a Dancing-Master upon a Ball-day, or a Young Sheriff at a County-Assizes. After we had mutually dispatch’d our Complements to each other, and I had Awkwardly return’d, in Country Scrapes,Scrapes: awkward bows. his All-a-modeAll-a-mode: à la mode, i.e., in the latest fashion. Bows and Cringes, he would needs prevail with me to Dine with him at a a Tavern hard by, with some Gentlemen of his Acquaintance, which I, being an utter Stranger in the Town, very readily Embrac’d. He enter’d the Tavern first, like a Young ’Squire attended with his Fathers Chaplin; for a Black Coat and Band, are as great signs of a Parson or a Pe­dagogue, as a Blew-Frock is of a Butcher or a Tallow-Chandler. Besides, my Hat, by often handling, being tug’d into the Canonical Flap, I look’d like a Dea­con who had laid by his Crape,Crape: thin worsted material, out of which the dress of the clergy was sometimes made. in order to the Re-baptising of his Soul in Claret, without the danger of being seen Staggering in his Faith, to the Scandal of his Function.

As soon as we came near the Bar, a thing started up all Ribbons, Lace and Feathers, and made such a Noise with her Bell and her Tongue together, that had half a dozen Paper-Mills been at work within three Yards of her, they’d have been no more than so many Lutes to a Drum, or Ladies Farts to a Peal of Ordnance, which alarm’d Two or Three nimble heeld Fellows aloft, who shot themselves down Stairs with as much Cele­rity as a Mountebanks Mercury upon a Rope from the top of a Church-Steeple,Mountebanks Mercury upon a Rope from the top of a Church-Steeple: performers known as rope-sliders would fasten a rope to a steeple or tower and "fly" down the rope head first, arms and legs outstretched. Hogarth's engraving Southwark Fair (1733) shows such a performer descending from the bell tower (top right). Ward's wordplay combines "mountebank," an itinerant entertainer who profits by selling goods to gullible buyers, with "Mercury," the Olympian god associated with thievery, who flies "as fleet as thought." every one charged with a mouthful of Coming, Coming. This suddain clutter at our Appearance, so surpriz’d me, that I look’d as Silly as a Bumpkin Translated from the Plough-TailPlough-Tail: plough handle. to the Play-House, when it Rains-Fire in the Tempest, or when Don John’s at Dinner with the Subteranean Assembly of terrible Hobgoblins. He that got the start, and first approach’d us, of these Grey-hound-footed Emissaries, desir’d us to walk up, telling my Companion, his Friends were above. Then with a Hop, Stride, and

and Efaith I found by their Eating, they were no ways affronted at their Fare; for in less time than an Old Woman can crack a Nut, we had not left enough to Dine the Bar-Boy. The Conclusion of our Dinner was a Stately Cheshire Cheese, of a Groaning Size, of which we devour’d more in three Minutes, than a Million of Maggots could have done in three Weeks. After Cheese comes nothing; then all we desir’d was a clear Stage and no Favour; accordingly every thing was whip’d away in a Trice, by so cleanly a Conveyance, that no Jugler, by Virtue of Hocus Pocus, cou’d have conjur’d away his Balls with more Dexterity. All our empty Plates and Dishes were in an instant chang’d into full Quarts of Purple Nectar, and Unsullied Glasses: Then a Bumper to the King in General, another to the Church Establish’d in particular, a third left to the Whimsey of the Toaster, till at last their Slippery Engines of Ver­bosity, coin’d Nonsence with such a facil fluency, that a parcel of Alley Gossips at a Christening, after the Sack has gone twice round, could not with their Tattling Tormenters, be a greater Plague to a Fumbling God-Father, than their lame Jests and impertinent Cunnun­drums were to a Man of my Temper. Oaths were as plenty as Weeds in an Alms-House Garden, and in Triumph flew about from one to t’other, like Squibs and Crackers in Cheap-side, when the Cuckolds all-a-Row March in Splendour thro’ the City. But thanks to good Fortune, my Friend in a little time redeem’d me out of this Purgatory, perceiving my uneasiness, made an apology for our going; and so we took our Leaves. I offer’d to pay my Proportion, but the whole Body of the Society stood up, Nemine Contradicente, with a Thousand Thanks to me for my good Company; tho’ I had sat all the time as silent as a Quaker, unmov’d by the Spirit, at a Hum Drum Meeting. As we walk’d out we were attended by the whole Family to the Door, with as many Welcomes at our Arses, as a Man

has Thank ye’s and Lord Bless ye’s, from a Gang of Mum­pers, for a Penniworth of Charity.

But as soon as we were got clear of our Noisie Flatterers, I began to ask of my Friend, what sort of generous Gentlemen those were who had so kindly Treated us? He smil’d at my Enquiry, and told me, I could scarce guess by what Measures they Bouy’d up such a seeming Grandeur. Did you take Notice (says he) of the Gentleman in a Blew Coat, Red-Stoc­kins, Silver-hilted Sword, and Edg’d-Hat, who sat at the upper end of the Table? He was a Sword-Hilt Ma­ker by his Trade, but prov’d so very Ingenious at his Tools, that he hath acquir’d the Art of Cutting Medals or Stamps, and is mighty great with most of the Bankers and topping Goldsmiths about Town; you may guess from thence how he employs his Talent: He keeps his Brace of Geldings, and a great many Brace of worse Cattle, living at the rate of a thousand Pounds a Year, and passes, to those that know him not, for a Gentleman of good account in the North of England; and his Bills will pass as Currant in Lombard-street as the best Merchants in the City.

There was a Handsome lusty young Fellow who sat next him, with a Wheel-Barrow full of Periwig on, and a whole piece of Muslin about his Neck, and stunk as strong of Orange-Flower-Water as a Spaniard does of Gar­lick. He was the other Day but a Wine-Coopers Pren­tice, and a brisk young Dame in the City, who was forced by her Father to Marry an Old Merchant for the sake of his Riches, maintains him in that Equipage you see, for supplying the Defects of her feeble Husband, and now he is grown so Prodigal, that he won’t wash his Hands in anything but Juice of Oranges and Hungary-Water, Dines every day at the Tavern, at the Play-House every Night, stirs no where without a Coach; and has his Fencing-Master, Dancing-Master, Singing-Master, French-Master, and is as Compleat a City Beau (notwithstanding he was bred to the Adds and Driver) as you shall see in Lom-Lombard-street Church

bard-street Church of a Sunday, or in Drapers-Garden an Hour before Dinner-time.

If you observ’d, there was a little Demure Spark, in a Diminutive Cravat, and Fox-colour’d Wig, with a Hat as broad as an Umbrella, whose level Brims discover’d it was carefully preserv’d in that order by a Hat-Case and Smoothing-Iron: He seems greatly to affect Antiquity, you might see by his Garb, tho’ the Coat he has on has not been made above this two Months, yet he would have it in the Anc­ient Mode, with little Buttons, round Cuffs, narrow Skirt, and Pockets within two Inches of the Bottom, as the most proper Fashion for his Business; and for all ’tis so scanty, he makes it serve him for a Cloak, with which it covers abundance of Shame, and a great deal of Knavery. He’s an Incomparable Herauld, and will give you an exact Ge­nealogy of most good Families in England; and has the Art of making himself a Kin, when he sees it convenient. To be short with you, he is one of those Gentile Mumpers we call Cadators; he goes a Circuit round England once a year, and under pretence of a Decay’d Gentleman, gets both Money and Entertainment at every good House he comes at. And if he has opportunity to handsomely convey away a Silver Beaker, or a Spoon or two, he holds no long dispute with his Conscience about the Honesty of the matter; Then comes up to Town, and enjoyes the be­nefit of his Rural Labours.

Another you needs must take particular notice of, that pluck’d out a pair of Pocket-Pistols, and laid them in the Window, who had a great Scar cross his Forehead, a twist­ed Wig, and lac’d Hat on; the Company call’d him Cap­tain; he’s a Man of considerable Reputation amongst Birds of the same Feather, who I have heard say thus much in his Praise, that he is as Resolute a Fellow as ever Cock’d Pistol upon the Road; and indeed I do believe he fears no Man in the World but the Hang-Man; and dreads no Death but Choaking. He’s as generous as a Prince, treats any Body that will keep him Company; loves his Friend as

dearly as the Ivy does the Oak, will never leave him till be has Hug’d him to his Ruine. He has drawn in twenty of his Associates to be Hang’d; but had always Wit and Money enough to save his own Neck from the Halter. He has good Friends at Newgate, who give him now and then a Squeeze when he is full of Juice; and give him their Words to stand by him, which he takes as a Verbal Policy of In­surance from the Gallows, till he grows Poor thro’ Idle­ness, and then (he has Cunning enough to know) he may be Hang’d thro’ Poverty. He’s well acquainted with the Ostlers about Bishopsgate-street and Smithfield; and gains from them Intelligence of what Booties goe out that are worth attempting. He accounts them very honest Tikes, and can with all safety trust his Life in their Hands, for now and then Gilding their Palms for the good Services they do him. He pretends to be a Disbanded Officer, and reflects very feelingly upon the hard usage we poor Gen­tlemen meet with, who have hazarded our Lives and For­tunes for the Honour of our Prince, the Defence of our Coun­try, and Safety of Religion; and after all to be Broke without our Pay, turn’d out without any consideration for the dangers and difficulties we have run thro’; at this rate, Wounds who the Devil wou’d be a Soldier? As such sort of Cant he is excellent, and utters himself with as little He­sitation, and as great Grace as a Town-Stallion when he Dissembles with his Generous Benefactress, who believes all he says to be as true as the Gospel.

He that sat over-against him, in the Plate-button’d Suit and White-Beaver Hat, is a kind of an Amphibe­ous Rascal, a Compound of two sorts of Villany; He is one half Town-Trap, and the other half Sweetner. He always keeps at his beck three or four handsome young Wenches, well Equip’d, and in good Lodgings, who are all Modesty without, and nothing but Lewd­ness within; who can seem as Innocent as Doves, and be as Wicked as Devils. Whose Education from their Cradles, under some skilful Matron in Iniquity, have

made them pleasant Companions, taking Bedfellows, expert Jilts, incorrigible Sinners, and good managers of a bad Design: Who had Whores to their Mothers, Rogues to their Fathers, Bawds to their Tutors; and under a Deceitful Countenance, are so Case-harden’d in Impudence, that they never were sorry for any thing, but that they were too Young to be Whores, when they were Old enough to endeavour it. These are his Working Tools, who by their Beauty, Youth, and Airyness, Insinuate into the Affections of Young Merchants, Shopkeepers Prentices, &c. whose Juvenal Fury carries them too often into the Ruinous Embraces of these Treacherous Strumpets; who when with their Wanton-Tails seem most obliging to their Admirers, their Mercenary Thoughts are Projecting something to their Injury; like a Water-Lane Protestant, who when at Church seems most Devout, is picking the Pocket of some over-Penitent Christian, who is so Zealous at his Prayers, that he neglects to Watch; and whilst he has God in his Heart, has the Devil fumbling a­bout his Breeches.

He accounts them rare Cattle, if they Calve once in a Year; for there’s never a Child they have, but is worth two or three Hundred Pounds to him, besides By-Advantages he makes by their inspecting into the Affairs and Secrets of such whom they can manage; and when the Filthiness of their Practice hath render’d them like a Path-way, by common Treading, Nasty and Infertile, he ransacks their Wardrobe, strips them of their Plumes, and Discards ’em; who are forc’d to fly to some common Bawdy-House for Refuge, and walk the Streets for Subsistence; thus Sin on in Publick Shame and Misery, till the Gallows or an Hospital at last brings them to Repentance.

The other part of his Life is Tricking People out of their Money by false Dice and Cards, which he handles with more gainful Dexterity than the German Artist;

and Preaches the Parson with such a fraudelent Deception of the Sight, that he will drain the Pockets of a large Company in six Minutes, as clean as the Royal-Oak-Lottery shall in six Hours. He is often to be seen with a Country Cloth Coat on, all over Dirt, or according to the Weather, as if he had come a Fifty Mile Journey, tho’ he’s only travel’d from Salisbury-Court to Smithfield, where he keeps the Market as constantly as a Young Whore does Bartholomew-Fair, or an Old One the Sacrament; Looking in his Rustick Garb, as much like an Honest Grasier, as a City Hypocrite, in his Black Coat and Band, does like a Good Christian. He is constant to no sort of Dress, but changes his Cloaths as often as a Whimsical Woman does her Mind; and, States-man like, always suits his Apparrel to his Project: Being a rare Tongue-Pad, and excellent at these following Qualifications; He can out-flatter a Poet, out-huff a Bully, out-wrangle a Lawyer, out-cant a Puritan, out-cringe a Beau, out-face Truth, and out-lie the Devil. The rest that you see were a kind of Supernumerary Men, Assistants to the rest; who have not cunning enough to Project a piece of Roguery themselves; but, like a well-meaning Brother, will lend a Shoulder to the Villany: The former are your rare Sycamore Rogues, who flourish and spread finely for a Season; and the other are the Caterpillars that hang upon ’em.

But, pray, Old Acquaintance, said I, what is your Employment in the World, that you are so well acquainted with this Scandalous Society? Why, I’ll tell you, says he, I study’d a little Physick at the University, and some small Knowledge in Surgery I gain’d since I came to Town, which the narrowness of my Fortune hath oblig’d me to the use of; and I have had most of these Dark Engineers you saw, my Patients; for they are seldom free from Clap, Pox, Thumps, Cuts, or Bruises; and Pay as generously for their Cure, as an

old Maid would do for a Nights Recreation with the Man she likes best; parting with Pounds to their Surgeon, as freely as Fools did with their Pence to the Wheel of Fortune.

Come, says my Friend, let us step into this Coffee-House here, as you are a Stranger in the Town, it will afford you some Diversion. Accordingly in we went, where a parcel of Muddling Muck-Worms were as busie as so many Rats in an old Cheese-Loft; some Go­ing, some Coming, some Scribbling, some Talking, some Drinking, some Smoaking, others Jangling; and the whole Room stinking of Tobacco, like a Dutch-Scoot, or a Boatswains-Cabbin. The Walls being hung with Gilt Frames, as a Farriers-shop with Horse-shoes; which contained abundance of Rarities, viz. Nectar and Ambrosia, May-Dew, Golden-Elixers, Popular-Pills, Liquid-Snuff, Beautifying-Waters, Dentifrices, Drops, Lozenges, all as infallible as the Pope, Where every one (as the famous Saffold has it) above the rest, Deservedly has gain’d the Name of Best. Good in all cases, curing all Distempers; every Medicine being so Catholick, it pretends to nothing less than Universality: That in­deed had not my Friend told me ’twas a Coffee-House, I should have took it for Quacks-Hall, or the Parlour of some Eminent Mountebank.

When we had each of us Stuck in our Mouths a Pipe of Sotweed, we began to look about us; do you mind (says my Friend) yonder Old Sophister with an Indian Pipe between his Meager Jaws, who sits staring at the Candle with as much stedfastness as a Country Passenger at Bow-Steeple, or a Child at a Raree-Show, that’s a strange Whimsie-headed Humorist; observe his Po­sture, he looks like the Picture of Aesculapius behind an Apothecaries Counter: And has as many Maggots in his Noddle, as there are Mice in an old Barn, or Nits in a Mumpers Doublet. He has a wonderful Projecting Head, and has lately contriv’d one of the prettiest

Pocket-Engines for the speedy Blanching of Hasle-Nuts and Filbert-Kernels, that ever was invented; he’ll Crack and Skin Two for a Squirrels One; and in few Years,by a little Alteration, will improve it to the use of Wallnuts. I’ll assure you, he’s a Member of the Roy­al Society, and had as great a hand, for many Years to­gether, in bringing the Weather-Glass to Perfection, as any of them. He puts great Faith in the Philosophers-Stone, and believes he shall one time or other be as Rich as Croesus, tho’ he has almost Beggar’d himself in the search on’t. And has as large a pair of Bellows in his Labo­ratory, as ever an Alchymist in Town. He try’d a Not­able Experiment the other day, in setting Fire to a large Hay-stack he had in the Country, and order’d the Ashes to be brought to Town, from whence he propos’d to prepare a Medicine, call’d Sall-Graminis, which should infallibly Cure all Distempers in Horses, and be the rarest Medicine for Cows, Sheep, or Oxen, and all sorts of Creatures that feed upon Grass, that any Graisier or Farrier can use in all such cases. But sending it up in an ill Season, the Ashes got wet in their Carriage, and quite lost their Virtue, that he was forc’d to sell them to a West-Country Barge-Man in order to Dung Land. But it’s thought by the Wise, he might have sold it in the Hay to as good an advantage. He has a­bundance of Whims in him very remarkable; he lives over-against a Church, that when he dies he might not have far to Travel upon four Mens Shoulders. As soon as the Clock begins Nine, if he gets not his Shoes off before it has done Striking, in order for Bed, he is immediately seiz’d with such a violent Fit of the Gout, that he Roars like a Tower-Lyon at a Woman going with a Male-Child. If he is not up just as the Clock strikes Five in the Morning, he thinks himself Bedrid­den. If his Victuals be not brought to the Table whilst the Clock goes Twelve, he Eats nothing all that Day; his Stomach is always at the Meridian height the same

time as the Sun is; and if he finds by his Observation, it’s Declin’d, he is as much out of Humour for letting slip the Critical Minute, as a Married Lady (without Children to employ her Thoughts) is for losing of her Lap-Dog. He’s a wonderful Antiquary, and has a Clo­set of Curiosities out-does Gresham-Colledge: He tells ye, that he has a Tooth-picker of Epicurus, which he always us’d after Eating; it is made of the Claws of an American Humming-Bird; and is to be us’d like a Rake, and will pick four Teeth at once. He has Diogenes’s Lanthorn, which he carry’d about Athens at Noon-Day to seek for an Honest-man. He says he has some of Heraclitus’s Tears, which drop’d from him in a hard Winter, and are Frozen into Christal; they are set in a Locket, and every time any Body looks upon it, they cannot forbear Weeping. Also a Tenpenny Nail drawn out of the Ark; and tho’ it’s Iron, toss it into a Tub of Water, and ’twill Swim like a Feather; he pretends to have one of Judas’s Thirty Pence; and every time he looks upon’t, he is ready to Hang him­self. A mighty Collection of these sort of Trinkets, he tells the World he’s Master of, and some give Cre­dit to his Ridiculous Romances.

Mind that Spark who is just come in, Four Years since his Reputation was but slender; and in so little a time he has had Three Wives, and all good Fortunes to him, and now is look’d upon to be worth Ten Thousand Pounds. ’Tis observ’d, said I, that Money is thrown into the very Mouths of Fortunes Minions; and some Men must grow Rich, if all the Lucky Acci­dents that Chance can give, will make them so. My Friend, in pursuance to this particular, expres’d him­self to this purpose, That he believ’d there was some foul Play practic’d, because (says he) it is a thing so common in this City for a Man to grow Rich by Plu­rality of Wives, and send them one after another so Methodically to the Grave, as if he had a slight of

Transferring them into another World, a little before their time: For I must confess, says he, I know an A­pothecary, who if a Man will trust him with the Care of his Family, once in a Twelve-Months time he’ll take an Opportunity to do him such a piece of Service, if he gives him but the least Item of his slender Affecti­ons towards his Help-mate. And I have often heard him say, that Women are always the best Patients, es­pecially if they Die under his hands; for then, says he, let me make never so unreasonable a Bill, it’s never disputed, but generally satisfied, with as good a Will as a Married Man pays the Tax for the Birth of his first Child or an Extravagant Heir the charges of his Fathers Funeral.

Mind the little Blade in the Cloak, that’s talking to a Parson; he’s a Bookseller in this City, and has got an Estate by Starving of Authors. I’ll warrant you, the Priest has been Conjuring his Brain together, and has rais’d some Wonderful Work to the Churches Glory and his own Fame. He has been Providing a Scourge for the Popes Jacket, or a Cudgel for Antichrist; or else a Mess of good Protestant Porridge to Scald the Mouth of an Unbeliever; or some such Business. But as to the Wit-monger, I’ll tell you, he’s as Honest a Man as ever betray’d his Trust, or Built his own Welfare up­on the hazard of anothers Ruine; he was appointed Trustee for a Young Gentlewoman, and had the charge of an Estate of between two or three Hundred Pounds per Annum, which he has very carefully secured to himself by Marrying her to his Prentice, and obliging him, upon that consideration to buy his Stock; whereby he became well pay’d for a great deal of Waste-Paper: So he is crept into the Estate, and they are got into his Books for it. There is abundance of such sort of Plain-Dealing practic’d amongst our wor­thy Citizens: for you must know they do not always tell Truth in their Shops, or get their Estates by their Honesty.

Being half choak’d with the Steem that arose from their Soot-colour’d Ninny-Broth, their stinking Breaths, and Suffocating Fumes of their Nasty Puffing-Engines, my Friend and I pay’d for our Mahometan-Gruel, and away we came; and passing along Leaden-Hall-Street, I saw some Ships Painted upon the out-side of a great Wall, which occasion’d me to enquire of my School-Fellow what place that was? He told me, ’twas the House belonging to the East-India Company, which are a Corporation of Men with Long Heads and Deep Purses; who had purchas’d that with their Money that no-Body ought to sell; and dealt in those Com­modities to get Money, which it’s pity any Body should Buy. They are very Rich in England, and ve­ry Poor in the Indies. Were a Schedule of their Effects Drawn on one side, and their Indian-Debts Scor’d on the other, it is believ’d more Bad Debts would arise upon the Reverse, than are due to Trades-Men from all the Persons of Quality in Town, or perhaps than were ever found owing to either Army or Navy; which they have neither Will to Pay, or Power to Sa­tisfie, to the great Honour of Christianity in so Hea­thenish a Country. There are two Companies now, and it’s greatly hop’d by many Honest Traders and Merchants in the City, that they may luckily prove the Breaking of each other; both have sent Ships to the Indies, and ’tis thought they will give one another a warm Salutation by the way, and maintain the Truth of the old Proverb, That two of a Trade can never agree.

Pray take Notice (says my Friend) of that Gentle­man that is stepping into his Coach, I will tell you a pretty Story of him: There was a Poor Woman, not far from this Place, who Sold Earthen-Ware, and had lately the good Fortune to have a Rich Relation Die, and leave her worth Forty Thousand Pounds; which he hearing on (tho’ a Man of considerable Quality)

thought it a Bait worth Snapping at; in order to which, he became one of her Earliest Suitors, and was very Importunate with her to have the Cracking of her Pip­kinCracking of her Pipkin: pipkin, a small pot, is slang for "vagina"; a cracked or broken pipkin signifies the loss of virginity.; but she soon gave him a Repulse, and told him Man was an Earthen Vessel too brittle for her to deal in; and she had heard he had a great many Flaws in his Fortune, which she would not be at the Expence of mending; and since she had never received any Testimonials of his Affection before the happy change of her Condition, she had Reasons to believe his de­sires tended to her Money, and not her Person, and there­fore would not be made a Lady at so great an Expence. Adding, his Pretensions would be ineffectual, and hop’d he would give himself no farther Trouble; assuring him as her Mind was Stedfast, so would his Pains be Fruitless. Upon which, he feign’d a Melancholy humour; and Sighing like a Man at his Wives Funeral, told her his Passion was so great for her, that unless she gave him a more satisfactory Answer, he would Drown himself in the Tower-Ditch. To which she reply’d, Smiling, Perhaps Sir, You Propose that to your self, which is not in your Power to do, you know not but Heaven has Decreed for you a Dryer Destiny. Upon which, he rose in a great Passion, crying, Zounds, Madam! Do you think I’ll Hang my Self? And so departed.

Now, says my School-fellow, we’ll spend the Evening over a chearful Glass; here’s a Tavern hard by, where a parcel of pleasant Companions of my Ac­quaintance use, we’ll see what Diversion we can find in their Society. Accordingly we stept in, and in the Kitchen found half a Dozen of my Friends Ass­ociates, in the height of their Jollitry, as Merry as so many Cantabridgians at Sturbridge-Fair, or Coblers at a Crispins Feast. After a Friendly Salutation, free from all Foppish Ceremonies, down we sat; and when a Glass or two round had given fresh Motion to our

drousy Spirits, and abandon’d all those careful thoughts which makes Man’s Life uneasie, Wit begot Wit, and Wine a Thirsty Appetite to each Succeeding Glass: Then open were our Hearts, and Unconfin’d our Fancies; my Friend and I contributed our Mites to the Treasure of our Felicity. Songs and Catches Crown’d the Night, and each Man in his Turn pleased his Ears with his own Harmony. Amongst the rest, we had one Song against Musick, which because of its being the first Essay in that Nature, I have thought it worth Inserting.

The Novelty of this Whimsie gave great Diver­Diversion

sion to the whole Company, except one, who was by Nature a Poet; but having Fortune to his Nurse, the Blind Maulkin, careless of her charge, dropt him from her Lap, bruis’d the Noddle of the tender Babe, and made his Fancy Ricketty; Numb’d his Faculties, and so Eclips’d his Genius, that he dwindled into a Musician.

Who being as Angry as a Tom-Turd-Man, to hear his Profession so disparaged, resolv’d immediate Re­venge upon the Author; calls for Pen and Ink, and went to work with as much Eagerness and Invetera­cy as a Parson, when he Writes an order to his At­torney to sue a Parishioner for neglected Tythes. Af­ter some intervale of deliberation (wherein he sat like a Vertuosa at a Philosophical Lecture) this following Crotchet started from his Brain, like Aesops Mouse from the Mountain, to the great Laughter of the whole Company.

This rais’d amongst the whole Society such an evil Spirit of Poetry, that it began to have as much Power over us, as the Devil has over a Gang of Lap­land Witches. We now (Ovid like) were so highly inspir’d, we could scarce Speak without Rhime and Measure; and every one, like a Country Fellow at a Foot-Ball Meeting, was for showing what he could do, or telling what he had done. Amongst which, these following Verses were lug’d out of a Pocket Library, written upon this Occasion, as the Author Insinuated to the Company, That being Blest with the Conver­sation of some Young Ladies, and one whose Wit and Beauty were aspiring above the rest, knowing he had some little Fancy in Poetry, told him she took it very unkindly of him, that he never thought her Worthy of his Muses Notice. To which he reply’d, That he was at all times provided to oblige so fair a Lady. Adding, If she would be pleas’d to lend him a Pen and Ink, he would take a Copy of her Perfections, while she was there ready to sit for her Picture; which she very nimbly plac’d upon the Table, with a pleasing Expectancy of being Flatter’d to her great Glory, as well as Satisfaction. Upon which he obliged her with these following Lines.

This he presented to the Lady, who upon the first glance, Blush’d at her Disappointment; run into her Closet, fir’d with Indignation and Revenge, soon shewing the pregnancy of her Wit, by the speediness of her Answer, which I have also given you.

This being the Product of a Female Genius, was very much admir’d by our whole Assembly of Poe­tasters, who are always so favourable to the Fair Sex, as to seem as much opinionated of what they Write, as a Fond Father is of the Witty Sayings of his own Progeny: It being as natural for a Poet to doat upon Woman, as ’tis for a Hound to love Horse-Flesh. And I must confess, whenever we rail at ’em, it is more for their Vertues than their Vices; for the latter we are as busie to seduce them to, as the rest of our Neighbours, and are never very angry with them, but for denying us what they impart to others; or when by their Prudence they secure that Treasure to themselves at which we want to be Nibling. A pretty Woman is but a piece of Heavens Poetry, wherein as many Changes are to be seen, as in Ovids Metamorphosis; and when ever she’s attempted to be Read by our Earthly Sons of Apollo, she is found a Crabbed piece, and the measure of her Verse too long for Humane Scanning.

Another in the Company, being willing to con-tribute something to our Mirth and Pastime, communica­ted to the Board this Poem in Manuscript, writ by a Fellow in Bedlam, who run Mad thro’ Ambition, and Fancy’d himself a King, but not being contented with the Government of his Sublunary Dominions, was Ambitious (as you will find by his Lunatick Raptures) of Conquering larger Territories above the Moon, or some where whither his Frenzy led him. Therefore as the Poetick Pill-maker says in his Learned Works, Read, Try, Judge, and Speak as you find.

This Frantick piece of Bombast pleas’d wonderful­ly: No Prophane Jest to an Atheist, or Bawdy Story to an Old Batchelour, could have been more acceptable. One commended the Loftiness of the Fancy; another the Aptness of the Language; a third the Smoo­thness of the Verse; that the Madman had like to have run away with the Bays from us all, had not one in the Company been an Author in Print, to the great applause of the whole Nation, who if he would have worn as much Bays as the common vogue of the Peo­ple had given him a Title to, his Head wou’d have appear’d as fine as a Countrey Casement in the midst of the Christmas Holydays.

By this time the nimble Spirits of the reviving Juice, had sufficiently enliven’d the Noblest of our Fa­culties; and had seiz’d our Brains as their proper Throne, in order to hold a Soveraign sway over the Dominions of the Flesh; driving our weak Reason by a Power invisible, and making her become a Subject till the next Morning.

My Friend and I thought it high time to take our Leaves; which after the Payment of our Clubs, we did accordingly, agreeing to give our selves the Plea­sure of two or three hours Ramble in the Streets. Having spent the time at the Tavern till about Ten a Clock with Mirth and Satisfaction. We were now de­sirous of prying into the dark Intrigues of the Town, to experience what Pastime the Night-Accidents, the Whims and Frolicks of Staggering Bravado’s and Stroling Strumpets, might afford us. An Account of which we shall give you in our next.

THE
London-Spy.
PART II

ACording to the Wisdom of our Fore-fathers, we have carefully taken the Old Gentleman by the Fore-Lock; for tho’ we thought it Ten a Clock when we left the Blessings of dear Hy­men’s Palace, yet, by the Night, it prov’d but the Misers Bed-time. The Modest Hour of Nine being just Proclaim’d by Times Oracle from every Steeple; and the Joyful Alarm of Bow-Bell call’d the weary Apprentices from their Work to their Paring-shovels, to Unhich their Folded Shutters, and Button up their Lying Sanctuaries, their Shops, till the next Morning; wherein there are more Untruths asserted in one Day, than False Oaths taken in Westminster-Hall in a whole Term. Their Masters having more Canting Reservations to indemnify their Consciences from the Danger of Des­ Desceitful

ceitful Protestations, than an Old Strumpet, or a Plot Evidence; being more afraid of Breaking, than they are of Damning; for indeed that Trader thinks he has made but an Ill-Market, that cannot save him­self.

The Streets were all adorn’d with dazling Lights whose bright reflect so glitter’d in my Eyes, that I could see nothing but themselves. Thus walk’d a­maz’d, like a wandering Soul in its Pilgrimage to Heaven, when it passes thro’ the Spangled Re­gions.

My Ears were so Serenaded on every side, with the Grave Musick of sundry Passing Bells, the ratling of Coaches, and the Melancholy Ditties of Hot Bak’d Wardens and Pippins, that had I had as many Eyes as Argos, and as many Ears as Fame, they would have been all confounded, for nothing could I see but Light, and nothing hear but Noise.

We had not walk’d the usual distance between a Church and an Ale-house, but some Odoriferous Civit BoxCivit: civet, from the anal glands of the civet cat, is used in making perfume. Seventeenth-century dictionaries defined it as “a sweet substance like musk,” said to be the dung of a hyena or some other beast. perfum’d the Air, and saluted our Nostrils with so refreshing a Nosegay, that I thought the whole Ci­ty (Edenborough like) had been overflow’d with an Inundation of Surreverence.Surreverence Sir Reverence, feces. By and by came thunder­ing by us a rumbling Engine in the Dark, which I took for a Dead-mongers Waggon, laden with a Stinking Corps, by reason of long keeping, driving Post-haste to the next Church-Yard, in order for Interrment: But was soon undeceiv’d by my Friend, who told me ’twas a Gold-findersGold-finder: one who cleans out and scavenges dung and urine from outhouses, also called a “dung farmer” or “jakes farmer,” “tom turd man,” or “night man,” because the work is carried on in the night. Caravan, carrying Treasure to their Land-Bank by the Salt-Peter Houses.Saltpeter (potassium nitrate): made from soil composted with manure, urine, liquid from cess-pools and drains, and other organic matter. Saltpeter was used medicinally and in the making of gunpowder. The Pro­jectors of which Notable design (says my Friend) have at no small expence, discover’d the Fallacy of an old Proverb, and can (by your leave Sir) by sound Reason and true Experience deny Shitten Luck to be good Luck. For after two or three Thousand Pounds disbursment, to turn a T—d into Gunpowder, they found

their Project would would not signifie a Fart. Which if their designing Noddles could have brought to perfection, our Foes then, like Themselves now, would have doubt­less been in a very Stinking Condition.

As we stumbled along, my Friend bid me take No­tice of a Shop, wherein sat three or four very provok­ing Damsels, with as much Velvet on their Backs, as would have made a Burying-Pall for a Country Parish, or a Holiday Coat for a Physician; being Glorified at bottom with Gold Fringes, that I thought at first they might be Parsons Daughters, who had Borrow’d their Fathers Pulpit Cloths, to use as Scarffs, to go a Visiting in; each with as many Patches in her Market-Place, as are Spots in a Leopards Skin, or Freckles in the Face of a Scotchman.

I ask’d my Friend what he took them for? Who answer’d, They were a kind of first rate Punks by their Rigging, of about a Guinea purchase. I further queried, what reason he had to believe them to be Leachery-Layers? He reply’d, because they were sitting in a Head-Dressers-Shop; which, says he, is as seldom to be found without a Whore, as a Book-sellers Shop in Pauls Church Yard without a Parson.

Come, says my Friend, we’ll call here hard by, at the Widows Coffee-House,Widows Coffee-House: There are references to a few widow's Coffee-houses in the City from the 1670s to the first decade of the 1700s:

Among the most likely locations of these, given the perambulations of the Spy and his friend, are:

• Widow Cole's Coffee-house in Bartholomew Lane
• Widow Baker's Coffee-house in Exchange Alley in Cornhill
• Widow Kemp's Coffee-house in Exchange Alley, Cornhill
• Widow Lansdel's Coffee-house in Cornhill near the Royal Exchange
• Widow White's Coffee-house in Pope's Head Alley, Cornhill
• Widow Vernon's Coffee-house in St. Bartholomew Lane

Others within the City limits include:

• the Widow's Coffee-house in Half Moon Alley, Cheapside
• Widow Howel's Coffee-house next door to the Half Moon Tavern in Cheapside
• Widow Langford's Coffee-house in Blackfriars
• Widow Nixon's Coffee-house at Fetter Lane End in Fleet Street (far from the travels of the Spy and his friend)
• Widow Fage's Coffee-house in Nevel’s (Neville's) Alley, off Fetter Lane (far from the travels of the Spy and his friend)
• Pratt's Coffee-house in Cateaton Street

There were also a number of locations outside of the City, but these seem unlikely locations for the Spy and his friend to have travelled:

• the Widow's Coffee-house in Bedford Court
• Widow Lloyd's Coffee-house at the Victualling Office Gate, Little Tower Hill
• Widow Potter's Coffee-house in St. James's Street

The coffee house as Ward describes it does not seem to appear elsewhere in literature, but many details from The London Spy are echoed in a passage describing a Widow's Coffee-house in Islington at the time of the Restoration: Tait’s Edinburgh Magazine (volume 22, ed. William Tait, Christian Isobel Johnstone, 1855), republished in The Eclectic Magazine (volume 34, ed. John Holmes Agnew and ‎Walter Hilliard Bidwell, 1855). These volumes describe the Islington establishment in considerably more favourable terms than Ward's and put the London Apprentices in a better light. and Drink a Dish or two, I have some Female Patients that use the House, who are a little in my Debt, and if the Lewdness of the Town has lately thrown a Cully in their way, they may chance to be able to make me satisfaction.

Accordingly we blunder’d thro’ the long dark Entry of an Ancient Fabrick, groping our way like Subteranean Labourers in the Caverns of a Colepit, till we found the Stairs, which were rais’d as Perpendicular as a Tilers Ladder, that had I not the use of a Rope, which was Nailed alongst the Wall, as a Clue to Guide me, I could have climb’d a Country May-Pole, or have crawl’d up the Buttock-Shrowds of one of Her Majesties First-

Rates, with less Danger and Difficulty. At last an old Weather-beaten Cerberus came to the Stair-head with a Candle, which to me was as Welcome as a Light in a dark Night to a stumbling Drunkard, or Moonshine (when near Land) to a doubtful Mariner, saluting us with Lord, Gentlemen, why did you not call to be Lighted up? I protest, I thought there had been a Can­dle upon the Stairs, but my careless Baggage is so Lazy, she minds nothing as she should do; she’s but lately come out of the Country, and runs staring about like a Bumpkin in Paul’s Church, or a Libertine in a Conventicle.

With this sort of Talk she usher’d us into the Cof­fee-Room; where, at the Corner of a long Table next her Elbow-Chair, lay a large old Bible open, with her Spectacles upon it; next to it a Quartern Pot, two or three Stone Bottles, a Rowl of Plaister, and a Pipe of To­bacco, a Handful of Fire in a Rusty Grate, with a Pint Coffee-Pot before it, and a Green Earthen Chamber-Pot in the Chimney Corner. Over the Mantle Tree, two Bastard Dishes, a Patch Box, and a Syrrenge. On a little Shelf, amongst Viols and Galley Pots, half a dozen long Bottles of Rosa Solis, with an Advertisement of a rare White-wash for the Face nail’d on one side, and a brief account of the Excellencies of Doctor John C—se’s Pills for the speedy cure of a violent Go­norhea, without loss of time or hindrance of Business, on the other; a Soldiers Scimiter, Musket, and Cattoock Box; behind the Door, a Head-Dressers Block, and a Quart Pot (as terrible as a Deaths-Head, and an Hour-glass) stood frightfully in the Window. Also an old fashion’d Clock in Case, but as silent as a Corps in a Cof­fin. Next which hung the Reverend Print of the Seven Golden Candlesticks; and against that a Commode, a­dorn’d with a Scarlet Top-knot; under it an Abstract of the Acts of Parliament against Drinking, Swearing, and all manner of Prophaness. A broken Floor, like an old Stable, Windows mended with Brown-Paper; and bare Walls full of Dust and Cobwebs.

After I had walk’d about, and taken a compleat view of this Antiquated Sodom, I set my self down; but of a sudden felt such a trembling in the Fabrick, that the Windows Jarr’d, the Fire Irons Jingled, in short all things in the Room seem’d to be in Motion, and kept time, with a tinkling noise, like a Tumbrel in a Morris Dance; that had I not been furnish’d with some reasons to suspect the contrary, I should have been under the frightful Apprehensions of an Earth­quake. But in a little time the violent Pulsation, that had given an Ague to the whole House, was over, and all things were again reconcil’d to their former rest. Presently after came down Stairs, from a loftier A­partment, reserv’d for Private Uses, a couple of Airy Youths, who, by their Crop’d Hair, Stone Buckles in their Shoes, broad Gold Hatbands, and no Swords, I took to be Merchants Sons, or the Apprentices of topping Tra­ders. They stay’d not above a Minute in the Coffee-Room, but, Magpie like, ask’d what’s a Clock? Then made their Honours after the newest Fashion, and so departed.

My Friend by this time (knowing the Entertain­ment of the House) had call’d for a Bottle of Cock-Ale, of which I tasted a Glass, but could not conceive it to be any thing but a mixture of Small Beer and Treacle. If this be Cock-Ale, said I, e’en let Cocks-Combs Drink it. Prithee give me a Glass of Brandy, or something that will Dart Lightening into my Spirits, and not fill my Guts with Thunder. With that the Reverend Doctress of Debauchery (after she had approv’d my Choice with a chearful Smile) signified her Sympathising Appetite, in these words, Sir, you are of my mind, I think there’s nothing like a Dram of true Nantz, or some such-like com­fortable Cordial; of the former indeed I have none, by reason of its Scarcity, but I have an excellent Distillation of my own preparing, which some call Aqua Veneris: It will

restore an old Man of Threescore to the Juvenality of Thirty, or make a Girl at Fourteen, with Drinking but one Glass, as ripe as an old Maid of Twenty Four. ’Twill make a Parson Dance Sallingers-round, a Puritan lust after the Flesh, and a Married Man Oblige his Wife oftener in one Night, than without it he shall be able to do in Seven. I sell it to most Citizens Wives in Town, who are seldom without it in their Closet, to oblige their Husbands or Gal­lants. For, tho’ I say it, that should not, it’s the best Cor­dial to strengthen a weak Appetite, drank a little before Bed-time, in the World. Here Priscilla, bring the Gentleman a Quartan. Just as a Cup of Corroboration was moving round, who should bolt down Stairs from Fools Paradise above, but a couple of Mortal Angels as nimble as Squirrels, with Looks as Sharp, and Eyes as Piercing as a Tigers, who, I suppose, after rump­ling their Feathers in a hot Engagement, had staid to rectifie their disorder’d Plumes, and make ready for a fresh Encounter: They presently saluted my Friend, as the Devil did Doctor Edwards, with your Servant Doctor. He return’d their Compliment, and desir’d their Company; which they as readily Granted, as a Fortuneless Jilt her consent to Matrimony, or a poor Scholar his Company to a Treat.

By the help of Paint, Powder, and Patches, they were of a Wax-work Complection: And thus drest, their under-Petticoats were White Dimity Flourished, like a Turky work Chair, or a Fools Doublet, with Red, Green, Blew, and Yellow. Their Pin-up Coats of Scotch Plads, adorn’d with Bugle Lace; and Gowns of Printed Calico; but their Heads drest up to the best Advantage, as a Vintners Bar-Keeper, or a Par­sons Wife upon an Easter Sunday. These, I suppose Devil like, would play at small Game rather than stand out, and sooner condescend to the Acceptance of a Shilling, than want Imployment.

By that time we had sip’d off our Nipperkin of my

Granums Aqua Mirabilis, our Airy Ladies grew so very Mercurial, they could no longer contain their feign’d Modesty, but launch’d out into their accustomary Wantonness; and show’d us as many whimsical Fagaries,Fagaries: vagaries. and diverting Pranks, as a young Monkey with a Mouse at his Tail, or an Owl upon a Duck’s Back in the Water.

This Familiarity encourag’d my Friend to a further freedom, who took the boldness upon him to ask her if Trading had been so good of late, that she could pay the arrears due upon her last Misfortune. To which she reply’d, The Lord confound your Devices, for a Twat-Scouring Pimp, I owe you none till the breaking out of the next Fire. Did not I agree with you, when first we dealt together, to pay you one Cure under another; and therefore the last is not due till I next want your assistance. Pray Mr. Emplaistrum, don’t you come that upon me neither for I am sure I have paid you hitherto as generously as any Patient of my Quality that ever you give Pill or Bolus to; and have done you, and your Profession, as much Service as any of my Function that Trades between Ald­gate and Temple-Barr. You know when I was in keep­ing, I let you have Money to redeem your Plaister-Box, when I ow’d you not a Groat; and I have had nothing in return of my Kindness, as I know on, but a little Roman Vitriol for a Shanker, or a piece of Orrice-Root for my Issue; therefore you need not be so sharp with me neither.

This Impudence so silenc’d my Friend, that he look’d as Tame as a City Cuckold chid by his Wife; and as Dumb as a Statue: Being glad to appease her fury by calling for ’tother Quartan, which before we had Drank, who should grovel up Stairs, but, seemingly, a Sober Citizen, in Cloke and Band, about the Age of Sixty. Upon which the old Mother of the Maids, call’d hastily to Priss, and whispering ask’d her if there were any Rods in the House? I sitting just by, over­heard the Question: The Wench answer’d, Yes, yes,

you know I fetch’d six Penny worth but Yesterday. Upon the Entrance of this grave Fornicator, our Ladies with­drew themselves from our Company, and retir’d like Modest Virgins to their Secret Work-room of Iniqui­ty; and left the old Sinner in the Winter of his Lea­chery, to warm his Grey-hairs with a dram of Invigo­rating Cordial, whilst we pay’d our Reckoning, were lighted down Stairs, and left the Lustful Satyr (to the Shame of his Age) a Prey to the two Strumpets; who, I believe, found himself in a much worse Condition then a Breech between two Stools, or Lot in Sodom, between the Merry Cracks his Buxom Daughters.

Time now, like a skilful Gamster, had just nick’d Seven; and each Parochial Jack of Lanthorn, was croa­king about Streets the hour of Eleven. The Brawny Topers of the City began now to forsake the Tavern, and Stagger haulking, after a Poop Lanthorn,Poop Lantern: a lantern carried at night on the stern of a ship to serve as a signal. to their own Houses. Augusta appear’d in her Mourning­weeds; and the glittering Lamps which a few Hours before sparkled like Diamonds, fix’d as Ornaments to her Sable Dress, were now dwindled to a glimmering Snuff, and burnt as dim as Torches at a Princes Fu­neral. Strumpets in the Streets were grown a scarce Commodity; for the danger of the Counter had drove them home to their own poor sinful Habitations; where nothing dwells but Shame, Poverty and Misery, the Devil and Themselves.

We now were at a stand which way to move; at last my Companion propos’d the Dark-houses at Bil­lingsgate: Where, he told me, we need not question, amongst the various Humours of the Maritime Mobi­lity, but to find abundance of Diversion. Besides, when our Faculties should grow tired with our Pa­stime, and Nature (for the Refreshment of our drow­sie Microcosms) should require rest, we could there have the conveniency of a Bed to repose our weary Members.

Accordingly we thither steer’d our Course; and by the way, I ask’d him what was the meaning, when the Old Leacher came into the Coffee-Room, that Mo­ther Beelzebub ask’d the Wench whether they had a­ny Rods in the House? He smil’d at my Question; and told me, he believ’d he should discover a new Vice to me which I scarce had heard of.

That Sober seeming Saint, says he, is one of that ClassisClassis: class; order; sort; body. in the Black School of Sodomy, who are call’d by Learned Students in the Science of Debauchery, Flogging Cullies. This unnatural Beast gives Money to those Strumpets which you see, and they down with his Breeches and Scourge his Privities till they have laid his Leachery. He all the time begs their Mer­cy, like an Offender at a Whipping-Post, and beseeches their forbearance; but the more importunate he seems for their favourable usage, the severer Vapula­tion they are to exercise upon him, till they find by his Beastly Extasie, when to with-hold their Weapons.

We had not proceeded far towards our intended Harbour, but at the door of an Eminent Shop-Keeper in Grace-Church-street, we heard, as we thought, the unsavory Squallings of some Nocturnal Revellers, call’d Cats, Summoning with their untunable Bag­pipes, the Neighbouring Mouse-hunters to their mer­ry meeting. But by the help of a Watchmans Lan­thorn, who met us in the Passage, we discover’d a Hand-Basket; from whence we conceiv’d proceeded this ingrateful Discord. Hey day, says the Watch­man, What, in the name of the Stars, have we got Here? The unhappy Fruits of some-Bodies Labours I’ll warrant you, who had rather get ten Bastards than Provide for one. He opens the Wicker Hammock, and finds a little lump of Mortality crying out to the whole Parish to lend him their assistance: With this Inscription, Written in a fair Hand pin’d upon his Breast.

The unusualness of such a Posie, upon so unwel­come a Present, made us as Merry as a young Come­dian over a Lame Jest, or a Constable at a Bell-mans Verse. The Watchman Cough’d up a Pthisical Hem, as a Signal to his Associates of some Mischance, which was soon convey’d from one to t’other, till it alarm’d the Leader of the Hour-Grunters, who soon came up, attended with his Twinkling Guard of Superanuated Sauce-Boxes; and presently Saddled his Nose with a pair of Glass’d Horns, to Read the Superscription, and see to whom the Squaling Packet was directed. But when he found the poor Infant lay driveling up­on a whole Slabbering-Bib of Verses, Alack, alack, says Father Midnight, I’ll warrant ’tis some poor Poets Ba­stard, Prithee take it up, and let’s carry it to the Watch-House Fire. Who knows but by the Grace of Providence,

the Babe may come to be a second Ben Johnson? Prithee Jeffery put the Lappit of thy Coat over it, I’ll warrant ’tis so cold, it can scarce feel whether it be a Boy or Girl. A­way troop’d his Dark Majesty, with his Feeble Band of Crippl’d Parish Pensioners, to their Nocturnal Ren­dezvouz, all-tickl’d with the Jest, and as Merry over their hopeful Foundling, as the Egyptian Queen over her young Prophet in the Rushes.

We blunder’d on in pursuit of our Nights Felicity, but scarce had walk’d the length of a Horses Tedder, e’re we heard a Noise so dreadful and surprizing, that we thought the Devil was Riding on Hunting thro’ the City, with a Pack of deep-mouth’d Hell-hounds, to catch a Brace of Tally-men for Breakfast. At last bolted out from the corner of a Street, with an Ignis Fatuus Dancing before them, a parcel of strange Hob­goblins cover’d with long Frize Rugs and Blankets, hoop’d round with Leather Girdles from their Crup­pers to their Shoulders; and their Noddles button’d up into Caps of Martial figure, like a Knight Errant at Tilt and Turnament, with his Wooden-head lock’d in an Iron Helmet; one Arm’d, as I thought, with a lusty Faggot Bat,Faggot Bat: a bassoon. and the rest with strange Wooden Weapons in their hands in the shape of Clyster Pipes,Clyster Pipe: a medical instrument used to administer enemas or suppositories. but as long, almost, as Speaking Strumpets.Speaking Strumpet: a speaking trumpet, or horn used to amplify the voice. Of a sud­den they Clap’d them to their Mouths, and made such a frightful Yelling, that I thought the World had been Dissolving, and the Terrible Sound of the last Trum­pet to be within an Inch of my Ears.

Under these amazing Apprehensions, I ask’d my Friend what was the meaning of this Infernal out-cry? Prithee, says he, what’s the matter with thee? Thou look’st as if thou wert Gally’d,Gally’d: frightened. why these are the Ci­ty Waites,City Waites: a band of town pipers hired by the City to play on ceremonial and festive occasions, and often to play in the streets at night or in the early morning. who play every Winters Night thro’ the Streets, to rouse each lazy Drone to Family Duty. Lord Bless me, said I, I am very glad its no worse; I was never so scar’d since I pop’d out of the Parsley-

bed.pop’d out of the Parsley-bed: was born. Prithee let us make haste out of the hearing of them, or I shall be forc’d to make a Close stool-panClose stool-pan: a chamber pot enclosed in a stool or box. of my Breeches. At which my Friend laugh’d at me: Why, what, says he, don’t you love Musick? These are the topping Tooters of the Town; and have Gowns, Silver-Chains, and Sallaries, for playing Lilla Burlera to my Lord Mayors Horse thro’ the City. Marry, said I, if his Horse lik’d their Musick no better than I do, he would soon fling his Rider for hiring such Bug-bears to affront his Ambleship. For my part, when you told me they were Waites, I thought they had been the Po­landers; and was never so afraid, but that their Bears had been Dancing behind them.

The next Scene the Night presented to our imper­fect view, were a very Young Crew of diminutive Vagabonds, who march’d along in Rank and File, like a little Army of Prester John’s Countrymen, as if ad­vancing in order to attack a Birdsnest. This little Gang of Tatterdemalions, my Friend was almost as great a Stranger, to as my self; and for our Satisfaction to be better inform’d, we saluted them after this manner, Pray what are you for a Congregation of Ragged Sprights? And whether are you Marching? We, Master, reply’d one of the Pert Frontiers, we are the City Black-Guard, Marching to our Winter Quarters, the Glass-House in the the Minories. Lord Bless you Masters, give us a Penny or a Half-penny amongst us, and you shall hear any of us (if you please) say the Lords-Prayer Backwards; Swear the Compass round; give a new Curse to every step in the Monument; call a Whore as many proper Names as a Peer has Titles. I find, said I, you are a parcel of hope­ful Sprouts: However we gave the poor Wretches a Penny, and away they troop’d,with a Thousand God Bless ye’s, as Ragged as Old Stockin Mops; and I’ll warrant you as Hungry as so many Cattamountains: Yet seem’d as Merry as they’re Poor; and as Content­ed as they’re Miserable.

What a shame is it, said I, that such an infamous brood of Vagabonds should be train’d up in Villany, Ig­norance, Laziness, Prophanness, and Infidelity, from their Cradles, in such a well Govern’d Christian City as this, where are so many grave Magistrates and Pa­rish Officers, whose Care it ought to be to prevent such growing Evils; and yet to suffer such a Nest of Heathens to be Nurs’d up in Blasphemy, and contempt of Religion, under the very Walls of their Churches, to me ’tis very strange.

They are poor Wretches, says my Friend, that are drop’d here by Gypsies and Country Beggars, when they are so little, they can give no Account of Parents or Place of Nativity; and the Parishes caring not to bring a charge upon themselves, suffer them to beg about in the Day-time, and at Night Sleep at Doors, and in Holes and Corners about the Streets, till they are so harden’d in this sort of Misery, that they seek no other Life till their Riper Years (for want of be­ing bred to Labour) puts them upon all sorts of Vill­any: Thus thro’ the neglect of Church-Wardens and Constables, from Beggary they proceed to Theft, and from Theft to the Gallows.

As we were thus reflecting upon the Miserable Condition of these unhappy Wretches, another Midnight King of Clubs was going his Progress round his scanty Dominions, attended with his whole Court of Ravenous Mobility; and popping on us unawares, his well-fed Majesty bid his Guard De Core hault; and with a Hem, clapping his painted Scepter to the Ground as hard as a Pavier does his Rammer, bid us stand and come before the Constable. We like prudent Ramblers, obey’d the Voice of Authority: And with uncover’d Heads, pay’d Reverence to his awful Presence.

He Demanded of us, in an austere Voice, who and what we were; and had as many impertinent Questi­ons at his Tongues end, as an Apothecary has hard Words,

or a Midwife bawdy Stories. My Friend, in order to satisfie his Worships curiosity, and make him something the wiser, answer’d his Foolish Examination, with as much Submission, and Respect as a Proud Peevish Dunce in Authority could expect, or a Prudent Man, when at the Mercy of such a Cock’s-comb, give.

He ask’d my Friend what was his Profession? He answer’d him a Surgeon. A Surgeon! Says our Learn­ed Potentate, in great derision; and why not a Chi­rurgeon, I pray Sir? I could find in my heart to send you to the Counter, for presuming to corrupt the Kings English before me his Representative.

’Twas a mistake, Mr. Constable, said I, pray Excuse it, and be not so severe with us, we are very sober ci­vil Persons, who have been about Business, and are going qui­etly to our own Habitations.

Civil and Sober Persons, said he, how do I know that, Mr. Prattle-box? You may be Drunk for ought I know, and only feign your selves Sober before my presence to escape the Penalty of the Act.

My Friend put his Hand in his Pocket, plucks out a Shilling, Indeed Mr. Constable, says he, we tell you nothing but the Naked Truth. There is something for your Watch to Drink: We know it is a late Hour, but hope you will detain us no longer.

With that, Mr. Surlycuff, directs himself to his right hand Janizary,Janizary: a Turkish soldier; the term was used in Ward’s day as slang for guards, bailiffs, sergeants, and so on. Hem, hah, Aminidab, I believe they are Civil Gentlemen: Ay, ay, said he, Master, you need not Question it; they don’t look as if they had Fire-Balls about ’em. Well, Gentlemen, you may pass; but Pray go Civily home. Here Colly light the Gentlemen down the Hill, they may chance to stumble in the Dark, and break their Shins against the Monument.

Thank you Sir kindly, said we, for your Civility, but we know the way very well, and shall need no Watchman: Your Servant Sir, Good Night to you.

I am very glad, says my Friend, we are got out of

the Clutches of this Inquisitive Coniwable.Coniwable: a play on constable and cony (a slang term for the vulva or female sexuality); the expression also evokes conycatcher (a thief, a cheat, or a whoremonger). This Grey headed lump of grave Ignorance, takes as much Pride in being the most Officious Fool in his Parish, as a Vi­ctualler, does to be one of the Jury, or a Vintner to be made an Ensign of the Train-Bands. This is the most ill-natur’d Pragmatical Blockhead, that ever was centr’d in a Circle of Lanthorns; and if he had said our Heads had been made of Hackney-Turnips, one Word in contradiction would have cost us a Nights Lodging in the Counter; for he makes no more of committing a Man, than a Tavern-Drawer does of Kissing the Cook. And his Thirsty Retinue that at­tend him, are rare hard-mouth’d Fellows at an Oath; and can Swear as heartily as a Lancashire Evidence, you were Drunk, tho’ you drank nothing but Coffee in three days before; and that you abused the Consta­ble, tho’ you gave him not an ill word; and Swore abundance of Oaths, tho’ your Communication (Quaker like) was nothing but Yea, yea, and Nay, nay.

The great good these Fellows do in the Streets, is to Disturb People every Hour with their Bawling, under pretence of taking care they may sleep quietly in their Beds; and call every old Fool by his Name se­ven times a Night, for fear he should rise and forget it next Morning; and often, instead of preventing Mischief, make it; by carrying honest Persons to the Counter, who would fain walk Peaceably home to their own Habitations: And provoke Gentlemen, by their Sauciness, to commit those Follies, ’tis properly their Business to prevent. In short, it is reasonable enough to believe, they play more Rogues Tricks than ever they detect, and occasion more Disturbances in the Streets than ever they hinder.

By this time we were come to Billingsgate; and in a narrow Lane, as dark as a Burying Vault, which Stunk of stale Sprats, Piss, and Sirreverence, we gro­ped about, like a couple of Thieves in a Cole-hole, to

find the Entrance of that Nocturnal Theatre, in whose delightful Scenes we propos’d to terminate the Nights felicity. At last we stumbled upon the Threshold of a Gloomy Cavern; where, at a distance, we saw, Lights burning like Candles in a Haunted Cave, where Ghosts and Gobblins keep their Midnight Revels.

We no sooner enter’d, but heard such a number of Female Tongues, so Promiscuously engag’d in a Mess of Tittle-Tattle, That had a Water-man knock’d down his Wife with his Stretcher, and been trying for the Fact by a Parliament of Fish-Women, they could not have exercis’d their nimble Instruments with more impatience.

We e’en turn’d our selves into the Smoaky Boozing Ken amongst them; where round the Fire sat a tat­ter’d Assembly of Fat Motherly Flat-caps, with their Fish-Baskets hanging upon their Heads instead of Ri­ding-hoods, with eve­ry one her Nipperkin of warm Ale and Brandy; and as many Rings upon their Thumbs as belongs to a suit of Bed-Curtains. Everyone as Slender in the Waste as a Dutch Skipper in the Buttocks; and look’d together, like a Litter of Squab Elephants. Their Noses were as sharp as the Gnomon of a Dial, and look’d as Blew as if they had been Frost-nip’d. Their Cheeks were as plump as an Infants Buttocks, but adorn’d with as many Crimson Carnossities as the Face of a Noblemans Butler, who has liv’d Forty Years in a Family; and plainly pro­ved by the depth of their colour, That Brandy is a Nobler Die than Claret. Their Tongues were as loud as the Temple-Horn, that calls the Cuckold-makers to their Commons: And every word they spoke was at least in the Pitch of double Gammut. Their chief clamour was against High-heads and Patches; and said it would have been a very good Law, if Q. Mary had effected her design, & brought the proud Minks’s of the

Town to have worn High-Crown’d Hats instead of Top-knots.

Then one looking over her Shoulder, and spying me behind her, accosts me after this manner; God save you, honest Master, will you Pledge me? Ay, Dame, said I, with all my Heart. Why then, says she, here’s a Health to mine A—s, and a Fart for those that owe no Money.

Lord help my poor Masters, says another, they look as if they had disoblige’d their Wives or their Landladies, and they would not rise, and let them in to Night.

Come, come away, says my Friend, let’s seek ano­ther Apartment: These saucy Tongu’d old Whores will tease us to Death. Which unhappy words one of them over-heard; and starting up like a Fury, thus gave her Lungs a Breathing.

You White-liver’d Son of a Fleet-street Bumsitter,Bumsitter: whore. be­got upon a ChairChair: a light vehicle carried by men; a sedan. at Noonday, between Ludgate and Tem­ple-Bar. You Puppily off-Spring of a Mangy Night­walker, who was forc’d to Play the Whore an Hour before she cry’d out,cry’d out: gave birth. to pay the Bawd her Midwife, for bringing you, you Bastard, into the World. Who is it that you call Whore?

Away slunk my Friend and I into another Room, and left them to spend their malignant Spirits by them­selves, and were as thankful to Providence we escap’d so imminent a Danger, as if deliver’d from the Rage of so many Wild-Cats. And indeed if their Tallons were as sharp as their Tongues, they need not fear a Combat with all the Beasts of America.

We were now tumbled into Company compos’d of as many sorts of Rakes as you may see Whores at a Buttock-Ball. One in a long Wig and Muff, look­ing as fretful as a broken Gamester, biting his Nailes as if he was ready to Curse aloud Confound the Dice. Another as dull as if the Grey Mare was the better Horse; and deny’d him Enterance for keeping late

Hours. The next as brisk and lively as if just come of Age, and had got his Means in his own Hands, bought his Time of his Master, and fear’d no colours: But thinking the day too short for his Fortune, resolves the Night shall make amends, by lengthening out his Pleasures.

Up in a Corner sat a couple of brawny Watermen, one Eating Broil’d Red Herrings, and the other Bread and Cheese and Onions, that had a Welch-man Spew’d up his Cous-bobby and Leek-Porridge into a Dutch­man’s Close Stool Pan, it could not have produc’d a fi­ner Nose-gay to have Poison’d the Devil.

Then in blunders a Drunken Tar, as great in his Thoughts as an Admiral; and calls to the Boy in the Bar after this manner. You Horse-turdly Spawn of a Fresh-water Lubber, why don’t you hand me a Candle, and induct me to my Cabbin, that I may Belay my self? As the Boy lights him up Stairs, he stumbles; and Curses, The Devil D—n the Ratlings of these Wooden Shrowds, for I have broke my Shins against ’em, I had ra­ther run up to the Cross Trees of the Main-top-mast in a Storm, than six Rounds of these confounded Land Ladders after the Drinking a Kan of Phlip or a Bowl of Punch.

Next this came in a spruce Blade with a pretended Wife, ask’d what time the Boats went off to Grave­send, they told him about four in the Morning. Alas, says he, that will be too long to sit up: Can’t my Wife and I have a Bed here? Yes, yes, Sir, if you please, reply’d the pious Beldam, God forbid else, we have several couple a­bove in Bed, that wait for the Tide as well as you Sir. So up they were lighted Post-haste to the Old Trade of Basket-making.

After these Bolted in two Seamen, with a little crooked Fiddler before them, short Pipes in their Mouths, Oaken Truncheons in their Hands, Thrum-Caps upon their Heads, and Canvas Trunks upon their Arses. We had the Good Luck for these to

stagger in our Company, whose unpolish’d Behavi­our, Apish Guestures, and Maritime Nonsense, added no small Pleasure to the Night, but gave us hopes of as much Mirth as a London Apprentice finds at a Bar­tholomew Fair Poppet Show, or a Country ’Squire a­mong a gang of Stroling Comedians.

The two lousie Subjects of the pickled God Neptune, having wash’d off their Brine with a Plentiful Dose of Fresh-water Ale, began to be as brisk as a Town Rake that has shak’d off his Poverty, or a Court Libertine an old Mistress. In their Frolicks they happened to espy a Hook drove into the Mantle-Tree, which they immediately converted to a very Comical use, laying violent Hands on my little Lord Crowdero, and by the hind slit of his Breeches, hung him upon the Ten­ter, who being sorely affrighted at this unexpected Elevation, shot that into his Trousers, which made the Crooked Vermin out-stink a Pole-Cat. In this condition, pendant like a Play House Machine, or a Brazen Cherub over a Church Branch; Begging with humble Submission to be set safe upon Terra Firma. All the time dripping his Guts upon the Earth like a Roasted Wood-Cock; till at last, by rigling, broke the String of his Breeches, and down came our Broil’d Scraper into his own Sauce, upon his feeble Instrument; and was a Sweet Bit ready to be serv’d up to a weak Appetite.

This put the whole Company into such an extra­vagant fit of Laughter, That had we seen a Bailiff bogg’d, or a Fellow break his Neck at Foot-ball, it could not have been a greater Jest to the Spectators. But as soon as the Angry Homunculus had gathered himself up from his own Dunghill, he gave the two Tritons such an untuneable Lesson upon his ill tun’d Organ, that the whining of a Dog-drawn Bitch, or the winding of a Cat-call, could not have disoblig’d our Ears with less grateful Harmony. When he had thus given vent to his ungovernable Indignation, he cockt

the Arm of his Hump’d Shoulder upon his Hip, and away rowl’d the Runlet of Gall, turning his unsa­voury Bung-hole upon the Company.

The Tarpaulins now began to talk to each other of their Travels; and of the sundry remarkable Acci­dents which had happened in their Voyages. One swore They once found it so excessive Hot going to Guinea, that they us’d no Fire to Boil their Kettle, but drest all their Beef above Deck in the Sun-shine: And could Bake, Boil, Fry, or Stew, as well as in an Ambrals Cook-room.

Says the other, I never was in so Hot a Climate, as that, but I have been so many degrees to the Northward, where it has been so Cold, it has frozen our Words in our Mouths, that we could not hear one another speak, till we came into a warmer Latitude to thaw ’em; and then all our Discourse broke out together like a Clap of Thunder, that there was never such a Confusion of Tongues ever heard at Babel.

Says his Companion, That’s very strange, but I have known stranger things to be true. I once was sitting upon my Chest between Decks, Lousing an old Canvas Jacket, and we had found by our Observation that day, we were wi­thin a few Minutes of being under the Tropick of Cancer; and on a sudden it began to Lower; and the Larboard Watch handed in our Sails, for fear of a Tornado or a Squale: At last a Beam of Lightening darted thro’ an o­pen Port, melted one of the Guns, and went through a pair of Buck-skin Breeches I had on, and Burnt the Lappets of a blew Shirt to Tinder, hiss’d as it came like a Rattle-Snake, but did my Body no manner of Damage.

As our Salt-water Wits were thus Romancing, who should stagger into our Company, but an old Acquaintance of my Friends, who (as I understood by his Talk) was an Exchange Commodity-Broker: A kind of Mungril Match-maker, between Cock-Bawd, and Pimp; or rather a Composition of both. He made more a roaring than half a dozen Drunken Porters,

and was as full of Freaks as a Madman at the Full of the Moon. He Guzzl’d, and Rattl’d, Smoak’d, and Star’d like a Fury: And every time he spoke ’twas with so much Earnestness, that I thought his Eyes would have flown out of his Head in pursuit of his Words. All he talk’d was lowd Nonsense; and the heat of his Brain setting Fire to his Tongue, made e­very thing he said so wonderfully hot, it made the Ears of all People glow that heard ’em. At last he pluck’d out a Catalogue of what Fortunes he had at his Disposal, viz.

A Mercers Daughter in Cornhil, about Seventeen, who was unluckily Kiss’d by her Fathers Prentice, which being spread among the Neighbourhood, he is willing to give her two hundred Pounds advance a­bove an Equality, to salve up the flaw, to any Honest Young Shop-keeper, that will wink at a fault to bet­ter his Condition.

An old Maid that had Liv’d 30 Years in an Alder­mans Family, who with her Wages, Lady’s old Cloaths, and Money got for private Service, is worth about three hundred pounds; and thinks her self Qualified for keeping a Victualers Bar, is willing to bestow her self upon any honest Free-man, if clear in the World, tho’ not worth a Groat.

A young Buxom Widdow, on the Back-side of the Change, who was Married five Years, but never had a Child; is still in her Mourning, wonderfully Pret­ty, and tollerably Honest: She is willing to dispose of her self to a brisk, likely Man, within or without the Year: Is in a good Shop well custom’d, and needs no Money.

About half a Hundred Exchange Girles, some Tall, some Short, some Black, some Fair, some Handsome, some Housewifely, some Homely, some Vertuous, but all with White-Chappel Portions, and will make very good Wives for those who have more Money than Wit, and more Faith than Jealousie.

A Vintners Daughter bred at the Dancing School, becomes a Bar well, steps a Minuet finely, Plays John come Kiss me now, now, now, sweetly upon the Vir­ginals, makes a very graceful Figure, and is as Proud, as she’s Handsome: Will have a great many Quart-Pots, old Pewter, Linnen, and other Houshold-stuff to her Portion; but whoever Marries her, must Ride her with a Curb, or she may prove unlucky to the Bane of her Rider.

When he had thus diverted us with his Catalogue of Job’s Comforters, which he pretended were upon Sale, and at his disposal, my Friend began to put me in mind of the considerable Business we had upon Change, at Gresham Colledge, Bedlam, and other places, on the morrow, which occasion’d us to think of Bed, though with as much indifferency as a worn-out Stallion does of a pretty Punk, or a new Married Woman of her Prayers. For the pleasures of the Night were so en­gaging, and every various Humour such a wake­ful piece of Drollery, that a Mountebank and his Jack Pudding, or a set of Morrice-Dancers, could not give more content to a crowd of Country Specta­tors, than the lively Action of what is here repeated did afford us. But to qualifie our selves the better for our Task, we thought it necessary to take some Rest: So, accordingly, were conducted to a Room which stunk as bad of Pitch, Tar, Sweat, and Tallow, as a Ship between Decks, when the: Tars are in their Hamocks: But the unseasonableness of the hour, forc’d us to be content. And so good Night to ye.

THE
London-Spy.
PART III

WHen we had cool’d the Fever of our Brains with a plentiful Dose of that reviving Cordial, Sleep; and our wakeful Facul­ties having shaken off Morpheus’s Leaden Plummets from our drowsie Eye-lids (after a few Slug-a-Bed Yawnes and Lazy Stretches) we found, by the advance­ment of the Day, it was high time to make our Re­surrection. Accordingly, with mutual resolutions, we started from Sluggards Paradice, the Bed; and col­lected our scatter’d Garments in order for Equipping.

When with abundance of Rubbing, Scrubbing, Washing and Combing, we had made our selves to­lerable Figures to appear by Day light, we descend­ed from our Snoaring-Kennel, so finely Perfum’d by the fusty Jackets of their Tarpaulin Guests, that it smelt as Odoriferously grateful, as a Suffolk-Cheese toasting over a Flaming Pitch-barrel. It’s walls being adorn’d with as many unsavory Finger-dabs as an Inns of Court Bog-house. The Ceiling Beautified, like a Soldiers Garrot, or a Counter Chamber, with Smutty Names and Bawdy Shadows, Sketch’d by unskilful hands with Candle-flame and Charcole. The Bed, ’tis true, was Feathers, but most of them large enough to make Pens or Tooth-Pickers. An Earthen Chamber-Pot as big as a three Gallon Steyn, Glaz’d o’er with Green, and looks as fine as any Temple Mug or Country Pudding-Pan.

Having turn’d our Back-sides upon these CubicularCubicular: belonging to the bedchamber. Conveniencies, we crept, being Cold, to a new kindled smoaky Fire, where we fortified our Appetites against the Contagious Breaths of Funking Carmen, with a Penny-worth of burnt Bread soften’d in a Mug of Por­ters Guzzle, improv’d with a slice of Cheshire. This we gobbled up (being hasty to be gone) with as much Expedition as a Citizens Wife does an Islington Cheese­cake, when Treated by her Husband. Then satisfied our Tun-bellied Hostess, and left the Infernal Mansion to the sinful Sons of Darkness, there to practice their Iniquities.

We now turn’d down to the Thames-side, where the frightful roaring of the Bridge Water-falls so a­stonish’d my Eyes, and terrified my Ears, that, like Roger in his Mill, or the Inhabitants near the Cataracts of Nile, I could hear no Voice softer than a Spea­king Trumpet, or the audible Organ of a Scolding Fish-Woman. After I had feasted my Intellects with the surprizing Novelty, we turn’d towards Billingsgate;

where a parcel of Fellows came running upon us in a great fury, crying out (as I thought) Schollars, Schollars, will you have any Whores? Lord Bless me, said I to my Friend, What a wicked place is this, that a Man in a Black Coat cannot pass about his business without being ask’d in publick such an abominable Question? Hauling and Pul­ling him about by the Arms, as if they would force him to commit Fornication in spright of his Teeth: Notwith­standing I told ’em we wanted no Whores, nor would we have any, yet they would scarce be satisfied. My Friend laugh’d heartily at my innocent Mistake, and undeceiv’d my Ignorance; telling me they were Wa­termen, who distinguish’d themselves by the Titles of Oares and Scullers; which made me Blush at my Error, like a Bashful Lady that had drop’t her Garter, or a Modest Man who cripples his Jest by a forgetful He­sitation.

After we had loos’d our selves, with much difficul­ty, from the unparallel’d Insolency of Charon’s Pro­geny, we turn’d into a Crowd of Thumb-Ring’d Flat-caps, from the Age of Seven to Seventy, who sat Snar­ling and Grunting at one another, over their Sprats and Whitings, like a pack of Domestick Dogs over the Cook-maids kindness, or a parcel of hungry Sows at a Trough of Hogwash; every one looking as sharp as a stroling Fortune-teller; that I fear’d they would have pickt my Pocket with their Eyes, or have brought me under an ill-Tongue before I could have shot this dangerous Gulph, where the Angry Surges of a Tempestuous Tittle Tattle run Mountain high, dashing into my Ears on every side, that I was as glad when I had weather’d this Storm of Verbosity, as an Insolvent Credi­tor who has slip’d the Villanous gripes of a gang of Protection-Cursers.

Having thus happily quitted the stink of Sprats, and the untuneable Clamours of the Wrangling Society, we pass’d round the Dock, where some Salt Water

Slaves, according to their well-bred Custom, were pelting of Sons of Whores at one another, about the Birth of their Oyster-Boats. One unhappily being ac­quainted how to touch the other in his tenderest part, gaul’d his impatient Adversary with the provoking Name of Cuckold; which intollerable Indignity so fer­mented the Choler of the little Snail-catcher, that he resolved to show himself a Champion in defence of his Wife’s Virtues; and leaping into the others Boat, there, like a true-bred Cock, made a vigorous assault upon his Enemies Dunghill. But a sad disaster attended the poor Combatants, for in their Scuffle they fell Over-board: But the Tide being half spent, the Water was not high enough to cool their Courage; for notwith­standing, they maintain’d an Amphibious Fight, and Battell’d, like Ducks and Drakes, in two Elements at once, till the Cuckold had bravely subdued his Antago­nist, and made his poor Victim (half Drown’d, and half Knock’d o’th’ Head) Publickly acknowledge the un­spotted Reputation of the Victor’s Dutchess; who at the end of the Fray, having receiv’d Intelligence of her Lord and Master’s Engagement, came down to the Dock-side, Crown’d with an Oyster-Basket, and there with an audible Voice, set up a passionate Justification of her own Honesty, to the great Diversion of the whole Auditory. Her Leviathan-Shape was a good te­stimony of her Vertues, for had our first She-Parent been but half so Homely, the Devil would have been Damn’d nine times deeper into the Infernal Abyss, before he would have Robb’d her of her Innocency, or frustrated Adam in the Blessing of his Help-Mate. From thence we mov’d on to a stately Fabrick, before which a parcel of Robust Mortals were as busie as so many Flies upon a Cow turd; some running about in Circular Jimcracks, like so many Turnspits labouring in their Jack-wheels; others so deeply engag’d in hoop­ing of Casks, as if they were taking all imaginable

care that every Tub should stand upon its own bot­tom. Many Scales at work, and abundance of Eagle-Ey’d Vermin hovering about ’em, that I thought at first Justice might have resided there, (till my Friend told me No, no,) and these were her Agents, Balancing the Miseries against the Sins of the Nation. Prethee, Friend, said I, What is that Grizly Bacchanalian, with a Pen twisted in his Hair, whose Face looks as if it cost as much the Dying as would have set up a Topping Vintner? Says my Friend, he’s one of those Cormorants called a Land-Waiter: His Business is to take care no Body cheats the King but himself. His Post is honestly worth a Hundred a Year; but with the help of an open Hand, and a close Mouth, he can (without Burthen to his Conscience) make it worth thrice the Money. What is he in the long Whig, with his Fox-skin Muff upon his Button, and his Pocket Book in his hand? Why he (replies my School-fellow) is a Beau, Prentice to some topping Merchant; and is taking the weight of his Masters Goods, that he is not wrong’d in the Cu­stoms. He is very careful no Body cheats him abroad, and his Master is forc’d to be as watchful Mr. Finikin does not Injure him at home: For a Flattering Com­panion, or a Jilting Mistress, will at any time make him dip his Fingers in the Cash, to treat them with a New-Play, or solace them with a Bottle.

Pray, says my Friend, take Notice of that Gentle­man in the Camlet-Cloak, he will tell you from his own Experience, that any Man may grow Rich from Humility and Industry; and that ’tis nothing but Pride and Laziness that begets Poverty and Misfor­tune. When he came first to Town he had but three Pence in the World, which he Prudently laid out in a new Broom, that might Sweep clean, which he very dexterously apply’d with his utmost Labour, to the Dirty Wharf, without bidding from any Body; but had Sense enough to consider it belong’d to some­ somebody

body, who would at least give him thanks, if not recom­pence his Trouble. The Master of the Wharf happen­ing to espy him at his Task, gave him some small encou­ragement to continue his cleanliness, which he practiced daily with as a Younger Brother in the Courtship of a Fortune, till he had gain’d his end, and curry’d favour with the Merchant, who lent him his assistance by degrees, which the other improving, is now become a Man of a great Estate, and considerable Authority: But if any poor Man ask him for an Alms, he tells him there are Riches buried in the Dirt; and good Fortune in a Broom; and if he will Sweep as he was forc’d to do, he may come in time to be Lord Mayor of London; To which, a cross old Mumper re­ply’d, If you had not got more by Knavery and Usury, than ever you did by your Honesty and Industry, you might have been Apprentic’d to your Broom till this time, and never have been made a Freeman.

I now enquir’d of my Friend what they call’d this busie Spot, he told me ’twas the Custom-House, and in that stately Edifice the Commissioners sat, about whom I ask’d some Questions, but found my Friend too shie to give me satisfaction; saying, If I tell you the Truth, I’m a Fool to my self; if False, unjust to my Friend; and make you become a Lyar to the World; I shall therefore, in­stead of what you expect, give a Proverbial Caution, viz. They are a parcel of Edge-Tools, with whom there is no Jesting; and he that attempts to Eat Fire to please a Crowd, if he finds cause to complain he has Burnt his Mouth, ma­keth himself but a Laughing-Stock.

By the Advice of my Companion, we turn’d back till we came to a place call’d Pig-Hill, which resembling the Steep Descent down which the Devil drove his Hogs to a Bad-Market, I suppose it is therefore ho­nour’d with the aforesaid Title; in regard to which, they are always in a condition of turning the Stomach

of a Jew, or Poisoning a Scotchman; and can satisfie an Epicurian Appetite, or save a Lady’s Longing, with Pig or Pork, in any Hour of the Day, or any Day in the Year: the Cooks, according to report, keeping many Spaniel Bitches, as Wet Nurses, for the due Suckling of their Sows Babbies; which adds, they say, such a Sweetness to their Flesh, that they Eat as fine as any Puppy-Dog, and all such Persons who are ad­mirers of this Luxurious Food, may the whole Win­ter have it there ready Drest, without the Danger of Fly-Sauce, which is more than in Summer I’m able to promise you: All the Elements contribute to their Cooking of every Squeaker they dress; he is first scal­ded in Water, then dry’d in the Air, and half bak’d in the Sun; then Roasted by the Fire, afterwards dis­sected by a Cholerick Executioner, and his Quarters dispos’d on to several Gates of hungry Citizens, where Teeth are the Port-Cullies, as if the poor Pig had been convicted of a Plot, and died a Traytor.

As we walk’d up the Hill, as Lazily as an Artillery Captain before his Company upon a Lord-Mayors day, or a Paul’s Labourer up a Ladder with a Hod of Mor­tar, we peep’d in at a Gateway, where we saw three or four Blades well drest, with Hawkes Counte­nances, attended with half a Dozen Ragamuffinly Fel­lows, showing Poverty in their Rags, and Despair in their Faces, mixt with a parcel of young Wild Strip­lings like Run-away Prentices: I could not forbear enquiring of my Friend about this Ill-favour’d multi­tude, patch’d up of such awkward Figures, that it would have puzzled a Moor-Fields Artist, well Read in Physiognomy, to have discover’d their Dispositions by their Looks.

That House, says my Friend, which they there are entering, is an Office where Servants for the Plantations, bind themselves to be miserable as long as they Live, without an especial Providence prevents

it, &c. Those fine Fellows who look like Foot-men upon a Holy-day, crept into cast Suits of their Ma­sters, that want Gentility in their Deportments an­swerable to their Apparel, are Kidnappers, who walk the Change, and other parts of the Town, in order to seduce People, who want Services, and Young Fools crost in Love, and under an uneasiness of mind, to go beyond Seas, getting so much a head of Masters of Ships, and Merchants who go over, for every Wretch they trapan into this Misery. Those Young Rakes and Tatterdemallions you see so Lovingly hearded, are drawn by their Fair Promises to Sell themselves into Slavery, and the Kidnappers are the Rogues that run away with the Money.

Now, says my Friend, I’ll show you a Towering E­difice, erected thro’ the Wisdom and Honesty of the City; as a very high Memorandum of it’s being laid low, either by a Judgment from Heaven for Sins of the People, or by the Treachery of the Papists, ac­cording to the Inscription of the Monument; who I sup­pose is as Ignorant of the matter as my self; for that was neither Built then, nor I Born: so I believe we are equally as able to tell the Truth of the Story, as a Quack Astrologer is by the assistance of the Signs and Planets, what was the Name of Moses’s Great Grand-Father, or how many Quarts of Water went to the Worlds drowning. You’ll be mightily pleas’d with the Lof­tiness of this slender Column, for it’s very height was the first thing that ever occasioned wry Necks in England, by the Peoples staring at the Top on’t. To the Glory of the City, and the Everlasting Reputation of the worthy Projectors of this high and mighty Babel; it was more savingly than honestly Built, by the poor Orphans Money; many of them since having beg’d their Bread; and the Charitable Elders of the City have given them a Stone. Look ye now, you may see it; pray view it, and give me your Opinion.

What is it of no use but only to Gaze at? Yes, yes, says my Friend; Astrologers go often to the Top on’t, when they have a mind to play the Pimp, and see Mars and Venus in Conjunction; tho’ the chief use of it is for the improvement of Vintners Boys and Draw­ers, who come every Week to exercise their Suppor­ters, and learn the Tavern-Trip by running up to the Balcony, and down again, which fixes them in a Nim­ble step, and makes them rare Light-heeld Emissaries in a Months Practice. Do you observe the Carving, which contains the King and his Brother’s Picture? They were cut by an Eminent Artist, and are look­ed upon by a great many Impartial Judges to be a cou­ple of extraordinary good figures. Pray what think you? I know you have some Judgement in Propor­tion.

Why truly, said I, they are the only Grace and Or­nament of the whole Building; but ’tis a thousand pi­ties the Stones formed into so Noble Order, should be so basely purchas’d, to the ruin of so many thousand Fatherless and Widdows; but I suppose it was Po­litically done, to fix such a Testimonial of their Loyalty upon a Structure so unjustly rais’d, that the one might in some measure wash away the Stain of the other; and to prevent the high flown Loyalists to reflect upon their Treachery to the poor Orphans, since they may pretend (tho’ they cheated ’em of their Money) ’twas with a pious design of setting up the Kings Picture, in reverence to his Person, who all the World knows they had a wonderful respect for; and in honour to the City, which, to be sure, was as dear to them as their Lives and Fortunes. Tho’ I have heard their chief drift in this memorable Undertaking was, to get E­states to themselves without mistrust; that they might enjoy them without molestation.

As you say, this Edifice, as well as some others, was projected as a Memorandum of the Fire, or

an Ornament to the City; but to give those corrupt­ed Magistrates who had the Power in their Hands, the opportunity of putting Two Thousand Pound into their own Pockets, whilst they paid one towards the Building. I must confess all that I think can be spoke in Praise of it, is, ’Tis a Monument to the City’s shame, the Orphans Grief, the Protestants Pride, and the Papists Scandal; and only serves as a high-crown’d Hat, to cover the Head of the old Fellow that shows it.

When my Friend had thus oblig’d me with a full Prospect of our Metropolitan May-Pole, we turn’d up Grace-Church-Street, in order for Gresham-Colledge, where we met a Fellow in a Gown, with a piece of Prodigali­ty, call’d a Mace, upon his Shoulder; and another, like one of Justice’s Sumpter-Horses, laden with Scales, Weights and Measures; a third Arm’d like a Round-headed Cuckold, marching to Horn-Fair, with a Pick-Ax. These advanced in the Front, Attended with a Troop of Loyterers in Gowns, who Hobbled after, with as much Formality as a parcel of Gossips at a Christening, to the Parish Church, behind Mother Grope, and her fine Mantle. They had match’d them­selves together with abundance of Discretion; mix’d Fat and Lean like so many Scotch Runts in Smithfield Market, amongst the like number of Lincolnshire-Oxen, that I thought it a lively representation of Pharoah’s Dream, appearing to me as a true Emblem of Plenty and Famine: For one part of them look’d as if they had half eat up the other. By and by, they pitch’d down a Triangular Device, with as many Legs as Tyburn; and began of a sudden to be all as busie as so many She­riffs Men at an Execution. I enquir’d of my Friend how these Mortals were Dignified or Distinguish’d, and what was the weighty Affair they were so prying­ly Engaged in? He told me these were a part of the worthy Members of the Quest, whose Business was to Inspect Weights and Measures, taking care that eve­every

ry Shop-keepers Yard be of the Standard length, whilst the Wife (sitting behind the Counter) laughs in her Sleeve all the time they’re Measuring. Also to give warning for the mending of Pavements, and removing all Nusances under the Penalty of a Fine. Their Meeting is generally at a Hall, except they have a Quest-House, from whence they go to Church to Prayers, and return back to be Drunk. They detect very few People in their Faults, for they Ho­nestly take care not to injure their Neighbours, but inform them when they shall walk their Rounds, that they may remove their false Weights and Measures out of the way; and have larger ready to produce to con­ceal their Roguery. The Inhabitants of every Precinct are oblig’d to give ’em their Company at Dinner; where he that does not behave himself Generously, and purchase his Security at the expence of half a piece, shall be surely return’d upon the Jury the next Impan­nel. They have an old Custom of Brewing Spic’d-Ale; and he that does not take care to send his Wife a Jug-ful, runs the hazard by his Negligence, of rai­sing an evil Spirit in his Family, that no Conjurer can lay in a Fortnight. They have as many several Offices amongst ’em, as are in a Noble-mans Family, viz. Foreman, Controuler, Treasurer, Steward, Butler, &c. They have a Groat a House from each Inhabitant, be­sides their Fines, with which they Feast their ingurgi­tating Stomachs with luxurious Excesses. The Quest­mens Generosity and the Aldermans Humility are com­monly equal: The Quest contribute in every Ward, thro’ Benevolence, their Crowns a piece, to give his Worship a Collation answerable to his Dignity.

From thence we pass’d without any thing remark­able, till we came to Wise-Acres-Hall, more common­ly call’d Gresham-Colledge, which we entr’d as grave­ly as a couple of Eleemosinary Smoakers in M—u’s

Shop, or a couple of sanctified Harlots into B—s Meeting-house; we step’d thro’ a little Brick Court, and then came into a Spacious Quadrangle, where, in a Melancholy Cloister, we saw a Peripatetick walking, ruminating, as I suppose, upon his Entities, Essences, and Occult Qualities, or else upon the Philosophers-stone; looking as if he very much wanted it; his steps he measur’d out with that Exactness and Deliberation, that, I believe, had just such a Number fail’d by bring­ing him to the end of the Cloister, he would have been in a great Passion with his Legs; during his peram­bulation, his Eyes were fix’d upon the Pavement, from whence I conjecture, he could see as well into a Mill-Stone as another; all the time we observ’d him, he took great care to follow his Nose, fearing, I suppose, if he had turned his Guide towards either Shoulder, he should have lost his way, and having wandred upon some other Stones out of that direct line to which he had confin’d his walk: His Countenance was Mathemati­cal, having as many Lines and Angles in his Face, as you shall find in Euclid’s Elements; and look’d as if he had fed upon nothing but Cursus Mathematicus for a Fortnight; he seem’d to scorn the use of Gloves as much as Diogenes did his Dish, crossing his Arms over his Breast, and warming his Hands under his Armpits, his Lips quak’d as if he’d had an Ague in his Mouth; which tremulous motion I conceiv’d was occasion’d by his Soliloquies, to which we left him. My Friend conducted me up a pair of Stairs, to the Elaboratory-keeper’s Apartment, and desir’d him to oblige us with a Sight of the Rarities; who very courteously granted us the Liberty; opening his Ware-House of Egyptian Mummies, old musty Skeletons, and other antiquated Trumpery: The first thing he thought most worthy of our Notice, was the Magnet, with which he show’d some notable Experiments, it made a Paper of Steel-Filings prick up themselves one up­upon

upon the back of another, that they stood pointing like the Bristles of a Hedge-hog; and gave such Life and Merriment to a parcel of Needles, they danc’d the Hay, by the Motion of the Stone, as if the Devil were in ’em; the next things he presented to our view were a parcel of Shell-Flies almost as big as Lobsters, arm’d with Beaks as big as those of Jack-daws: Then he commended to our Observation that wonderful Cu­riosity the Unicorns Horn; made as I suppose, by an Ingenious Turner, of the Tusks of an Elephant; it is of an excellent Virtue; and, by report of those that know nothing of the matter, will expel Poison beyond the Mountebanks Orvieton: Then he carry’d us to another part of the Room, where was an Avi­ary of Dead Birds, Collected from the Extream parts of Europe, Asia, Africa, and America; amongst which were an East-India Owl, a West-India Bat, and a Bird of Paradise; the last being Beautified with variety of Colours, having no discernable Body, but all Feathers; Feeding when alive, upon nothing but Air, and tho’ ’tis as big as a Parrot, ’tis as light as a Cobweb; it is reported by the Sage Philosophers of this Society, That a Feather of this Fowl, carry’d about you, is an Infal­lible security against all Evil Temptation; for which Reason they have pretty well pick’d it, to carry home Presents of it to their Wives and Daughters. Then he usher’d us among sundry sort of Serpents, as the Noy, Pelonga, Rattle-Snake, Alligator, Crocadile, &c. That looking round me, I thought my self hem’d in amongst a Legion of Devils: When we had taken a survey of these Pincushion Monsters, we turn’d to­wards the Skeleton of Men, Women, and Monkeys, Birds, Beasts, and Fishes; Abortives put up in Pickle, and abundance of other Memorandums of Mortality; that they looked as Ghostly as the Picture of Michael Angelo’s Resurrection; as if they had Collected their scatter’d Bones into their Original Order, and were

about to March in search after the rest of the Ap­purtenances.

When we had taken this short view of the Won­ders of the World, and had crost the hand of our Ra­ree-show Interpreter with a piece of Silver, who, like the crooked Oratour to the Abby-Tombs, made a notable Harangue upon every Bauble in this Store-House, glutted with the Sight of those Rusty Reliques, and Philosophical Toys, we determin’d to steer our Course towards Bedlam; so remov’d from Maggot-mongers-Hall, to survey Madmans-Colledge. In the mid-way, between both, my Friend bid me take No­tice of a Man, who was Shuffling along in as much haste as a Scrivener to make a Will, or a poor Quack to a Rich Patient; that Man, says he, That walks like a Mercury, as if he had Wings to his Heels, is a Topping Vertuosa, and a Member of the Royal Society; he is by his Profession a Labourer to a Physician, but has made himself, by a curious inspection into Mysteries of Uni­versality, a Jack of all Trades, and is thought by the Learned, to be as knowing a Philomat as he that has peep’d seven Years into a Pitch-Barrel; he’s a won­derful Artist at the cleansing of a foul Stomach, or the sweeping of a Gut; and was one of the chief Promo­ters of Mens Ease, who brought that savory Recepta­cle, call’d a Close-Stool, to its true Perfection; he pub­lishes a Weekly Paper for the Improvement of Trade and Husbandry; wherein, for the benefit of the Pub­lick, he has inserted the most choice Receipts for the making of Pancakes, Fritters, Puddings, Dumplins, also to make Porridge or Thick-milk, that ever were extant; he likewise thro’ his Wisdom and Generosity, has taught the World, at the expence of half a Crown to sweeten a Dozen of Glass-Bottles, which you may buy new for two Shillings; also how at thirty Shil­lings charge we may improve an Acre of Land not Valluable at one Shilling, to be worth twenty; a­

amongst the rest, he is a Joyner of Sexes, and will Lear­nedly prove, upon such Occasions, That Generation was the main end of our Creation; what ever Match he makes, he seldom fails of his double Reward; that is, to get Money on one side, and Curses on t’other; for he is a Man of that Conscience and Consideration, that he generally takes care to couple those who are worth Money, to such who want it.

Thus we prattled away our time, till we came in Sight of a Noble Pile of Building, which diverted us from our former discourse, and gave my Friend the Occasion of asking me my Thoughts of this Magnifi­cent Edifice: I told him, I conceiv’d it to be my Lord Mayors Palace, for I could not imagine so stately a Structure could be design’d for any Quality inferior; he smil’d at my Innocent Conjecture, and inform’d me this was Bedlam, an Hospital for Mad-folks: In truth, said I, I think they were Mad that Built so cost­ly a Colledge for such a Crack-brain’d Society; adding, It was pitty so fine a Being should not be possessed by such who had a Sense of their Happiness; sure, said I, it was a Mad Age when this was Rais’d, and the chief of the City were in a great danger of losing their Senses, so contriv’d it the more Noble for their own Reception; or they would never have flung away so much Money to so foolish a purpose: You must consi­der, says my Friend, this stands upon the same Foun­dation as the Monument, and the Fortunes of a great many poor Wretches lies Buried in this Ostentatious piece of Vanity; and this, like the other, is but a Monument of the Cities Shame and Dishonour, instead of it’s Glory; come let us take a walk in, and view it’s inside.

Accordingly we were admitted in thro’ an Iron-Gate, within which sat a Brawny Cerberus, of an Indico-colour, leaning upon a Money-box; we turn­ed in thro’ another Iron-Barricado, where we heard

such a rattling of Chains, drumming of Doors, Ranting, Hollowing, Singing, and Running, that I could think of nothing but Don Quevedo’s Vision, where the Damn’d broke loose, and put Hell in an Uproar. The first whimsie-headed Wretch of this Lunatick Family, that we observ’d, was a merry Fellow in a Straw-Cap, who was talking to himself after this manner, That he had an Army of Eagles at his Command; then claping his hand upon his Head, Swore by his Crown of Moon-shine, he would Battel all the Stars in the Skies but he would have some Clarret: In this interim, came a Gentleman to stare at him with a Red-face: No wonder, said his Aereal Majesty, Clarret is so scarce; look there’s a Rogue carry’s more in his Nose, than I, that am Prince of the Air, have had in my Belly this Twelvemonth. If you are Prince of the Air, said I, Why don’t you Command the Man in the Moon to give you some? To which he reply’d, The Man in the Moon’s a sorry Rascal; I sent to him for a dozen Bottles but t’other day, and he swore by his Bush, his Cellar had been dry this Sixmonths; but I’ll be even with the Rogue, I expect a Cloud Laden with Claret to be sent me by the Sun every day; and if a Spoonful of Lees would save him from Choaking, the Old Drunken Whores-Bird should not have a Drop.

We then mov’d on till we found another remarka­ble Figure worth our observing, who was peeping thro’ his Wicket, eating of Bread and Cheese, talking all the while like a Carrier at his Supper, chewing his Words with his Victuals, all that he spoke being in Praise of Bread and Cheese; Bread was good with Cheese, and Cheese was good with Bread, and Bread and Cheese was good together; and abundance of such stuff; to which my Friend and I, with others, stood Listening; at last he Counterfeits a Sneeze, and shot such a mouthful of Bread and Cheese amongst us, that every Spectator had some share of his Kindness, which made us retreat; he calling after us Masters, Masters; some

went back to hear what he had to say, and he had provided them a plentiful Bowl of Piss, which he cast very Successfully amongst them, crying in a Laugh, I never give Victuals, but I give Drink, and you’re Well­come Gentlemen.

The next unhappy Object amongst this Shatter-Brain’d Fraternity, was a Scholar of St. John’s Colledge in Cambridge, who was possess’d with Melancholy, but very inoffensive, and had the Liberty of the Gallery; this was a very Musical Man, which is thought to be one great Occasion of his Distemper: My Friend walk’d up to him, and introduc’d some talk, to divert himself with a few of his Frensical Extravagancies. Another Lunatick in his Intervals, who had Li­berty of ranging the House, Catches hold of my School-fellows Arm, and express’d himself after this manner, Do’st thou know, Friend, what thou art doing? Why thou art talking to a Madman, a Fiddling fellow, who had so many Crotchets in his Head, that he crack’d his Brains about his thorow Bases. Prithee, says my Companion, What was the Occasion of Thy Distemper? To which he answer’d, I am under this Confinement for the Noble Sins of Drinking and Whoring; and if thou hast not a care, it will bring thee into the same Condition.

We peep’d into another Room, which smelt as strong of Chamber-Lie, as a Bottle of Sal Armoniac, where a Fellow was got as hard at word, as if he’d been treading Mortar: What is it, Friend, said I, thou art taking all this Pains about? He answer’d me thus, still continuing in Action, I am trampling down Consci­ence under my Feet, least he should rise up and fly in my Face; Have a care he does not fright thee, for he looks like the Devil; and is as fierce as a Lion, but that I keep him Muzzled; therefore get thee gone, or I will set him upon thee. Then fell a clapping his Hands, and cry’d Halloo, halloo, halloo, halloo, halloo; and thus we left him Raving.

Another was holding forth with as much vehe­

Vehemencemence against Kingly Government, as a Brother of Common-wealth Doctrine, rails against Plurality of Livings: I told him he deserv’d to be Hang’d for talking of Treason. Now, says he, You’re a Fool, we Madman have as much Priviledge of Speaking our minds, within these Walls, as an Ignorant Dictator, when he Spews out his Nonsense to the whole Parish. Prithee come and live here, and you may talk what you will, and no body will call you in Question for it: Truth is Persecuted every where abroad, and flies hither for Sanctuary, where she sits as safe as a Knave in a Church, or a Whore in a Nunnery. I can use her as I please, and that’s more than you dare do. I can tell Great Men such bold Truths as they don’t love to hear, without the danger of a Whipping Post, and that you can’t do: For if ever you see a Madman Hang’d for spea­king Truth, or a Lawyer whip’d for Lying, I’ll be bound to prove my Cap a Wheel-Barrow.

We then took a walk into the Womens Apartment to see what whimsical Figaries their wandering Fancies would have them to entertain us withal.

The first that we look’d upon, stood stradling with her Back against the wall, crying Come, John come; your Master’s gone to Change. I believe the poor Fool’s afraid of Forfeiting his Indentures. Did you ever see the like? Why, sure you won’t serve your Mistress so, John, will you? Hark, hark, run you Rogue, your Master’s come back to Shop. Yes, you shall have a Wife you old Rogue, with seven hun­dred Pounds, and be married Six Years, and not get a Child. Fye for shame, out upon’t! A Husband for a Woman, a Husband for the Devil! Hang you, Rot you, Sink you, Confound you. And thus at last she run raving on into the highest degree of Madness.

Another was talking very merrily, at her Peeping Hole, to a Crowd of Auditors most of them young Wenches. A foolish Girl, amongst the rest, ask’d the Madwoman how old she was? Who reply’d, She was old enough to have Hair where the other had none.

Which made the Young Creature betake her self to her Heels to avoid the Mockery of the rest. In this Interim came by a Beauish Blade, with his Wig very much Powder’d, Look, look, cries Bess of Bedlam, yon­der goes a Prodigal Puppy, an Extravagant Rascal, that has got more Flower in his Wig, than my poor Mother has in her Meal-Tub to make a Pudding with-all.

The next poor Object that happen’d under our Observation, was a Meager Old Gray Headed Wretch, who look’d as wild as an Angry Cat, and all her Tone was, The Wind is— blow Devil, blow; the Wind is— Blow, Devil, blow; a Seaman who was a staring at her, and listening to what she said, must needs be inquisi­tive how the Wind sat, asking her, Where is the Wind Mother? She hastily replying, The Wind’s in my A—s: Blow, Fool, Blow: Being so pleas’d she had sold him a Bargain, that she fell into an extravagant Fit of laughter, in which we left her.

Having pretty well tir’d our selves with the Fran­tick Humours and Rambling Ejaculations of the Mad-Folks, we took a turn, to make some few Remarks upon the Looseness of the Spectators, amongst whom we observ’d abundance of Intriguing; Mistresses we found were to be had of all Ranks, Qualities, Colours, Prices and Sizes; from the Velvet Scarf, to the Scotch-plad Petticoat; Commodities of all sorts went off, for there wanted not a suitable Jack to every Jill. Every fresh comer was soon engaged in an Amour, tho’ they came in Single they went out by Pairs; ’tis a new Whetstone’s Park, now the old ones Plough’d up, where a Sports-man at any Hour in the Day may meet with Game for his purpose; ’tis as great a conveniency to London, as the Long Cellar to Amsterdam; where any Stranger may pur­chase a Purge for his Reins, at a small expence, and may have a Pox by chance flung into the bargain; All that I can say of it, is this, ’Tis an Alms-House

for Madmen, a Showing Room for Whores, a sure Market for Leachers, a dry Walk for Loiterers.

We needed now no Clock to give the Hour of the Day; our Stomachs, as true as those of the Change, went One; and after redeeming our Liberties from this Piss-burn’d Prison, at the Expence of two-pence, we were led by our Appetites into a Cook’s Shop; and when we had refresh’d Nature with a necessary supply of what she most coveted, we march’d to­wards the Royal Exchange, to which Traders were trotting in as much haste, as Lawyers to Westminster, or Butchers to Smithfield.

The Pillars at the entrance of the Front Porticum, were adorn’d with sundry Memorandums of Old Age, and Infirmity, under which stood here and there a Jack in a Box, like a Parson in a Pulpit, selling Cures for your Corns, Glass-Eyes for the Blind, Ivory Teeth for Broken Mouths, and Spectacles for the weak-sighted; the Passage to the Gate being lin’d with Hawkers, Gardeners, Mandrake-sellers, and Porters; after we Crowded a little way amongst this Miscellaneous Mul­titude, we came to a Pippin Mongers Stall, Surmounted with a Chymists Shop; where Drops, Elixirs, Cor­dials, and Balsams had justly the Preheminence of Ap­ples, Chesnuts, Pears and Oranges; the former being Rank’d in as much order upon Shelves, as the Works of the Holy-Fathers in a Bishops Library; and the latter being Marshall’d with as much exactness as an Army ready to engage; here is drawn up several Regiments of Kentish Pippins, next some Squadrons of Pearmains, joyn’d to a Brigade of Small-Nuts, with a few Troops of Booncritons, all form’d into a Battalion; the Wings compos’d of Oranges, Lemons, Pomegranates, Dry’d-Plumbs, and Medlars; the Decade of these lower gross Bodies drawn over the Helm, are fitted by the help of Ginger, Nutmeg, and Liquorish, to stand upon the up­per Shelf, under a Saleable Title, to Cozen Madmen

and Fools out of their Health and their Money; and to let you know its truly prepar’d, it is made by him who may write himself Physician, Chymist, Apothecary, Confectioner, and Costermonger.

We then proceeded and went on to the Change, turn’d to the Right, and Jostled in amongst a parcel of Swarthy Buggerantoes, Preternatural Fornicators, as my Friend call’d them, who would Ogle a Hand­some Young Man with as much Lust, as a True-bred English Whoremaster would gaze upon a Beautiful Virgin. Advertisements hung as thick round the Pillars of each Walk, as Bells about the Legs of a Morris-Dancer, and an Incessant Buz, like the Mur­murs of the distant Ocean, as a Diapason to our Talk, like a Drone to a Bagpipe. The Wainscote was adorn’d with Quacks Bills, instead of Pictures; never an Emperick in the Town, but had his Name in a Lacquer’d Frame, containing a fair Invitation for a Fool and his Money to be soon parted; thus he that wants a dry Rogue for himself,dry Rogue: a male prostitute. The fourth edition (1709) has instead “Physick for a Clap.” or a Wet-Nurse for a Child, may be furnish’d here at a Minutes warning. After we had squeez’d our selves thro’ a Crowd of Bumfirking-Italians,Bumfirking-Italians: firk, literally, to drive, to urge oneself forward, to move quickly (figuratively, as a play on fuck, sexual intercourse); Italian, a xenophobic reference to sodomites. we fell into a throng of strait-lac’d Monsters in Fur, and Thrum-Caps, with huge Logger-Heads, Effeminate Wastes, and Buttocks like a Flanders-Mare, with Slovenly Mein, Swinish Looks, whose upper Lips were gracefully adorn’d with T—d-colour’d Whiskers, these, with their Gloves under their Arms, and their Hands in their Pockets, were Grunting to each other, like Hogs at their Pease; these, my Friend told me, were the Water-Rats of Europe, who Love no Body but themselves, & Fatten upon the Spoils, & Build their own Welfare upon the Ruin of their Neighbours.

We had no sooner Jostled thro’ this Cluster of Commonwealth’s Men, but we were got amongst a parcel of Lank-Hair’d Formalists, in Flat Crown’d Hats, and short Cloaks, walking with as much State

and Gravity as a Snail o’er the Leaf of a Cabbage, with a Box of Tobacco-Dust in one hand, and the other employ’d in charging their Nostrils, from whence it drops into the Mustachoes, which are always as full of Snush as a Beaus Wig full of Pow­der, every Sentence they spoke was grac’d with a Shrug of the Shoulders; and every Step they took, was perform’d with as much leisure as a Cock strides; these, my Friend told me, were Spaniards; says he, you may know them by the Smell, for they Stink as strong of Garlick as a Polonian Sausage.

These were confus’dly Jumbled among People of sundry Nations, as our Neighbouring Anticks, the French; who talk more with their Heads and Hands, than with their Tongues; who commonly Speak first, and Think afterwards; step a Minuet as they walk, and sit as Graceful on an Exchange-Bench, as if in a great Saddle; their Bodies always Dance to their Tongues, and are so great Lovers of Action, that they were ready to wound every Pillar with their Canes, as they pass’d by, either in Ters, Cart, or Sacoon.

There likewise was the Lords Vagabonds the Jews, who were so accurs’d for their Infidelity, that they are generally the richest People in all Nations where they Dwell; these, like the Spaniards, were such great Consumers of the Wicked Weed in Snush, that their upper Lips look’d as if they excreated thro’ their No­strils, and had forgot to use Bumfodder. These, says my Friend, are the Hawks of Mankind, the Spies of the Universe, the only Trade-Polititians, subtle Knaves and great Merchants.

Here were also a few Amber-Necklace Sellers, as my Friend call’d them; Men with Fur Caps, Long-Gowns, and grave Countenances, seeming Wise in their Carriage; retaining something of the old Grecian Grandure in the comely Deportment; among whom

there was one very handsome young Fellow, which my Companion bid me take particular Notice on; for, says he, that Spark in the Red-Gown was very Familiar with some of our Sweet lip’d Ladies of the City, and was very much Admir’d and Courted by several topping Benefactresses at this end of the Town, to receive their Favours; till the Fool, Proud of his Happiness, must needs boast of their Kindnesses to the Disreputation of his Humble Servants; that they all discarded him with such hatred and contempt, That he is now become the Scorn and Ridicule of every Woman in the City.

Pray, said I, what Tall Sober-look’d Gentleman is that, in so grave a dress, in the Long Black Wig, and formal Hat, that stands as level in the Brim as a Pot-lid, he seems to be wonderfully Reverenc’d by a great many much Finer than himself? That Man, says my Friend, is the greatest Merchant we have in England; and those Fellows that keep a Stern, and now and then come upon his Quarter with their Top-Sails low­er’d, are Commanders of Ships, who are Soliciting for Employment, and he that plies him so close, they call Honour and Glory, who lately bore Command in the Service; he was originally a poor Fisherman, but did a very Notable Exploit, by the help of his Man Jack, that recommended him to a Commission; but either for want of Discretion or Honesty, is turn’d out; and I suppose rather than return to his Nets, he is willing to enter into Merchants Service.

The next Walk we went into, were a parcel of Swords-Men in Twisted Wigs, and Lac’d Hats, with broad Faces, and flattish Noses, saluting one another commonly by the Title of Captain; but look’d as if they had been a great while out of Commission, for most of them were out of Repair; some like Gentlemen without Estates, and others like Foot Men out of Places, many of them picking their Teeth,

often plucking out large Tobacco Boxes to cram a wad in their Mouths, as if most of their Food was Minc’d-Meat.

The other sort were a kind of Lean Carrionly Crea­tures, with Reddish Hair, and freckly Faces, being very much given to Scratching and Shrugging, as if they held Lousiness no Shame, and the Itch no Scan­dal; stooping a little in the Shoulders, as if their Backs had been us’d to a Pedlars-Pack; amongst them was a poor Parson, who came to the wrong place to look for a Benefice; these I found were a Compound of Scotch and Irish, who look’d as if they rather came to Seek for Business, than Dispatch any.

We now were come to the Back Gate of the Change; on the East-side of which, sat a parcel of Women, some looking like Jilts who wanted Cullies, and others like Servants who wanted Places.

We past by them, and Squeez’d amongst Coasters and English Traders, who were as busie in Out-wit­ting one another, as if Plain-Dealing was a Crime, and Cozenage a Vertue.

Take Notice, says my Companion, of that Camel-back’d Spark, he is dignified with the Title of my Lord, and has as many Maggots in his Head, as there are holes in a Cullender, tho’ the Rickets have crush’d him into that lump of Deformity, he has the Happiness, or Curse, I know not whether, to have a very handsome Woman to his Wife, whose prevailing Glances, have tempted such Custom to his Shop, that he can afford to spend three or four Hundred Pounds a Year in a Tavern, without doing himself a prejudice, which she very generously allows him to do out of her gettings, as some Censorious People are apt to imagine, as a gra­tuity for his Toleration for her Liberty of Conscience; she is never without a Shop-full of Admirers, whom she Poisons with her Eyes, and bubbles as she pleases; give her her due, she’s as Beautiful as an Angel, but

as Subtile as the Devil; as Curteous as a Curtesan; but sharp as a Needle; very Free, but very Jiltish; very Inviting, yet some say very Vertuous.

Now, says my Friend, we are got amongst the Plantation-Traders. This may be called Kidnappers Walk; for a great many of these Jamaicans and Bar­badians, with their Kitchen-stuff Countenance, are looking as sharp for Servants, as a Gang of Pickpoc­kets for Booty; but we have given these their Cha­racters already in the Trip to Jamaica, therefore we shall speak but little of them here; I’ll warrant you if they knew the Author was among them, they’d hussle him about, as the Whigs would a Jacobite at the Election of a Lord-Mayor; or the Quakers a Drun­ken Ranter that should disturb ’em at their Meet­ing.

Pray said I, what is’the meaning of that Inscripti­on in Golden Capitals over the Passage, My Lord May­ors Court? My Friend reply’d, That was the Nest of City-Cormorants, who, by saving a little out of many Mens Estates, raise great ones to themselves; by which means they teach Fools Wit, and bring Litigious Knaves to Repentance.

Within that Entry is an Office of Intelligence, pre­tending to help Servants to Places, and Masters to Servants; they have a knack of Bubbling silly Wen­ches out of their Money; who loiter hereabouts up­on this expectancy, till they are pick’d up by the Plan­tation Kidnappers, and Spirited away into a State of Misery and Whoredom.

Now, says my Friend, let us walk on the middle of the Change, and view the Statue; this, says he, is the Figure of King Charles II. and those are Stock-job­bers, who are hovering about him, and are by re­port a pack of as great Knaves as ever he had in his Dominions; the rest are a mix’d Multitude of all Nations, and not worth describing. Now I’ll con-conduct

duct you up Stairs, to take a view of the Fair Ladies and so adjourn to the Tavern, and refresh our selves with a Bottle.

Accordingly we went up, where Women sat in their Pinfolds, begging of Custom, with such Amorous Looks, and Affable Tones, that I could not but fan­cy they had as much mind to dispose of themselves, as the Commodities they deal in: My Ears on both sides were so baited with Fine Linnens, Sir, and Gloves and Ribbons, Sir, that I had a Milliner’s and a Sempstress’s Shop in my Head for a Week after: Well, says my Friend, what do you think of all these pretty Ladies? I answer’d, I thought of them as I did of the Sex; I suppos’d they were all ready to obey the Laws of Nature, and answer the end of their Creation. Says he, This Place is a Nursery for Wives, the Mer­chants Seraglio; for most that you see here, come under Chaucers Character of a Sempstress, and so we’ll leave them.

THE
London-Spy.
PART IV

BEING now well tired with the days Fatigue, our thirsty Veins and drooping Spirits call’d for the assistance of a Cordial Flask. In order to gratifie our craving Appetites with this Refreshment, we stood a while debating what Tavern we should chuse to enrich our Minds with unadulterated Juice. My Friend recollected a little Sanctified Aminadab in Finch-Lane, whose Purple Nectar had acquir’d a Singular Reputa­tion amongst the Staggering Zealots of the Sober Fra­ternity, who are allow’d of late to be as good Judges of the Comfortable Creature, as a Protestant Priest, or a Latitudinarian Fuddle-cap, who (as Rooks play) drink Wine on Sundays.

To this Salutiferous Fountain of Nature’s choicest Juleps, our inclinations led us, tho’ we knew the lit­tle Ruler of the Mansion intended it chiefly for Wa­tering the Lambs of Grace, and not to succour the E­vil off-spring of a Reprobate Generation.

When we had entred our Land of Promise, which overflow’d with more Healthful Riches than either Milk or Honey, we found all things were as silent as the Mourning Attendants at a Rich Mans Funeral; no ringing of Bar-Bell, bawling of Drawers, or ratling of Pot-lids; But a general hush ordered to be kept thro’ the whole Family, as a warning to all Tiplers at their entrance, how they make a Noise to awake the Spirit, lest it move the Masters and Drawers to stand still when you call ’em; and refuse to draw you any more Wine, for fear the inward Man should break out into open disorder.

In the Entry we met two or three blushing Saints, who had been holding forth so long over the Glass, that had it not been for their flapping Umbrella’s, Pu­ritanical Coats, and diminutive Cravats, shap’d like the Rose of a Parsons Hat-band, I should have taken them by their Scarlet Faces, to be good Christians. They pass’d by us as upright and as stiff, as so many Figures in a Raree-show; as if a touch of the Hat, had been committing of Sacriledge; or Ceremonious Nod, a rank Idolatry.

A Drunken-look’d Drawer, disguis’d in a Sober-Garb, like a Wolf in Sheeps Cloathing, or the Devil in a Fryars Habit, shew’d us into the Kitchen, where we told him we were desirous of being, as Crickets covet Ovens, for the sake of their warmth: Several of Father Ramseys slouching Disciples sat hovering over their Half-pints, like so many Coy Gossips over their Quarterns of Brandy, as if they were afraid any body should see ’em; they cast as many froward looks upon us Swords-men, as so many Misers would be apt to do upon a

couple of spunging Acquaintance; as if they took us for some of the wild Irish, that should have Cut their Throats in the beginning of the Revolution.

However we bid our selves Welcome into their Company; and were forc’d, for want of Room, the Kitchen being well fill’d, to mix higgle-de piggle-de, as the Rooks among the Crows upon the Battlements of a Church-Steeple: They Leering at us under their Bongrace with as much contempt as so many Primitive Christians at a couple of Pagans.

We, like true Protestants Topers, scorning the Hypocrisie of Tipling by half Pints, as if we drank ra­ther to wash away our Sins than our Sorrows, appear’d bare-fac’d, call’d for a Quart at once, and soon disco­ver’d our Religion by our Drinking; whilst they, like true Puritans, gifted with abundance of holy Cheats, will never be Catch’d over more than half a Pint, tho’ they’ll drink Twenty at a Sitting.

The Wine prov’d extraordinary, which indeed was no more than we expected, when we found our selves surrounded with so many Spiritual Mum-chances, whose Religious Looks shew them to be true Lovers of what the Righteous are too apt to esteem as the chiefest Blessing of Providence.

We had not sat long, observing the Humours of the drowthy Saints about us, but several amongst them be­gan to look as chearful, as if they had drown’d the terrible apprehensions of Futurity, and thought no more of Damnation, than a Whore of a Twelve­months standing.

The Drawer now was constantly imploy’d in re­plenishing their Scanty Measures; for once warm’d they began to drink so fast, ’twas the Business of one Servant to keep them doing. Notwithstanding their great aversion to external Ceremony, one pluck’d off his Hat, and ask’d his next Neighbour, What do’st think Friend, this cost me? But before thou tellest me, let me

Drink; and I hope thou understand’st my meaning. This I suppose was the Canting Method of paying more than ordinary Veneration to some peculiar thoughts; which, by this Stratagem, was render’d Intelligible to each other: For I took Notice this Allegorical method of drinking some obliging Health was observ’d thro’ the whole Society, with reverence of uncover’d Heads, under a crafty pretence of examining into the price of each others Hats; and when they were desirous to E­levate their Lethargick Spirits with the circulation of a Bumper, one fills it, and offers the prevailing Temp­tation to his left Hand Companion, in these words, saying, Friend, does the Spirit move thee to receive the good Creature thus plentifully? The other replies, Yea, do thou take and enjoy the fruits of thy own Labour, and by the help of Grace I will drink another as full. Thus did the liquorish Saints quaff it about as merrily, after their precise Canting manner, as so many Countrey Parsons over a Tub of Ale, when freed from the re­marks of their censorious Parishoners; till, like repro­bate Sinners, who have not the fear of Providence before their Eyes, they were deluded by Satan into a Wicked State of Drunkenness.

By this time the subtile Spirits of the Noble Juice had given us a fresh motion to the Wheels of Life, and Corroborated those springs which impart Vigour and Activity to the whole Engine of Mortality; and my Friend must needs be so froliksome to Tune his Pipes, and entertain us with a Song; in order to try whether those who were deaf to Reason and good Manners, had any Ears towards Musick with their Wine, which are usually held to be such inseparable Companions, that the true Relish of the one, can ne­ver be Enjoy’d without the Assistance of the other: And because the words happen’d in some measure applicable to that present Juncture, I have thought it not amiss to insert ’em.

SONG.

Just as my Friend had ended his Sonnet, in came the little Lord of the Tippling Tenement, about the height of a Nine-pin, with his Head in a Hat of such Capacious Dimensions, that his Body was as much drown’d under the disproportion’d Brims of this un­conscionable Castor, as a Pigmy under the Umbrage of a Giants Bongrace, or a Mouse crept into a Close-stool-pan. He was button’d into a plain Vestment that touch’d no part of his Body but his Shoulders; his Coat being so large, and his Carcase so little, that it hung about him like a Maulkin upon a cross-stick in a Country Peas-field: His Arms hung dangling like a Mobs Taffy mounted upon a Red-herring on St. David’s-day, and his Legs so slender, they bid defiance to any Parish Stocks.

He waited a little while the motion of the Spirit;

and when he had compos’d his Countenance, and put himself into a fit posture for Reproof, he breaks into this following Oration, Pray, Friend, forbear this Prophane hollowing and hooting in my House, the wicked Noise thou makest among my Sober Friends, is neither Pleasing to them nor me; and since I find the Wine is too powerful for thy Inward-man, I must needs tell thee, I will draw thee no more of it. I therefore desire thee to Pay for what thou hast had, and depart my House, for I do not like thy ways, nor does any Body here approve of thy Ranting doings.

We were not much surpris’d at this piece of Fana­tical Civility, it being no more than we expected; but the manner of his Delivery, render’d his words so very diverting, that we could not forbear laughing him into so great a Passion, that the looks of the lit­tle Saint, discover’d as great a Devil in his Heart, as a Pious Disciple of his bigness could be well possess’d with: Then according to his Request, we paid our Reckoning, and left him in a Condition of Vinegar and Crabs Eyes, upon a great ferment.

From thence (pursuant to my Friends inclinations) we adjourn’d to the Sign of the Angel in Fenchurch-street, where the Vintner, like a double-dealing Citi­zen, condescended as well to draw Carmans Comfort, as the Consolatory Juice which Nature has bestow’d on more deserving Mortals. There my Friend had the good Fortune to meet some of his Acquain­tance, with whom we Joyn’d, and made up, together, as pretty a Tippling-Society as ever were drawn in­to a Circumference, from the Noble Center of a Punch-Bowl; tho’ [our] Liquor was the Blood of the Grape, in which we found that delectable Sweetness, that so many thirsty Pigs round a Trough-ful of Ale-grounds, could not have exprest more satisfaction in their Grunts, than we did in our merry Songs and Catches.

Time now taking the Advantage of our carelessness,

prun’d his Wings, and fled with such Celerity, that he had brought the Noon of Night upon our Backs before our Thoughts had measur’d out a sufficiency of the Noble Creature to our craving Appetites; and as we were contending with the drousie Master for the other Quart, who should come in and put an end to our Controversie but a Tall, Meagre Carrionly Cony-fumble, and with him his Crazy Crew of Corni­gerous Halberteers, who look’d, together, like Judas and his Accomplices, or a parcel of Tom-T—d-Men with their long Poles coming to Gauge a Vault? When he had given us a fair Sight of his Painted Authority, which he stamp’d down upon the boards before him, with as much threatning Violence, as a Jack-Adams in a Musick-House, at the end of every strain, when dancing with a Quarter-staff; then, with as much Pride as a Loobily Mayor of a Country Cor­poration, he open’d his Mouth, like Balaam’s Ass, and thus Spake; Look you, d’ye see me, Gentlemen? ’Tis an unseasonable time of Night for People to be Tippling; every honest Man ought to have been in his Bed an hour or two ago. That’s true, said I, for no body ought to be up so late, but Constables and their Watches; at which some of the Company titter’d; which gave great of­fence to the Cholerick Conservator, who commanded us instantly to be gone, or he would commit us to the Counter. A Wine-Cooper in the Company, being well acquainted with this shred of Authority, us’d importu­nate Solicitations for the Liberty of drinking another Quart, saying, Pray, Mr. Constable, don’t be thus severe with us; ’twas but last Night you and I were drinking at a later hour together, I therefore hope you won’t deny us the Priviledge your self has so lately taken. This bitter Reflection, tost into the very Mouth of a Magistrate, had such an unsavory relish, that he could not swallow it; but commanded his Black-guard to take us to the Poultry-Counter; who presently fell on, like so many Foot-Pads, first

secur’d our Weapons, and then led us along by the Elbows, in Triumph to the Rats-Castle, where we were forc’d to do Pennance till the next Morning, in Obedience to the Will of a Cucumber-Cormorant, a Taylor good Lord! At whom I had flung a Remnant of hard words, which made the Cross-leg’d Nit­cracker more particularly my Enemy.

After we had pass’d thro’ a spacious Porch, where Knaves in a forenoon may be seen in Clusters as thick as Pick-Pockets round Tyburn at an Execution, or Beggars at a Hall Gate upon a Festival day, we came to a frightful Grate, more terrible than the Scene of Hell in Circe, where, after three knocks of Authority were given at the Gate, a single-headed Cerberus, in fur Cap, let fall a Chain, from the Back of a Barricado, that made a more terrible ratling in our Ears, than the Tongue of a Scold, or a Clap of Thunder: Then with a Key much bigger than St. Peters, in which there was enough Iron to have made a Porridge-Pot, and consisted of more Wards than are Parishes in the City, he open’d the Wicket of the Poor-Mans Purgatory, into which they thrust us, one upon the back of ano­ther, like so many Swine into an Hog-stie. The Turn-Key was so civil to offer us Beds, but upon such un­conscionable terms, that a Salt Sinner might have hired a Feather’d Conveniency in a Bawdy-House, with a Downy Bed-fellow into the bargain, for less Money than they exacted for the Sheets; so, like good Husbands, we thank’d him for his Love, but refus’d his Courtesie.

After we have taken two or three turns in a Pav’d-yard, viewing the Strength and Loftiness of our Garison by Star-light, we began to reflect upon the Mischance we had fallen under; and look’d as simple as so many Knight Errants forc’d into an Enchanted Castle. As we were thus ruminating upon our present Circum­stances, we heard the Laughing of many Voices mix-mixed

ed with the confus’d wranglings of a different Society: We ask’d the under Turn-Key the meaning of this promiscuous Noise; who told us, the Prisoners on the Common-side were driving away Sorrow; and making themselves merry with some of their Pastimes: Upon which we made it our choice to be of their So­ciety, and desir’d admittance (accordingly) amongst ’em as a means to pass away the tediousness of the Night with some diversion; and also that we might Judge the better of Confinement, and the hardships of a Prison.

When we first enter’d this Apartment, under the Title of the Kings-Ward, the mixtures of Scents that arose from Mundungus-Tobacco, foul Sweaty Toes, Dirty Shirts, the Sh—t-Tub, stinking Breaths, and uncleanly Carcasses, Poison’d our Nostrils far worse than a Southwark Ditch, a Tanners Yard, or a Tallow-chandlers Melting-Room. The Ill-looking Vermin, with long Rusty Beards swaddled up in Rags, and their heads some cover’d with Thrum Caps, and o­thers thrust into the tops of old Stockings; some quit­ted their Play they were before engag’d in, and came hovering round us, like so many Canibals, with such devouring Countenances, as if a Man had been but a Morsel with ’em, all crying out Garnish, Garnish, as a Rabble in an Insurrection, crying Liberty, Liberty. We were forc’d to submit to their Doctrine of Non-resi­stance, and comply with their demands, which exten­ded to the Sum of Two Shillings each. Having thus Paid our Initiation Fees, we were bid Welcome into the Kings-Ward, and to all the Priviledges and Im­munities thereof. This Ceremony being ended, the Lowsie Assembly of Tatterdemallions, with their fin­gers in their Necks, return’d to their Sports, and were as merry as so many Beggars in a Barn; some of them form’d a high Court of Justice, by whom a

Criminal was to be Try’d for Cracking his Lice be­tween his Teeth, and Spitting out the Bloody Skins a­bout the Ward, to the great Nusance of the good Subjects of England under Confinement in the Poultry: The Culprit mov’d the Court to allow him Counsel, which was granted; and there happening to be a­mongst them a Fat Yorkshire Attorney who was com­mitted for foul Practice, and extorting undue Fees, the Offender at the Bar chose him as his Advocate, who indeed was very industrious in the defence of his Client, till a couple of unlucky Rogues, who were privately appointed to manage the Design, came on a sudden, charg’d with their hands-full of Sir-reverence out of the excreting Tub, mix’d up with Soot and Tallow, and as the poor Pleader was gaping to the Court, with abundance of intention, they slap’d it in­to his Mouth, as Poulterers do Paste when they cram Capons; and what, by the strength of his Jaws he bit off with his Teeth, and would not suffer to be inter­nally apply’d, they anointed his Face with, till they made him stink like a Tom-T—d-Man, and look as Beautiful as a Chimney-Sweeper.

This put the Court, as well as the other Spectators, into an excessive laughter, to see the poor Lawyer Spit, Splutter, Spew, and run about Swearing and Cursing, Raving, and Crying, like a Bedlamite, that had broke his Chains, they having hid the Bucket of water, that he had nothing either to gargle his Mouth, or recover his Face to its Natural Complection: Every Body was glad to escape his fury, by keeping at a distance; none came within reach of his Arms, or the scent of his Breath, which you may be sure stunk as bad as a House of Office, till at last he seizes a Young Fellow, who had no hand in the matter; and blow’d upon him like a Bear upon a Dog, till he had almost poi­son’d him; and so besmeer’d him with Kisses, that they look’d as like one another in the Face as the two

Images of St. Dunstan’s Dial. In revenge of which, the Young Sufferer retir’d to the Stink-Tub, as a good fortress well stor’d with Ammunition, there fish’d for Pellats, which he cast so thick upon his Adversary, that he made him look and stink like a Bogg’d Bay­liff; and now and then a Random-Shot hit a stander-by, which had like to have begot him more Enemies: What the Lawyer could gather from the Ground, and pick off his Garment, he most Manfully return’d; and fighting Cunning, being much upon the Dodg, an un­lucky Bullet flew over his Shoulder, and shot a bro­ken Perfumer just in the Face, whose Nostrils being us’d to Odoriferous Scents, were the more Offended at the unsavory misfortune, which came with such angry force, from a provok’d Enemy, that the major part of his Face was eclips’d by the Stinking Messen­ger of War.

Both sides maintain’d the Battle with great bravery, till their Ammunition was quite spent, which forc’d them to end their Quarrel in a few hard Words. But notwithstanding they gave equal Testimonials of their undaunted Courage, yet I must needs tell you, they came off, saving your Presence, in a very Shitten Condition.

When the foul mutiny was thus ended, which be­gan in a Sir-reverence, a general Search was made af­ter the Bucket of Water, in order to wash off their Impurities, with which, in the heat of Passion, they had wofully defil’d each other; after a sedulous en­quiry, they found the hidden Element, which by clean­ing their Hands and Faces, they soon Died of a Beast­ly Complection.

By this time most of the Pediculous Inhabitants of these uncomfortable Confines, being well tired with the Pastimes of the Night, were sitting Naked in their Cabins, over-hauling their Shirts, and pressing their Eight-leg’d Enemies to death between their Thumbnails,Thumb-

nails, wheresoe’er they found them; every now and then came a frightful Figure from aloft, clawing his own Flesh for Madness, he was so Lousie; turns his Buttocks o’er the edge of a Wooden conveniency, let fly, and away scowers up again: At last descends a Fellow in a Mourning Surpliss, and in his hand a Wooden Porridge-Dish, whose Hair stood as if Med­usa-like, it had been turned into Snakes; whither should he trot, but to the Pail of Water, where the Dunghill-scented Combatants had wash’d off their Mire, and quaffs off a couple of Bumpers very favourly; but as soon as it was done, he found it left an unpal­latable Relish behind it, which made poor drowthy Barnaby fall a Spitting and Cursing, the Plague D—n the Pump, it is grown so Rotten, and makes the Water taste so strong of the Tree, that we shall all be Poison’d: This unlucky Deception of the innocent mistaken Wretch, rais’d amongst my Friends and I, a great deal of Merriment; who, like the rest of Mankind, were under a natural Propensity to laugh at mischief. The Fellow had got Drunk in the Cellar, and went to Bed before the Prisoners began their Revels, and knew nothing of the Feud had been rais’d by the droppings of the Fundament, which occasion’d him to be thus deceiv’d.

Now the whole Family were grown as silent as so many Hogs when their Bellies are full, nothing being heard but Snoaring, except now and then a Crack from the stretching of a Louses Skin, or an in­grateful Sound from the untunable Drone of a filthy Bagpipe, which is never heard, but by the assistance of a stinking Breath: With this sort of Musick were our Ears entertain’d all Night; and that my Eyes might be oblig’d with answerable satisfaction, I thought it now the only time to look about me, where I observ’d Men lay pil’d in Cabbins one upon another, like Coffins in a Burying Vault, possessing

only the same allowance above Ground, as the Dead do under, their Breadth and Length, that’s all. O­ther poor Curs, that wanted the conveniency of Ken­nels (being supernumerary to the Sleeping Huts) were lain some upon Benches, as if they had been bred up Courtiers Footmen: Other coil’d underneath, like Dogs, and slept as sound as Low Country Soldiers; Some lay round the Fire, almost cover’d with Ashes, like Potatoes Roasting, with their Noses in Conjun­ction with one anothers A—s, like Hogs upon a Dunghill: These I suppose were tender Mortals bred up at the Forge, and as great Enemies to Cold Wea­ther, as the Mad fellow that walks about the Town Naked. Another was crept into a corner, and had whelm’d over his Head the Ashes Tub, and so made a Night-Cap of an Ale-firkin, to defend his head from the Coldness of the Weather.

With these sort of Observations we past away the dull hours of Confinement till the Morning; and were all as glad to see day-light again, as a Man would be to see the Sun, that had tumbled by accident into a neglected Cole-Pit: Our Fellow Sufferers began now to awake, stretch and yawn, and hawk up their Soot-colour’d Flegm, congeal’d in their Filthy Stomachs, with unwholesome Belch, and nasty Oroonoko.Oroonoko: tobacco, commonly from the plantations of Virginia. Every one stinking as he rows’d from his warm Den, like a Fox newly unkenneld. Now, I must confess, I was forc’d to hold my Nose to the Grate, and Snuff hard for a little fresh Air; for I was e’en choak’d with the un­wholesome Fumes, that arose from their uncleanly Carcasses: Were the Burning of Old Shoes, Draymens Stockings, the Dipping of Card-matches, and a full Close-stool pan, been prepared in one Room, as a Nosegay to torment my Nostrils, it could not have prov’d a more effectual Punishment.

At last I heard the Keys begin to Rattle, which, tho’ they were indifferent Musick over Night, they

were very pleasing to my Ears in the Morning. The Turn-Key now, according to my wishes, let us into the Yard, where we drew a little new Breath, and belch’d into the World those Pestilential Seeds which were drawn into out Bodies, from the three fatal Si­sters, Filth, Poverty, and Laziness.

We now thought it necessary to fortifie our Sto­machs with a Mornings Draught, and accordingly descended into the Cellar, for the same purpose; where every Captive that had either Money or Credit, was for posting with all speed.

Now we were happily come into the Conversation of the Ladies, who (poor Creatures) in tatter’d Gar­ments, and without Head-cloaths, look’d as if they were just deliver’d from the rude hands of an unmer­ciful Rabble. One among the rest, who had some­thing more than ordinary in her Person, to recom­mend her to our Notice, I drank to, and beg’d the favour of her company, which without much impor­tunity she granted; and after a little talk, I took the freedom to ask her what she was in for: She hesitated a little, at last told me, she was at the Suit of a Tally Man in Hounds-ditch, for things to the value of four Pounds; and that he offer’d to Kiss it out, but she would not let him; for which reason he Arrested her, and had run her up to an Execution. But, I sup­pose Madam (said I) you have heartily repented since, that you refus’d the offer. No, Sir, she reply’d, ra­ther than I would gratifie the desires of such unmerciful Rogues as either Tally-man, Pawn-Broker, or Bayliff, I would Prostitute my self to the honest Porters in the Town: For I’d have you know, Sir, I scorn to defile my Body with such Vermin, such inhuman Knaves, that can’t be con­tent to cheat People out of their Money, but must Cozen them out of their Liberty too. Here are but Thirteen poor Wretches of us on the Common-side, and Twelve of ’em were brought in upon the Tally Account; and if Providence shew us no

more Mercy than our Creditors, here they may keep us as examples of their Cruelty, to frighten others in their Books to turn either Whore or Thief, to get Money to be Punctual in their Payments, which many have been forc’d to do, to my certain Knowledge, to satisfie the hungry de­mands of those Unconscionable Usurers.

I was mightily pleas’d with the Womans Talk, because I thought it reasonable to believe there was abundance of Truth in’t. For People that are poor to pay such unreasonable extortion as Cent per Cent, it’s a Scandal to the Laws, an Enemy to the Publick Good, a great oppression of the Poor, a shame to Christianity; and all to gratifie the Miserly Lusts of Insatiate Consciences.

I rose up and peep’d a little, to survey this Subte­ranean Boozing Ken; and found it divided by as ma­ny Partitions as the Temple House of Office, tho’ I confess it smelt not quite so sweet: The Walls were Varnish’d with the slime of Snails; and had nothing to cover their Nakedness in the coldest of Weather, but a Tiffany Cobweb wherein hung Spiders as big as Humble-Bees that had not been molested with a Broom since they were enliven’d. The Tables and Benches were of Sturdy Oak, handed down thro’ many Ages to Posterity, and look’d of that venera­ble Antiquity, as if they had been faithful Servants to some great Man in the first Year of Jubilee. Like undutiful Children, we trod and Spit upon the bare Skin of our first Parent, Earth; for ’twas floor’d like a Barn, tho’ it stunk like a Stable; for every Body Piss’d as they sat, without the use of a Chamber-Pot.

By this time came down the Constable who com­mitted us, with a Countenance as white as the Head of a Rumford-Calf; and both his Sleeves arm’d with Spanish Needles of all sorts and sizes, with here and there a Remnant of Blasting-Thread and Stitching-Silk, hanging upon his Coat and Stockins. His Shoes,

behind in the Quarters, being polish’d with the Sweat of his Heels, of a Jet-colour, to show his Profession requires him to be often Slip-shod. By Virtue of his painted Rowling-pin, he remov’d us from the Plagues of Scotland, and carry’d us before our Betters, Sir Milk and Maycril, to answer what Mr. Stablecunt, could alledge against us. When his Worship had set his Band to rights, and Dress’d his Countenance with a­bundance of Gravity, he betakes himself to his Elbow-chair, plac’d within a Bar, to keep unmannerly trans­gressors at their due distance, and also to secure his Corns from the careless Affronts of whispering Con­stables, who are commonly proud to be seen standing between Justice and the People. Our business was soon dispatch’d; ’twas a case so familiar to his Wor­ship, that he had it at his Fingers ends, without con­sulting of Keeble: For all the charge delivered against us was Tipling at an unseasonable hour, and refusing to go home according to the command of Authority. But Mr. Buckram being highly displeas’d at some ag­gravating Words I had given him over Night, told his Wisdom I threaten’d him; and said I would make him pay five Pound an hour for Detaining of me. How! Says Sir Serious, Pray what are you, that you value your Time at so precious a Rate? Or that dare speak such affrightning words to the Face of the Kings Representative? I reply’d, An’t please your Worship, I am a Gauger, and was out last Night about the Kings Business as well as Mr. Constable; and the King, for ought I know, has sustain’d two or three Hundred Pounds damage by my being detain’d from my Duty for which I look upon it Mr. Constable, must be answer­able; for I assure him, I will give a report of the matter to the Commissioners.

This put his Gravity to his hem’s and ha’s. I must confess, Mr. Constable, (said he) You did not do well to commit one of His Majesties Officers; it was very unadvisedlyunad-

visedly done of you. Well, Gentlemen, paying your Fees, you may go about your Business, I have nothing further to say to you.

Had it not been for the assistance of a few Brains and a little Confidence, I had been bound over to the Sessions: But, I Bless my Stars, a lucky Providence prevented the misfortune; and restor’d us to our former Liberty. Being now glad we had shak’d off the Yoke of Confinement at so easie a Rate, without paying for either Drunkenness, Swearing, or the like, which are as commonly accumulated upon Trans­gressors under our Circumstances, as is to find Can­vas, Stay-Tape, and Buckram, in a Taylors Bill. As we had been Fellow-Sufferers together, there was no parting without a Glass; so we went to the Rose Ta­vern in the Poultry, where Wine, according to its Me­rit had justly gain’d a Reputation; and there in a Snug Room, warm’d with Brush and Faggot, over a Quart of Good Claret, we laugh’d at our Nights Ad­venture, and curs’d the Constable. And that all others who fall into his clutches, may do like, I have given them the same Words to their Assistance.

After we had drank a refreshing Glass, my Friend and I took Leave of our Companions; and concluded to take a turn in Guild-hall, which he told me was a fine Place; and my Lord Mayors chosen Dining-room, upon his Day of Triumph. As I came out of the Tavern, Bumpkin-like, I could no more forbear staring at Bow-Steeple, than an Astrologer could look­ing at a Blazing-Star, or a Young Debauchee at a fine Woman: But I wonder’d the Projector of such a No­ble Pyramid, should form so mean a Model for the Church; which compar’d together, are just the re­verse of St. Andrews Holbourn, the one being like a Woman with a Beautiful Face joyn’d to a Deform’d Body, and the other, like an old Pigmy’s Head upon a young Giants Shoulders. But, Pray, said I, What is the meaning of that terrible Monster upon the Top, instead of a Fane, or Weather-Cock? Why, that (says my Friend) is a Brazon Dragon, exalted as an Emblem of the Church’s Persecution: The Dissenters once look’d Devilishly a Squint at it, but now they dread it no more, than More of More-hall did the Dragon of Wantley.

From thence we Jostled thro’ a parcel of busie Citi­zens, who blunder’d along with as much speed towards the Change, as Lawyers in Term time towards West­minster-Hall, till we turn’d down King-street, and came to the place intended; which I enter’d with as great Astonishment, to see the Giants, as the Morocco Am­bassador did London, when he saw the Snow fall: I ask’d my Friend the meaning or design of setting up those two Lubberly preposterous Figures; for I suppose they had some peculiar end in’t? Truly, says my Friend, I am wholly Ignorant of what they intended by ’em, unless they were to show the City what huge Loobies their Forefathers were, or else to fright stubborn Ap­prentices into Obedience; for the dread of appearing before two such Monstrous Loggerheads, will sooner reform their Manners, or mould ’em into a Compliance of their Master’s Will, then carrying ’em before my Lord Mayor, or the Chamberlain of London; for some of them are as much frighted at the Name of Gog and Magog, as little Children are at the terrible Sound of Raw-Head and Bloody-Bones.

Pray, said I, What are yon cluster of People doing, that seem all as busie as so many Fools at the Royal Oak-Lottery? Truly, said my Friend, you are some­thing mistaken in your comparison: if you had said Knaves, you had hit it, for that’s the S—s C—t; and I must needs give ’em that Character, That I never yet knew one Fool among them, tho’ they have to do with a great many. All those Tongue-Padders, who are Chattering within the Bar, are Picking the Pockets of those that stand without. You may know the Suf­ferers by their Pale Faces; the Passions of Hope, Fear, and Revenge, hath put them into such disorder, they are as easie to be distinguish’d in a Crowd by their Looks, as an Owl from a Hawk, or a Country Esquire from a Town Sharper.

He’s a very comely Gentlemen, said I, that sits upon the Bench; and puts on as pleasing a Countenance, as

if, like a God, he view’d, with Pleasure, the Jars and Discords of Contending Mortals, that Fret and Fume beneath him.

My Friend reply’d, He might well look merrily who sits the playing of so many great Games, and is sure always to be on the Winning-side. For you must know, says he, these Courts are like Publick Gaming-Tables, the Steward’s the Box-keeper, the Councel and Attorneys are the Sharpers, and the Clients the Fools that are bubbled out of their Money.

Pray what is that Crowd doing at the other end of the Hall? That, my Friend told me was a Court of Conscience, whose business it is to take care that a Deb­tor, of a Sum under forty Shillings, shall not pay Mo­ney faster than he can get it. ’Tis a very reasonable Establishment, without Jesting, for the prevention of poor Peoples ruin, who lie at the Mercy of a parcel of Rascally Tally-men, and such like Unconscionable Traders, who Build their own Well-fare upon the Mi­series and Wants of others. There are several other Courts held here, besides what we now see sitting, but this I think does the most good of any of ’em, except to the Lawyers; and they look upon it with as evil an Eye, as the Devil look’d over Lincoln.

Pray, said I, whose graceful Pictures are these, that are so great an Ornament to the Place? My Friend reply’d, They were the grave Sages of the Law. Sure, said I, he was no skillful Artist that Painted ’em. Do you see how black he has made some of the Palms of their Hands. Poh, Poh, crys my Friend, I find you are no Judge of Painting; why it must be so, that’s nothing but the Shadow: Don’t you see the Light strikes full upon the back of the hand, and consequent­ly the inside must appear Dark; that’s true (said I) I thank you for making me so much the Wiser: I must confess it is an Art I have no knowledge in. Pray whose Pictures are those at the upper-end? Those,

reply’d my Friend, are the King and the late Queen Mary; and those in black Gowns, with the Purse be­fore them, are such as have been Chancellors. Bless me! Said I, Painting is a fine Art: How stedfastly all those in black look upon the King? But, to my think­ing, all those who come after in Red, Squint with one Eye upon His Majesty, and the other wishfully on the Purse and Mace.

Away, away, says my Friend, that’s nothing but your foolish Fancy; I shall apply the old Proverb to you, As the Fool thinketh, the Bell clinketh. We have seen all we can see here at this time, I’ll go and show you St. Pauls, and by that time, I reckon, you’ll have got you a good Stomach to your Dinner.

According to my Friends Proposal, we steer’d our Course towards the famous Cathedral; and as we pass’d along Cheap-side, we met an Old Fellow with a Nose (bless my Eye-sight!) ’twas as long almost as a Rowling-Pin, and I am sure as big at the end as a Foot-ball, beset with Carbuncles and Rubies; no Princes Nose could have appear’d more Glorious; and look’d as fresh as the Gills of an Angry Turky-cock; and was so rare a Fence for his Mouth, that whoever Fights him, must first knock off the Gnomon of his Face, or he could never propose to do his Teeth any Damage. I wonder (said I) he should be so Foolish to walk the Streets in Publick: Certainly if he would keep Private, and only show himself in Bartholomew-Fair, amongst the Arabian Monsters, he might make his Nose worth two or three hundred Pounds a Year to him. Says my Friend, It’s nothing now, to what it is sometimes; you see it in the Wane: He’s forc’d to have it par’d every full Moon, it grows so fast. I see by its Redness it has been done lately; I’ll war­rant you he has had a Pound or two of Stakes cut off on’t within this Day or Two. I vow, said I, ’tis very strange; methinks my Nose begins to swell at the

very thoughts of him. Sure this is Tom Jolly, the Song was made on, is it not?

No, says my Friend, This is a good honest fellow, a Tally-man; and is a true a Toper of Claret; he will sit Twelve hours in a Tavern before he can fill his Nose, when he has replenish’d which, he Staggers home; and the Bottle-end being Spungy, he Squeezes it again into his Mouth and has the pleasure of Drink­ing on’ a second Time; and will live longer, they say, by sucking his Nose, than a Bear can by licking his Paws. Marry, said I, that may well be, for it you tell me the Truth, his Nasal Runlet affords much the bet­ter Liquor.

We had not gone much further, but we met with a fellow stark Naked from the Waste upward, arm’d with a lusty Cudgel; I concluded he must be either Fool or Madman, to expose his bare flesh to the sharp Pin­ches of so cold a Season; But however, I enquir’d of my Friend if he knew the meaning of his ridiculous Whimsie? Who reply’d, He had heard he was a Man of good Parts and Learning; and from thence did be­lieve he was a kind of self-will’d Philosopher, who had a mind to broach some new Principles, and make People believe he first left off his Cloaths to keep him warm, and ever since has refus’d to put ’em on for fear he should catch cold by wearing ’em. But I fancy he has made but few Proselytes; he has gone in this manner many Years, till his Skin is by the Weather as hard as the outward part of a Draymans Shooe: I met him the last Snowy Day we had, going into the Fields (instead of a mouthful) to take his Belly full of fresh Air; and esteems it much better walking then, than at Mid-Summer.

By this time we were come to Cheapside-Conduit, Pallisado’d in with Chimney-sweepers Brooms.The fourth edition in 1709 ends this sentence with “and Guarded with such an Infernal Crew of Soot-colour’d Funnel Scourers; that a Country Man seeing so many Black Attendance waiting at a Stone Hovel, took it to be one of Old Nicks Tenements, and ask’d a Shop-keeper why they would suffer the Devil to live in the Heart of the City?” These we pass’d, and enter’d into Pauls-Church-Yard; where our Eyes were surpris’d with such a Mountainous

heap of Stones, that I thought it must require the As­sistance of a whole Nation for an Age to remove ’em from the Quarry, and Pile ’em upon one another in such admirable Order, and to so Stupendious a height.

We turn’d to the Right, where Booksellers were as plenty as Pedlars at a Fair; and Parsons in their Shops as busily searching after the Venerable Conceits of our Worm-eaten Ancestors, as if they came thither for want of Brains, or a Library, to patch up a seasonable Discourse for the following Sunday.

Pray, says my Friend, take Notice of that Old Lanthorn-Jaw’d Peripatetick, so thoughtfully Peram­bulating in his Ware House of Roman Saints, Reli­gious Heathens, and Honest Sociable Moralists. He looks so like a Modern Politician, as if, thro’ the whole course of his Life, he had studied nothing but Machia­vel. In all seasons of the Year you may find him walk­ing in his Shop; and (like a Spanish Farrier, that shoes Horses in his Cloak) he is never to be seen without his Hanging Coat at all Times, and in all Business: For as the Satyr in the Fables, could with the same Breath, blow hot and cold; so is his Irish Mantle posses’d of the like qualities; for he wears it in the Winter to keep him warm, and in the Sum­mer as an Umbrella to skreen his wither’d Carcase from the scorching Sun-beames. Tho’ he has but a small Head, he has a great deal more Brains than a Goose; and never gave any Body an occasion to call him Fool that ever dealt with him. He’s so far a true bred Englishman as to be a great Enemy to the Interest of France, for he rails mightily against Taverns, and never Drinks Wine, but when he’s Treated. He’s a little too Cunning to be Honest, and too Miserly to be Generous; Loves nothing more than his Mo­ney, and hates nothing so much as to part with it: calls Generosity, Folly; Charity, Extravagance;

Over-reaching, Wisdom; Niggardliness, Discretion; and Unconscionable Extortion, but a lawful Interest. Since Winchester Quarts were first throwd out of Fashi­on, he never was known to Drink strong Drink but once, and then Treated by his Apprentice, who had found at the Door a piece of Money, and be­ing upon his Masters Ground, he claim’d the right; and after some little contest about the matter, they agreed to spend it.

It now being about Three a Clock, we conclu­ded to go into Pauls, an Account of which, I shall give in my next.

THE
London-Spy.
PART V.

IN our Loitering Perambulation round the outside of St. Pauls, we came to a Picture-sellers Shop, where as many Smutty Prints were staring the Church in the Face, as a Learned Debauchee ever found in Aretine’s Postures. I Observ’d there were more People gazing at these loose Fancies of some Leacherous Graver, than I could see reading of Ser­mons at the Stalls of all the Neighbouring Booksellers. Among the rest of the Spectators, an Old Citizen had mounted his Spectacles upon his Nose, and was busily

peeping at the Bawdy Representation of the Gentle­man and the Milk-Maid. Pray Father, said I, what do you find in that Immodest Picture worth such serious Notice? Why, I’ll tell you, Young Man, says he, I can­not without wonder behold in this Painting the Madness and Vanity of you young Fellows, with what Confidence you can take a Bear by the Tooth, without the Dread of the Danger. I rather believe, said I, you gratified some sensual Appetite, by giving Titillation to your Vitious Thoughts, from the Obscenity of the Action. To which he reply’d, Indeed Mr. Inquisitive, you are much mistaken; but if thy Head had been where his Hand is, I should have view’d it with much more Pleasure, To have thought in what a pretty Condition thy Nose had been; And away he shuffled, with Compassion towards his Corns, as stiff as a Yorkshire Bullock into Smith­field Market, very Merry at his Jest; and chattering to himself like a Magpy that has Bilk’d a Gunner.

We Walk’d a little further, and came amongst the Musick Shops, in one of which were so many Dancing-Masters Prentices, Fiddling and Piping of Bories and Minuets, That the Crow’d at the Door cou’d no more forbear Dancing into the Shop, than the Merry Stones of Thebes could refuse capering into the Walls, when Conjur’d from Confusion into Or­der, by the Power of Orpheus’s Harmony. Amongst ’em stood a little Red-Fac’d Blade, beating Time up­on his Counter, with as much Formality, as if a Bar­tholomew-Fair Consort, with the assistance of a Jack-Pud­ding, had been ridiculing a Italian Sonetta in the Bal­cony, to draw People into the Booth; and was as Pro­digally Pert in giving his Instructions to the rest, as a Young Pedagogue Tutoring a Disciple in the hear­ing of his Father. We added two to the Number of Fools; and stood a little, making our Ears do Pen­nance to please our Eyes, with the Conceited Motions

of their Heads and Hands, which mov’d too and fro with as much deliberate Stiffness, as the two Wood­en Horologists at St. Dunstan’s, when they strike the Quarters.

We left these Jingle-Brains to their Crotches, and proceeded to the West end of the Cathedral; where we past by abundance of Apples, Nuts, and Ginger-Bread, till we came to a Melancholly Multitude, drawn into a Circle, giving very serious Attention to a Blind Ballad-Singer, who was Mournfully setting forth the wonderful usefulness of a Godly Broad-side, proper to be stuck up in all Righteous and Sober Fa­milies, as a means to continue the Grace of God be­fore their Eyes; and secure even the little Lambs of the Flock, from the Temptations of Satan. After he had prepared the Ears of his Congregation, with a tedious Preamble, in Commendation of his Divine Poem; being mounted upon a Stone, above his Blew­Apron Auditory, he began with an Audible Voice, to Lirick it over, in a Psalm Tune, to the great Satisfa­ction of the Penitent Assembly; who Sigh’d and Sob’d, Shook their Heads, and Cry’d; shewing a greater Sorrow and Contrition for their Sins (which I believe indeed were great) than the Pious Assembly at Megs’s Dancing-School, when the Reverend Doctor holds forth upon Death and Judgment. At last he came to the Terrible Words of Hell and Damnation, which he Sang out with such an Emphasis, that he put the People a Trembling, as if they had all been troubled with a Tertian-Ague: Who liking not the harsh sound of such Inharmonical Bugbear-Words, began to sneak off, like a Libertine out of a Church, when the Par­son galls the old Sores of his Conscience, by pressing too hard upon his Vices. Many Charitable Christi­ans, bought his Religious Sonnets, because he made ’em himself; wond’ring how a Blind Man should see to Pen such marvellous good things; and rememberremem-

ber to Sing them by Heart, without the help of his Eye-Sight.

From thence we turn’d thro’ the West Gate of St. Paul’s Church-Yard; where we saw a parcel of Stone-Cutters and Sawyers, so very hard at work, that I Protest, notwithstanding the Vehemency of their La­bour, and the Temperateness of the Season, instead of using their Handkerchiefs to wipe the Sweat off their Faces, they were most of them blowing their Nailes. Bless me! Said I to my Friend, sure this Church stands in a Colder Climate than the rest of the Nation, or else those Fellows are of a strange Constitution, to seem ready to Freeze at such Warm Exercise. You must Consider, says my Friend, this is Work carry’d on at a National Charge; and ought not to he hasten’d on in a hurry; for the greatest Reputation it will gain when its Finish’d, will be, That it was so many Years in Building. From thence we mov’d up a Long Wooden Bridge, that led to the West-Porticum of the Church, where we intermix’d with such a Train of Promiscuous Rab­ble, That I fancy’d we look’d like the Beasts driving into the Ark, in order to Replenish a new Succeed­ing World.

The first part that I observ’d of this inabruptible Pile, were the Pillars that sustain’d the Covering of the Porch. I cannot but conceive, said I, that Legs of this Vast Strength and Magnitude, are much too big for the Weight of so small a Body it supports. In answer to which, my Friend repeats me this follow­ing Fable.

There was a Little Carpenter, and he hew’d him­self a Mighty strong Stool out of the whole Timber, to sit and Smoke a Pipe on at his Door: A Passenger coming by, seeing such a Disproportion between the Man and his Seat, took an occasion to ask him, Why he had made such a huge Clumsy Stool for such a Pigmy of a Man? He reply’d, He lik’d it himself, and car’dnot

not whether any Body else did or not: Adding, He intended it to serve the Childrens Children of his Grand Children: And besides the stronger it is, says he, if any Body finds fault, the better able it is to bear their Reflections.

From thence we enter’d the Body of the Church; the Spaciousness of which we could not discern for the Largeness of the Pillars. What think you now, says my Friend? Pray how do you like the Inside? I’ll tell you, said I, I must needs answer you as a Gen­tleman did another, who was a great Admirer of a very Gay Lady, and ask’d his Companion whether he did not think her a Woman of Extraordinary Beau­ty? Who answer’d, Truly he could not tell, she might be so for ought he knew; for he could see but very little of her Face for Patches. Poh, poh, says the other, You must not Quarrel at that, she designs them as Ornaments. To which his Friend reply’d, Since she has made them so Large, fewer might have serv’d her turn; or if she must wear so Many, she might have Cut ’em less; and so I think by the Pillars.

We went a little further, where we Observ’d Ten Men in a Corner, very busie about Two Mens work; taking as much care that every one should have his due proportion of the Labour, as so many Thieves, in making an Exact division of their Booty. The won­derful piece of difficulty, the whole Number had to perform, was to drag along a Stone of about three Hundred Weight, in a Carriage, in order to be hoisted upon the Moldings of the Cupula, but were so fear­ful of dispatching this Facile Undertaking with too much Expedition, that they were so long in hauling on’t half the length of the Church, than a couple of Lusty Porters in the same time, I am certain, would have carry’d it to Paddington, without Resting of their Burthen.

From thence we approach’d the Quire, on the North-side, the entrance of which, had been very much De-

fac’dDefac’d by the Late Fire; occasion’d by the Carelesness of a Plumber, who had been mending some defective Pipes of the Organs; which unhappy Accident has given the Dissenters so far an opportunity to reflect upon the use of Musick in our Churches, that they Scruple not to vent their Spleen, by saying, ’Twas a Judgment from Heav’n upon their Carvings, and their Fopperies, for displeasing the Ears of the Almighty with the Prophane Tootings of such abominable Cat-Calls: Tho’ some of the most Learned amongst ’em, and in particular Mr. Baxter, were of a different Opinion, as to the use of grave Musick in Holy Places; and so highly extoll’d and commended to all Christians the Usefulness of it, that in his Christian Directory, he ex­presses these Words, viz. As Spectacles are a Comfor­table Help to the Reading of the Divine Scriptures, so Mus­ick serves to Exhilerate the Soul in the Service of Al­mighty God. —

Afternoon Prayers being now ready to begin, we pass’d into the Quire, which was adorn’d with all those graceful Ornaments, that could any ways add a becoming Beauty to the Decency, Splendor, and Nobility of so Magnificent a Structure; which indeed consider’d abstractly from the whole, is so Elegant, Awful, and well-compos’d a Part, that nothing but the Glorified Presence of Omnipotence can be wor­thy of so much Art, Grandure, and Industry as shines there, to the Honour of God, and Fame of Humane Excellence.

When Prayers were over, which indeed was per­form’d with that Harmonious Reverence, and Exhi­lerating Order, sufficient to reclaim the Wickedness of Men, from following the Untunable Discord of Sin; and bring them over to the Enlivening Har­mony of Grace and Goodness; we then return’d into the Body of the Church, happily intermix’d with a

Crow’d of Good Christians, who had concluded, with us, their Afternoons Devotion.

We now took Notice of the vast distance of the Pillars, from whence they turn the Cupula, on which, they say, is a Spire to be erected three Hundred Foot in height, whose Towering Pinnacle will stand with such Stupendous Loftiness above Bow-Steeple Dragon, or the Monuments Flaming Urn, that it will appear to the Rest of the Holy Temples, like a Cedar of Lebanon among so many Shrubs, or a Goliah looking over the Sholders of so many Davids.

As we were thus gazing with great Satisfaction, at the Wondrous Effects of Humane Industry; raising our Thoughts by degrees, to the Marvelous Works of Omnipotence, from those of his Creatures, we Ob­serv’d an Old Country Fellow leaning upon his Stick, and staring with great amazement up towards Hea­ven, thro’ the Circle from whence the Arch is to be turn’d: Seeing him fix’d in such a ruminating Po­sture, I was desirous of knowing his Serious Thoughts, in order to discover which, I ask’d him his Opinion of this Noble Building; and how he lik’d the Church? Church! reply’d he, ’tis no more like a Church than I am. Ads-heart! Its more by half like a Goose Pye I have seen at my Landlords; and this Embroider’d hole in the middle of the Top, is like the Place in the upper Crust, where they put in the Butter. I could not forbear laughing at the odness of Slouch’s Notion; and hoping to hear some­thing further from him that might give us a little Di­version, we continued his Company. Prithee, said I, honest Country-man, since thou do’st not believe it to be a Church, what place do’st thou take it to be? Why, says he, I’ll warrant you now thou think’st me to be such an Arrant Fool I can’t tell, but thou art mistaken; for my Vather was a Trooper to Oliver Cromwell, and I have heard him say many a time, he has set up his Horse here; and do you think the Lord will ever Dwell in a House made out of a Stable? That was done, said I, by a parcel of

Rebelious People, who had got the upper-hand of the Government; and car’d not what Murder, Sacriledge, Treason, and Mischief they Committed: But it was a Church before it was converted to that Heathenish use, and so it is now. Why then, says Roger, I think in good Truth the Cavaliers are as much too blame in making a Church of a Stable, as the Roundheads were, in making a Stable of a Church; and there’s a Rowland for your Oliver; and so good-by to you. Away he trudg’d, like the true Off-spring of Schismatical and Rebellious Ancestors; expressing in his looks no little Malice and Contempt towards the Magnificency of the Buil­ding, which they have been always ready to deface, when they have had any opportunity.

We now began to Stifle our Sober and more Ele­vated Thoughts and Contemplations; and form in our selves a sutable Temper, to a different Underta­king; which was to observe some Disconsolate Figures which were wandring about the Church, like Mice in an empty Barn, or Snails in a Vintners Cellar; as if their Melancholly thoughts had tempted them foolish­ly to look for what they were assur’d they should not find; some of them look’d as pale as if troubled with the Hypocondry, and fancy’d themselves to be walk­ing in some Subterranean Cavern, far remote from that Transitory World in which they had once been Sinners. These had their Eyes cast down, as if they had great regard to their Foot-steps, as if they were under some Melancholly Apprehension (if they took not great care) of slipping into that Bottomless-Pit, from whence there is no Redemption.

Others walking with their Arms Across, staring about with their Eyes, directed altogether upwards, as if they were so deeply fallen in Love with the Beauty of the Building that their Senses were Ravish’d with each Masterly stroke of the skilful Stone-Cutter. Amongst the rest, here and there a Lady, who look’d as Wild and Wanton, as if (tho’ she was admiring the

Church) she thought more on a Gallant, than she did on her Devotions; and would rather sing a Song, than say her Prayers; or see a Play, than hear a Ser­mon.

The next that we Remark’d, were a kind of a Cuckoldy Row of penurious Citizens, consisting in Number of about half a dozen; who, I suppose, had taken Sanctuary in the Church to talk Treason with safety, or because it was Cheaper walking there, then sitting in a Coffee-house: Their Heads, Tongues, Hands, and Eyes, were all eagerly in Motion, shewing they were extraordinary intent upon some wonderful Projection. At last I conjectur’d from words which I over-heard, they were some of the shallow-brain’d Cullies, who were drawn in by the Land-Bank, and were fumbling out a Method of licking themselves whole, by cheating of other People. These, I thought, like the Money-Changers, ought to have been whip’d out of the Temple.

There was nothing offer’d worth our further Ob­servation, except a parcel of Wenches fit for Hus­bands, playing at Hoop and Hide among the Pillars, who were full able enough, and, I suppose, willing, of an Evening to help the young Work-men home with their Tools, if they would venture to thrust them in­to their Custody. This revelling of Girls I thought was very Indecent; and ought to be carefully preven­ted, lest the New-Church be polluted far worse than the Old one; and instead of a Stable be defil’d with worse Beasts than Horses.

From thence we made our Egress on the South-side; and quitted the Consecrated bounds of this Holy Levi­athan; and cross’d a Dirty Kennel to take a view of a parcel of cleanly Beau Prentices, who were walking in their Masters Shops with their Periwigs just Comb’d out of Buckle, well drudg’d with the Barbers Powdering Puff, the extravagant use of which, made

them appear so Party-Colour’d, that their upper Parts look’d like Millers; and their Coats, from the Waste downwards, hanging in as many folds as a Watermans Doublet, to show they had more Cloth in the Skirts of one Tunica, than any of their Ancestors wore in a whole Suit. But thus much may be said in excuse of ’em, they may the better afford it, because they are Woollen-Drapers.Woollen Drapers: Strype (1720) writes that the side of St. Paul's Churchyard that is in Castle Baynard Ward (that is, the south side) "all lieth open to St. Pauls; and is a spacious Street, graced with good Houses, loftily built and uniform, well inhabited by Woolen Drapers; with a mixture of them that make and sell Cane Chairs and Couches, and some Cabinet and Looking Glass Sellers."

By this time we were come to an Arch, where we turn’d in, on the left hand of which many ScutcheonsScutcheons: a shield or emblem on which a coat of arms is depicted. were hung out, as if Funerals were more in Fashion at this End of the Town, than any part I had yet seen. Had I been skill’d in Heraldry, I might have Blazon’d the Vanity of a great many Noble Families, who are apt to Boast of their Coats of Arms, tho’ there are blots which denote Treason in one, Cowardice in ano­ther, Illegitimacy in a third, and Murder in a fourth, &c. Yet the Vulgar understanding them not, they are sometimes Reverenc’d for that Painted Distinction, which they ought to be Asham’d of. I ask’d my Friend the meaning of all these Gawdy Hieroglyphicks being hung out in so private a Thorough-fare. You are mistaken, says he, this is a Place of Great Business; for most Persons who Travel in Dead Mens Shooes are Necessitated to come this way, and ask leave of those who never knew one of their Family, whether they shall Enjoy that which no Body has any Right to but themselves: And that Shop where you see so ma­ny good Colours flung away upon Paper, like so much Gold upon Ginger-bread, belongs to a Herald Painter, who indeed (give him his due) is as honest a Man as ever guided Pencil; and has taken as much pains, at his own expence, to detect a Knave, and prevent the Publick’s being Cheated, as ever his Neighbour did to subdue a Stubborn Conscience, and make it pliable to his Own and the Nation’s Int’rest: This is his Office, who upon just grounds laid open the Funeral

Interloper, the Robber, instead of Preserver of the Dead; the Cozener of the Living, the Corrupter of Gentlemens Coachmen, the Invader of Tradesmens Properties, the Undervalluer of poor Mens Labour; the Fool of an Embalmer, and the Knave of an Un­dertaker.

Pray, said I, whose great House is that on the Right-hand, which, tho’ it looks so stately, it appears as plain as a Physicians Coach, or a Gouty States-mans Horse-Litter? Why that, reply’d my Friend, was a large Trap set by the Government to Catch the Po­pular Weazel,Po­pular Weazel: William Sherlock (1639/40–1707), controversial divine. He was a lecturer and St. Dunstan in the West, became master of the Temple in 1685, and was appointed a chaplain to James II in 1686. Following the revolution of 1688, he published A Letter to a Member of the Convention (1689), which proposed inviting James to return under certain conditions, and refused to take the oaths to William and Mary. He was thus considered to be a nonjuror—but the day after nonjurors were deprived of office in February 1690, he preached a sermon at St. Dunstan’s wherein he prayed for William and Mary as de facto sovereigns. He continued to oppose the oaths, however, and was deprived of his position at the Temple; by August he had had a change of heart, and took the oaths. He was restored as master of the Temple, within the year was installed as dean of St Paul’s. He justified his conduct in The Case of the Allegiance due to Sovereign Powers, a publication that led to attacks from all sides. Pamphlets reviled him for his fickleness and inconstancy, and suggested that he had been bullied into the reversal by his wife, Elizabeth. One street ballad, entitled "The Weasel Uncased," suggested: "His spouse, like Job’s wife, to ease his heart-aching, / Did press him to swear that he was mistaken, / Though some think it was for to save his bacon, / Which nobody can deny. In a poem entitled "The Weesils, a Satirical Fable, " a visitor demands that Sherlock "Declare as you would merit to be blessed, / Why you refused so long, why swore at last; / Was not a female serpent in the case? / Was’t not your wife?" and Sherlock confesses that "To say the truth it was. / Profit with argument my heart did win / Fixed my long wavering faith and drew me in; / Her flowing reasons mine in public brought..." so much talk’d of, who stood so long tottering in the beginning of the Revolution, between Hawk and Buzzard, but at last he snap’d at the Bait, and was taken; and from a Man of a Discontented Conscience, is become as well satisfied since, as if De Jure and De Facto had never been a point in Question. This is the Seat of him, to his everlasting praise be it spoken, who serv’d his Followers as Saul did the Gen­tiles, and became a Convert to the Faith in Fashion: There being this Difference to be consider’d, The one got a Better Name, and a Worse Living; the other a Better Living, but a Worse Name. He has been Baited Fifty times worse than ever the Tyger was; for every Scribbling Mungrel in the Town has had a fair snap at him, till at last they Uncas’d him, but all to little purpose; for his Case since is so well amended, that there are but three Dangers which he stands in fear of, viz. The coming of King J—s, the Scolding of his Wife, and a Consumption.

That place, says he, on the Left-hand, is a Spiritual Purgatory, to torment Fornicators and Adulterers: Where they bring many Sinners to Pennance, but very few to Repentance. And use to Excommunicate People out of the Church, for not Going thither.Spiritual Purgatory: probably refers to the Court of Arches, the highest court of several in the Doctors’ Commons, which dealt with ecclesiastical matters. Strype (1720) describes the civil and ecclesiastical causes for which the lawyers worked as "Blasphemy, apostacy from Christianity, heresy, schism, ordinations, institutions of clerks to benefices, celebration of Divine service, matrimony, divorces, bastardy, tythes, oblations, obventions, mortuaries, dilapidations, reparation of churches, probate of wills, administrations, simony, incests, fornications, adulteries, solicitation of chastity; pensions, procurations, commutation of penance, right of pews, and other such like, reducible to those matters." That methinks, said I, is like forcing a Man to For­bear such Victuals which he cannot endure to Eat, or

Debarring him of such Company, which he always ha­ted to keep. This Liberty of Conscience, says my Friend, has been a Devillish Thorn in their sides; for in the Joyful days of Church-Persecution, they us’d to have two or three Brace of Dissenters every Morning for Breakfast, but now the Office is dwindled into such a Vacancy of Business, that their Neighbouring Vintner despairs of ever being made an Alderman; for the White-Horse Ale-houseWhite-Horse Ale-house: possibly the White Horse Tavern and Inn in Friday Street.. has run away with most of his Customers.

Pray, said I, whither does that Passage lead, where those Country Fellows stand gaping and staring about? That, reply’d my Friend, is Doctors-Commons; and they are come to Town about the Probat of some last dying Will and Testament, Administration, Caveat, or some such Business. It’s a wonder none of the Spi­ritual Cormorants have seiz’d them yet, for they are generally as quick-sighted as Hawks, and love as dearly to Prey upon a Country Curmudgion, as a Hound does upon Horse-flesh. In that Court Live the Learned Readers of the Law Civil, who made such a terrible bustle with the Poor Word Abdication; but after all their Debates and Consultations, could not, with the assistance of their Magick, Conjure up any other Puzzling Crambo, so proper for their pur­pose; and at last did approve that the Word might stand instead of a better.

We adjourn’d from thence back into Paul’s Church-Yard, and turn’d Westward into a famous Street, wherein a Noble Postern was presented to our View, the stateliness of its Appearance made me Inquisitive with my Friend what they call’d this Edifice; to what purpose Built, and to what use Converted. Who told me it was call’d Ludgate, rais’d both as an Ornament and Security of the City. And thro’ a Charitable Com­passion to Unfortunate Citizens, it is made a Commo­dious Prison for Freemen; furnish’d with such Con-

Conveniencies,veniencies, and so plentifully supply’d with Provisions by the Gifts of Good People, and other certain Al­lowances, that many live better in it, than ever they did out on’t, and are so fallen in Love with their Confinement, that they would not change it for Li­berty.

After we had shot the Arch, we turn’d up a street, which my Companion told me was the Old-Baily. We walk’d on till we came to a great Pair of Gates; it being a remarkable Place, according to my usual Custom, I requested my Friend to give me some fur­ther knowledge of the matter, who Inform’d me it ’twas Justice-Hall, where a Dooms-Day Court was held once a Month, to Sentence such Canary-Birds to a Penitential Psalm, who will rather be choak’d by the Product of Hempseed, for living Roguishly, than exert their Power in Lawful Labour, to purchase their Bread Honestly. In this narrow part of the Street, into which we are now passing, many a such Wretch has taken his last Walk; for we are going towards that famous University, where, if a Man has a mind to Educate a hopeful Child in the Daring Sci­ence of Padding; the Light finger’d Subtlety of Shop-Lifting; the excellent use of Jack and Crow, for the silently drawing Bolts, and forcing Barricadoes; with the knack of Sweetning; or the most ingenious dex­terity of Picking Pockets, let him but enter him in this Colledge on the Common side, and Confine him close to his Study, but for three Months, and if he does not come out Qualified to take any Degree of Villan­y, he must be the most Honestest Dunce that ever had the Advantage of such Eminent Tutors.

From thence my Friend led me thro’ a Place call’d Gilt Spur-street, and brought me to a Spacious Level, which he told me was distinguish’d by the Name of Smithfield-Rounds, which entertain’d our Nostrils with such a Savoury Scent of Rostmeat,Rostmeat: i.e., roast meat. and surpriz’d my

Ears with the Jingling Noise of so many Jacks, that I star’d about me like a Country Bumpkin in Spittle­fields, amongst so many Throasters Mills; and seeing such a busie Number of Cooks at Work, I thought my self in the Kitchin to the Universe; and wonder­ed where the Gluttons could Live, who were to devour such vast Quantities of sundry sorts of Food, which run so merrily round before Large Fires, in every Greasie Mansion. We soon deliver’d our squea­mish Stomachs from the Surfeiting Fumes, that arose from their Rotten-Roasted Diet, which made the Street stink like a Hampshire Farmers Yard, when Singeing of a Bacon-Hog.

And from thence we proceeded to the Rails, where Country Carters stood Arm’d with their Long-Whips, to keep their Teams (upon Sale) in a due Decorum, who were drawn up into the most sightly order with their fore-feet Mounted on a Dung-hill, and their Heads dress’d up to as much Advantage as an Inns-of-Court Sempstress, or the Mistress of a Boarding-School: Some with their Manes Frizzled up, to make ’em appear high Wither’d, that they look’d as Fierce as one of Hungess’s Wild-Boars. Others with their Manes Plaited, as if they had been Ridden by the Night-Mare: And the Fellows that attended ’em made as uncouth Figures as the Monsters in the Tempest: Amongst these Cattel, here and there, was the Con­ductor of a Dung-Cart, in his Dirty Surplice, wrang­ling about the Price of a Beast, as a wary Purchaser; and that he might not be deceived in the Goodness of the Creature, he must see him stand three fair Pulls at a Post, to which the poor Jade is ty’d, that he may exert his Strength, and shew the Clown his Excellencies; for which he strokes him on the Head, or claps him on the Buttocks, to recompence his Labour.

We went a little further, and there we saw a par-

parcelcel of Ragged Rapscallions, mounted upon Scrubbed Tits, scowring about the Rounds, some Trotting, some Galloping, some Pacing, and others Stumbling; Blundering about in that Confusion, that I thought them, like so many Beggars on Horse-back, Riding to the Devil; or a Parcel of French Protestants upon Dover Road, scrambling Poste-Haste up to Pick-a-dilly.

Pray Friend, said I, what are those Eagle-Look’d Fellows, in their Narrow Brimm’d White-Beavers, Jockeys-coats, a Spur in one Heel, and Bended-Sticks in their Hands, that are so busily peeping into every Horses Mouth, and saunter about the Market like Wolves in a Wilderness, as if they were seeking whom they shou’d Devour? Those Blades, says my Friend, are a Subtle sort of Smithfield-Foxes, called Horse-Coursers, who Swear every Morning by the Bridle, they will never from any Man suffer a Kna­vish Trick, or ever do an Honest one. They are a sort of English Jews, that never deal with any Man but they Cheat him; and have a rare Faculty of Swea­ring a Man out of his Senses, Lying him out of his Reason, and Cozening him out of his Money; If they have a Horse to sell that is Stone Blind, they’ll call a Hundred Gods to Witness he can see as well as you can. If he be down-right Lame, they will use all the Asseverations that the Devil can assist ’em with, that its nothing but a Spring-Halt. If he be as Rot­ten as a Town Stallion, who has been Twenty times in the Powdering-Tub, they will warrant, upon their Souls Damnation, he’s as Sound as a Roach. And if he be Twenty Years old, they’ll Swear he comes but Seven next Grass, if they find the Buyer has not Judg­ment enough to discover the Contrary.

I perceive, said I, this is a Market for Black Cat­tel as well as Horses: Yes, reply’d my Friend, if we had come in the Morning, you would have seen the

Butchers as Busie in handling the Flanks and Arses of Oxen, as now the Jockeys are in Fumbling about the Jaws of Horses: But now the Market is almost over; yet you may see some Welsh Runts, and Scotch Carrion, which wait for the coming of Shore-Ditch Butchers, who Buy ’em up for the Spittle-fields Wea­vers, and the Poorer sort of Hugonots, who have taken possession of that part of the Town; and, like the Scots, have no great kindness for Fat Meat, because they never us’d to Eat any in their own Countrey.

Come, says my Friend, now we are here, we’ll take a turn quite Round, and then we shall escape nothing worth observing. In order to compleat our circular Walk, we mov’d on; but had as many stinking whiffs of Oroonoko Tobacco blown into our Nostrils, as would have cur’d an Afflicted Patient of the Tooth-Ach, or put a Nice Lady into a gentle Salivation.

By this time we were come to an Arch, about the middle of the Row, where a parcel of Long-leg’d Loobies were stuffing their Lean Carcases with Rice Milk and Furmity, till it run down at each corner of their Mouths back into their porringers, that each of them were a true Copy of Martin Barwel’s Feeding the Cat with Custard: We pass’d by these devouring Gang of Milk-sops, and came up to the corner of a narrow Lane, where Money for Old Books was writ upon some part or other of every Shop, as surely as Money for Live Hair, upon a Barbers Window. We took a short turn into it, and so came back, where we saw a couple of poor Schollars, with disconsolate Looks, and in Threadbare Black Coats, Selling their Authors at a penny a pound, which their Parents per­haps had purchased with the Sweat of their Brows. And a Parson almost in every Shop, searching the Shelves with as much Circumspection to find out a Book worth purchasing, as ever Cock us’d upon a Dunghill of Rubbish, when he’s scraping for an Oat worth pecking.

Being now pretty well tired with our Days Jour­ney, we concluded to Refresh our selves with one quart of Claret, before we walk’d any further; and being near the Sign of Honours Fountain, the Crown, the Representation of which Royal Diadem, I thought no Vintner would presume to distinguish his House by, unless he had Wine in his Cellar fit to bless the Lips of Princes; to Experience the Truth of which Notion, we step’d in, where the Jolly Master, like a true Kinsman of the Bacchanalian Family, met us in the Entry with a Manly Respect; and bid us welcome. We desir’d he would shew us up staires in­to a Room forward; accordingly in his own proper Person, like a Complaisant Gentleman Usher, he conducted us in­to a large stately Room; where, at first Entrance, I discern’d the Masterly Strokes of the fam’d Fuller’s Pencil, the whole Room being Painted with that commanding Hand, that his Dead Figures appear’d with such Lively Majesty, that they begot Reverence in us, the Spectators, towards the Awful Shadows; our Eyes were so Delighted with this Noble Enter­tainment, that every Glance gave new Life to our weary Senses.

We now beg’d him to oblige us with a Quart of his Richest Claret, such as was fit only to be drunk in the presence of such Heroes, into whose Company he had done us the Honour to introduce us. He accordingly gave directions to his Drawer, who return’d with a Quart of such inspiring Juice, that we thought our selves Translated into one of the Houses of the Hea­vens, and were there Drinking Immortal Nectar, amongst Gods and Goddesses. My Friend, like my self, was so wonderfully pleas’d at this Obliging Usage, that he was very Importunate with me to Scribble a few Lines in Commendation of our present State of Happiness, which to gratifie his desire, I perform’d; and presented to the Reader.

By this time we had Tippled off our Salubrious Juice; and Business denying us Leisure to Renovate our Lives with t’other Quart, we took our leaves, with a promise to recompence this respectful Usage, at a better Opportunity. We had not gone above Ten Strides from the Door, but we saw a Cluster of Tun-Belly’d Mortals, with Malignant Aspects, Arm’d with sturdy Oak of an unlawful Size; looking as sharp upon every Passenger, as if, Canibal like, they were just ready to devour ’em. I enquir’d of my Friend, what he took those Ill-favoured Crew to be, whose Bull-Dog Countenances, and Preposterous Bo-

Bodiesdies, bespoke ’em betwixt Men and Monsters? These Fellows, says my Companion, which you seem to be so much Amaz’d at, are nothing but Serjeants, who are waiting to give some-Body a Clap on their Shoul­der: This Corner is their Plying Place; and is as seldom to be found without a Rogue, as Grays-Inn-Walks without a Whore, or New-gate-Market with­out a Basket-Woman: We mov’d on from thence, till we came to the Corner of a Street,a Street: the friends venture into Long Lane, next to Cloth Fair—a market in St. Bartholomew's churchyard. from whence a parcel of Nimble-Tongu’d Sinners, leap’d out of their Shops, and swarm’d about me like so many Bees about a Honey-Suckle; some got me by the Hands, some by the Elbows, and others by the Shoulders; and made such a Noise in my Eyes, that I thought I had Commited some Egregious Trespass unawares, and they had seiz’d me as a Prisoner: I began to strug­gle hard for my Liberty; but as fast as I Loos’d my self from one, another took me in Custody. Wounds! said I, what’s the matter? What wrong have I done you? Why do you lay such violent Hands upon me? At last a Fellow with a Voice like a Speaking Trum­pet, came up close to my Ears, and sounded forth, Will you Buy any Cloaths? A Pox take you, said I, you are ready to Tear a Mans Cloaths off his Back, and then ask him whether he’ll buy any. Prithee let mine alone, and they will serve me yet this Six Months: But they still hustled me backwards and forwards, like a taken Pick-Pocket in a Crow’d, till at last I made a Loose, and scamper’d like a Rescu’d Prisoner, from a Gang of Bailiffs; my Friend standing all the while and laughing at me. Pray said I, what’s the meaning of these unmannerly Clip-Nits using Passen­gers with this shameful Incivility? Certainly ’tis greater Pennance for a Man to walk through this confounded Wardrobe, than ’tis run the Gauntlet. But what is the meaning they did not treat you after the same manner? You must

know, says he, they can distinguish a Country Man as well by his Looks, as you can a Parson by his Robes; being a parcel of unlucky Vermin, they teize a Stran­ger to the Town as much to make themselves Sport, as to promote the Sale of their Goods; and if they had got you up a little higher, they wou’d have hand­ed you quite thro’ the Lane; for its like a Gulph, when you’re a little way enter’d, the Current will car­ry you thro’. The Masters of those Shops will give you as much Wages for one of those Tongue-Padding Sweetners, who stand Sentinel at their Doors, as an Illiterate Mountebank will allow to a good Oratour, i.e. Fifty Shillings or Three Pounds a Week. They are like the Jack-all to the Lyon, they catch the Prey for the Master; and if once they but get you into their Shops, they as certainly cheat you before you get out again, as you go in with Money in your Pocket: For they will out-Wheedle a Gipsie, out-Swear a Com­mon Gamester, out-Lie an Affidavit-Man, and out-Cozen a Tally-Man. They will make up new Cloths, and sell them for Second hand, and get more Money by ’em, than the Toppingst Taylor in Town ever got by a Young Heir, when he made his Cloaths upon Credit. They are a pack of the sharpest Knaves about London; and are as great a Grievance to the Pu­blick, as the Royal-Oak Lottery. Since they have serv’d me so affrontively, and you have given me such a hopeful Character of ’em, I’ll lend them a few of my good Wishes, to Revenge my self of their Rudeness to me.

Having thus taken our Farewel of those Hempen-look’d Tormentors we strol’d along till we came into a cor­ner, where the Image of a Bear stood out upon a Sign Post, perk’d up on his Arse, with a great Faggot-Bat in his Claws, that he look’d like one of the City-Waits, playing upon the Double Curtell. Beneath the Effi­gies of his Ugliness, a parcel of Swine lay Couchant in the Dirt, attended with a Guard of lousie Raga­muffins, with one Hand in their Necks, and the other in their Codpieces, looking like some of the Devils Drovers, who had brought his Hogs to a fair Market; smelling as Frouzily together, as so many Flitches of Rusty Bacon, or Bruins Bed-Chamber in the Bear-Garden.

We Jogg’d on from thence, to relieve our Noses from their Sweaty Feet, and nasty Jackets that out-stunk a Dog-kennel, and cross’d over, Fetlock Deep

in Mud and Filthiness, to the Sheep-Pens: Where a par­cel of Dirty Mongrels did the Drudgery of their worse look’d Masters; and reduc’d each stragling In­nocent to his proper Order and Decorum. Butchers were here as Busie as Brokers upon Change; and were groping their Ware, with as much Caution, to know whether they are sound and wholesome, as a Prudent Sports-man would a New she-Acquaintance of a Loose Conversation. Money, in every House seem’d to be a plentiful Commodity; for every Russet-colour’d Clown was either Paying or Receiving, to the great uneasiness of such who pass’d by and wanted it. We walk’d on till we came to the end of a little stinking Lane, which my Friend told me was Chick-Lane; where Measly Pork, and Neck-Beef stood out in Wooden Platters, adorn’d with Carrots, and Garnish’d with the Leafs of Mary­golds: Where, Carriers and Drovers sat in Publick View, stuffing their Insatiate Appetites, with greasie Swines Flesh, till the Fat Drivel’d down from the Cor­ners of their Mouths, as Spittle from the Lips of a Changeling.

Having now seen all the Market could afford, we crost the Rounds, and went into a Lofty Cloister, which my Friend told me was Lame-Hospital: Where a par­cel of Wretches were hopping about, by the assistance of their Crutches, like so many Lincoln’s-Inn-Field Mumpers, drawing into a Body to attack the Coach of some Charitable Lord. Women were here almost as Troublesome as the Long-Lane Clickers, and were so importunate with us to have some dealings with them, that we had much ado to forbear handling their Commodities. I look’d about me, and could not forbear taking notice of two things, viz. The Prettiness of the Place, and the Homeliness of the Women. Sure, said I, the Noblemen never come hither to choose themselves Mistresses; for, I protest, I can scarce see one among them handsome enough to make a Wife for a Parson.

As many Names were pencil’d out upon the Walls, as if there had been the Genealogy of the twelve Tribes, or a publick Register of all the Topping Cuckolds in the City. I ask’d my Friend the meaning of this long Catalogue of Esquires and Worships, who told me, they were the Names of the Benefactors, Ostentati­ously set up, that every Passenger may see what a number of charitable Lord Mayors and Aldermen we have had in our Famous Metropolis: And indeed it was politically done of the Governors; for its a great Encouragement for others, who Glory in their Good Deeds, to do the like: Who, if it was not for seeing their Names in great Letters, to Vainly beget amongst Men an Opinion of their Piety, would no more dis­pose of a Groat to charitable Uses, than they would give a Portion to a Daughter who has pleas’d herself in the choice of her Husband, without the consent of her Father. You may imagine by the number of the Names, it is largely Endow’d, there being several other Branches belonging to the same Foundation, as Kingsland Hospital, and St. Thomas’s in Southwark. And Pray, said I, what are these Hospitals for? My Friend answered, for the receiving of Sick and Lame Soul­diers and Seamen, and other Poor Wretches, that can make Interest; and here they keep ’em upon Water-gruel and Milk-porridge, till they are either Dead or Well, and then they turn them either into this Wide World, or the next, about their Business.

We went from thence (thro’ a Narrow Entry, which led us by a parcel of Diminutive Shops, where some were buying Gloves, some smoking Tobacco, others drinking Brandy) into a Famous Piazza, where one was Selling of Toys, another Turning of Nut­crackers, a third, with a pair of Dividers, marking out such a parcel of Tringum-Trangums, to understand the Right Use of which, is enough to puzzle the Brains of an Esculapius. From hence we pass’d into

another Cloister, whose Rusty Walls and Obsolete Ornaments denoted great Antiquity; where abun­dance of little Children, in Blue-Jackets and Kite-Lanthorn’d Caps, were very busy at their several Re­creations. This, says my Friend, was Originally Founded by Edward the Sixth, for the Education of Poor Children; but has been largely improv’d since by ad­ditional Gifts; and is one of the Noblest Foundations in England. No Youth can have the Advantage of a better Education, and are afterwards provided for, ac­cording as they’re Qualified, being sent either to Sea, Trades, or the University. There is a ridiculous Sto­ry Reported, and Credited by many People, which is, That a Gentlewoman, possess’d of great Riches, when she came to Dye, gave her whole Estate to this Hospital, lea­ving behind her a Poor Sister, for whom she neglected to make any Provision, who having the Expectancy of the Estate after the others Decease, and finding herself unhap­pily disappointed, and Reflecting too deeply upon her Unfor­tunate Condition, and the unkindness of her Sister, broke her Heart; and upon her Death-Bed, Rashly Pronounced the Curse of some Distemper always to attend the Hospital, ever since which time it has not been freed from the Itch. But I look upon this Tale to be very Fabulous; for indeed it would be very wonderful that so many hun­dred Children, tho’ look’d after with all the cleanli­ness imaginable, should at any time be all free from those Distempers, to which they are chiefly Incident.

After we had taken a Turn round the Cloister, we made our Egress towards Newgate-Street, in order to pay a Visit to Physicians-Colledge, and some other Neigh­bouring places; an Account of which, for want of room, I shall defer till my Next.

THE
London-Spy.
PART VI.

WE now proceeded to survey Physicians Col­ledge which we found Illustrated with so loft and large a Porticum, that when we had entred it were no more in proportion to the spacious Lanthorn o’er our Heads, than a Cricket to a Bisket-Bakers Oven, or Tom Thumb to the Pudding-Bowl. Pray, said I, what is the Cause of that great Painted Tub that stands upon Wheels? It looks as if it was design’d as a Whimsical Cottage for some Maggot-Brain’d Diogenes: I hope there are no such fantastical Humourists among this Learned Society? No, no, reply’d my Friend, you are much beside the Cushion; that Engine is a kind of a Syringe, design’d to cure such Houses by Injection, that are under an Inflamation: From whence a Lear­ned Physician of those times, took up a new notion of

curing a Gonorrhea, till by the practice of his upstart Measures, he has Pox’d half the Town, to the great Satisfaction of his Fraternity, but so much to the Plague and Terror of his Patients, that it is believed fallen Noses will be as much in Fashion about Soho and Pick-a-dilly in a little time, as Scars amongst Prize-Fighters, or short Snouts among Ladies Lap-Dogs. Pray, said I, Explain your Allegory; I do not readily understand what you mean by your Syringe, &c. Why, if you must have it in plain Terms, says he, that which I term’d so, is a Device to cast Water into Houses that by accident have taken Fire; from whence, I sup­pose, the Doctor undertook to extinguish, after the like manner, all Venereal heats struck by Humane Stones and Steel into the Tinder-Box of Generation.

There are a Couple of fine Statues, plac’d opposite to each other, pray who do they Represent? The one, says my Friend, is the Kings, and the other that Worthy Charitable good Christian Sir John Cutler who, as a means, I suppose, the better to secure his own Health, and Long-Life, by the faithful assistance of this Anti-mortal Society, was in his Life time so great a Benefactor to this Learned Corporation; that when the Fire in Sixty six, had consum’d their Colledge in Amen-Corner, and the Ground being but a Lease, he lent them money to Purchase this Foundation, and to Build thereon this stately Edifice; which they, thro’ the mistaken hopes they had of his Generosity, receiv’d from him as a Gift, and to express their Gratitude for so Bountiful a Donation, have Publickly return’d him thanks, for what the Mudling Croesus never in­tended to perform, Dedicating several Books to him, wherein, like poor Poets, they express’d their unpa­rallell’d Veneration to so Liberal a Patron, till at last their flatteries had so prevail’d upon the frankness of his humour, that he thank’d them kindly for their thanks, and prais’d them highly for their praises; but

told them plainly, He fear’d there was a Misunder­standing between them, for that he had not given them a Groat, as he knew on, but only assisted them at an unhappy Juncture, with the Lent of some Money, to recover their ancient Grandure, then buried in Ashes, which he expected in a little time they would make a just Return of. This Disappointment so astonish’d the Gallenian Fraternity, that they look’d as Disconso­late one upon another as so many broken Gamsters at a Hazard-Table, hoping his Worship would take it into his further Consideration, and not give them so bitter a Pill to Purge out the grateful Relish of so sweet an Expectancy as they had been under. A little time after this Conference had pass’d between ’em, the pale-fac’d Master of the Ceremonies conducted the old Gen­tleman to the next World, in Mercy to his Surviving Relations, who have since demanded the Money of the Colledge, the dread of Refunding which hath put some of them into as Loose a condition, as if they had lately fed upon nothing but their own Phy­sick.

What Priviledges, said I, extraordinary are Grant­ed to them in their Charter, above what are held by other Physicians, who are not of their Society? Many, reply’d my Friend, and these in particular, viz. No Person, tho’ a Graduate in Physick of Oxford or Cambridge, and a Man of more Learning, Judgment and Experience than one half of their Members, shall have the Liberty of practicing in, or within seven Miles of London, without License under the Colledge Seal; Or in any other part of England, if they have not taken some Degree at one of the Universities; they have also power to administer an Oath, which they know by Experience is as practicable to be broke the next Day, as ’tis to be taken; they can likewise Fine and Imprison Offenders, in the Science of Physick, and all such who presume to Cure a Pati-

Patient ent when they have given ’em over, by more excel­lent Measures than ever were known by their Igno­rance; They have also the Priviledge of making By-Laws, for the Interest of themselves, and Injury of the Publick, and can purchase Lands in Right of the Cor­poration, if they could but find Money to pay for ’em; They have Authority to examine the Medicines in all Apothecaries Shops, to Judge of the wholesomeness and Goodness of many Drugs and Compositions they ne­ver yet understood; they are likewise exempt from troublesome offices, as Jury-Men, Constables, &c., Being no ways oblig’d to keep Watch or Ward, except with a Rich Patient, where they are assur’d to be well paid for their Labour; They have also the liberty to Kill as many as they please, provided they do it Secundum Artem, and no Law shall call them to an Account. They are freed from the bearing of Arms, or providing of Ammunition, except Pill, Bolus or Potion, or such as Destroy the Bodies of Sick Persons they know not how to Cure: Any Member of the Colledge may pra­ctice Chirurgery, if he will but take pains to under­stand it. They lately Committed a more able Physician than themselves without Bail or Main-prize, for Male Practice, in Curing a Woman of a dangerous Ulcer in her Bladder, by the use of Cantharides, which they af­firm not fit for Internal Application, tho’ the Patients Life was saved by taking on’t; which shews they hold it a greater Crime to Cure out of the common Method, than it is to Kill in it: And in prosecuting their An­tagonist for the contempt of Galien and Hippocrates, they charg’d him for the doing that Good, which themselves wanted either will or knowledge to perform, and made themselves all Fools in Attempting to prove the other a Knave, who procur’d his Dis­charge at the Kings-Bench Bar, without a Tryal, and now sues them for false Imprisonment; and has in­form’d against ’em in the Crown Office, as common Disturbers.

They rail mightily in their Writings against the Ignorance of Quacks and Mountebanks, yet, for the sake of Lucre, they License all the Cozening Pretenders about Town, or they could not Practice; which shews it is by their Toleration that the People are Cheated out of their Lives and Money; and yet they think themselves so Honest, as to be no wayes answerable for this Publick Injury; as if they could not Kill People fast enough themselves, but must depute all the Knaves in the Town to be Death’s Journey-men. Thus do they License what they ought carefully to Suppress; and Practice themselves what they Blame and Con­demn in others; And that the Town may not be de­ceiv’d by Apothecaries, they have made themselves Medicine-Mongers, under a pretence of serving the publick with more faithful preparations; in order to perswade the World to a belief of which, they have publish’d Bills, where, in the true Quacks Dialect, they tell you the Poor shall be supply’d for nothing; but whoever is so Needy as to make a Challenge of their Promise empty handed, will find, according to the Mountebanks saying, No Money, No Cure. The dis­posal of their Medicines they leave to a Boy’s Ma­nagement, who scarce knows Mercurius Dulcis from White-Sugar, or Mint Water from Aqua-Fortis: So that People are likely to be well serv’d, or Prescriptions truly observ’d, by such an Agent.

From thence my Friend conducted me to Bridewell, being Court day, to give me the Diversion of seeing the Letchery of some Town Ladies cool’d by a Cat of Nine tailes: But in our Passage thither meeting with some remarkable Accidents, I think it may contribute something to the Readers satisfaction to give a Rehearsal of them.

As we came down Ludgate-hill, a couple of Town Bullies (as I suppose by their Behaviour) met each other, Damn ye, Sir, says one, why did you not meet me Yester-

Yesterdayday Morning according to Appointment? Damn you, Sir, for a Cowardly Pimp, reply’d the other, I was there, and waited till I was Wet to the Skin, and you never came at me. You Lie like a Villain, says t’other, I was there, and stay’d the time of a Gentleman; and draw now, and give me Satisfaction like a Man of Honour, or I’ll Cut your Ears off. You see, says the Valiant Adversary, I have not my Fighting Sword on, and hope you are a Man of more Honour than to take the Advantage of a Gentleman. Then go Home and fetch it, says Don Furioso, like a Man of Justice, and meet me within an Hour in the Kings-Bench Walks in the Temple, or the next time I see you, by Jove’s Thunder-bolts, I will Pink as many Eylet-holes in your Skin, as you have Button-holes in your Coat; and therefore have a Care how you Trespass upon my Patience. Upon the Reputation of a Gentleman, I will Punctually meet you at your Time, and Place; reply’d the other, and so they Parted.

We mov’d on till we came to Fleet-Bridge, where Nuts, Ginger-bread, Oranges and Oysters, lay Pil’d up in Moveable Shops that run upon Wheeles, attend­ed by Ill-looking Fellows, some with but one Eye, and others without Noses. Over against these stood a parcel of Trugmoldie’s, in Straw-Hats and Flat-Caps, sel­ling Socks and Furmity, Night-Caps and Plumb-Pud­ding. Just as we pass’d by, a Feud was kindling between

two Rival Females, who from the Brimstone of Lust, had blown up such a Fire of Jealousie between ’em, that one call’d the other Adulterous Bitch and charg’d her with Lying with her Husband, and Robbing her of his Love: Then falling into Tears, express’d herself further in these Words, Have I lent you the Money out of my Pocket, the Gown off my back, and my Petticoat off my Arse, to be thus ungratefully rewarded? You know, Hussiff, I have given you the very Bread out of my Mouth; but before you shall take my Bedfellow from my Belly, you Whore, I’ll Tare your Eyes out; and then with Teeth and Nails, made a Violent assault upon her Rival, who Roar’d out for help, and crying out she was quick with Child, the Mobb hearing her plead her Belly, were moved to Compassion, and so parted ’em, their Coifs having receiv’d the greatest Dammage in the Fray.

Just as the squabble was ended, before the Rabble was dispersed, who should be stumbling along upon his Hide-bound Prancer, but one of the Horse-Moun­tebanks; who seeing so rare an opportunity to hold forth to a Congregation already assembled, Spurs up his Foundred Pegasus, and haults in to the middle of the Crowd, plucks out a Pacquet of Universal Hodg-Podg, and thus begins an Oration to the Listening Herd.

Gentlemen, you that have a Mind to be Mindful of preserving a Sound Mind in a Sound Body, that is, as the Learned Physician Doctor Honorificicabilitudinitatibusque has it, Manus Sanaque, in Cobile Sanaquorum, may here at the expence of six-pence, furnish himself with a parcel, which tho’ it is but small, yet containeth mighty things, of great Use, and Wonderful Operation in the Bodies of Mankind, against all Distempers, whether Homogeneal or Complicated; whether deriv’d, from your Parents, got by Infection, or proceeding from any ill Habit of your own Body.

In the first place, Gentlemen, I here present you with a little inconsiderable Pill to look at, you see not much big-

biggerger than a Corn of Pepper, yet in this Diminutive Pam­pharmica, so powerful in effect, and of such excellent Ver­tues, that if you have Twenty Distempers lurking in the Mass of Blood, it shall give you just Twenty Stools, and every time it operates it carries off a Distemper; but if your Blood’s Wholesome, and your Body Sound, it will work with you no more than the same quantity of Ginger-bread. I therefore call it, from its admirable Qualities, Pillula Tondobula, which signifies in the Greek, The Touch-stone of Nature: For by taking this Pill, you will truly discover what state of Health or Infirmity, your Constitution is then under.

In the next place, Gentlemen, I present you with an excellent outward application, call’d a Plaister; good a­gainst Green Wounds, Old Fistula’s and Ulcers, Pains and Aches, Contusions, Tumours, or Kings-Evil, Sprains, Fra­ctures, or Dislocations, or any Hurts whatsoever, receiv’d either by sword, Cane, or Gun-shot, Knife, Saw, or Hatchet, Hammer, Nail, or Tenter-hook, Fire, Blast, or Gunpow­der, &c. And will continue its Vertue beyond Credit; and as useful seven Years hence as at this present Moment, that you may lend it to your Neighbours in the time of Di­stress and Affliction; and when it has perform’d Forty Cures, ’twill be ne’er the Worse, but still retain its Integri­ty. Probatum Est.

The next unparalell’d Medicine contain’d in this my lit­tle Two-penny Beneficence, is an admirable Powder, good to fortifie the Stomach against all Infections, Unwholesome Damps, Malignant Effluvia’s that arise from Putred Bo­dies; and the like. It also is a rare Cordial to strengthen and chear the Heart under any Misfortune; and will procure such an Appetite, being drank a little before Dinner, that a Man of an ordinary Stomach may eat a Pound of Suffolk Cheese, and twice the quantity of Rye-Bread, and still have as good an Appetite to a Sir-Loin of Roast-Beef, as if he had not eat a bit in a Fortnight. This most excel­lent Preparation is also the most powerful Antivermineous

Medicine ever given in England, Scotland, France or Ireland; and if either your selves, or your Children are troubl’d with that Epidemical Distemper, Worms, which destroy more Bodies than either Plague, Pestilence or Fa­mine, give, or take this infus’d in a little warm Ale, in­stead of Wormseed and Treacle, and you will find these devouring Vermin, these Death Agents, that Burrow in our Bodies, as Rabbits in a Warren, come creeping out at both ends, like Lice out of a Beggars Doublet, when he hangs it in the Sunshine. It is also a most rare Dentifrice, and cleanses all foul, and fastens all loose Teeth, to a Miracle. This Powder I call my Pulvis Lubberdatus, because in my Travels I first gave it amongst the Dutch when I was a Student at Leyden: Where, Gentlemen, I would have you to know, I took my Degrees, altho’ I expose my self to the Worlds Censures, by appearing thus Publick, for the Good of my own Country, which at all times (it’s well known) I have been very ready to serve.

The last, and most useful Medicine prepar’d throughout the whole Universe, is this my Orvietan, whose Vertues are such, it will, equally with the Unicorns-Horn, expel the Rankest Poison. It is absolutely Necessary for all Persons to carry in their Pockets, for who knows how the Passions of Love, Fear, Anger, Despair, Jealousie, or the like, by the subtile insinuation of Satan, who is watchful of all opportu­nities, may prevail upon you to offer violence to your most precious Lives, by taking Rats-bane, Mercury, Arsenick, Opium, and the like. Why, who, I say, would be without a Medicine, to relieve themselves under such Misfortunes, which would not only hurry ’em to Death, but to Damnation? It is also the best Sudorifick, in all Colds and Fevers that ever can possibly be taken, working out the Distemper by gentle Perspiration, and fortifies the Heart against all Fainting and Swooning, also the Brain against all Dizziness and Swimmings; and is, upon the word of a Physician, the greatest Cordial the most Eminent Doctor can Prescribe, or Patient take.

I do assure you Gentlemen, the Colledge of Physicians offer’d to admit me as a Member of their Society, if I would make but a discovery only to themselves of this most excellent and admirable Secret; No, hold you me there a little, Gentlemen, (said I) I shall then make you as Wise as my Self; and should I do that, pray who would be a Fool then? Why truly my self; for I would have you to know, Gentlemen, I have more manners than to reflect upon such a Learned Society.

This piece of Impudence so tickled the Ears of the Brainless Multitude, that they began with as much Ea­gerness to untye their Purses, and the Corners of their Handkerchiefs, and were as free of their Pence, as they would be to buy Apples by the Pound, or see a Poppet-show; that it was as much as ever the Doctor could do to deliver out his Physick fast enough; his industrious Lies, taking as well with the Mob, as a Treasonable Ballad, or a disgusted Statesmans Pamphlet, upon the Turn of a Government. Thus they continued flinging away their Money, of all Ages, from Sixty to Six­teen; many of them looking as if they could scarce command as much more till next Saturday Night they received their Wages; till either the Doctor broke the Crowd of their Money, or the Crowd the Doctor of his Physick, I know not whether; but away Trot­ted he on Horse-back with their Pence, whilst his Patients were glad to trudge away on Foot with his Pacquets.

Pray, says my Friend, what do you think? Is it not a Shame to our English Physicians to suffer such a par­cel of Ignorant, Illiterate, and Impudent Vagabonds to Cozen poor Innocent Wretches out of their Money publickly in the Streets, who want it themselves to purchase Bread and Necessaries? I can’t imagine what can be urg’d as an excuse for the Tolerating such Ras­cals to drain the Pockets of the Poor by preposterous Lies, jumbled into a Senseless Cant, to perswade the

People to believe them really that, to which they are only a Scandal. And as a means to disswade the Pub­lick from their foolish Opinion of these Emperical Va­gabonds, or their Medicines, which are only made from a parcel of perish’d Drugs, ground Promiscuou­sly together, without Art or Rule, and so made up in­to sundry sorts of species, to allure the Ignorant; I have here given a true portraicture of such a Scanda­lous Fellow, who makes it his Business to Cheat the Common people by his lying Assertions, and fallacious Insinuations, not only out of their Money, but often out of their Health, which is far more valuable.

From thence we took a turn down by the Ditch-Ditch-side

side, I desiring my Friend to inform me what great advantages this costly Brook contributed to the Town, to Countervail the Expence of Seventy four Thousand Pounds, which I read in a very Credible Author was the Charge of its making: He told me he was wholly unacquainted with any, unless it was now and then to bring up a few Chaldron of Coles to 2 or 3 Pedling Fewel-Merchants, who sells them never the cheaper to the poor for such a Conveniency: And as for those Cellars you see on each side, design’d for Ware-houses, they are render’d by their dampness so unfit for that purpose that they are wholly useless, except for Ligh­termen to lay their Tails in, or to harbour Frogs, Toads, and other Vermin. The greatest good that ever I heard it did, was to the Undertaker, who is bound to acknowledge he has found better Fishing in a muddy Stream, than ever he did in clear Water.

We then turn’d into the Gate of a stately Edifice, my Friend told me was Bridewell, which to me seem’d rather a Princes Palace, than a House of Correction; till gazing round me, I saw in a large Room a parcel of Ill-looking Mortals Strip’d to their Shirts like Hay-makers, pounding a Pernicious Weed, which I thought, from their unlucky-aspects, seem’d to threaten their Destruction. These, said I, to my Friend, I suppose are the Offenders at work; pray what do you think their Crimes may be? Truly, said he, I cannot tell you; but if you have a mind to know, ask any of them their Offence, and they will soon satisfie you. Prithee, Friend, said I, to a Surly Bull-neck’d Fellow, who was thumping as lazily at his Wooden Anvil, as a Ship Carpenter at a Log in the Kings-yard at Deptford, what are you Confin’d to this Labour for? My Hem­pen Operator, leering over his Shoulder, cast at me one of his hanging Looks; which so frighten’d me, I step’d back, for fear he should have knock’d me on the Head with his Beetle, Why, if you must know, Mr.

Tickle-tail, says he, taking me, as I believe, being in Black, for some Country Pedagogue, I was committed hither by Justice Clodpate, for saying I had rather hear a Black-bird Whistle Walsingham, or a Peacock Scream against Foul Weather, than a Parson talk Nonsence in a Church, or a Fool talk Latin in a Coffee-House: And I’ll be Judg’d by you that are a Man of Judgment, whether in all I said there be one Word of Treason to deserve a Whipping-Post. The Impudence of this Canary-bird so dash’d me out of Countenance, together with his unexpected Answer, that like a Man Surfeited with his Mistresses Favours, I had nothing to say, but heartily wish’d my self well out of their Company; and as we were turning back to avoid their further Sawciness, another calls to me, Hark you Master in Black of the same colour of the Devil, can you tell me how many thumps of this Ham­mer will soften the Hemp so as to make a Halter sit Easie if a Man should have occasion to wear one? A third crying out, I hope, Gentlemen, you will be so Generous to give us something to Drink, for you don’t know but we may be hard at work for you? We were glad with what expedition we could, to escape their Impudence. Going from the Work-Room to the Common-side, or place of Confinement (where they are Lock’d up at Night) thro’ the frightful Grates of which un­comfortable Appartment a Ghastly Skeleton stood peeping, that from his terrible Aspect, I thought some Power Immortal had Imprison’d Death that the World might Live for ever. I could not speak to him without dread of danger, least when his lips open’d to give me an answer, he should poison the Air with his contagious Breath, and Communicate to me the same Pestilence which had brought his infect­ed Body to a dismal Anatomy: Yet mov’d with pi­ty towards so sad an Object, I began to enquire into the Causes of his sad appearance, who, after a Peniten­tial Look, that call’d for Mercy and Compassion, with

much difficulty he rais’d his feeble Voice a degree above silence, and told me he had been Sick Six Weeks under that sad Confinement, and had nothing to com­fort him but Bread and Water, with now and then the refreshment of a little small beer. I ask’d him further, what Offence he had committed that brought him un­der this unhappiness? To which he answer’d, He had been a great while discharg’d of all that was charg’d a­gainst him, and was detain’d only for his Fee’s; which, for want of Friends, being a Stranger in the Town, he was totally unable to raise. I ask’d him what his Fees amounted to; who told me Five-Groats. Bless me! Thought I, what a Rigorous Uncharitable thing is this, that so Noble a Gift, intended, when first given, to so good an End, should be thus perverted! And what was design’d to prevent Peoples falling into Misery, thro’ Laziness or Ill-Courses, should now be corrupted by such Unchristian Confinement, as to Starve a poor Wretch, because he wants Money to satisfie the demands of a Mercenary Cerberus, when discharg’d of the Prison by the Court! Such Severe, nay Barbarous Usage, is a shame to our Laws, an unhap­piness to our Nation, and a scandal to Christianity.

From thence we turn’d into another Court, the Buildings being like the former, Magnificently Noble; where straight before us was another Grate, which prov’d the Women’s Apartment: we follow’d our Noses and walk’d up to take a view of their Ladies, who we found were shut up as close as Nuns; but like so many Slaves, were under the Care and Direction of an Over-seer, who walk’d about with a very flexi­ble Weapon of Offence, to Correct such hempen Jour­ney-women who were unhappily troubled with the Spirit of Idleness. These smelt as frowsily as so ma­ny Goats in a Welsh Gentlemans Stable, or rather a Litter of piss-tail Children under the care of a Parish Nurse; and look’d with as much Modesty as so ma-

many ny Newgate Saints Canoniz’d at the Old Baily; being all as Merry over their shameful Drudgery, notwith­standing their miserable Circumstances, as so many Jol­ly Crispin’s in a Garret, or Vulcan’s in a Celler o’er the merry Clinks of their Anvil. Some seem’d so very Young, that I thought it very strange they should know Sin enough at those Years to bring them so ear­ly into a State of Misery: Others so Old, that one would think the dread of the Grave, and thoughts of Futurity, were sufficient to reclaim ’em from all Vice, had they been train’d up never so wickedly; some between both, in the Meridian of their Years and were very pretty, but seem’d very lewd, that, Mes­salina like, they might be Tired, but never Satisfied. Pray, Sir, says one of them, how do you like us? You look very wishfully upon us? What do you think of us? Why, truly said I, I think you have done something to de­serve this Punishment, or else you would not be here. If you’ll believe me, without Blushing, I’ll tell you the Truth: I happened to live with an old Haberdasher, and when my Mistress was out of the way, he us’d to tickle my Lips with a Pen-feather, and at last she Catch us, and had me before Justice Over-doe, who committed me hither, where I have had more Lashes on my Back, than ever my Belly deserv’d.

Don’t believe her, Master, crys another, She’s as ar­rant a Strumpet as ever earn’d her Living at two pence a Bout; and was Committed hither for Lying so long on her Back that her Rump grew to the Bed-Cloaths till she could not rise again. She’s one of Posture Moll’s Scholars, and can show you how the Water-men shoot London-Bridge, or how the Lawyers go to Westminster. What do you think, replies the other, this buttocking brimestone came hither for? I’ll tell you Master, says she, because I be­lieve you have no good Guess with you, viz. ’twas for pick­ing a Country-mans Pocket of his Pouch, and hiding it in her Oven; but when she came to be search’d, the Fool having

forgot to take up the strings, was discover’d in ber Rogue­ry, and sent here to be Lash’d; and does not she deserve it, Sirs, for trusting Money in a Box, that has neither Lid nor Bottom to it? I could not but wonder to hear this Impudence from Women, more especially when I considere’d they were under such Shame, Misery, and Pu­nishment, which a Man might reasonably imagine would work upon the most corrupted Minds, to abo­minate those base Practices which brought ’em to this Unhappiness.

Being now both tired with, and amazed at, the Con­fidence and Loose Behaviour of these Degenerate Wretches, who had neither Sense of Grace, Knowledge of Vertue, Fear of Shame, or Dread of Misery, my Friend reconducted me back into the first Quadran­gle, and led me up a pair of Stairs into a Spacious Chamber, where the Court was sitting in great Gran­dure and Order. A Grave Gentleman, whose Awful Looks bespoke him some Honourable Citizen, was mounted in the Judgment-Seat, Arm’d with a Ham­mer, like a Change-broker at Lloyds Coffee-House, when selling Goods by Inch of Candle; and a Woman under the Lash in the next Room; where Folding Doors were open’d, that the whole Court might see the Punishment Inflicted; at last down went the Hammer, and the Scourging ceas’d; that I protest, till I was undeceiv’d, I thought the Offenders had been Popish Penitents, who by the Delusion of their Priests, were drawn thither to buy Lashes by Auction. The Honourable Court, I ob­serv’d, were chiefly attended by Fellows in Blew-Coats, and Women in Blew-Aprons. Another Ac­cusation being then deliver’d by a Flat-Cap against a poor Wench, who having no Friend to speak in her behalf, Proclamation was made, viz. All you who are willing E—th T—ll, should have present Punishment, pray hold up your hands: Which was done according­ly: And then she was order’d the Civility of the House, and was forc’d to shew her tender Back, and tempting Bubbies, to the Grave Sages of the Grave Assembly,

who were mov’d by her Modest Mein, together with the whiteness of her Skin, to give her but a gentle Correction.

Finding little Knowledge to be gain’d from their proceedings, and less Pleasure and Satisfaction from their Punishments; my Friend and I thought it better to retire, and leave them to Flog on till the Ac­cusers had satisfied their Revenge, and the Spectators their Curiosity.

Now, says my Friend, pray give me your thoughts of what you have seen, whether you think this sort of Correction is a proper Method to Reform form Women from their Vicious Practices, or not? Why, truly, said I, if I must deliver my Opinion according to my real Sentiments, I only conceive it makes many Whores, but that it can in no measure Reclaim ’em: And these are my Reasons.

First, If a Girl of Thirteen or Fourteen Years of Age, as I have seen some here, either thro’ the Ig­norance or Childishness of their Youth or Unhap­piness of a Stubborn Temper, should be Guilty of Negligence in their Business, or prove Head-strong, Humoursome, or Obstinate, and thro’ an Ungoverna­ble Temper, take Pleasure to do things in Disobedience to the Will of their Master or Mistress, or be Guilty of a trifling Wrong or Injury, thro’ Inadvertency, they have Power at Home to give them Reaso­nable Correction, without exposing ’em to this Shame and Scandal, never to be wash’d off by the most Reform’d Life imaginable; which unhappy Stain makes them always shun’d by Vertuous and Good Peo­ple, who will neither entertain a Servant, nor admit of a Companion under this Disparagement; the one being fearful of their Goods, and the other of their Reputation till the poor Wretch, by her Necessity, is at last drove into the Hands of Ill Persons, and forc’d to betake herself to bad Conversation, till she is in-

insensiblysensibly Corrupted, and made fit for all Wickedness.

Secondly, I think it a Shameful Indecency for a Wo­man to expose her Naked Body to the sight of Men and Boys, as if it was design’d rather to feast the Eyes of the Spectators, or stir up the Beastly Appetites of Leache­rous Persons, than to Correct Vice, or Reform Man­ners; therefore I think it both more Modesty and more Reasonabley they should receive their Punish­ment in the view of Women only, and by the Hand of their own Sex.

Thirdly, As their Bodies by Nature are more ten­der, and their Constitution allowed more weak, we ought to shew them more Mercy, and not Punish ’em with such Dog-like Usage, unless their Crimes were Capital.

I believe, reply’d my Friend, you are aiming to cur­ry Favour with the fair Sex: This Lecture to a Town Lady, if you had a Mind to be Wicked, would save you Money in your Pocket; tho’ indeed, what you have urg’d seems no more than reasonable. I think I have now shew’d you all this place affords; so we’ll take our Leaves of’t; but I hope you will give us a few Lines upon it, and then we’ll seek some new Di­version. I could not but Gratifie my Friends request, and what I did to oblige him, I here present unto the Reader.

We now departed Bridewell; and willing to Refresh our selves with the Smoaking of one Pipe, turn’d into a Neighbouring Coffee-House, where glancing upon an old Flying-Post, we put our selves in Mind of my Dame Butterfield’s Invitation to her Essex Calf and Ba­con, with her Six Brass Horns to Accommodate Sports­men with the Delightful Harmony of Hunting: And believing a Relation of this unusual Feast might be Wel­come to the Publick, my Friend and I agreed to move with the Stream; and give our selves a Country Walk to the Place appointed: I am sensible it is something of a Digression, or rather a Deviation from the Title: But tho’ the Feast was in the Country, yet the Guests were Londoners; and therefore what we shall Observe a­mong’em may be Reasonably admitted.

Fearing Old Time should slide insensibly away, and cut short our

intended Pastime, we smoak’d our Pipes with greater Expedition, in order to proceed our Journey, which we began about Eleven a Clock, and marching thro’ Cheap-side, found half the People we either met or over-took, Equip’d for Hunting; walking backwards and forwards, as I suppose, to shew one another their Accoutrements. The City Beaus in Boots as Black as Jet, which shin’d by much Rubbing, like a Stick of Ebo­ny; their Heels Arm’d with Spurs, (those Travelling Wea­pons to defend the Rider from the Laziness of his Horse) so carefully preserv’d bright in a Box of Cotton, that they dazzled in the Eyes of each Beholder like a piece of Looking-Glass in the Sun-shine; their Wastes Hoop’d round with Turkey-Leather Belts, at which hung a Baggonet, or short Scymitar, in order to cut their Mistresses Names upon the Trees of the Forrest: In the Right Hand a Whip, mounted against the Breast, like the Scepter of a Kings Statue upon the Change, their Heads adorn’d with Twisted Wigs, and Crown’d with Edg’d Casters; being all over in such Prim and Order, that you could scarce distinguish them from Gentlemen. Amongst ’em were many Ladies of the same Quality, ty’d up in Safe­guards so be-knotted with Two-penny Taffaty, that a Man might guess by their Finery, their Fathers to be Ribbon-Weavers. We Crowded along, mix’d a­mong the Herd, and could not but fancy the major part of the Citizens were Scampering out of Town to avoid the Horse-Plague. We mov’d forward without any Discontinuance of our Perambulation, till we came to the Globe at Mile-End, where a Precious Mortal made us a Short-Hand Complement, and gave us an In­vitation to a Sir-Loin of Roast-Beef, out of which Corroborating Food, we renew’d our Lives; and after strengthening our Spirits with a Flask of rare Claret, we took Leave of my Honest Landlord; and so pro­ceeded.

By this time the Road was full of Passengers, eve-

every ryone furnish’d with no small Appetite to Veal and Bacon. Citizens in Crowds, upon Pads, Hackneys and Hunters; all upon the Tittup, as if he who Rid not a Gallop was to Forfeit his Horse. Some Spurring on with that Speed and Chearfulness, as if they intended never to come back again: Some Double, some Single. Every now and then drop’d a Lady from her Pillion, another from her Side-Saddle, some shewing the Milky-way to Bliss, others their Bugbears to the Company, which, tho’ it made them Blush, it made us Merry; Sometimes a Beau would tumble and dawb his Boots, which, to shew his Neatness, he would clean with his Handkerchief. Horses, Coaches, Carts, Wag­gons, and Tumblers, fill’d the Roads, as if the whole Town had been going to Encamp; all Occupy’d by Men, Women and Chil­dren, Rich, Poor, Gentle and Simple, having all Travel­ling Conveniences suitable to their Quality. In this Order did we March, like Aaron’s Proselites to Wor­ship the Calf, till we came to the New-Rais’d Fabrick, call’d Mobs-Hole, where the Beast was to be Eaten. The House was so surrounded with the Mobility, that it look’d like the Welsh Cow-keepers-Camp, consisting of a number of both Sexes, of all Sorts and Sizes, sufficient, instead of one, to have Eaten all the Calves in Essex. We press’d hard to get into the House, which we found so full, that when I was in, what with the Smell of Sweat, Stinking Breaths and Tobacco, I thought there was but a few Gasps between this Place and E­ternity. Some were Dancing to a Bagpipe, others Whistling to a Base-Violin, two Fiddlers scraping Lil­laburlero, my Lord Mayors Delight, upon a couple of Crack’d Crowds, and an Old Oliverian Trooper Fart­ing upon a Trumpet. My Friend and I being willing to get as far out of the Noise as we could, Climb’d up into a Garret, where we found a single Lady, in her Safeguard, rectifying her Commode from the abuses of the Wind. I thought my self Oblig’d in Civility, to make some little use of so fair an Opportunity; and

accordingly Welcom’d her to Mobs-Hole; and at last talk’d her into so Compliant a Humour, that I per­ceiv’d she was as willing to give us her Company, as we could be to ask it; till we had brought our selves in danger of intailing that Trouble and Expence upon our selves, which, to tell you the Truth, we thought was Prudence to avoid; so by a cooler sort of Treatment than we first began with, we gave her Delicious Lady­ship some Reasons to believe she might go a little fur­ther and fare better; accordingly she took her Leave, and squeez’d down Stairs, to shew her Marmalet-Looks and Inviting Airiness upon the Parade; where Tag, Rag, and Bob-Tail, were Promiscuously jumbled a­mongst City Quality from Beau to Booby, and the Merchants Lady to the Thumb-Ring’d Ale-Wife.

Being now left by our selves, in a Room not much bigger than a Hogshead, furnish’d with nothing but a little Bedstead, and that of an uneasie height to sit on, we found notwithstanding our tedious walk of Seven long Miles, at our Journeys End we had little likelihood of a Rest­ing-place; bul; either be forc’d to lye down like Dogs, or lean like Elephants; finding as much difficulty to get a lit­tle Drink, by reason of their number, as a Rabble do at a Conduit that runs Wine upon a States-Holy-day: When, with abundance of Pains, and as much Patience, we had Liquor’d our Throats with two or three Slen­der-Body’d Mugs of Country Guzzle, we jostled down two narrow pair of Stairs, and encreas’d the Number­less Troop of Gazing Animals, who were different­ly disposed to divers Exercises, some Cramming down Veal and Bacon, to allay the Fury of their Cormorant Appetites ,. having no Table-Cloth but Grass, or Seats but Ground; others Projecting better for their Ease had made a Table of a Horse-block, and blow’d their Noses in the same Napkins with which they wip’d their Fingers; some were Climb’d into an Arbour, on the top of an Old Tree, where they sat

Hooping and Hallowing, like so many Owls, but could get no Body near ’em to bring ’em either Drink or Victuals; Some Ladies in their Coaches, Mask’d, who, I suppose, wanted to give some Cully a cast home, that could not pay the Coachman; others on Horse-back bare-fac’d, conducted thither by their Fathers Prenti­ces; and many Hundreds of both Sexes on Foot, some Smoaking, some Drinking, others Cursing, and Swear­ing, thro’ want of that Refreshment which the more Industrious Spectators had very painfully procur’d. In the Interim we were thus walking to take Notice of the sundry Humours and Transactions of the Buz­zing Multitude, came four Merry Dames in a Coach, and Lighted by me; one Trick’d up like an Old Maid, with a Gold Chain about her Neck, Patches on her wrinkled Face, and her Ill-shap’d Carcase splendidly set off with very Gay Apparel, her Eyes looking Angry with a Hot Rheum cast up into her Head by the Staleness of her Virginity; the rest wore Motherly Countenances, and look’d as if they had understood Trap this Twenty Years: I welcom’d them to Mobs-Hole, and began to Entertain ’em with some Talk applicable to the present Juncture; at last the Old Gentlewoman, whom I suppos’d a Maid, took the Freedom to ask me, What it was a Clock by my Watch? Truly, Madam, said I, I have not one about me; but if you please to turn a­bout, and look at the Sun with those Virgins Eyes of yours, a Lady of your Judgment may understand the Hour of the Day by his distance from the Horizon. Says another of ’em, May be the Gentlemans Watch is down, and he is ash am? d to show it us. To which I reply’d, Indeed, Madam, if it be, I can see nothing in your Ladiships Face that will wind it up again. Why, Sir, says the Third, does Faces use to wind up Watches? Yes, Madam, answer’d I, such a one as I carry about me, which is made without Wheels; and will give such a Lady as you are a better time of the Day when its standing, than other Watches do

when they are moving. Bless me! Sir, says the Fourth, yours is the Strangest Watch that ever I heard on; I wish you would be so kind as to let a Body see it. Truly, Madam, says I, ’tis without a case, and unfit to be pluck’d out in publick Company, or otherways I would be very willing to Oblige you. She replying, I am sorry to hear it is so much out of Order; but if it wants nothing but a case, you don’t know but I may present you with one, I think ’twill fit. I found I should be out-talk’d upon this Subject, and was glad to make an Excuse to avoid their further Conversation; and from thence went into the Kitchen, Built up of Furzes, in the open Air, to behold their Cookery; where the Major part of the Calf was Roasting upon a Wooden Spit: Having lost two or three great Slivers off his Buttocks, his Ribs par’d to the very Bone, with holes in his Shoulders, each large enough to bury a Sevil Orange, that he look’d as if a Kennel of Hounds had every one had a Snap at him. Under him lay the Flitch of Bacon of such an Ethio­pian Complection, that I should rather have guess’d it the side of a Blackamore: It looking more like a Canibals Feast, than a Christian Entertainment. My appetite was so far from Coveting a Taste, that I had a full Meal at the very Sight of their Dainties; and I believe for the future, I shall have as great a kindness for Veal and Bacon as an Anabaptist Preacher has for the Church Liturgy. Being soon glutted with the view of this unusual piece of Cookery, we departed from the Kitchen, and hearing a great bustle in the Upper-room of an Out-House, we went up Stairs to see what was the matter, where we found a poor Fiddler, Scraping over the Tune of Now Ponder well you Parents Dear; and a parcel of Country People Dancing and Crying to’t. The Remembrance of the Uncles Cruelty to the Poor Innocent Babes, and the Robin-Red-Breasts Kindness, had fix’d in their very Looks such Signs of Sorrow and Compassion, that their Dancing seem’d rather a Reli

Religiousgious Worship, than a Merry Recreation. Having thus given our selves a Prospect of all the place afforded, we return’d to Stratford, where we got a Coach, and from thence to London.

THE
London-Spy.
PART VII.

WHEN our Stratford Tub, by the Assistance of its Carrionly TitsTits: coach horses. of different Colours, had out-run the Smoothness of the Road, and enter’d upon London-stones, with as frightful a Rumbling as an empty Hay-Cart, our Leathern-Con­veniency being bound in the Braces to its Good Be­haviour, had no more Sway than a Funeral-Hearse, or a Country-Waggon, that we were jumbled about like so many Pease in a Childs-Rattle, running, at every Kennel-Jolt, a great Hazard of a Dislocation: This we endured till we were brought within White Chappel-Bars, where we lighted from our Stubborn Caravan,

with our Elbows and Shoulders as Black and Blew as a Rural Joan, that had been under the Pinches of an Angry Fairy. Our weary Limbs being rather more Tir’d than Refresh’d, by the Thumps and Tosses of our ill-contriv’d Engine, as unfit to move upon a Rug­ged Pavement, as a Gouty Sinner is to halt o’er Lon­don Bridge with his Boots on. For my part, said I, if this be the Pleasure of Riding in a Coach, thro’ London-streets, may those that like it enjoy it, for it has so loosen’d my Joynts in so short a Passage, that I shall scarce recover my former Strength this Fortnight; and indeed, of the two, I would rather chuse to cry Mouse-Traps for a Livelyhood, than be oblig’d every day to be drag’d about Town under such uneasiness; and if the Qualities Coaches are as troublesome as this, I would not be bound to do their Penance for the Estates. You must consider, says my Friend, you have not the right knack of Humouring the Coaches Motion; for there is as much Art in sitting in a Coach finely, as there is in riding the Great Horse; and many a Young­er Brother has got a good Fortune by his Graceful Lolling in his Chariot, and his Genteel Stepping in and out, when he pays a Visit to her Ladyship. There are a great many such Qualifications amongst our true French-Bred Gentlemen, that are Admir’d amongst our Nicer Ladies now-a-days, besides the smooth Dancing of a Minuet, the making a Love-Song, the neat Car­ving up a Fowl, or the thin Paring of an Apple.

Pray, Friend, said I, don’t let us trouble our selves how the Ladies chuse their Husbands, or what they do with their Gallants, but consider how we shall get to the other end of the Town; for my Pedestals are so Crippl’d with our Whimsical Peregrina­tion, that I Totter like a Founder’d Horse, or an Old Sinner when his Corns are tender. To which, says my Friend, you have Exprest such a Dislike to a Coach, that I know not which way to get you thither, if you

cannot Walk it, except you can make your Supporters carry you down to the Bridge, and there we may take Water at the Old-Swan, and Land at Salisbury-Court, and then we shall be properly plac’d to proceed in our further Ramble.

I accordingly submitted to my Friends Advice; and hobbled down to the Water-side, with as much un­easiness, as a Badger Walks upon even Ground, or a Bear down-hill, where a Jolly Grizzle-Pated CharonCharon: the ferryman who conveyed the spirits of the dead across the river Styx in Greek and Latin mythology. The potential elevation of subject matter and theme implied by the reference to the classical Pantheon is an irony that becomes increasingly apparent through the rest of the paragraph. handed us into his Wherry,Wherry: a light rowing boat used to carry passengers and goods. whips off his short skirted Doublet, whereon was a Badg, to shew whose Fool he was, then fixes his Stretcher,Stretcher: a piece of wood placed across a rowing boat as a foot-rest for the waterman. bids us Trim the Boat, and away he Row’d us; but we had not SwomSwom: swum, i.e., to have floated along the water’s surface in their boat. above the length of a West-Country Barge, before a Scoundrel Crew of Lambeth Gardeners attack’d us with such a Volley of saucy Nonsence, that it made my Eyes stare, my Head ake, my Tongue run, and my Ears tingle: One of them beginning with us after this manner, You couple of Treacherous Sons of Bridewell B—s,Bridewell Bitches: the reference to Bridewell Prison, a house of correction, makes the “sons of bitches” epithet even more insulting. who are Pimps to your own Mothers, StallionsStallion: whoremonger or pimp. to your Sisters, and Cock-BawdsCock-Bawd: pimp. to the rest of your Relations; Who were begot by Huffling, Spew’d up, and not Bornbegot by Huffling, Spew’d up, and not Born: “to huffle,” meaning “to blow,” carries the same meaning here as the present-day slang blow job, that is, they were conceived in the mouth and vomited up rather than born naturally.; and Christen’d out of a Chamber-Pot; How dare you show your Ugly Faces upon the River of Thames, and Fright the Kings Swans from holding their heads above Water? To which our Well-fed Pilot, after he had clear’d his Voice with a Hem, most manfully Reply’d, You Lousie Starv’d Crew of Worm-pickers, and Snail Catchers; You Offspring of a Dunghill, and Brothers to a Pumkin, who can’t afford Butter to your Cabbage, or Bacon to your Sprouts; You shitten Rogues, who worship the Fundament,Fundament: the anus. because you live by a Turd; who was that sent the Gardener to cut a Hundred of Sparragrass,Sparragrass: asparagus, regarded as an aphrodisiac. and dug twice in his Wives Parsley-bedParsley-Bed: a woman’s genitals. before the Goodman came back again? Hold your Tongues you KnittyKnitty: infested with nits. Radish-mongers,Worm-picker; Snail catcher; Radish-monger: worm, snail, and radish were all euphemisms for penis, though Ward’s characters could just as likely be using these terms to disparage the work of their combatants as menial, relatively unskilled labour; monger; a merchant or dealer. or I’m whet my Needle upon my A—s and sow your Lips together. This Verbal Engagement was no sooner over, but another Squabling Crew met us, be-

beinging most Women, who, as they past us, gave us another Salutation, viz. You Taylors! Who Pawn’d the Gen­tlemans Cloak to buy a Wedding-Dinner, and afterwards sold his Wives Cloathes for Money to fetch it out again? Here, Timothy, fetch your Mistress and I three hap’worth of boild Beef, see first they make good Weight, then stand hard for a bit of Carrot. To which our Orator, after a puff and a pull up, being well Skill’d in the Water-Dialect, made this return, You, Dirty Salt-As’d brood of Night-walkers and Shop-lifters, which of you was it that ty’d her Apron about her Neck, because she would be Kis’d in a Night-rail; and reckon’d her Gallant a shilling for fouling of Linnen, when she had never a Smock on? Have a care of your Cheeks, you Whores, we shall have you Branded next Sessions, that the World may see your Trade in your Faces. You are lately come from the Hemp and Hammer: O Good Sir Robert Knock, Pray, Good Sir Robert Knock. The next Boat we met, was freighted with a parcel of City Shop-keepers, who being eager, like the rest, to show their acuteness of Wit, and admirable breeding, accosted us after this manner, viz. You Affidavit Scoundrels, pluck the Straws out of the heels of your shooes. You Oats’s Journey-men, who are you going to swear out of an Estate at Westminster-Hall? Tho’ you know nothing of the matter, You Rogues we shall have you in the Pillory when Rotten Eggs are plenty. You are in a safe Condition, you may Travel any where by Water and never fear Drowning. Thus they run on, till our Spokes-man stop’d their Mouths with this following Homily, You Cuckoldly Company of Whiffling, Pedling, Ly­ing, Over-reaching Ninny-Hammers, who were forc’d to desire some handsome Batchelor to Kiss your Wives, and beg a Holiday for you, or else you would not have dar’d to come out to Day. Go make hast home, that you may find the Fowles at the Fire. If I had but as many Horns on my Head, as you are forc’d to hide in your Pockets, what a Monster should I be? You little think what your Wives are

providing for you against you come Home. Don’t be Angry Friends, its many an Honest Mans Fortune. Said I, this is a rare place for a Scold to Exercise her Faculties, and improve her Talent; for I think every Body we meet is an Academy of ill Language. I observe ’tis as great a Pennance for a Modest Man to go a Mile upon the River as ’tis for him to run the Gauntlet thro’ an Alley where the Good House Wives are picking Okum; bad Words being as much in Fashion amongst such Gossips, as Curses at a Gaming Ordinary; and good Words us’d as seldom as Plain-Dealing among Courtiers.

By this time we were come to our propos’d Landing place, where a Stately Edifice (the Front supported by Lofty Columns) presented to our view, I en­quired of my Friend what Magnificent Don Croesus Re­sided in this Noble and Delightful Mansion? Who told me, no Body as he knew on, except Rats and Mice; and perhaps an Old Superanuated Jack-Pudding, to look after it, and to take care that no decay’d Lover of the Drama should get in and steal away the Poets Pictures, and sell ’em to some Upholsterer for Roman Emperors; I suppose there being little else to lose, except Scenes, Machines or some such Jim-cracks. For this, says he, is one of the Theatres, but now wholly abandoned by the Players; and, ’tis thought, will in a little time be pulled down, if it is not Bought by some of our Dissenting Brethren, and Converted to a more Pious Use, that may in part Atone for the sundry Transgressions oc­casion’d by the Levity which the Stage of late has been so greatly subject to. Here we took our leaves of the Lady Thames, wondering she should have so sweet a Breath, considering how many stink­ing Pills she swallows in a Day; for each Neighbouring Tail, in Contempt of her Pride, Defiles her Peaceful Surface, whose unsavory Droppings, the Courteous

Dame, with Patience wears, to Adorn her smooth Countenance, instead of Patches.

Being now Landed upon Terra Firma, we Steer’d our Course up Salisbury-Court, where every two or three Steps we met some Old Figure or another, that look’d as if the Devil had Rob’d ’em of all their Na­tural Beauty, which (in being our Makers Image) we derive from our Creator; and had infus’d his own Infernal Spirit into their Corrupt Carcases: for nothing could be Read but Devilism in every Feature. Theft, Whoredom, Homicide, and Blasphemy, peep’d out at the very Windows of their Souls; Lying, Perjury, Fraud, Impudence, and Misery, were the only Graces of their Countenance.

One with Slip-Shoes, without Stockins, and a Dirty Smock, (visible thro’ a Crape Petticoat) stepping from the Ale-House to her Lodgings, with a parcel of Pipes in one hand, and a Gallon-Pot of Guzzle In the other; yet with her Head Dress’d up to as much Advantage, as if the Members of her Body were Sacrific’d to all Wickedness, to keep her ill-Look’d Face in a little Finery. Another, I suppose, taken from the Oyster-Tub, and put into Whores Allurements, made a more cleanly Appearance; but became her Ornaments, as a Cow would a Curb-Bridle, or a Sow a Hunting-Saddle. Then, every now and then, would bolt out a Fellow, and whip nimbly Cross the way, being equally fear­ful, as I imagine, of both Constable and. Serjeant, and look’d as if the Dread of a Gallows had drawn its Picture in his Countenance. Said I to my Friend, what can these People be, who are so Stigmatiz’d in their Looks, that they may be known as well from the rest of Mankind, as Jews from Christians? They seem to me so unlike Gods Creatures, that I cannot but fancy them a Colony of Hell-Cats, Planted here by the De­vil, as a Mischief to Mankind. Why, truly says my Friend, they are such an Abominable Race of Degene-

Degeneraterate Reprobates, that they admit of no Comparison on this side Helps Dominions. All this part, quite up to the Square, is a Corporation of Whores, Coiners, Highway-Men, Pick-Pockets, and House-breakers; who, like Bats and Owls, Sculk in Obscure Holes by Day-Light, but wander in the Night in search of Op­portunities wherein to Exercise their Roguery.

When we had taken a gentle Walk thro’ this abo­minable Sodom, where all the Sins invented since the Fall of Lucifer, are Dayly Practiced, we came into the common Road, Fleet-Street, where the Ratling of Coaches, loud as the Cataracts of Nile, Rob’d me of my Hearing, and put my Head into as much disorder as the untunable Hollows of a Rural Mob at a Coun­try Bull-Baiting. Now, says my Friend, we have a rare Opportunity of replenishing our Boxes with a Pipe of fine Tobacco; for the greatest Retailer of that Commodity in England Lives on the other side the way; and if you dare run the hazard of crossing the Kennel, we’ll take a Pipe in the Shop where we are likely e­nough to find something worth our Observation. In­deed, said I, you may well Stile it a hazard; for when ever I have occasion to go on the wrong side the Post, I find my self in as much dread of having my Bones broke by some of these Conveniencies for the Lame and Lazy, as an unlucky Prentice to a crabbed Master, is of a sound beating after a Stolen Holiday. But how­ever, when we had waited with Patience for a season­able Minute, to perform this dangerous Service, we at last ventur’d to shoot our selves thro’ a Vacancy be­tween two Coaches, and so ent’red the Smoky Pre­misses of the famous Fumigator: Where a parcel of Ancient Worshipers of the Wicked Weed were Seated, wrap’d up in Irish Blankets, to defend their Wither’d Carcases from the Malicious Winds that only blow upon Old Age and Infirmity; every one having forti­fied the great Gate of Life with English Guns, well

charg’d with Indian Gun-Powder; their Meagre Jaws, Shri-vel’d Looks, and Thoughtful Countenances might render them Philosophers; their Bodies seeming so ve­ry Dry and Light, as if they had been as hard-Bak’d in an Oven as a Sea-bisket, or Cur’d in a Chimney like a Flitch of Bacon; fumbling so very often at a Pan of Small Coal, that I thought they had acquir’d the Sala­manders Nature, and were sucking Fire thro’ a Quill for their Nourishment. They behav’d themselves like such true Lovers of this prevailing Weed, that I dare engage Custom had made their Bodies incapable of supporting Life by any other Breath than Smoke. There was no Talking among ’em, but Puff was the Period of every Sentence; and what they said was as short as possible, for fear of losing the Pleasure of a Whiff, as How d’ye do? Puff. Thank-ye, Puff. Is the Weed good? Puff. Excellent, Puff. It’s fine Weather, Puff. G-d be thanked, Puff. What’s a Clock, Puff, &c. Behind the Counter stood a Complaisant Spark, who, I Observ’d, shew’d as much Breeding in the Sale of a Penny-worth of Tobacco, and the Change of a Shilling, as a Courtiers Footman when he meets his Brother Skip in the middle of Covent-Garden; and is so very Dex­trous in discharge of his Occupation, that he guesses from a Pound of Tobacco to an Ounce, to the certain­ty of one Corn: And will serve more Penny-worths of Tobacco in half an Hour, than some Clou­terly Mundungus-fellers shall be able to do in half Four and Twenty. He never makes a Man wait the tenth part of a Minute for his Change, but will so readily fling you down all Sums, without Counting, from a Guinea to Three-Penny-worth of Farthings, that you would think he had it ready in his Hand for you before you ask’d him for it. He was very Generous of his Small Beer to a good Customer; and I am bound in Justice to say thus much in his Behalf, That he will show a Man more Civility for the taking of a Penny,

than many Stiff-Rump Mechanicks will do for the taking a Pound.

By this time the motion of our Lungs had Consum’d our Pipes; and our Boxes being fill’d, we left the Funking Society in a Stinking Mist, Parching their Intrals with the Drowthy Fumes of the Pernicious Plant; which being taken so Incessantly as it is by these Immoderate Skeletons, renders them such Slaves to a Beastly Custom, that they make a Puff at all Business, are led astray by following of their Noses, burn away their Pence, and consume their Time in Smoke.

We soon departed hence, my Friend Conducting me to a place call’d White-Fryars, which he told me was formerly of great Service to the Honest Traders of the City; who, if they could by Cant, Flattery, and Dissimulation, procure large Credit amongst their Zea­lous Fraternity, would slip in here with their Effects, take Sanctuary against the Laws, Compound their Debts for a small matter, and often times get a better Estate by Breaking, than they could propose to do by Trading. But now a late Act of Parliament has ta­ken away its Priviledge; and since Knaves can neither Break with safety nor advantage, it is observ’d there are not a Quarter so many Shop-keepers play at Bo-peep with their Creditors, as when they were Encourag’d to be Rogues by such Cheating Conveniences.

We thus enter’d this Debtors Garison, where, till of late, says my Friend, Old-Nick broach’d all his wicked Inventions, making this Place the very Thea­tre of Sin, where his most choice Villanies were dai­ly Represented. As we pass’d thro’ the Gateway, I observ’d a Stall of Books, and the first that I glanc’d my Eye upon, happen’d to be dignified and distin­guish’d by this Venerable Title, The Comforts of Who­ring, and the Vanity of Chastity; together with a Poem in Praise of the Pox. Bless me! thought I, sure this Book was Printed in Hell, and Writ by the Devil; for what

Diabolical Scribbler upon Earth could be the Author of such unparallel’d Impudence? I was so surpriz’d with the Title, that I was quite Thoughtless of inspect­ing into the matter, but march’d on till we came in­to the main Street of this neglected Asylum, so very thin of People, the Windows broke, and the Houses Un-Tenanted, as if the Plague, or some such like Judg­ment from Heaven, as well as Executions on Earth, had made a great Slaughter amongst the poor Inhabitants.

We met but very few Persons within these Melan­cholly Precincts, and those by the Airyness of their Dresses, the Forwardness of their Looks, and the Af­fectedness of their Carriage, seem’d to be some Neigh­bouring Lemans, who lay Conveniently to be squeez’d by the Young Fumblers of the Law; who are apt to spend more time upon Phillis and Cloris, than upon Cook and Littleton. Having taken a Survey of these Infernal Territories, where Vice and Infamy were so long Protected, and Flourish’d without Reproof, to the great Shame and Scandal of a Christian Nation, I shall therefore bestow a few Lines upon this Subject, which I desire the Reader to accept of.

My Friend conducted me from thence, thro’ the little Wicket of a great pair of Gates, which brought us into a stately part of that Learn’d Society, the Temple: This, says my Friend, is called the Kings-Bench Walks, and here are a great many sorts of People, that are now walking to waste their time, who are well worth your Notice: We’ll therefore take two or three turns amongst ’em, and you will find ’em the best Living Library, to instruct Mankind, that ever you met with.

Pray, said I, what do you take those Knot of Gentlemen to be, who are so Merry with one another? They, reply’d my Friend, are Gamesters, waiting to pick up some Young Bubble or other as he comes from his Chamber; they are Men whose Conditions are

subject to more Revolutions than a Weather-Cockt or the uncertain Mind of a Fantastical Woman. They are seldom two Days in one and the same Station; they are one Day very Richly Drest, and perhaps out at Elbows the next; they have often a great deal of Money, and are as often without a Penny in their Pockets; they are as much Fortunes Bubbles, as Young Gentlemen are theirs; for what ever Benefits she bestows upon ’em with one Hand, she snatches away with t’other; their whole Lives are a Lottery, they read no Books but Cards, and all their Mathematicks is to truly understand the Odds of a Bet; they very often fall out, but very seldom Fight, and the way to make ’em your Friends, is to Quarrel with them; they are Men who have seldom occasion to pare their Nails, for they most commonly keep them short by Biting of them;- they generally begin every Year with the same Riches; for the Issue of their Annual Labours, is chiefly to Enrich the Pawn-Broker; they are seldom in Debt, because no Body will Trust ’em; and they never care to Lend Money, because they know not where to Borrow it. A Pair of False Dice, and a Pack of Mark’d Cards sets ’em up; and an Hours Unfortunate Play commonly breaks ’em; they are nearly related to Madmen; for they have generally more raving Fits in a day than a Bedlamite, at which times they are as profuse in their Oaths, as a Young Scholar is of his Latin. They generally Die Intestate; and go as Poor out of the World as they came into it.

You have given me a very pretty Character of ’em. But, pray, what sort of Blades are those in Antiquated Piss burnt Wigs, whose Clothes hang upon their Backs, as if they were not made for em; who walk with abundance of Circumspection? I’ll tell you, says my Friend, they are a Kind of Hangers-on upon the Warden of the Fleet, and the Marshal of the Kings-Bench. They pretend to have an Interest with them in the procuring of Liberty for Prisoners remov’d by Habeas Corpus: Who cunningly, by these Strategems Dive into your Circumstances, and Report ’em to the Warden or Marshal, who know the better how to deal with yon, and screw you up to the utmost Doit you are able to afford him. They are a kind of Soli­citors in this sort of business; who, while they are pretending to serve you, are subtely contriving a Treacherous way to pick your Pocket; and if any Person makes his escape, they are very diligent in their Enquiries after him; and if they make discovery, do privately dispatch Intelligence to the Keepers afore-said, for which they are Rewarded. Them are a par­cel of as honest Fellows love, as ever Cut the Throat of a Friend, or Rob’d their own Father. For a Crown, or Half a Piece, they will give any Bailiff a Cast of their Office, in Dogging or Setting, even those of their own Acquaintance, to whom they profess the greatest Friendship. They are also very Serviceable Agents in a Bad Cause; if they can Say or Swear any thing that will do your Business a Kindness, they will at any time, for a small Fee, strain a Point to your Assistance. They are generally Tradesmen, brought into Poverty by Negligence and their own Profuseness; and by Poverty and Imprisonment, have arriv’d to the Unhappy Knowledge of these Shameful Undertakings. They are Men whose Liberty is owing to a long Confinement, or the Keepers Clemency; and when ever they Die, the Warden or Marshal make Dice of their Bones, to

secure themselves from the Suit of their Creditors.

I Observe, said I, there are another sort of Men, that appear something like Gentlemen, with Meagre Jaws and Dejected Countenances; each walking sing­ly and looking as Peevishly as if the Blind Jilt and he, thro’ a mutual dislike, were Frowning on each other.

Those you must know, says my Friend, are Gentle­Men in Distress; some coming to their Estates so Ear­ly, before they had Sense enough to preserve ’em, have been Bubbled by the Town Parasites, Taverns, Whores and Sharpers, till reduced to Misery, and made the sad Examples of their own Extravagance; and are now waiting with a hungry Belly, to fasten upon some Old Acquaintance for a Dinner, who dreads the sight of one of ’em, as much as a Debtor does a Bailiff: But because he knew his Family and him in Prosperity, thinla himself oblig’d now and then to give him a Meal, or relieve him with the Gift of a Shilling, which he takes with as humble an Acknowledgement as a poor Parson does a Dinner from his Patron, or a Tradesman the Pay­ment of a Bill from a Courtiers Steward.

There’s another sort among them, who were Born Gentlemen, and bred up in Idleness, whose Parents had the Care by way of prevention, to spend their Estates them­selves, and leave their issue nothing to trust to. These, some of them, are Pensioners to the Petticoat, some Boretto-Men at the Groom-Porters; and some Flatterers and Smoothers, who support themselves by bringing others into the like Unhappiness; and those amongst them of the meekest Spirits, are Relation-Punishers, who have Patience enough to bear a Reproof at Dinner, without spoiling their Appe­tites.

As my Friend and I was walking upon the Grand Parade, I observ’d abundance of Mask’d Ladies, with rumpled Hoods and Scarffs, their hands charg’d with Papers, Band-Boxes, and Rowls of Parchment, Frisk in and out of their Stair-Cases, like Conies in a War­ren, Bolting from their Burrows. Said I to my Friend, do you think all these Women are Madam Black-acres, and come thither about Law Business, that we see trip­ping backwards and forwards so very nimbly? No, no, reply’d my Companion; these are Ladies that came

to receive Fees, instead of giving any. They have now extraordinary Business upon their Hands, with many of the Young Lawyers, tho’ nothing in Relati­on to the Law; for you must know these are Nymphs of Delight, who only carry Papers in their Hands for a Blind, who are such considerable Dealers they can afford to give Credit for a whole Vacation, and now, in Term-time, they are Industrious in pic­king up their Debts. You are now, I’ll assure you, in one of the greatest places of Trade in Town, for Dealing in that sort of Commodity; for most La­dies, who, for want of Fortunes, despair of Husbands, and are willing to give themselves up to Mans use, without the dull confinement of Matrimony, come hi­ther to be truly Qualified for their Mercenary Under­taking; and by that time any Condescending Nymph has had a Months Conver­sation with the Airy Blades of this Honourable Society, she will doubtless find her self as well fitted for the Employment, as if she had a Twelve-months Educati­on under the most Experienc’d Bawd in Christendom; and if you ever chance to meet with any of our Trading Madams, and ask who De­bauch’d her; it’s ten to one but her Answer will be, a Gentleman of the Temple. But whether it be mat­ter of Fact, that those Sins are justly laid to their Charge, or whether it is only the Ambition of the Jilt, to have you think she Sacrific’d her Virginity to the use of so worthy a Society, I won’t presume to determine: Tho’ I confess, I think it reasonable to believe, that our forward Ladies are more apt to Dedicate their Honours to an Inns-of-Court than else where, for three Reasons. First, As they are the Flower of our Gen­try. Secondly, As the greatness of their Number affords variety of Choice. And Thirdly, As they have the best Conveniences for Consummating Debauchery without dread or danger.

Pray, said I, what Noun-Substantive Flat-Cap of a House is this, so very different from all the rest of the Buildings? My Friend told me ’twas the Queens-Bench-Office, where, says he, they Sell broken Latin much dearer than Physicians do their Visits, or Apo­thecaries their Physick. Time, you know, has been always valued as a precious Commodity by all Men, but here they sell their Minutes at as Extravagant a Rate as Great Men do their Curtesies, and won’t let four Fingers and a Thumb, run once cross a Slip of Paper, but by Virtue of a Hocus Pocus Custom, call’d The Fees of the Office, they’ll Conjure two or three Half Crowns out of your Pocket, and won’t put their Tongues to the trouble of giving you either a Why, or a Wherefore for it.

Being wonderfully pleased with the Prospect of the Thames, the Beauty of the Buildings, and the Airiness and Spaciousness of the Court, I began to look about me with no little Satisfaction; and gazing round, I espied the Sun-Dial, subscrib’d with this Motto, Be gone about your Business. Pray, said I, to my Companion, what wonderful Mystery lies hid in these Words; for surely so Learned a Society would never have chose a Sentence for this purpose, but what should be very Significant, and I cannot, for my Life, under­stand the meaning on’t; for certain they intend

something extraordinary by it, not intelligible in a common Capacity. Truly, said my Friend, ’tis something that no Body cou’d ever find out, for I never could hear it would admit of any other Application, or Construction than what is render’d by the Literal Sense. No, said I, then I think who ever plac’d it here, deserves to be Bogg’d for putting such an Affront upon so Honourable a Society? For I remember when I was a School-Boy, those very Words were the Burthen of a Ballad; Poh, poh, says my Friend, you only Jest with me. Upon my Word, said I, ’tis very true, and I can, my self, repeat some Stanza’s of it, which are these.

Certainly, says my Friend, if the Benchers had e­ver heard this Merry Ditty, they would not have thought it Consistent with their Gravity, to have chose the Chorus for a Motto; I cannot but conceive they have shew’d a blind side in patting to Imperative Fustian in so Publick a Place, as if they design’d to Coniure Loiterers out of the Walks, as a Jugler does his Balls from under his Cups, with a Presto be gone. I think it’s a great Dishonour to a Learned Society, that they could find no apt Phraisc to serve so poor a purpose; but to be to sadly puzzled at so ordinary a Talk, as to use to bold and naked a Sentence, such a thread-bare scrap of English too, which is now become the Common Jest, and Ridicule of every mean Mechanick.

From thence we went towards the Hall, and turn’d in at a dark Entry that brought us into a Cloister or Piazza; where a parcel of Grave Blades, Gown’d and Banded, with Green Snap-Sacks in their Hands, were so busily talking Alphabetically, about A. marrying of B. and how they begat two Sons, C. and D. and how C. being the Elder Brother, Married E, by whom he had two Daughters, F. and G. &c. So that I thought they had been examining into the Genealgy of the Christ-cross-Row; I listening all the while with great Attention, expecting I should have heard the Original rise of every Individual Mark, or Letter, and how they begot one another from A. to Z. thro’ out the Alphabet, till my Friend told me ’twas their Method of Stating a Case, which made me blush at my Ignorance, Heads, Tongues, Feet and Hands were all moving, which occasion’d me to fancy, their reading so much Law French, had inspir’d ’em with the Gallick Grace of so much Action in their Talk.

We left these debating the weighty Difference between John of Oaks and John of Stiles, and marched forward, till we came into the Inward Temple,Inward Temple: the Spy seems to mistake the Middle Temple for the Inner Temple. as my

Friend inform’d me, where we had a fine Prospect of a Stately Hall, and Pleasant Fountain; here we also found walking sundry sorts of Peripateticks; some, I believe, thro’ good Husbandry, having chose the broad Stones for the prevention of the Rough Gravel wear­ing out of their Shoe-Soles; others for the ease of their Corns; and some Country Clients, with Gray Coats and long Staves, I suppose, desired to walk there by their Lawyers, whilst their Business was dispatch’d, because they should not spoil their Chamber Floors with their Hob-nails. Here and there amongst ’em was a creeping Old Fellow with so Religious a Countenance, that he look’d as if he had spent more Pounds in Law, than ever he Read Letters in the Gospel; and had paid in his time, as much Money for Declarations, Pleas, Orders and Executions, Subpena’s Injunctions, Bills, Answers and Decrees, as ever it Cost him in the Maintenance of his Family.

Now, says my Friend, I believe we are both tired with the Labours of the Day; let us therefore Dedicate the latter part purely to our Pleasure, take a Coach and go see May-Fair. Would you have me, said I, undergo the Punishment of a Coach again, when you know I was so great a Sufferer by the last, that it made my Bones rattle in my Skin, and has brought as many Pains about me, as if troubled with the Rheuma­tism. That was a Country Coach, says he, and only fit for the Road; but London Coaches are hung more loose, to prevent your being Jolted by the Roughness of the Pavement. This Argument of my Friends pre­vail’d upon me, to venture my Carcase a second time to be Rock’d in a Hackney Cradle. So we took Leave of the Temple, turn’d up without Temple-Bar, and there took Coach for the General Rendezvouz afore­mentioned.

By the help of a great many Slashes and Hey-ups, and after as many Jolts and Jumbles, we were drag’d

to the Fair, where the harsh sound of untunable Trum-pets, the Catterwauling Scrapes of Thrashing Fidlers, the Grumbling of beaten Calves-skin, and the discor­ding Toots of broken Organs set my Teeth on Edge, like the Filing of a Hand-Saw, and made my Hair stand as Bolt upright as the Quills of an Angry Por­cupine.

We order’d the Coach to drive thro’ the Body of the Fair, that we might have the better view of the Tinsey Heroes and the gazing Multitude, expecting to have seen several Corporations of stroling Vaga­bonds, but there prov’d but one Company, amongst whom Merry Andrew was very busie in Coaxing the attentive Crowd into a good Opinion of his Frater­nities and his own Performances; and when, with abundance of Labour, Sweat, and Nonsense, he had drawn a great Cluster, of the Mob on his Parade, and Was just beginning to encourage them to Walk in and take their Places; his unlucky Opposite, whose Boarded Theatre Entertain’d the Publick with the wonderful Activity of Indian Rope-Dancers, brings out a couple of Chattering Homunculusses, drest up in Scar­amouch Habit; and every thing that Merry Andrew and his second did on the one side, was mimick’d by the little Flat-nos’d Comediens on the other till the two Diminutive Buffoons, by their Comical Gestures had so prevailed upon the Gaping Throng, that tho’ Merry Andrew had taken pains, with all the Wit he had to Collect the Stragling Rabble into their proper order, yet like unmannerly Audience, they turn’d their Arses upon the Players, and Devoted themselves wholly to the Monkeys, to the Vexation of Tom-Fool, and all the strutting Train of Imaginary Lords and Ladies. At last out comes an Epitome of a Careful Nurse, drest up in a Country Jacket, and under her Arm a Kitten for a Nurslin, and in her contrary Hand a piece of Cheese; down sits the little Matron, with

a very Motherly Countenance, and when her Young­ster Mew’d, she Dandled him, and Rock’d him in her Arms, with as great signs of affections as a loving Mother could well show to a disorder’d Infant; then bites a piece of Cheese, and after she had mumbled it about in her Mouth, then thrust it in with her Tongue into the Kittens, just as I have seen Nasty Old Sluts feed their own Grandchildren. Beyond these were a parcel of Scandalous Boosing-Kens, where Sol­diers and their Trulls were Skipping and Dancing about to most Lamentable Musick, performed upon a Crack’d Crowd by a Blind Fidler. In another Hut, a parcel of Scotch Pedlars and their Moggies, Dancing a Highlanders Jig to a Horn-pipe. Over against ’em the Cheshire-Booth, where a Gentleman’s man was playing more Tricks with his Heels in a Cheshire Round, than ever were shown by the Mad Coffee-Man at Sadlers Musick-House. This intermixt with here and there a Poppet-Show, where a Senseless Dialogue between Punchenello and the Devil, was convey’d to the Ears of the Listening Rabble thro’ a Tin Squeaker, which was thought by some of ’em as great a piece of Conjuration as ever was performed by Dr. Faustus. We now began to look about us, and take a view of the Spectators; but could not, amongst the many Thousands, find one Man that appear’d above the de­gree of a Gentlemans Valet, nor one Whore that could have the Impudence to ask above Six-pence wet and Six-pence dry, for an Hour of her Cur­sed Company. In all the Multitudes that ever I be­held, I never, in my life, saw such a Number of Lazy, Lousie-look’d Rascals, and so hateful a Throng of Beggarly, Sluttish Strumpets, who were a Scandal to the Creation, meer Antidotes against Leachery, and Enemies to Cleanliness. As we were thus ramb­ling thro’ the Fair, a Coach overtakes us, wherein were a couple of more Tolerable Punks, whose Silken

Temptations, and Airy Deportment, gave them a Just Title to a higher Price than the White-Apron Bang-Tails, who were Sweating in the Crowd, could pretend to. An Arch Country Bump­kin having pick’d up a Frog in some of the Adjacent Ditches, peeping into the Coach, as he pass’d by, and being very much Affronted that they hid their Faces with their Masks, Ads blood, says he, you look as Ugly in those black Vizards as my Toad here; e’en get you all together, tossing it into the Coach: At which the fright’ned Lady Birds Squeak’d out open’d the Coach Doors, and leap’d out amongst the Throng to shun the loathsome Companion.

The Adjacent Mob being greatly pleas’d at the Countrymans Unluckiness, set up a Laughing Hol­low, as loud as a Huzza, to make good the Jest, which occasion’d the Coachman to look back, who know­ing nothing of the Matter, and seeing his Fare out of the Coach, thought they were about to bilk him, A­lights out of the Coach Box, and in a great Fury seizes one of them by the Scarf, accosting them in these Words: Z-nds you B—-ches, what would you bilk me? Pay me my Fare, or by Gog and Magog you shall feel the smart of my Whipcord before you go a step further. The poor Harlots endeavoured to satisfie their Angry Charioteer, that they were Women of more Honour than to attempt so ill an Action; telling him, as well as their Surprize would give them leave, the occasion of their Lighting, which would not convince the Cholerick Whore-Driver, who refus’d either to quit his Hold, or suffer them to go again into the Coach, till they had paid him Eighteen-pence, which he de­manded as his Fare; but in the Sequel of the matter, they had it not to give him, presuming to have met with some Cully in the Fair, that might have answer’d their purpose: So that rather than to stand a Vapula­tion, one of them took Notice of his Number, and

gave him her Scarf as a Pledge; notwithstanding which, he refus’d to car­ry them back, I suppose, for fear they might call up­on some Bully or other, that might make him deliver up his Security, without any other Redemption than a Thrash’d Jacket. Thus were the unfortunate Madams dismounted of their Coach, and were forc’d to Mob it on Foot with the rest of their Sisters.

There being nothing further that occur’d, or any thing to be seen, worth Notice, only a Turkey Ram, with as much Wooll upon his Tail as would Load a Wheel-Barrow, and a couple of Tygers, grown now so common they are scarce worth mentioning; I shall therefore con­clude the Account we give you of May-Fair, in these following Lines.

THE
London-Spy.
PART VIII.

FOR want of Glasses to our Coach, having drawn up our Tin-Sashes, pink’d like the bot­tom of a Cullender, that the Air might pass thro’ the Holes, and defend us from Stifling, we were convey’d from the Fair thro’ a Suffocating Cloud of Dusty Atoms, to St. James’s Palace, in Reverence to which we alighted and discharg’d our Grumbling Essedartus, who stuck very close to our Backsides, and mutter’d heavily, according to their old Custom, for t’other Six-pence; till at last, moving us a little beyond our Patience, we gave an Angry Positive Denial to his Unreasonable Importunities; and so parted with our Unconscionable Carrion-Scourger, who we found, like the rest of his Fraternity, had taken up the Miserly Immoral Rule, viz. Never to be satisfied.

We pass’d thro’ a Lofty Porch into the first Court,

where a parcel of Hob-Nail’d Loobies were gazing at the Whales Rib with great Amazement; being busily Consulting what Creature it could be that could pro­duce a Bone of such unusual Magnitude. Who should come by, in this Interim, but a Fingalian Conjurer, posting to (as my Friend supposed) Duke Humphrey’s Walk in the Park to pick his Teeth, and Loiter away his Supper-time. But seeing the Country Hobbies stand gaping at this Puzzling Rarity, he put himself amongst the rest, to deliver his Judgment of this Amazing Object. I pray you, Sir, says one of the Countrymen to him, What sort of Bone do you take this to be? To which the Dear Joy, after taking a little Snush, most Judiciously reply’d, By my should Egra, I believe it is the Jaw bone of the Ash, wid which Shampson Killed the Philischines: And it ish Nail’d up here dat no Body shou’d do any more mischief wid it. I wonder, said another of the Plough-Jobbers, how he could use it, ’tis such a huge unwieldy Weapon? By my Shoul, reply’d Teague, Let Shampson look to dat his own shelfy for it ish none of my Business.

From thence we went thro’ the Palace into the Park, about the time when the Court Ladies raise their Extended Limbs from their Downy Couches, and walk into the Mall to refresh their Charming Bodies with the Cooling and Salubrious Breezes of the Gild­ed Evening. We could not possibly have chose a Luckier Minute, to have seen the Delightful Park, in its greatest Glory and Perfection; for, the Brightest Stars of the Creation sure (that ever shone by no other Power than Humane Excellence) were moving here, with such an Awful State and Majesty, that their Graceful Deport­ments bespoke ’em Goddesses. Such Merciful Looks were thrown from their Engaging Eyes upon every Admiring Mortal; so free from Pride, Envy, or Con­tempt, that they seem’d, contrary to Experience, to be sent into the World to Compleat its Happiness. The wonderful Works of Heaven were here to be Read in Beauties Characters. Such Elegant Compositions might

be observ’d among the Female Quality, that it’s impossible to conceive otherwise than that such Heavenly Forms were perfected after the Unerring Image of Divine Excellence. I could have gaz’d for ever with unexpressible delight, finding in every Lovely Face, and Magnificent Behaviour, something still new to raise my Admiration, with due Regard to Heaven, for imparting to us such shews of Coelestial Harmony, in that most Beautiful and Curious Creature, Woman.

Tho’ I was greatly affected with the Majestick De­portment of the Female Sex, each looking with a Pre­sence as well worthy of Diana’s Bow, or Bellona’s Shield, as the Golden Apply of Venus; yet I could by no means reconcile my self to the Sheepish Humility of their Cringing Worshippers, who were Guilty of so much Idolatry to the Fair Sex, that I thought the Laws of the Creation were greatly Transgressed, and that Man had dwindled from his first Power and Authority in­to Pusillanimity and Luxury; and had suffered Deceitful Women to Cozen him of his Prerogative. For the Men look’d so Effeminate, and shew’d such Cowardly Tameness by their Extravagant Submission, as if they

wanted Courage to Exercise that Freedom which they had a just Title to use. It seem’d to me as if the World was turn’d Top-side-turvey; for the Ladies look’d like undaunted Heroes, fit for Government or Battle, and the Gentlemen, like a parcel of Fawning, Flattering Fops, that could bear Cuckoldom with Pa­tience, make a Jest of an Affront and Swear themselves very Faithful and Humble Servants to the Petticoat: Creeping and Cringing, in Dishonour to themselves, to what was Decreed by Heaven their Inferiours; as if their Education had been amongst Monkeys, who (as it is said) in all cases give the Preheminence to their Females.

Having thus seen what the Mall afforded, we stept over its boarded Bounds into Duke Humphrey’s Walk, as my Friend inform’d me, where he show’d me abun­dance of our Neighbouring Bull-Factors, distinguisha­ble by their flat Noses and broad Faces, who were walking away their Leasure Hours beneath the Umbrage of the Lime-Trees; and Crawl about backwards and forwards, like so many Stragling Caterpillars in a Grove of Sycamores, who, for want of other Food, are ready to Devour the very Leaves that bred them: So these look’d as sharp as if they were ready to swal­low their best Friends for want of other Subsistance. This Walk, says my Friend, is a rare Office of Intelli­gence for a Woman as Rich as Lewd, to furnish herself with a Gallant that will stick as close as a Crab-Louse to her Nunquam Satis; if she will but allow him good Cloaths, three Meals a Day, and a little Money for Usquebaugh. If she like him when she has him, she need not fear losing him as long as she’s worth a Groat; for they are very constant to any Body that has Money, and will measure out their Affections by her Generosity: And she will surely find (at her own cost) that nothing but her Poverty will make him look out for a new Mistress. The worthy Gentlemen

who chiefly frequent this Sanctuary, are Non-Commis­sion Officers, I mean not such who have lost their Commissions, but such as Never had any; and yet would be very angry should you refuse to Honour them with the Title of Captain, tho’ they never so much as trail’d a Pike towards the deserving it.

From thence we took a walk upon the Parade which my Friend told me, us’d in a Morning, to be cover’d with the Bones of Red-Herrings; and smelt as strong about Breakfast time, as a Wet-salters Shop at Midsummer. But now, says he, its perfum’d again with English Breath; and the scent of Oronoko Tobacco no more offends the Nostrils of our Squeamish Ladies, who may now pass backwards and forwards free from all such Nusances; and, if with Child, without the danger of being frightened at a terrible pair of Dutch Whis­kers.

From thence we walk’d up to the Canal, where Ducks were frisking about the Water, and standing upon their Heads; showing as many Tricks in their Liquor as a Bartholo­mew-Fair Tumbler. Said I to my Friend, Her Ma­jesties Ducks are wond’rous merry. He replying, well they may, for they are always Tipling. We then took a view of the fam’d Figure of the Gladiator, which indeed is well worthy of the place it stands in; for the Exactness of its Proportion, the true placing and expressing of the Exterior Muscles, Veins, and Arte­ries show such a perfection of Art, that justly deserves our Admiration. Behind this Figure, upon the Foot of the Pedestal, my Friend and I sat down to please our Eyes with the Prospect of the most delightful A­quaduct, and to see its Feather’d Inhabitants the Ducks, divert us with their sundry Pastimes. In which Interim who should come up to the Front of the Gla­diator, but two or three merry Buxom Ladies, who, I suppose, by their Exceptions against the Statue, were Women of no little Experience, but very Competent

Judges of what they pretended to be Judges of. One of them more forward to Arraign the Artist than the rest, (not knowing we were behind) express’d herself with abundance of Scorn and Contempt, after this man­ner, viz. Is this the fine proportion’d Figure I have heard my Husband so often brag on? It’s true, his Legs and Arms are strong and Manly; But, look, Cousin, what a Bauble it has got! with that my Friend starts up, You must consider, Ladies (says he) in the time when this was made, Women did not wear their Consciences so large as they do now-a-days. At which, like a Com­pany of Merry Wag-Tails, they run away Tittering and Laughing, as if they thought us under the same Predicament with the Statue.

We arose from thence, and walk’d up by the De­coy, where Meanders glide so smoothly beneath their Osier Canopies, that the calm Surface seem’d to express; nothing Inhabited this Wat’ry Place but Peace and Silence. I could have wish’d my self capable of Living Obscure from Mankind in this Element like a Fish, pure­ly to have enjoy’d the Pleasure of so delightful a Flu­minous Labyrinth, whose Intricate Turnings so con­found the Sight, that the Eye is still in search of some new Discovery, and never satisfied with the Tempting Variety so Artificially order’d within so little a Compass.

We turn’d up from thence into a long Lime-Walk, where both Art and Nature had carefully pre­serv’d the Trees in such exact Proportion to each other, that a Man would guess by their appearance, they all aspire in height, and spread in Breadth to just the same Dimensions; and confine their Leaves and Branches to an equal Number. Beneath whose shady In­fluence were Pensive Lovers whispering their Affections to their Mistresses, and Breathing out Dispairing Sighs of their desired Happiness. Here also were the Tender Offspring of Nobility Handed by their fresh-look’d Nurses to Strengthen and Refresh their Feeble Joints, with air and Exercise, suitable to their Childish Weakness;

and some having started more forward in their In­fancy, were Accompanied with their Tutors, showing such Manliness in their Presence, and such Promises of Vertue in their Propitious Looks at Ten or a Do­zen Years of Age, that they seem’d already Fortified with Grace, Learning and Wisdom against the Worlds Corruptions.

The Termination of this Delectable Walk was a Knot of Lofty Elms, by a Pond side; round some of which were Commodious Seats, for the Tired Ambulators to refresh their Weary Pedestals. Here a par­cel of old worn-out Cavaliers were Conning over the Civil-Wars; and looking back into the History of their past Lives, to moderate their Anxiety and Infir­mities of Age, with pleasing Reflections on their Youth­ful Actions.

Amongst the rest, a Country Curmudgeon was a stand­ing with his Back-side against a Tree, leaning forward on his Oaken Companion, his Staff; and staring to­wards the Top of a high Adjacent Elm, Pray, said I, Friend, what is it you are so Earnestly looking at? Who answer’d me, At yonder Birds-Nest. I further ask’d him what Birds-Nest is it? Who reply’d What a foolish Question you asken me! Why, did you ever know any thing but Rooks build so near the Queens Palace? Whose Inno­cent Return put my Friend and I into a Laughter. I asked him if he did not think they were Noble Trees? Yes, zure, says he, if the Kings Trees should not be Noble, pray whose should? I mean, said I, don’t they Thrive and Spread finely? They have nothing else to do, says he, as I know on; everything thrives that stands upon Crown Land, zure, and so does my Landlord.

Having now seen chiefly what the Park afforded, we sat our selves down beneath the Pleasant Umbrage of this most Stately Arbour by the Pond side, where I Compos’d this following Acrostick on Saint James’s Park, at the Readers Service.

When by an Hours Enjoyment we had render’d the Beauty of the Park but dull and flat to our Pall’d Ap­petites, we began to think of some new Object that ought to Feast and Refresh our tired Senses with Plea­sures yet untasted, accordingly we took our Leaves of the Park, with the same wil-ingness as Lovers turn their Backs upon their Mistresses, when by too vigorous a Repetition of his kindnesses to engage her Affections, he has turned the Delight into a Servile Drudgery. We went thro’ a narrow Passage that directed us towards Westminster, in order to take a view of that Ancient and Renown’d Structure, the Abby, to which I was an utter Stranger. When we came in sight of this Sacred Edifice, I could not behold the out-side of the Awful Pile with­out Rev’rence and Amazement. Which was rais’d to that stupendous height, and Beautified with such Ornamental Statues, that the bold stroaks of excellingAr-

Artists,tists, will always remain visible: The whole seeming to want nothing that could render it truly Venerable. We pass’d by that Emblem of Mortality the Charnel-House, where Poets, Priests, Pimps and Porters, lay their empty Heads together, without Envy or Di­stinction. And on the North-side enter’d the Mag­nificent Temple, with equal wonder and satisfaction, which entertain’d our sight with such worthy Monu­ments, and astonishing Antiquities, that we knew not which way to direct our Eyes, each Object was so en­gaging. We took a general survey of all that’s to be seen in the open parts of the Church, where almost every Stone gives a brief History of the Memorable Actions due to their Pious Ashes to whom the Ta­ble appertaineth. By this time the Bells began to Chime for Afternoon Prayers, and the Quire was opened, into which we went amongst many others to pay with Rev’rence, that Duty that becomes a Chri­stian: Where our Souls were Elevated by the Divine Harmony of the Musick, far above the common pitch of our Devotions, whose Heavenly Accents have so sweet an Influence upon a Contrite Heart, that it strengthens our Zeal, fortifies the loose Imagination against wandring Thoughts, and gives a Man a taste of Immortal Blessings upon Earth, before he is tho­roughly prepar’d for the true Relish of Coelestial Comforts.

When we had given our Souls the Refreshment of this Enlivening Exercise, we made an Entrance into the East-end of the Abby, which is kept Lock’d, and pay’d a Visit to the Venerable Shrines and Sacred Monuments of the Dead Nobility; where the Vertues, and Mag­nanimous Actions of our Heroick Princes are convey­ed to their Posterity, by the sundry Inventions of our Ingenious Ancestors, as Epitaphs, Effigies, Arms, Em­blems and Hieroglyphicks.

When we had satisfied our selves with a view of

these Ancient Curiosities, we ascended some Stone Steps, which brought us to a Chappel, that may just­ly claim the Admiration of the whole Universe, such inimitable Perfections are apparent in every part of the whole Composure, which looks so far exceeding Hu­mane Excellence, that a Man would think it was knit together by the Fingers of Angels, pursuant to the directions of Omnipotence.

From thence we were conducted by our little Guide to King Charles the Seconds Effigies: And as much as he excell’d his Predecessors in Mercy, Wisdom and Liberality, so does his Effigies exceed the rest in Live­liness, Proportion and Magnificence.

Having now satisfied our Curiosities with a sight of what was chiefly Admirable, we came again into the Body of the Church, where my Friend and I began to consider of some things which we did not think were consistent with Reason, or the Glory of that Power, to whom the Holy Pile is Dedicated, which are these.

1. That the Parish Poor of St. Margarets should be suffered to Beg within the Abby, even in Prayer-time.

2. That those who are Chosen as particular Agents in the Service of God, should be permitted to Sing in the Play-House.

3. That the Monuments should be defac’d, some with their Hands off, and some with their Feet off, lying by them without Reparation.

4. That Women should have Hebrew, Greek, and Latin Epitaphs, who never understood a Word of the Languages.

5. That Ben Johnson should want a Tomb; and lye Buried from the rest of the Poets.

6. That the Monument of Esquire Thin, whose Death was so Remarkable, should be without any Inscription.

Having now satisfied our Senses with the sight of the sundry Curiosities contain’d within this Reverend Building, being Term time, we steer’d our Course towards Westminster-Hall: But just as we came out of the North Porticum of the Abby, a Company of Train­bands were drawn up in the Yard, in order to give their Captain a parting Volley, I could not forbear laughing to see so many Greasie Cooks, Tun-bellied Lick-spiggots, and Fat wheesing Butchers, sweating in their Buff Doublets, under the Command of some fiery­fac’d Brewer, whose Godgel Gut was Hoop’d in with a Golden Sash, which the Clod-scull’d Hero became as well as one of his Dray-Horses would an Embroi­der’d Saddle. When the True Blue Officer (over thoughtful of Hops and Grains) had by two or three mistaken Words of Command hustled his Couragious Company in close Confusion, instead of Order, he bid ’em Make Ready; which made half of them change Colour, and show as much Cowardice in Cocking of their Muskets, as if half a dozen Turks had fac’d ’em and frighted ’em with their Whiskers. Then the No­ble Captain advancing his Silver-headed Cane, formal­ly held over his Head between both his Hands, gave the terrible Word Fire, popping down his Noddle like a Goose under a Barn-door, to defend his Eye-sight from the Flashes of the Gunpowder. In which Interim, such an amazing Clap of Thunder was sent forth from their Rusty Kill-Devils, that it caused fear and trembling amongst all those that made it; for which the little Boys gave them the Honour of a great Hallow; and away trudg’d the founder’d Soldiers home to their Wives, well satisfied.

We then march’d forwards towards the Palace-Yard, which we found as full of Hackney-Coaches, as Greys-Inn-Walks of Hackney-Whores on a Sunday after Ser­mon; standing rank and file in as much order as if they had been Marshal’d by the Fleet-street Deadmon­

Deadmongerger ready for a Funeral. When we had made more Turnings and Windings amongst the Coaches, than ever were known in Fair Rosamonds Bower, we arriv’d at the Hall-Gate, withinside of which innu­merable Crowds of Contending Mortals were swarm’d at every Bar, where the black Syrens of the Law, with Silver Tongues and Gilded Palms, were Charming the Ears of the Judges with their Rhetorical Musick. We first gave our Attention at the Common-Pleas, where my Friend and I were much Delighted, sometimes with Elegant Speeches from the Bench, as well as the Pleasing Eloquence and Powerful Reasonings at the Bar.

There happen’d an Old Yeoman to be a Witness in one Cause, that had Sworn very heartily and knowing­ly in a matter of great Antiquity, so that the Council, on the Opposite side, ask’d him How Old he was? To which he answered, at first, Gravely in these words, I am Old enough to be your Father; and therefore I hope, Young Man, you will give that Respect to my Gray Hairs that is due to ’em? That, reply’d the Councel, is no Answer to my Question. I desire to know how many Years Old you account your self; for I am very apt to believe you have Sworn positively to some things that are beyond your Knowledge. I would have you consider, Sir, says the Old Gentleman, I am a very great Age: I am in my Four­score and Seventeenth Year, and yet, I thank God for it, I have Memory and Sense enough left still to make a Knave an Answer. With that the Court burst into a Laugh­ter, which dash’d the Lawyer out of Countenance, and made him asham’d of making any further Interroga­tives.

From thence we mov’d towards the upper-end of the Hall, thro’ such a Crowd of Jerry Black-Acres, that we were shov’d about like a couple of Owls, fallen into a Company of Rooks and Jackdaws. As we were thus squeezing along towards the Chancery-Bar, a couple of

Country Fellows met, and Greeted one another after the following manner, How d’ye, Neighbour, says the one, Is your Suit ended yet? No, trowly, says the other, nor can any Body tell when it wool. To spaik the Truth, Neigh­bour, I believe my Returney’s a Knave. How shid a be otherwise, replyed the first, for thou seeth there are so many of ’em here, that its impossible they shid Live Honestly one by another.

We were now got to the Chancery, where so many smooth Tongues were so vigorously contending for Equity, that we found, by their Long Harangues, and Strenuous Arguments, it was not to be obtain’d with little difficulty. Whilst we were giving our Attention to that engaging Harmony, which flow’d with such a careless fluency from their well tun’d Instruments of Oratory, a Cause was call’d on, wherein a Taylor hap­pen’d to be a chief Witness; the Council on the other side, knowing his Profession, took an occasion to give him this Caution, viz. I understand, Friend, you are by Trade a Taylor: I would Advise you to use more Conscience in your Depositions, than you do in your Bills, or else we shall none of us believe you. Truly, Sir, says the Taylor, our Trade, I must confess, does lye under a great Scandal; but if you and I were in a Room together, and the Devil should come in and ask for a Thief and a Lyer, I wonder which of his should be most Frightened.

We adjourn’d from thence to the Queens-Bench-Bar, where two Pleaders, very eager in dispute, were mix­ing their Arguments with some Reflections one upon another. A Countryman happening to stand just by us, seem’d mightily pleas’d to hear ’em at such variance; at last, being unable to contain himself any long­er, breaks out into these Words, viz. Well said, Efaith; this, I hope, will make the Old Proverb good, That when Knaves fall out, Honest Men will come by their Right. A little after, one of the Council, in a heat, happen’d to say rashly, If what he had offer’d was not Law, he’dJusti-

Justifyfy the Law to be a Lottery. Upon which the Countryman says, I wish heartily it was so, for then it would be put down by the late Act of Parliament; and I should fling away no more Money at it; for I am sure it has kept me and my Family as Poor as Job this Fifteen Years.

From thence we walk’d down by the Sempstresses, who were very nicely Digitising and pleating Turno­vers and Ruffles for the Young Students, and Coaxing them with their Amorous Looks, Obliging Cant, and Inviting Gestures, to give so Extravagant a Price for what they Buy, that they may now and then afford to fling them a Nights Lodging into the Bargain.

We now began to take Notice of the Building, which to me seem’d as Noble as ’twas Ancient: And looking upwards, could do no less than greatly admire the Timber Roof, being finely built after the Gothick Order. But that which was chiefly to be observ’d in it, was the cleanliness thereof, it being as free from Dust and Cobwebs, as it ’twas rais’d but Yesterday. Which, says my Friend, occasions some People to con­jecture it is Built with Irish Oak, to which is ascrib’d this Miraculous Virtue, viz. That no Spiders, or any such sort of Nauseous, or Offensive Insects, will ever breed or hang about it. And, said I, are you apt to give Credit to this Vulgar Error; and attribute its Cleanness to any Quality of the Wood? No, says he, I am apt to believe all such Notions to be Vain and Fa­bulous; and that its continuing free from all such Nasty Vermin, proceeds from another Reason. Pray, said I, let’s hear your Conjecture concerning it? For I assure you, I look upon it to be very strange that a Wooden Roof of such Antiquity, should be so very free of all that Filth which is most commonly collected in such Old Fabricks. Why, then, says he, I’ll frankly tell you my Opinion, which if it seems Incongruous to your Reason, I hope you will be so Friendly as to ex­cuse my Weakness. You must consider, says he, that

the Young Lawyers are unhappily liable to abundance of Mischances, and often require the use of Mercury to Repair their Members, some subtile Particles of which being emitted with their Breath, ascended by their Volatility to the top of the Hall, where it Condenses it self, and lies sublim’d upon the Beams; and so by its Pois’nous Quality renders the Roof Obnoxious to all Vermin. For this is certainly true, that let a­ny Person that has taken a Mercurial Dose, but Breath upon a Spider, and it will dye immediately. This, said I, from a Surgeon, is well enough; for Men of your Profession may take the Liberty of talking like Apothecaries, and not be Censur’d for it. But I think you have fitted me with a piece of as dark Philosophy as any’s to be found in Aristotles Master-piece. Meet­ing with nothing further, much worth our Observati­on, I think it may not be improper to conclude our Remarks of this Place with the Character of a Petty­fogger.

He’s an Amphibious Monster, that partakes of two Natures, and those contrary: He’s a great Lover both of Peace and Enmity; and has no sooner set People together by the Ears, but is Soliciting the Law to make an end of the Difference. His Mother ther was a Scold, and he was begot in a time when his Father us’d the Act more for Quietness sake than Procreation. His Lear­ning is commonly as little as his Honesty; and his Conscience much larger than his Green-Bag. His Affection to the Law proceeds from the Litigiousness of his Ancestors, who brought the Family to Beggary. Therefore there is nothing he abhors more than Poverty in a Client. He is never more Proud than when he has a Fee for a Topping Council; and would make any Body believe Sergeant such a one and he are as great as the Devil and the Earl of Kent. He gets Money in Term-time by sitting in a Tavern, for every Client that comes in he makes pay Six-pence a Glass, till he has Sold a Quart or two at that rate,

and puts the over-plus in his Pocket, he seems always as busie as a Merchant in Change time; and if ever a Cause is carried that he’s concern’d in, he tells you its owing to his Management. He’s a great Lover of Veal, thro’ the Respect he has for Calves-skin: And admires the wonderful Works of the Bee, more for the Wax than Honey. He’s a Man of such Justice, that he loves all things should be done according to the Law; and calls every Body Fool that pays a Debt till he has forc’d the Creditor to prove it in some of the Courts at Westminster. Unlike the rest of Mankind, he hates Peace in his Neighbourhood; and looks up­on it that he sits Rent-free, if he but be happily seat­ed among Wrangling Neighbours, catch him in what Company soever, you will always hear him Stating of Cases, or telling what Notice my Lord Chancellor took of him, when he beg’d leave to supply the Deficiency of his Council. He always talks with as great assurance as if he understood what he pretends to know: And always wears a Band, in which lies his Gravity and Wisdom. He concerns himself with no Justice but the Justice of a Cause: And for making an Unconscionable Bill, he outdoes a Taylor. He is so well read in Physiognomy, that he knows a Knight of the Post by his Countenance; and if your Busi­ness requires the Service of such an Agent, he can pick you up one at a small Warning. He is very understanding in the Business of the Old-Baily; and knows as well how to Fee a Jury-man, as he does a Barrister. He has a rare knack at putting in Broom­stick-Bail;Broomstick-Bail: fraudulent bail; bail that is worth straw. and knows a great many more ways to keep a Man out of his Money, than he does to get it him. He’s very diligent in Business where Moneys to be got, and runs backward and forwards between the Lawyer and the Client, as a Rocket upon a string between two Posts. Tricks and Quirks he calls the Cunning part of the Law; and that Attorney that

practices the most Knavery, is the Man for his Money. His Study is Abroad, his Learning all Experience, and his Library in his Pocket, which is always stuffed with as many Papers, as Poet Bays in the Re­hearsal. He puts more Faith in the Law, than he does in the Gospel; and knows no other Religion than to get Money he thinks nothing a Breach of Charity, but Starving of a good Cause; and has often that Text of Scripture in his Mouth, viz. The Labourer is worthy of his Hire: Which is as much as to say, he would not waste time to Read a Chapter in the Bi­ble without being paid for it. He’s also a great News Monger, and all Publick Reports must occur to his Knowledge, for his Business lies most in a Coffee-House, and the greatest of his Diversion is in Reading the News Papers. He is commonly a great Smoker, and will Walk half a Mile to a Tobacconists where he thinks he may have six Corns more than ordinary for his Penny. Meet him wheresoever in Term-Time, and ask him whether go you? And his answer shall be To Westminster. And, indeed, you may find him in the Hall much oftner than he that has ten times the business there; for he is one of those that loves to hear how other Peoples matters go, tho’ it does not at all concern him. There’s nothing he Abominates more than to be thought Negligent; and has no other Ver­tue to boast on truly, but his Diligence; for no Man shall be more watchful in another’s Ruin than himself. In short, he’s a Caterpillar upon Earth, who grows Fat upon the Fruits of others Labour. A meer Horse-Leach in the Law, that when once he is well fasten’d, will suck a poor Client into a deep Consumption.

Having thus taken Notice of most things Remark­able in the Hall, we made our Exit from thence, and cross’d the Palace-Yard, on the East side of which, lay the Reliques of Westminster Stone Clock-Case, in a con­fused heap of Ruin. There’s nothing, says my Friend,

concerns me more, than to see any piece of Antiquity Demolish’d. It always puts me in mind of the Igno­ble Actions of the Sanctified Rebels in the late Domestick Troubles, who made it their Business to deface Old Images; and with Sacrilegious Hands throw down the Urns, and spoil the Monuments of the Dead: A Base and Inglorious Revenge, to gratifie their Cho­lerick Zeal, by Robbing their own Native Country of its Ancient Beauties: A Crime Abominated by the most Savage and Unpolished People in the whole Uni­verse; and that Christians should be Guilty of such Bar­barity, that is held detestable amongst the worst of Heathens, is very strange. I speak not this, says he, to Reflect upon the Destruction of this Old Steeple, which was wholly useless when they had removed the Clock to St. Pauls, which indeed is far more worthy of so Ponderous a Bell, that affords so Grave a Sound, than the Place it stood in.

The common People have a Notion (but of no Au­thority as I know on) that this Bell was paid for by a Fine Levy’d upon some Judge, for the Unlawful De­termination of some weighty Affair, in which he suf­fer’d himself to be Brib’d to Partiality; and that it was converted to the use of a Clock, with this Moral Intent, that when ever it struck, it might be a warn­ing to all succeeding Magistrates in the Courts at Westminster, how they do Injustice. But if it were so, the Judges and Lawyers, in this more Religious Age, are so free from Corruption, that they need no other Motives or Memorandums to discharge their Trust with Unbiassed Honesty, than the Unerring Dictates of their own Good Conscience, so that my loud Mouth’d Name-sake might very well be spared to a better pur­pose, and hang within the hearing of all the Cuckolds in the City, to call their Wives twice a Day to Pray­ers, that they may ask Forgiveness for the great Injury they did their Husbands the last opportunity:

And also to proclaim, by the Gravity of its Sound, the Greatness of that Huge, huge, huge Cathedral, which is only big enough to hold more Souls than West­minster-Abby, tho’ it is not half so handsome; and that’s all, says my Friend, that can be said on’t.

From the Palace-Yard we mov’d on Progressively, till we came to the Tennis-Court, but could not for my Life imagine what place that could be hung round with such a deal of Net-work; at last, thinks I, I have heard of such a place as a Plot-Office: I fancy this must be it, and those are the Projecters Nets to catch such Jacobite Fools who have no more Wit than to be drawn into the design. But however, not well satisfied with my own Notion, I thought it proper to enquire of my Friend, before I told him my Sentiments, lest thro’ an Innocent mis­take, I should give him just occasion to Laugh at my Ignorance; and he inform’d me ’twas a Conveniency Built for the Noble Game of Tennis, a very Delight­ful Exercise, much used by Persons of Quality; and is attended with these extraordinary good Properties, it is very Healthful to him that plays at it, and is ve­ry Profitable to him that keeps it. And rightly con­sider’d, its a good Emblem of the World: As thus, The Gamesters are the Great Men, the Rackets are the Laws, which they hold fast in their Hands, and the Balls are we Little Mortals, which they bandy back­wards or forwards, from one to t’other, as their own Will and Pleasure directs ’em.

We pass’d by this, and went forward to White-Hall, whose Ruins we view’d with no less Concern, than the unhappy Fate of such a Noble Structure must needs beget in each considerate Beholder, especially when they Reflect upon the Honour it had to enter­tain the best and greatest of Princes; in their highest State and Grandure, for several preceding Ages; and now, at last, to be consumed by Flames near so much Water, who can do otherwise than grieve to see that Order,

which the hands of Artists, at the cost of Kings, had improv’d to that Delight and Stateliness, lye dissolv’d in a heap of Rubbish? Those Spacious Rooms where Majesty has sat so oft, attended with the Transcend­ing Glories of his Court, the Just, the Wise, the Brave and Beautiful, now huddled in Confusion, and nothing more can boast themselves but Dirt and Ashes; as if the Misfortunes of Princes were visited upon their Palaces, as well as Persons, to manifest to the World more clearly, that an Over-ruling Power, and not Accident, always decrees their Sufferings.

After we had taken a survey of the Ruins, and spent some Melancholy Thoughts upon the Tatter’d Object that lay in Dust before us, we walk’d on, thro’ several out Courts, till we came into a place my Friend told me was Scotland-Yard, where Gentlemen Soldiers lay basking in the Sun, like so many lazy Swine upon a warm Dunghill. I stood a little while Ruminating on the great Unhappiness of such a Life, and could not restrain my Thoughts from giving a Character of that unfortunate Wretch, who, in, time of War, hazards his Life for Six-pence a Day, and that, perhaps, ne’er paid him; and in time of Peace has nothing to do, but to mount the Guard and Loiter.

A Foot Soldier is commonly a Man, who for the sake of wearing a Sword, and the Honour of being term’d a Gentleman, is Coax’d from a Handicraft Trade, whereby he might Live Comfortably, to bear Arms, for his King and Country, whereby he has the hopes of nothing but to live Starvingly. His Lodg­ing is as near Heaven as his Quarters can raise him; and his Soul generally as near Hell as a Profligate Life can sink him; for to speak without Swearing, he thinks is a Scandal to his Post. He makes many a Meal upon Tobacco, which keeps the inside of his Carcase as Nasty as his Shirt. He’s a Champion for the Church, because he Fights for Religion, tho’ he never hears

Prayers except they be Read upon a Drum-Head. He’s often times seen to stand Centinel over an Oy­ster-Tub, in the Absence of his Flat-cap Mistress, who has him more at Command than his Officer. He often leads a Sober Life against his Will; and when ever he gets Drunk, it is in a Bawdy-House. He can never pass by a Brandy-Shop with 2d. in his Pocket; for he as Naturally loves Strong-Waters, as a Turk loves Coffee. He is generally belov’d by two sorts of Compa­nions, viz. Whores and Lice; for both these Vermin are great Admirers of a Scarlet Coat. No Man humbles himself more upon the committing of a Fault, for he bows his Head to his Heels, and lies bound by the Hour to his good Behaviour. He is a Man of Undaun­ted Courage; dreading no Enemy so much as he does the Wooden-Horse, which makes him hate to be Mounted; and rather chuses to be a Foot Soldier. He’s a Man, that up-on the Guard, always keeps his Word; and Obeys his Officer as Indians do the Devil, not thro’ Love, but Fear; he makes a terrible Figure in a Country Town, and makes the old Women watch their Poultry more than a Gang of Gipsies. He sel­dom wants the two good Properties of Begging and Thieving, without which he would be but a Poor Traveller. When once he has been in a Battle, its a hard matter to get him out of it; for where ever he comes he’s always talking of the Action, in which he was posted in the greatest danger; and seems to know more of the matter than the General. Scars, tho’ got in Drunken Quarrels, he makes Badges of his Bra­very; and tells you they were Wounds received in some Engagement, tho’ perhaps given him for his Sauciness. He’s one that loves Fighting no more than other Men; tho’ perhaps a dozen of Drink and an Affront, will make him draw his Sword; yet a Pint and a good Word will make him put it up again. Let him be in never so many Campaigns in Flanders, he

contracts but few habits of a Dutchman, for you shall oftner see him with his Fingers in his Neck, then his Hands in his Pockets. He has the Pleasure once a Week, when he receives his Subsistence, of boasting he has Money in his Breeches; and for all he’s a Soldier owes no Man a Groat; which is likely enough to be true, because no Body will trust him. Hunger and Lousiness are the two Distempers that afflict him; and Idleness and Scratching, the two Medicines that Palliate his Miseries. If he spends twenty Years in Wars and lives to be For­ty, perhaps he may get a Halbert; and if he survives Threescore, an Hospital. The best end he can expect to make, is to dye in the Bed of Honour; and the greatest living Marks of his Bravery, to Recommend him at once to the Worlds Praise and Pity, are Crip­led Limbs, with which I leave him to beg a bet­ter Livelihood.

THE
London-Spy.
PART IX.

AS soon as we turn’d out of Scotland-Yard into the common Road, I espied a Famous Edifice Diametrically opposite to the Gate we passed thro’; the freshness of the Bricks, and form of which Building, shew it of a Modern Erection. Perpendicu­larly over the main Door, or Entrance, was plac’d a Golden Anchor, which occasion’d me to enquire of my Friend, to what Publick use this Noble Fabrick was converted. In answer to which, says he, This is the place where so many Letters have been directed, which were put into the Gazette concerning a Dis­covery of many Abuses and Irregularities Committed in Her Majestys Navy; and great Encouragements were offered to the Authors of those Letters to ap­pear and Justifie what Illegal and Unwarrantable Pra­ctices they could charge, upon any Person or Persons

Commission’d in that Service under the Government. And pray, said I, what became of that matter at last, about which there was so great a bustle? You must be careful, says my Friend, how you ask Questions in such Affairs; and it behoves me to be as Cautious how I answer any. But to divert you from your Enqui­ries, I’ll tell you a Story, viz. A Merry Cobler, as he sat Stitching in his Stall, was Singing a piece of his own Composition to indulge his Chearful Humour, wherein he very often repeated these following Words, viz. The King said to the Queen, and the Queen said to the King: A Passenger coming byt who was mighty desirous of knowing what it was the King and Queen said to one another, stood listening a considerable time, expecting the Cobler to have gone on with his Ditty, wherein he should have satisfied his Longing Curiosity. But the Musical Translator continued a Rehearsal only of the same Words, till he had tired the Patience of his Auditor; who at last stepped up to the Stall, and seriously ask’d the Drolling Sole-Mender, What it was the King said to the Queen, and the Queen to the King? The busie Crispin snatches up his Strap, and lays it, with all his might, cross the Shoulders of the Impertient Querist, Passionately expressing himself in these Words, viz. How, now, Sauce-Box! It’s a fine Age we Live in, when such Cocks-Combs as you must be prying into matters of State? I’d have you to know, Sirrah, I am too Loyal a Subject to betray the King’s Secrets; and pray get ye gone, and don’t in­terrupt me in my Lawful Occupation, lest I stick my Aul in your Arse, and mark you for a Fool that meddles with what you have nothing to do with. The Cobler being an Old Sturdy Grizzle, the Fellow was forc’d to bear both with this Correction and Reproof; and Shrug­ing his Shoulders, was glad to sneak off about his Business.

I know, said I, how to apply the Moral of your Story; and shall therefore be very Careful how I trouble you with any such Questions for the future, that are either

improper for me to ask, or inconsistent with your Safety to directly answer.

By this time we were come to the Door of the most Eminent Coffee-House at this end of the Town, which my Friend had before propos’d to give me a Sight of. Accordingly we blunder’d thro’ a dark Entry, where the Black-Guard of Quality were playing their Un­lucky Tricks, and Damning each other in their Ma­sters Dialect, Arm’d with Flam-boys against the ap­proaching Night, that the Grandeur of the Great and Fortunate, may not be hid in Darkness, but shine in their proper Sphere, above lesser Mortals, who bow their heads to my Lords distin­guishable Lustre. At the end of the Entry we As­cended a pair of Stairs, which brought us into an Old Fashion’d Room, of a Cathedral Tenement, where a very Gaudy Crowd of Odoriferous Tom-Essences were Walking backwards and forwards with their Hats in their Hands, not daring to convert ’em to their inten­ded use, lest it should put the Foretops of their Wigs into some disorder. We squeez’d thro’ the Fluttering Assembly of Snuffing Peripateticks, till we got to the end of the Room, where, at a small Table we sat down, and observ’d, tho’ there was abundance of Guests, there was very little to do; for it was as great a Rarity to hear any Body call for a Dish of Politicians Porridge, or any other Liquor, as it is to hear a Spun­ger in a Company ask what’s to pay, or a Beau call for a Pipe of Tobacco; their whole Exercise being to Charge and Discharge their Nostrils; and keep the Curls of their Periwigs in their proper Order. The Clashing of their Snush-Box-Lids, in opening and shut­ting, made more Noise than their Tongues; and sounded as Terrible in my Ears, as the Melancholly Ticks of so many Death-Watches. Bows and Crin­ges of the Newest Mode were here Exchang’d ’twixt Friend and Friend, with wonderful Ex­actness, being the finest Academy for a Painter

to Learn to draw the Sign of the Salutation for a Tavern in the whole Universe. They made a Humming like so many Hornets in a Country Chim­ney, not with their Talking, but with their Whispe­ring over their New Minuets and Bories, with their Hands in their Pockets, if free from their Snush-Boxes, by which you might understand they had most of them been Travelers into the Seven Provinces. Amongst them were abundance of Officers, or Men who by their Habit appear’d to be such; but look’d as tenderly, as if they carried their Down Beds with them into the Camp, and did not dare to come out of their Tents in a Cold Morning, till they had Eat a Mess of Plumb-Panada for Breakfast, to defend their Sto­machs from the Wind: Yet, thro’ a Principle of Un­daunted Courage, must signalize their Affections to their Country, in undergoing the Fatigue of a Flan­ders Campaign, to the great Terror of their Lady-Mothers; but to as much purpose, otherways, as if they had spent their time at Hipollitoe’s and the Play-House, or staid at Home to have been a Guard de Corp to the Belfa’s, to protect them from being Plun­der’d of their Virginities by the Town Stallions, which ought to have been preserv’d, as a Recompence for those who truly deserv’d their Favours, by hazar­ding their Lives in the Nations Service; for as no­thing more than the Noble Passion of Love will Ani­mate a Soldier with Bravery; so, undoubtedly is Beauty the greatest Reward of Victory. At the Ends of this Principal Room were other Apartments, where, I suppose, the Beau-Politicks retired upon extraordi­nary Occasions, to talk Nonsense by themselves about State-Affairs, that they might not be Laugh’d at.

Having sat all this while looking about us, like a cou­ple of Minerva’s Birds among so many of Juno’s Peacocks, admiring their Gaity; we began to be thoughtful of a

Pipe of Tobacco, which we were not assured we could have the Liberty of Smoking, lest we should offend those Sweet Breath Gentlemen, who were always run­ning their Noses into the Arse of a Civet-Cat. But, how­ever, we ventur’d to call for some Instruments of Eva­poration, which were accordingly brought us, but with such a kind of unwillingness, as if they would much rather to have been rid of our Company; for their Ta­bles were so very Neat, and shin’d with Rubbing, like the Upper-Leathers of an AIdermans-Shoes, were of as Nut Brown a Colour as the Top of a Country House-Wives Cup­board. The Floor as clean swept as a Sir Courtly’s Dining-Room, which made us to look round, to see if there were no Orders hung up to impose the Forfei­ture of so much Mop-Money upon any Person that should Spit out of the Chimney-Corner. Notwith­standing we wanted an Example to encourage us in our Porterly Rudeness, we order’d ’em to light the Wax-Candle, by which we Ignified our Pipes, and blew about our Whiffs, with as little Concern as if we had been in the Company of so many Carmen; at which several Sir Foplins that were near us, drew their Faces into as many Peevish Wrin­kles, as the Beaus at Bow-Street Coffee-House, near Covent-Garden, did when the Gentleman in Masque­rade came in amongst them, with his Oyster-Barrel Muff, and Turnip-Buttons to Ridicule their Foppe­ry. But, however, yet (regardless of their Grimaces, by which they Expressed their Displeasure) puffed on our Unsavoury Weed till we had clear’d one Cor­ner of the Room, and separated the Beaus from the more Sociable Party, and made ’em fly to a great Window next the Street, where there was such Snifting and Snuffing, that the rest of the Company could scarce keep their Countenances.

Just in this Interim, whilst the Gaudy Knot of Effeminate Philoginians were looking into the Street,

who should chance to come by, on the other side of the way, but the Old Dumb Father Red-Cap, who casting up his Eyes, and espying such a parcel of Elegant Figures standing at the Window, made a full stop over-against the Coffee-House, and began, according to his Custom, to show his Antick Postures, and Buffoonary Actions, Dancing the Soldiers Dance, and playing abundance of Fools Antick Pranks, to engage Passen­gers to tarry and behold his Apish Gestures; and when he had Collected a Promiscuous Multitude of Tradesmen, and Soldiers, Porters, Chimney-Sweepers and Footmen, round about him, he Fronts his Flax­en-Wig’d Spectators at the Coffee-House who were stroaking down their stragling Hairs, and sweetening the Common-Shore of their Insipid Brains by their several Fumigations, and begins to mimick the Beau, rendering himself immediately so Intelligible to the Rabble, by his Apt Signs and Ridiculous Postures, that the Crowd set up a hollow, and the Eyes of the whole Mob were directed to our Squeamish Tobacco-Haters: Whilst the poor Deaf Comedian perceiving the Mob well pleased, persisted in his Whim, and Buffoon’d with Excellent Humours the Strut, the Toss of the Wig, the Carriage of the Hat, the Snush-Box, the Fingering of the Foretop, the Hanging of the Sword, and to each Action he form’d so suitable a Face, that the most Grave Spectator could not forbear Laughing. This put our Orangery Sparks to the Blush, and made them retire from their Casements: By which time our Smoaking had given encouragement to others to pluck out their Boxes, and betake themselves to the like Liberty, that we Smoak’d the Beaus, almost as bad as Unlucky School-Boys us’d to do the Cobler, till they sneak’d off one by one, and left behind ’em more agreable Company. We could then discern there were some Great Men by the Grandure of their Looks, the Awfulness of their Presence, and Gracefulness of their Deportment. And several

Officers, with Old English Aspects, whose Marshal Faces were adorn’d with Weather-beaten Wrin­kles, cross’d with Hacks and Scars, those rugged Beauty Spots of War, which they wore as true marks of their Undaunted Bravery. Having by this time ended our Pipes, we wound up our Diversion with a fashionable Mess of Turkish Sobriety; after which we Scribbled down these following Lines in a Slate-Book, and so departed.

Having now squeez’d back thro’ a long dark Entry full of Rapscalionly Skip-Jacks, into the open Street, my Friend bid me take Notice of two great Taverns on the other side the Way. In those Eating-Houses, says he, as many Fools Estates have been Squander’d away, as ever were swallow’d up by the Royal-Oak-Lottery; for every Fop, who, with a small Fortune, attempts to Counterfeit Quality, and Is Fool enough to bestow twenty Shillings worth of Sauce upon ten Penniworth of Meat, resorts to one of these Ordinaries; where a Man that is as Rich as Crassus may out-live Heliogabolus, and spend more open Money up­on a Dinner, than a Sergeant at Law can get in a whole Issuable Term.

As we were thus talking, a Squadron of Horse March’d by in order to relieve the Guard; my Friend ask’d me my Opinion of their Appearance, and how he lik’d the sight of so many Brave Englishmen on Horse-Back; which, says he, has not been seen in these Parts, till of late, this many Years? Truly, said I, I think they look more like Soldiers, and become

their Post much better in their Old Coats, than the Butter-boxes did in all their Finery; and indeed its more Natural for us to think they would do their own Country greater Services upon occasion, and would hazard their Lives with more Heartiness, than it is reasonable to expect Foreigners would do for us. Dutchmen, for ought I know, may Fight in Defence of Holland, or a Frenchman for the Security of his own Nation: But when ever the Necessities of England shall force Her upon either of their Assist­ances, will find, to Her Sorrow, she has but a bro­ken Reed to rely on.

By this time they were pass’d by us, so we moved on till we came to the Subterranean Ware-House of an Eminent Dealer in Old Boots, Shoes, Slippers, Spurs, Spatter-Dashes, and Gambages; the Front of his Translating Cavern, being adorn’d with such sun­dry sorts of Leathern Conveniencies, that I could not but think he was the only Humane Farrier appoint­ed to Shoe all the Inferiour Quality at this End of the Town. My Friend and I having proposed in a few Days to Ride down to Tunbridge, the well-finish’d Palace of Coblerius Caesar, put us in mind of laying hold of this Opportunity, to fit our selves with some Accouterments at best Hand, of which we were Destitute; accordingly we descended into the Cabin, by very steep Gradations, with abun­dance of Caution, where otherwise the Hillocks of Dirt upon the Stairs, for want of the use of a Paring-Shovel, might have endanger’d our Necks, as the Jamb a­bove us, without Humbling our Carcases, threaten’d us with a Broken Head. But with Care and Gentle­ness we got safe to the Bottom, where the Grizly Cre­pidarian sat Uniting of Dissenting Soles, who, by their Stubborn Disagreeableness, had broke the Threads of Unity, and separated themselves, to their Makers Dishonour, from their Upper-Leathers: As soon as he

saw us, he bid us Welcome, dismounting his Glass Adjutants, who Rid a Cock-horse on his Nose,Cock-Horse: the glasses "ride" astride his nose. lays by his Work with as much chearfulness as an Old Whore does the Practice of Piety, upon the re­ception of a Visitant; and ask’d us What we wanted? We told him Boots; who presently furnish’d us with all sorts and sizes; amongst which parcel, af­ter a little search, we pitch’d upon such that pleas’d us, and sat down upon a Stool hew’d out of the whole Timber for Durations Sake, in order to try ’em on; in which interval, a Ragged Irish-man (which in this Town is said to be a wonder) came down and desir’d him, in his Irish Accent, to show him a pair of Shoes; Crispin being a little busie in giving us his Attendance, believing us the better Customers, happen’d, thro’ Carelesness to hand him a couple of Shoes which were not Fellows; Teague draws on one, and it fitted him very well, but when he try’d the other, he found it much too little, and quite of another sort; By my Shoul, Dear Joy, says he, the Mans Futs that wore these Brogues were not Fel­lows: Prithee let me see another Pair. The Cobler looking upon the Shoes, and finding his mistake, and casting his Eye upon the Fellows Feet, discover’d his Stockins to be of different Colours: I thought Master, says he, you would have had your Shoes as you have your Stockins, one of one sort, and one of another; but however, if these won’t do, I’ll see further if I can fit you. Accord­ingly hands him another Pair with the Toe of one (as is usual) thrust into the other. The Irish-man puts on his old Shoes again in a great Passion, and takes his Leave in these Words By Chreest and Shaint Patrick, ye are a Sheating Kenave, De you tink E will buy a Pair of Brogues dat de Little one ish big enough to hold de Great one in ish Bally?How by my Shoul, can you tink dey will fit my Futs, dae are bott’ of a smallness? And away he trips up Stairs in his Aged Pumps, made

Sandels by much wearing, that they were forc’d to be Lac’d on with Pack-Thread; and so March’d off in a great Fury, to relieve his Pedestals at the next Con­veniency, leaving us to Chatter with our Drolling Mundungus Puffer, who fitted us with what we want­ed at Reasonable Rates, like a Man of Conscience, without using half so many Lies and Canting Reser­vations as a Sober Citizen in his Shop, but gave us a Hearty Welcome into the Bargain; and so we parted.

When we had Crawl’d up again into the Street, like a couple of Gentlemen Soldiers out of a Two­penny Ordinary, the first Object with which our Eyes were affected, was the Brazen Statue of that Pious Prince King Charles the First on Horse back, whose Righteous Life, Unhappy Reign, Unjust Sufferings, Unparallel’d Martyrdom, shall Bury Monuments, Out-live Time, and stand up with Eternity. I could not without the highest Concern, and deepest Reflections on his great Misfortunes, behold the Image of that Good Man, in whose Artful Effigy may be seen the Piety, Majesty, Mercy, Patience, and Innocency of the Matchless Original; the Causless Disturbances of whose Reign, and the Barbarous Usage of whose Person, will stick as Thorns, I hope, in the sides of Faction, till they are Crush’d into that Anarchy, from whence they had their first beginning. Thus did we stand a while Ruminating upon the sad Catastrophe of this Unhappy Prince, till at last his Venerable Statue inspir’d me with these following Lines, which I hope the Unprejudic’d Reader will receive with Candour.

From Charing-Cross, we turn’d, up towards the Strand, at the Entrance of which, I observ’d an An­cient Stone Fabrick; in the Front of it I beheld with satisfaction the handy-work of our Fore-fathers, in whose sully’d Antiquity I could discern much more Beauty than my Genius can discover in any Modern Building. What a thousand pities, said I, is it that

so Noble a place, which appears so Magnificent and Venerable, should not have the old Hospitality conti­nued within-side, answerable to its outward Gran­dure? Truly, says my Friend, it is a great Scandal to the present Age, that Quality should so degene­rate from their Ancestors, instead of imitating the Liberality of their Grand-sires, in relieving the Distresses of their Neighbours, supplying the Wants of Poor Friends and Relations, and (to the Ho­nour of themselves and Country) giving Charitable Entertainment to Strangers and Travellers; now squan­der away their Estates in Whoring, Gaming, and External Foppery, to the Disgrace of so Flourishing a Nation, the Scandal of that Dignity to which God has rais’d ’em, and to the Ruin of Themselves and Families, For it may be observ’d that when Great Men, who are indeed no more than Heavens Stewards for the Poor, discharged their Duty to those Unhappy Wretches, who by the Disabilities of Nature, or the Contingent Mutabilities of this Life, were reduced to Necessity, they added to their own Fortunes, by an Improvement of their Estates; and whilst they supported in their Houses a commendable Hospita­lity, they were always attended with such Prosperity that their Riches were preserved by Providence from any Ruinous Chance or Fatal Devastation. Whereas I could instance on the contrary (could it be done without Reflection) many Families now in being, who are brought to Beggary from very plentiful Estates, who neither Signaliz’d their Loyalty to the Crown, their Affection to their Country, their Kindness to their Low Relations, their Charity to the Poor, or Good to the Publick, by any Expensive Act, as ever was made manifest; but Worm’d out their Patrimony by the Fraud of Gamesters, the Subtilty of Lewd Women, Emulation of Gaiety and the Treacherous Delusions of Hypocrites and Flatterers. Methinks,

said I, you have Preach’d a very Notable Sermon, this would rather have become the Mouth of a Clergyman, than a Man of your Youth and Airiness. You must consider, says he, we Libertines have our Sober Intervals, as well as the Grave Puritan in Private has his Comfortable Refreshments; for the difference be­tween us, lies only in this particular; we seldom do what they often Practice, and they Practice seldom, what we often do.

We moved on along the Strand, as Leisurely as a couple of Valet de Chambres out of place, in search of a Dinner; meeting nothing Remarkable till we came to the New-Exchange, into which Seraglio of Fair Ladies, we made our Entrance, to take a pleas­ing view of the Cherubimical Lasses, who, I suppose, had Drest themselves up for Sale to the best Advan­tage, as well as the Fopperies and Toys they Dealt in; and indeed, many of them look’d so very Amiable, so inticing Fair, that had I been happily furnish’d with some Superfluous Angels, I could willingly have Dealt among the Charming Witches, for some of their Com­modities; but as Curs’d Cows have short Horns, I could only Walk by, and lick my Lips at their Hand­some Faces, as a Hungry Beggar, when he stares into a Cooks-Shop; and was forc’d so to content my self. The chiefest Custo­mers I observ’d they had, were Beaus, who I imagined, were Paying a double Price for Linnen, Gloves, or Sword-knots, to the Prettiest of the Women, that they might go from thence and Boast among their Brother Fops, what Singular Favours and great En­couragements they had received from the Fair Lady that Sold ’em.

Finding nothing else amongst ’em worth Observing, I digested a little of their Shop-Language into a Song, and so proceeded.

Having taken a Satisfactory Survey of this Jilts Academy, where Girls are admitted at Nine Years Old, and taught by Eleven, to Out-Chatter a Magpye, Out-Wit their Parents; and by the improving Instructions, and taking Example of their kind Mistresses and Neighbouring Correspondents, are made as Forward and as Ripe in Thought, before they are out of their Hanging-sleeves, as a Country Wench is at Five and Twenty.

We then took our leaves of this Cloister of kind Damsels, so turn’d up by the Half-Moon Tavern and proceeded towards Covent-Garden, where we over-took abundance of Religious Lady-birds, Arm’d against the assaults of Satan with Bible and Common-Prayer-Book, marching with all Good speed to Covent-Garden-Church. Certainly, said I, the People of this Parish are better Christians than ordinary, for I never observed, upon a Week-Day, since I came to London, such a Sanctified Troop of Females flocking to their Devotions, as I see at this part of the Town. These,

says my Friend, are a Pious sort of Creatures, that are much given to go to Church, and may be seen there every Day at Prayers, as constantly as the Bell Rings; and if you were to Walk the other way, you might meet as many Young-Gentlemen from the Temple and Grays-Inn, going to Joyn with them in their Devo­tions; we’ll take a turn into the Sanctuary amongst the rest, and you shall see how they behave themselves: Accordingly we step’d into the Rank, amongst the Lambs of Grace, and enter’d the Tabernacle with the rest of the Saints, where we found a parcel of very Handsome Cleanly well-Drest Christians, as a Man would desire to Communicate with of both Sexes; who stood Ogling one another with as much Zeal and Sincerity, as if they Worship’d the Creator in the Creature; and Whispering to their next Neigh­bours, as if, according to the Liturgy, they were Confes­sing their Sins to one another; which I after­wards understood by my Friend, was only to make Assignations; and the chief of their Prayers, says he, are that Providence will favour their Intrigues. When the Parson had made an End of what, with much Ear­nestness to little purpose, he had Conn’d over to his Amorous Congregation, we made our Exit from thence, and went thro’ the Market, where a parcel of Jolly Red-Fac’d Dames, in Blue-Aprons and Straw Hats, sat selling their Garden-Ware; who stunk so of Brandy, Strong-Drink, and Tobacco, that the Fumes they belch’d up from their over-charged Stomachs, o’er-came the Fragrancy that arose from their Sweet Herbs and Flowers. This Market, says my Friend, and that Church, hides more Faults of kind Wives and Daughters among the Neighbouring Inhabitants than the pretended Visits either to my Cousin at t’other end of the Town, or some other distant Ac­quaintance; For if the Husband asks, Where have you been, Wife? Or the Parent, Where have you been, Daugh-

Daughter?ter? The Answer, if it be after a Eleven in the Fore­noon, or between Three and Four in the Afternoon, is, At Prayers: But if Early in the Morning, then their Excuse is, I took a Walk to Covent-Garden-Market, not being very well, to refresh my self with the scent of the Herbs and Flowers: Bringing a Flower, or a Sprig of Sweet-Bryar, home in her Hand, and it confirms the Matter.

Now, says my Friend, we are so near, I’ll carry you to see the Hummums, where I have an Honest old Ac­quaintance that is a Cupper; and if you will be your Club towards eight Shillings, we’ll go in and Sweat, and you shall feel the effect of this Notable Inventi­on. With all my Heart, said I, you know I am al­way conformable to what ever you propose. So accor­dingly he conducted me to the House, thro’ which we pass’d into a long Gallery, where my Friends Acquain­tance received him with much Gladness. I had not walked above once the length of the Gallery but I began to find my self as warm as a Cricket at an O­vens Mouth. My Friend telling him we design’d to Sweat, he from thence introduc’d us into a Warmer Climate. Pray, Friend, said I, what Latitude do you think we are in now? You must consider, says he, we are making a short Cut to the East-Indies, and are now in about Twenty Three and Thirty, that’s just under one of the Trophicks; but this Heat is nothing to what you’ll feel when you come under the Equinoctial, where I can assure you we shall find our selves in a very little time. We now began to Unstrip, and put our selves in a condition of enduring an Hours Baking; and when we had reduc’d our selves into the Original State of Mankind, having nothing before us to cover our Na­kedness, but a Clout no bigger than a Fig-Leaf, our Guide led us to the end of our Journey, the next A­partment, which I am sure, was as hot as a Pastry-Cooks Oven for to Bake a White-Pot; that I began im-

immediatelymediately to melt like a piece of Butter in a Basting-Ladle, and was afraid, I should have run all to Oyl by that time I had been in six Minutes: The bottom of the Room was Pav’d with Free-Stone; to defend our Feet from the excessive heat of which, we had got on a pair of New-fashion’d Brogues, with Wooden Soles, after the French Mode, cut out of an Inch Deal-Board; or else like the Fellow in the Fair, we might as well have walk’d cross a hot Iron Bar, as ventur’d here to have trod Bare-Foot. As soon as the Fire had tapt us all over, and we began to run like a Conduit-Pipe, at e­very Pore, our Rubber Arms his Right Hand with a Gauntlet of course Hair-Camblet, and began to Curry us with as much Labour as a Yorkshire-Groom does his Masters best Stone-Horse; till he made us as smooth as a Fair Ladies Cheeks just wash’d with Lemon-Posset, and Greas’d over with Pomatum. At last, I grew so very Faint with the expence of much Spirits, that I beg’d as hard for a Mouthful of fresh Air, as Dives did for a Drop of Water; which our Attendance let in at a Sash-Window, no broader than a Deptford Cheese-Cake; but, however, it let in a com­fortable Breeze that was very Reviving: When I had fouled about as many Callico Napkins, as a Child does Double-Clouts in a Week, our Rubber draws a Cistern full of hot Water, that we might go in, and Boil out those gross Humours that could not be Emitted by a more gentle Perspi­ration. Thus almost Bak’d to a Crust, we went into the hot Bath to moisten our Clay, where we lay Sodden­ing our selves like Deers Humbles designed for Minc’d-Pies, till we were almost Parboil’d; I talking by Ac­cident of a Pain that sometimes affected my Shoulder, occasioned by a Fall from a Horse, my Friend, by all means, advised me to be Cup’d for it, telling me ’twas the best Operation in the World for the removal of all such Grievances; being an utter Stranger to this sort of Phlebotomy, I was a little unwilling for to undergo

the Experience of it; but by the Perswasions of my Friend, and my Friends Friend, I at last consented; upon which the Operator fetch’d in his Instruments, and fixes three Glasses at my Back, which, by drawing out the Air, stuck to me as close as a Cantharides-Plaister to the Head of a Lunatick, and Suck’d as hard as so many Leeches at a Wenches Fundament, troubled with the Hermoides, till I thought they would have crept into me, and have come out on t’other side. When by Virtue of this Hocus Pocus Stratagem, he had Conjured all the ill Blood out of my Body, under his Glass Juggling Cups, he plucks out an ill-favoured In­strument, at which I was as much frighted, as an abscon­ding Debtor is at the sight of a Bill of Middlesex, takes off his Glasses, which had made my Shoulders as weary as a Porters Back under a heavy Burthen, and begins to Scarifie my Skin, as a Cook does a Loin of Pork to be Roasted; but with such Ease and Dexterity, that I could have suffer’d him to have Pink’d me all over as full of Eylet-holes as the Taylor did the Shoe-Makers Cloke, had my Malady requir’d it, without Flinching; when he had drawn away as much Blood as he thought necessary for the removal of my Pain, he covered the Places he had Carbonaded with a new Skin, provided for that purpose, and heal’d the Scarifications he had made, in an Instant; then taking me up like a Scalded Swine, out of my Greasie Broth, and after he had wip’d o’er my wet Buttocks with a dry Clout, tell­ing us we had Sweat enough. He reliev’d us out of our Purgatory, and carried us into our Dressing Room; which gave us such Refreshment, after we had been Stewing in our own Gravy, that we thought our selves as happy as a couple of English Travellers, Transpor­ted in an Instant by a Miracle from the Torrid Zone, into their own Country. Our expence of Spirits had weaken’d Nature, and made us Drowsie; where having the conveniency of a Bed, we lay down and were

rub’d like a couple of Race-Horses after a Course, till we were become as Cool as the Affections of a Pasionate Lover after a Nights Enjoyment. When we had refresh’d our Carcases by a plentiful Dram of Doctor Stephens Cordial, so full of Gold, that it looked as tempting as Gilded Ginger-bread to the Eyes of a Froward Infant; and had taken an Hours Repose to reconcile, the Fermented Humours of our Bodies to their Orderly Motion, we then got up, and began to cover our Indecencies, with those Habiliments the Taylor had contrived to hide our Nakedness; to put on which to the best Advantage, our Rubber gave us his Assistance, during which time he also entertained us with several delightful Stories; which he told in such apt Words, and with such agreeable Humour, that he made my Guts shake with Laughing, like a Trodden Quagmire: And that the Reader may be a partaker of our Mirth, I have here made a Recital of some of his short Comedies, in which himself was the Principal Actor.

It happen’d, says he, not long ago, that a very fine Lady of the Town, came in to clean her Skin, and supple her Industrious Joints, as I suppose, and make her tender Limbs the more pliable, and fit for the ex­ercises of Love, which she was doubtless that Night to be engaged in: Being at the Charge of a Crown Bath Extraordinary, Enriched with Essences and Sweet-Herbs, to add such a fragrancy to her Body, that might render her most Putescent parts, sweet as a Calves Nostril. When she had put her self into this Order, and made her self a suitable Companion for the Nicest Bedfellow, she commanded her little Mercury that attended her, to call a Coach, and away she went. Immediately after, came in a very Topping Beau from the Tavern, pretty well loaded with Wine, and using to Sweat in the Room which the Lady had just quitted, being very Humoursome,

would not be perswaded to go into any other, so that they were forced to show him the same Apart­ment. One of the Rubbers going into the Hot Room where the Gentleman was to Sweat, and turning one of the Cocks, found that the Stoaker had been Neg­ligent, and that the Hot Water was all run off; who being gone out a Fuddling, they knew not what shift to make to draw a fresh Bath; and at last found they had no way left, but to make the Ladies Bath to serve again: So they were forced to deceive the Gen­tleman, by telling him there was an Extraordinary Bath, preserved with Sweet-Herbs, for a Person of Quality, who had sent to bespeak the Room Hot; the Time being Elapsed, they believed my Lady would not come, and that it was great pity to let it run off without use, which if he pleased to accept on, he might have, without paying any more than the Com­mon Rates of the House. The Gentleman very well pleased with so kind a proffer, very gladly con­sented to make use of it, and after he had Sweated a little, went into it. The Rubber fishing for the Herbs to scowre the Gentlemans Skin, happened to feel something amongst them, that felt very soft and Pap­py, who turning his Head aside, and smelling to his Fingers, found ’twas some Unsavoury Lees, which chanced to drop thro’ the Bung-hole of that Mortal Cask which had been Rinsed in the same Water. The Rubber, in a sad Agony, began to be thoughtful of an Excuse, in case the Gentleman should discover it, fearing the Affront might Aggravate him to do him a Mischief; at last the Gentleman looking about him, saw the remains of her cleanly Ladiship in his Bath? What a Pl-gue, says he, is this Nastiness that is swimming amongst the Herbs? Sir, says the Rubber, it is nothing but Italian Paste, which is accounted the most Excellent thing to cleanse and make smooth the Skin imaginable, and it is what my Mistress cannot

afford to use but in an Extraordinary Bath, which is Paid for above the common Rates of the House. Prit­hee, Friend, says the Gentleman, if it be so good for the Skin, Rub me well with it; but, Egad, says he, in my mind it looks as like a Sir-reverence, as ever I saw any thing in my Life. Aye, Sir, says the Servant, and so it does; but it is an incomparable thing to wash with, for all it looks so Nastily; and is a compound of the. Richest Gums, and best Castle Soap boil’d up together, that can be bought for Money. Pray, says the Beau, take a little pains with me, and rub me all over with it very well. Who is it that makes it? I’ll buy some for my Hands. It is made, Sir, replies the Rubber, by a Gentlewoman in this Town, but where she Lives I cannot tell; my Mistress, were she within, could inform you: But she went into the City to Dinner, and is not return’d yet. Thus my Com­rade that attended him, by the good Management of his Tongue, brought off the Mischance cleverly with­out Discovery. The Perfumes and Sweet-Herbs in the Bath so overpowering the Scent, that the Gentle­man, tho’ he Nos’d it, being amongst such a mixture of Effluvias it confounded his Smelling, and ren­der’d him incapable of Distinguishing a fair Ladies Sir—nce, from the Excrement of a Civet-Cat; but rose out of his Bath extreamly pleas’d, and gave him that attended him Half a Crown for his extraordi­nary Care and Trouble; so march’d away with great Satisfaction.

Having thus concluded his former Story, he pro­ceeded to the latter, viz. A Gentleman of Fortune, one day lying under a shrewd Suspision of Debt, was Dog’d by a Bailiff into our House, who came to the Door whilst the Gentleman was Sweating, and ask’d for him; and one of our Rubbers by chance opening the Door, happen’d to know his Calling, and comes into the Gentleman, and tells him a Fellow wanted to speak with him at the Door, pretendingly from

such a Gentleman of his Acquaintance; and that he knew him to be a Bayliff: The Gentleman thank’d him kindly for his Information, and put it into his Head to get him in, and Torment him a little in one of the Hot Rooms; accordingly my Fellow Servant went back to the Moabite, and told him that the Gentle­man was within, and desired him to come to him: So conducts the Debtor-Snapper, who was ready Arm’d with his Legal Authority, into an Anti-Room of the next Apartment to the Gentleman, where he bids him wait a little, and the Gentleman would come to him presently: In the mean while my Fellow Ser­vant came to me and the Stoaker, to Consult after what manner we should punish him. I, like a good Projector of Unluckiness, told him my Advice was for us to put on our Callico Gowns with the Hoods over our Heads, and disguise our Faces with burnt Cork as frightfully as we could, and Arm our selves with Fire-weapons out of the Kitchen; so enter up­on him altogether, seize him, and carry him into the Hot-Room, and there Torment him as we shall think Jit. Accordingly we put our selves into this Order, rush’d in upon him, and forced him into the Hot-Room: The Fellow coming in the Piazza-way, was wholly Ignorant what place it was, but took it by the Front to be a Gentlemans House; but feeling the Excessive Heat, and seeing himself in the Hands of so Ill-look’d Goblins, Armed with a great Beef-Spit, Tongs, and Fire-Fork, began to roar out like a stuck Bacon-Hog; and fancy’d himself in Hell. Then, in a hoarse Voice, said I to my Brother Infernals, First let us Bake him, and then Boil him; to which my Com­rade with the Spit, added, And then I’ll have him Roasted; which Terrible Sentences, so frighted the Disturber of Humane Quiet, in this new State of Damnation, that he fell into a Swoon, that we were forced to put him into a Cold Bath to fetch him to Life

again. Who, when he recovered, look’d as Wild as a Lunatick at full of the Moon; and then cry’d out as much against the Cold as he did before against the Heat. Upon which, we let run the Cock of Hot Water, till we had almost Parboil’d him; Then he fell into a second Fit, that we thought it proper to take him out of the Bath, and carry him into the Anti-Room for fear he should have Dy’d: Where we shaved one side of his Head and Beard, and fixed on a couple of Cupping-Horns (which we sometimes use) upon his Fore-Head, so carried him to the Back-Door, and turned him a Drift: Who was so Rejoyced, that he found Redemption from the Devils Clutches, that away he run as fast as a Thief under a pursuit; and after him all the Mob and Boys in the Street, crying out, A Mad Cuckold! A Mad Cuckold! And telling the Gentleman what we had done, he return’d us Hearty Thanks, and was mightily pleas’d at our Unluckiness.

THE
London-Spy.
PART X.

HAVING now, purified our Scorbutick Carcases in a Resemblance of Purgatory, tho’ in a Protestant Country; and made our Skins, by Sweating, Bathing, Rubbing and Scrubbing, as smooth as an old Drum-Head that had been long beaten, we satisfied the Demands of the House, gratified our Groom for extraordinary Pains in Dressing our Dirty Hides, and then departed, finding our Bodies so Re­fresh’d, and our Spirits so Enliven’d, that we were weary of Grovelling upon the Surface of this Gross World, and began to fancy, like the Flying Quaker, from the Nimble Motions of our Spirits, that we had got Icarus’s Wings, and were able at one Flight to Translate our Sublime Bodies into some Loftier Re­gion, more suitable to our Refin’d Natures; being, as it were, renewed by this Fiery Tryal, and cleans’d of all Corruptions. From thence we adjourn’d to the Wits Coffee-house,

in hopes the Powerful Eloquence, which drops from the Silver Tongues of the Ingenious Company that frequent this Noted Mansion, might inspire us with such a Genius, as would better fit the Perfection of our Renovated Clay, now Purg’d of all Impurities, being render’d proper Receptacles, for the most discerning and Poetick Spirits. Accordingly up Stairs we went, and found much Company, and but little Talk; as if every one remember’d the Old Proverb, That a Close Mouth makes a Wise Head: And so en­deavour’d by his Silence, to be counted a Man of Judgment, rather than by speaking to stand the Cen­sure of so many Criticks, and run the hazard of lo­sing that Character, which, by holding of his Tongue, he might be in hopes of Gaining. We shuffled thro’ this moving Crowd of Philosophical Mutes, to the other end of the Room, where three or four Wits of the Upper Classes, were Rendezvouz’d at a Table, and were disturbing the Ashes of the Old Poets, by per­verting their Sense, and making strange Allegories and Allusions, never Dreamt or Thought on by the Authors: Whereby they excused some Faults, which were really the slips or over-sights of the Poet; but made others so very Gross, thro’ Prejudice and Mis­construction, that none but Criticks of very little Judgment, or very much Ill-Nature, could have wre­sted the Sense of Words, so much to the Injury of him that Writ ’em. When they had show’d their Learning, as they thought, by Arraigning and Con­demning many of the Old Roman Muses, they con­descended so low as to call some of our Modern Po­ets to stand the Test of their All-Judging Opinions; upon whom, in brief, they con-fer’d these Characters. One was a Man of great Judgment, Learning and Fancy, but of no Principle. Another was one that had Writ well, and could Write well, but would not Write. A Third never Writ but One Good Thing in his Life,

and that he Recanted. A Fourth had a Poetical Ta­lent, but was hid under a Philosophical Bushel. A Fifth was a good Latin Poet, but had Sacrific’d his Muse to Bacchus, instead of Dedicating her to Apollo. A Sixth had got a great deal of Credit by Writing of Plays; but lost it all by Defending the Stage. A Seventh had got some Reputation by turning of Old Ditties into New Songs; but lost it all by turning a Spanish Ro­mance into an English Stage-Play. An Eighth had got Honour by a Dull Poem, which his Brother Me­dicus Envy’d and Vow’d he’d out-do him in Verse, as he hop’d also to be Knighted. Thus the Carping Momus’s proceeded according to the Criticks Custom, never to let any thing, tho’ well perform’d, escape their Scrutiny, to the discovery of some colourable Fault; nor any Character pass their Lips, tho’ of the Wor­thyest Persons in the World, without being tag’d with some Calumny or other, on purpose to Eclipse the Brightness of those Vertues, for which they are chiefly Eminent. And it may gene­rally be observ’d of those who delight in Criticism, That they are so curious in having the Maiden-head of an Error, that if a better Judgment finds a Fault, which has had the Good Fortune to escape his Cen­sure, he will, if it be possible, find out a Salve for that Sore, and Justifie the Author ever hereafter in that Particular; and will make it appear there is more Sense lies hid in these Words, than in all the Book besides, tho’ he knows what he defends to be Arrant Nonsense; being usually so Conceited of his own Judgment, that rather than acknowledge he had over-look’d an Error, he will Justifie it not to be so: And of such a Sort of Critick, of which there are Hundreds in this Town, as well as some at the next Table, I think- it very proper in this place to give a Character. Accordingly I Dictated, and my Friend Writ.

A Modern CRITICK.

Is a Compound of some Learning, little Judgment, less Wit, much Conceit, and abundance of Ill-Nature: Who wanting true Merit, aims to raise a Reputation, not by his own Performances, but by others Failings; which he takes more Pleasure to Expose, than he does to Mend: and Reads an Author as much in search of his Faults, as a Wise Man does of his Knowledge. Whoever Speaks Latin in his Company, must be as watchful of his Words, as a Prince of his Actions; for if once he breaks Priscians Head, he must be fo­rced to break the Criticks too; or else suffer himself to be Baited as bad as the Tyger at the Cock-Pit. True Spelling and Pointing, he admires is the chief Orna­ments of:a Poem; and always minds the Sense much less than the Orthography. When ever he Repeats any Grave Verse, he has more turns in his Voice, and changes in his Countenance, than a Young Preacher in his Sermon upon Death and Judgment. And when he Reads a Tragedy, he out-Mouths a Player, and cor­rects the Stage with his Extravagant Gestures. Who ever talks of an Author within his Reading, shall be sure to be attack’d with those Places that remain Doubtful and Obscure; which Riddles he expounds and renders as plain (if you’ll depend upon his Judgment) as that the Candle Eat the Cat, or the Coach draws the Horses; and would not give a Farthing to understand any thing but Difficulties, which had puzzled much Wiser Heads than his own to truly find the meaning of. He’s a Man that seldom Writes any thing; but when he does, is so very nice, that it’s carry’d as often to the Corre­ctor, as a Ladies Stays, or a Beau’s Coat to the Taylors, before the Typography and Orthography is according to his Judgment. His Talk is usually like a Maze or La­byrinth; for none but himself has the Clue to find the

beginning and ending of his tedious Comments, with which in all Companies he is very Troublesome. When ever he undertakes to reconcile an Absurdity, or expound a Mistery, he usually does it with as much success as Physicians when they Labour to unfold the Nature of such Medicines to the Patient which work by Occult Qualities, only tire their Ears with a few uncom­mon Words, which serve among Fools as well as an Intelligable Explication. He is one that is not Wise, but would very fain be thought so; and takes as much Pains to sit a Straddle upon other Mens Shoulders, as would raise his Reputation to twice the height, had he Wisdom enough to apply the same Industry to a better purpose. His Head is a meer House of Correcti­on, his Brains are the Register of other Mens Faults, and his Tongue the Unmerciful Scourge that Punishes them. He is the Store-House of other Mens Infirmities, where seldom any thing is lay’d up but what the Au­thors are asham’d off. They are the meer Wasps of the Age, who are furnish’d with unlucky Stings, but yield no Honey.

Says my Friend, you have deviated much from the Character of a true Critick, whose business in the Ro­man time, was to Judge the Actions and Works of Men, deliver’d to the Publick, by Historians, Poets, Philosophers, and the like; to examine the Probability, and the Reasonableness of former Transactions, as they are handed down to us by our Ancestors, to prevent their Imposition on Posterity; and to Enquire into the Truth and Usefulness of all sorts of Learning, and Report their Opinions to the World accordingly; to ex­pound and give their best Sense of all Ambiguities and obscure Passages, which they find in any Author; and these were very Commendable and Serviceable Talks: But yours is such a Coniwobble of a Critick, I know not what to make of him. Why then, I’ll tell you, said I, I give not this as the Character of a real Critick, but

such a sort of a Mungril Critick, as he that you heard talk just now, who takes a Pride in nothing, but Snap­ping and Snarling at the little Slips, and Unavoidable Failings of Authors, much beneath the Notice of any Judi­cious and Good-Natur’d Reader; and would Die, were it not that these Petty-Students in Sintax, who handle Mens Faults in Company, as a Jugler does his Balls, till they have made as many as they please of ’em, and think they cannot give greater Demonstrations of their Learning, than in Publick to Disparage such Persons, who have ten times the Parts of themselves, foolishly believing what ever they Detract from others, they add to their own Reputation; and fancy every Stain or Blemish they can give to an Ingenuous Mans Character, is a heightening of their own Merrit. These are the Persons of whom I have given this rough Sketch, who are only Cavillers, or Pretenders to Cri­ticism, and know nothing of the matter. Nay, says my Friend, it is to be those you aim at, you have said less than they deserve. I have observ’d, since I have sat here, I have heard those Gentlemen Judge very se­verely of some Modern Authors, who have not only Merited, but Enjoy a general Approbation and Ap­plause; and have so rashly Condemn’d some Writings of an Ancient Worthy and Honourable Gentleman, as if they had Commission to take away Mens Repu­tations, without giving the least Reason why, or an Account wherein they have forfeited their Credits.

At another Table were seated a parcel of young, raw Second-Rate Beaus and Wits, who were Conceited, if they had but once the Honour to dip a Finger and Thumb into Mr. D—’s Snush-Box, it was enough to inspire ’em with as true Genius of Poetry, and make ’em Write Verses as fast as a Taylor takes his Stitches. These two Communicating one to ano­ther the Newest Labours of their Brains, wherein were such wondrous Flights, unaccountable Thoughts,

strange Figures, Hyperboles, and Similies, and upon such Notable Subjects, that to hear ’em read their Works, is at any time sufficient to Cure the Hippo­chondria, and turn the deepest Melancholy into a Fit of Laughter. One plucks out a Pane-garick upon Orange-flower-water; another, a Satyr against Dirty-Weather; a third produces a cleanly Lampoon upon Nasty Tobac­co-Smokers; a fourth a Poem in Praise of short Puff-Wigs, together with the Excellency of Paint, Powder and Patches. What I heard of these their most admir­able Flights came too abruptly to my Ears for me to make a fair recital of any part worth the Readers per­usal; or else I would have gladly obliged the World with Copies of some of the Wild Exuberances of their Juvenile Fancies. But, however, one of them being (as I guest by his Garb) a Young Officer, happen’d, in plucking, out some other Papers, to drop this fol­lowing Poem; which my Friend believing to include no great matter of Moment, imagined it would prove some such Business as we found it to be, so pick’d it slighly up without Notice; and taking our Leaves of this Wits Sessions-House, we brought it away with us; and finding something in it we thought might divert the Reader, we have accordingly presented him with a Copy, it being

Having thus Diverted our selves with the perusal of the foregoing Epistle, we steer’d our Course into Bridges-Street, with intention to see a Play. But when we came to the House, found (upon enquiry) that all the Wiser part of the Family of Tom Fools had Translated themselves to Bartholomew Fair. After strugling with a long See-Saw, between Pride and Profit; and having Prudently considered the weighty difference between the Honourable Title of one of Her Majesties Servants, and that of a Bartholomew-Fair Player, a Vagabond by the Statute, did at last, with much

difficulty, conclude, that it was equally as Reputable to Play the Fool in the Fair for Fifteen or Twenty Shil­lings a Day, as ’twas to please Fools in the Play-House at so much per Week. And, indeed, I think they made a very commendable Result; for I think there’s no more distinction between a Queens House-Player and a Country Stroler, than there is between a Bull-Dog bred up in Clare-Market, and another Educated at Her Majesties Bear-Garden: And as he is the most valuable Dog that runs furthest and fairest in; so is he the most Reputable Comedian that gets most Mo­ney by his Fooling. For he that is a Mountebank, its no matter whether he keeps his Stage over-against White-Hall Gate, or at Cow-Cross; for if the means to Live be the same, it signifies little to his Credit in what Place they are put in Practice.

But, however, we were disappointed in what we propos’d; and were obliged to defer our intended Measures till another Opportunity. And consi­dering it would be expected we should, according to the Month take a Survey of the Fair, we took Coach to escape the Dirt and the uneasiness of a Crowd, and adjourn’d thither. At the Entrance of which, our Ears were saluted with Belfegors Concert, the rumbling of Drums, mix’d with the Intolerable Squea­kings of Cat-Calls, and Penny-Trumpets, made still more terrible with the shrill Belches of Lottery Pick Pock­ets, thro’ Instruments of the same Metal with their Faces, that had I not been foretold by my Friend of the Astonishing Confusions I must expect to meet with, I should have been as much frighted at this unusual piece of Disorder, as Don Quevedo in his Vision, when he saw Hell in an Uproar. We order’d the Coach­man to set us down at the Hospital-Gate, near which we went into a convenient House to Smoke a Pipe, and over-look the Follies of the Innumerable Throng, whose Impatient Desires of seeing Merry Andrews Grimaces, had led them Ancle-deep into Filth and

Nastiness, Crowded as close as a Barrel of Figs, or Candles in a Tallow-Chandlers Basket, Sweating, and Melting with the heat of their own Bodies; the un­wholesome Fumes of whose uncleanly Hides, mix’d with the Odoriferous Effluvia’s that arose from the Singeing of Pigs, and burnt Crackling of over-Roasted Pork, came so warm to our Nostrils, that had it not been for the use of the Fragrant Weed, Tobacco, we had been in danger of being Suffocated.

Small-Beer bitter’d with Coloquintida, drawn by a Lousie-look’d Tapster, with the Impudence of a Gaol-Bird in his Face, a Bunch of Rusty Keys hanging on one side of his Apron-Strings, to keep him in equal Ballance between a Brush which was hug’d under the contrary Arm, who Plagu’d us as constantly with his Impertinent Do you call Sirs, every two Minutes, as surely as the Clock strikes every Hour, till at last he had to affront us with his over Diligence, that we were forc’d to tell him we would Kick him down Stairs if he came any more till we call’d him; by which means we respited our Uneasiness during our own Pleasure.

The first Objects, when we were seated at the Window, that lay within our Observation, were the Quality of the Fair, Strutting round their Balconies in their Tinsey Robes and Golden-Leather Buskins; expressing such Pride in their Buffoonery Stateliness, that I could but Reasonably believe they were as much Elevated with the Thoughts of their Fortnights Pa­geantry, as ever Alexander was with the Glories of a new Conquest; looking with great Contempt from their Slit-Deal-Thrones, upon the admiring Mobi­lity, gazing in the Dirt at our Ostentatious Heroes, and their most Supercilious Doxies, who look’d as Awkward and Ungainly in their Gorgeous Accouterments, as an Aldermans Lady in her Stiffen Body’d Grown upon a Lord Mayors Festival. When they had ta-

takenken a turn the length of the Gallery, to show the Gaping Crowd how Majestickly they could Tread, each Ascended to a Seat agreeable to the Dignity of their Dress, to shew the Multitude how Imperiously they could sit. Then enter’d the Conjurer of the whole Company, Merry Andrew, I suppose as much admired by the rest for a Wit, as the finest Dress’d Jilt amongst ’em was by the Mob for a Beauty. As soon as he came to his Stand, where he design’d to give the Spectators some Testimonies of his In­genuity; the first thing that he undertook to give a singular In­stance of his Cleanliness, by blowing his Nose upon the People, who were mightily pleas’d, and Laugh’d heartily at the Jest. Then, after he had pick’d out from the whole Dramatick Assembly a Man of most admirable Acquirements in the Art of Tittle-Tattle, and fit to Confabulate with the Witty and In­telligible Mr. Andrew, he begins a Tale of a Tuby which he Illustrates with abundance of Ugly Faces, and Mimical Actions; for in that lay the chief of the Comedy, with which the Gazers seem’d most to be affected. Between these two the Clod-skul’d Au­dience were lug’d by the Ears for an Hour; the Apes blundering over such a parcel of Insignificant Non­sense, that none but a true English unthinking Mob could have Laugh’d, or taken Pleasure at any of their empty Drollery, the Insipidness of which occasion’d my Friend to think that ever since the Andrew was Whip’d for Singing his Pig with Exchequer Notes, and Roasting him with Tallies, it has made St. Bar­tholomew Jesters afraid of being Witty, for fear of disobliging the Government. For, says he, this is the dullest Stuff that ever was Spew’d amongst the Rab­ble, since Heaven made ’em Fools, or ever any such Coxcombs in a Blue-Doublet undertook to prove them so.

The Epilogue of Merry Andrew’s Farce, was, Walk

in Gentlemen, and take your places whilst you may have ’em; the Candles are all Lighted, and we are just a go­ing to begin: Then Screwing his Body into an ill-fa­vour’d Posture, agreeable to his Intellects, He struts along before the Glittering Train of Imaginary He­roes, and their Water-Lane Beauties, leading them to play the Fool within-side, in answer to his Perfor­mances without; whilst some that had Money went in, and those that had none, walk’d off Equally Sa­tisfied.

The out-side of the Droll-Booths being all Garnish’d with the like Foollery, we found nothing further amongst ’em worth Repeating; and being seated in a place where nothing was to be seen, we were forc’d to remove from our Quarters, and hazard our Carcases amongst the Crowd, and our Pockets amongst the Nimble-Finger’d Gentlemen of the Diving-Mistery, or else we found we should see nothing worth the pains we’d taken. Accordingly we Paid our Reck­oning, and button’d up our Pockets, as securely as a Citizen does his Shop-Windows, when his Family goes to Church; and so Launch’d our selves into the Tempestuous Multitude, amongst whom we were hurry’d along, from the Ground, by a Stream of Rab­ble, into the middle of the Fair, in as little time as a forward Beau may make a Furnbler a Cuckold.

Thus we Swam down with the Tide, till we came to the Rope-Dancers Booth, before we could find any bottom; where (Praised be our Stars) we once more got safe Footing upon Terra firma, and stood a little to behold the Agility of the Tumblers, whose Pranks, were they shown to a Whimsical Virtuoso, are enough to beget in him a new System of Philosophy; and make him believe, that to walk only upon our Feet with our Heads uppermost is nothing but a Ridicu­lous Habit we have contracted from our Nurses; and that it is more Natural for Mankind to run Races

upon their Hands with their Heels upwards, if they would but Practice it. I was mightily pleas’d to see the Women at this sport, it made ’em seem to have a due Sence of the Ills done by their Tongues, to Degrade which, they turned ’em downwards, giv­ing the Preheminehcy to their most deserving Parts; for which Reasbn they practic’d to walk with their Arses upwards, which, indeed, I think is but Justice, for that part to be most Honour’d that’s most Use­ful; and whether that be the Head or the Tail of a Woman, I’ll appeal to Marry’d Men, or Whore-Masters, who I must ac­knowledge to be better Judges. Truly, says my Friend, I ffiink you are much in the right on’t; for a Woman is a meer Receptacle, and to see her stand­ing on her Legs is as Unnatural a Posture, in my Mind, as to see a Pipkin upon the Fire with the Mouth downwards. Prithee, said I, let’s have done with this Jack-Pudding’s Dialect, or People will think the Fair has inspir’d us with Bombast. Come, says my Friend, let us fling away Six-pence a piece, and see what’s to be done within-side; methinks, says he, there is something in this sort of Activity, that is both Diverting and Amusing. I readily Consented to his Proposal; so in we went, where a parcel of Country Scrapers were Sawing of a Tune; and a mix’d Multitude of Longing Spectators were waiting with Impatience the beginning of the Show; look­ing upon, one another as Simply as a Company sat down at Table, that waits with an Hungry Appetite an Hour for their Dinner. At last they put up a lit­tle Dumplin-Ars’d Animal, that look’d as if it had not been six Weeks out of a Goe-Cart, and that began to creep along the Rope, like a Snail along a Cabbage-Stalk, with a Pole in its Hand not much big­ger than a large Tobacco-Stopper, This was suc­ceeded by a couple of Plump-Buttock-Lasses, who, to show their Affection to the Breeches, wore ’em under

their Petticoats; which, for decency sake, they first Danc’d in: But to show the Spectators how forward a Woman, once warm’d, is to lay aside her Modesty, they doft their Petticoats after a gentle Breathing, and fell to Capering and Firking as if Old Nick had been in ’em. These were follow’d by a Negro Woman, and an Irish Woman. As soon as the Black had seat­ed herself between the Cross-Poles that supported one end of the Rope, a Country Fellow sitting by me, fell into such an Extasie of Laughing that he Cackl’d again. Prithee, Honest Friend, said I, what do’st thou see to make thy self so wonderful Merry at? Maister, says he, I have oftentimes heard of the Devil upon two Sticks, but never zee it bevore in my Life. Bezide, Maister, who can forbear Laughing to see the Devil going to Daunce? When with much Art and Agility she had exercis’d her well-Proportioned Limbs to the great satisfaction of the Spectators, the Irish Woman arose from her Hempen Seat, to show the Multitude her Shapes, whose Shoulders were of an Atlas-Build; her Buttocks as big as two Bushel-Loaves, and shak’d as she Danc’d like two Quaking Puddings, handing to a Table in one Dish. Her Thighs as Fleshy as a Barron of Beef; and were so much too big for her Body, that they look’d as Gouty as the Pillars in St. Paul’s: Her Legs were as strong as a Chair-Mans, her Calves being as round, and as hard as a Foot-Ball; the Swelling of the Muscles stretching the Skin as Tort as the Head of a new brac’d Drum. She waddled along the Rope, like a Goose over a Barn Threshold, till at last, poor Creature, willing to show the Assembly the utmost of her Excellencies, and putting Nature upon a stress to Cut a Caper as high as a Hog-Trough, she happen’d to strain her Twat­ling-Strings, and let fly an unsavory Sound, as Loud as a Note of the Double Gurtel? Wounds, my Lady, (says my Neighbour, the Country-man) have a care you don no fall, by the Mass, you made the Rope give

a woundy Crack. The Men Laugh’d, the Women they Blush’d: Madam Lump quitted the Rope with a Shameful Expedition, and, as it is thought, did her Dancing Trunks much damage, by the Unfortunate Eruption.

This was succeeded by a Pragmatical Brother of the same Quality, who mounted the Ladder next, in Order to ascend the Rope; whose Looks foretold such an Unhappy Destiny, that I was fearful of his Falling, lest his Hempen Pedestal should have catch’d him by the Neck; he commanded the Rope to be alter’d ac­cording to his Mind, with such an affected Lordliness, that presently I perceiv’d he was Master of the Apes by his Imperious Deportment; and looking stedfastly in his Face, I remember’d I had seen him in our Town, where he had the Impudence to profess himself an In­fallible Physician. Upon which, I ask’d my Friend the meaning on’t: Poh, says he, I am sorry you are so Ignorant; why, we have Dancing-Physicians, Tum­bling-Physicians, and Fools of Physicians, as well as Col­ledge-Physicians: Nay, and some of them, too, if they will, can Play much stranger Tricks than you are a­ware on. But these Fellows, you must know, says he, are Bred up between Death and Remedy; that is the Rope and Medicine; and as’ they grow up, if they happen to prove too heavy Heel’d for Rope-Dancers or Tumblers, they are forced to learn first how to be jFools, and once grown expert Jack-Puddings, the next degree they Commence, is Doctor; so leave off a Painted Coat, and put on a Plush one. The Person that Danc’d against him, was the German Maid, (as they stile her in their Bill) with a great Belly, who does such wonderful pretty things upon the Rope, having such Proportion in her Limbs and so much Modesty in her Countenance, that I vow, it was as much as ever I could do to forbear wishing my self in Bed with her. She as much out-Danc’d the rest, as a

Grey-Hound will out-run a Hedge-Hog, having something of a Method in her Steps, Air in her Carriage, moving with an Observancy of time, playing with her Feet, as if assisted with the Wings of Mercury, And thus much fur­ther, I must needs say in her behalf, that if she be but as Nimble between the Sheets, as she is upon a Rope, she must needs be one of the best Bed-fellows in England. Then Doctor Cozen-Bumpkin mounts the Slack-Rope, and after he had lain down and swung himself a Quarter of an Hour in his Hempen Hammock, he comes down believing he had done wonderful things, Honours the Mob with a Gracious Nod; slips on his Night-Gown to prevent catching Cold, and then up steps the Ne­gro to the top of the Booth, and began to play at Swing Swang with a Rope, as if the Devil were in her, hanging sometimes by a Hand, sometimes by a Leg, and sometimes by her Toes; so that I found, let her do what she would, Providence or Destiny, would by no means suffer the Rope to part with her. This Scene being ended, they proceeded to the Conclusion of their Entertainment, the Tumbling; which, indeed, was very admirable, to think that Use should so strengthen the Springs of Motion on, and give that Flex­ibility and Pliableness to the Joints, Nerves, and Sinews, and Muscles, as to make a Man Capable of exerting himself after so Miraculous a manner. I could not but conceive it possible, from the strangeness of their Tricks, to bring up a Child, by Practice to Jump first off a Brick, then two; so on to a Story; and at last from the top of the Monument, without catching any more harm than a Cat. When we had seen all and the Master of the Revels had bid us Welcome, my Friend ask’d me how I lik’d it? Truly, said I, as for the Tumbling, I am mightily pleased with it; but as for the Dancing, I have seen that in the Country per­formed by Monkeys.

The Spectators being dispatch’d with a hearty Welcome, we squeez’d out of the Door as close as a

Thimble-full of Shot out of the Barrel of a Birding-piece; and instead of avoiding a Crowd, we were got out of the Frying-Pan into the Fire: Amongst whose confused Hummings nothing was distinguish­ably heard, but Shrill Cries of Nuts and Damsons. Thinking it the Prudentest way to take new Sanctuary as soon as we could, we Jostled into a Booth where was to be seen a Dwarf Comedy, Sir-Nam’d a Droll, which most commonly proves as wonderful a Monster as any’s to be seen in the Fair. It was under the Title of that Curse of a Companion, The Devil of a Wife, which occasion’d me to look round the Audience, to examine whether there was the same mixture of Sexes as is customary at such sort of Entertainments; but found quite contrary to what may be usually ob­served, that there were ten Men to one Woman; The Sex, as I suppose, being highly distasted at the Title of the Farce, that they thought it greatly inconsistent with their Ease and Interest to encourage such a Publick Dishonour done to the Authority of Tirmagants, who they account are the only Ama­zons of Spirit, who support and defend the reasonable Privileges of their Sex from the Usurpation and Encroachments of the Husband, to the great A­buse and Violation of the wholesome Laws of Matrimony, as they were long since settled by that Reve­rend Assembly of Grave Matrons, the Parliament of Women. The Booth notwithstanding was pretty full, but of Men chiefly, who had the Plain-Dealing Looks of good Sober Citizens, and, I believe, happen’d most of them to be Enslaved under Petticoat-Govern­ment, and came hither to learn how to Tame a Shrew, and recover into their own Hands the Power and Au­thority of their Forefathers, which they had in vain Surrender’d to their Wives upon the Terms and Conditions of Peace and Quietness.

By the time my Friend and I had Crack’d a Quart

of Fill-Birds; and Eat each of us two penny-worth of Burgamy Pairs, to keep our selves from Idleness, the Minstrels Scratching over a Concise piece of Unintel­ligible Discord, call’d a Flourish, the Curtain was drawn up, and the Strutting Representatives began their Foolery: At whose performances, I confess, I was wonderfully pleased; for every thing was done to such a Perfection of Un-coothness, that had so ma­ny Puppits, made of Sticks and Clouts, been but qua­lifi’d with Speech, we could not have Laugh’d more heartily at their awkward and ridiculous Imitations; every one looking, notwithstanding his Dress, like what he really was, and not like what he Represented; that I fancy’d all the while they were Playing, I heard some of ’em crying Flag-Brooms, some Knives to Grind, and others Chimney-Sweep; whilst their Ladies were making up the Consort with Buy my Cucombers to Pickle; and, Here’s your rare Holland Socks, four Pair for a Shilling: For I am certain they had accustom’d their Voices to some such Cries that had begot in their Speeches such unalterable Tones, that they are no more able to play a part without giving a relish of their Calling, than a Fanatick Parson is able to tell a Story in his Pulpit without Humming and Hawing. The whole Entertainment was the strangest Hodg-Podg that ever was jumbled together; and is an excel­lent Farce to please an Audience of such Fools who are apt to admire that most, which they least under­stand: For I’ll engage they find it a piece of Puzzle that is harder to expound, than one of Patridges Riddles, or Mother Shiptons Prophecies. We were for­ced to make our Patience as long as their Play, being wedg’d in on both sides, as close as a couple of City Cuckolds in Guild Hall at a Lord-Mayors Election; till at last they made an end as abruptly, as they be­gan foolishly; and let down the Curtain, which cut off the Communication between our Eyes and their

Actions: So, with the rest of the Crowd, we from hence departed.

Having Trespass’d, like Misers, too far upon Na­ture; and spent most part of the Day without giving our Bodies that Refreshment which was requisite to Enliven our Spirits, and Preserve Health, we after a short Consultation, agreed to gratifie our Importunate Appetites with a quarter of a Pig, on purpose to be Fools in Fashion; in order to accomplish our Design, with a great deal of Elbow-Labour, and much Sweating, we scrambled thro’ the Throng, who came pouring into the Fair from all adjacent Streets; each Stream of Rabble Contending to repel the force of its Opposite Cur­rent, who were striving, like Tide and Stream, to overcome each other. At last, with as much difficul­ty as a Hunted Buck gets thro’ a Wood with his Horns on, by Inch and Inch, we gain’d Pye-Corner, where Cooks stood dripping at their Doors, like their Roasted Swines Flesh at their Fires; with painful Industry, each setting forth with an Audible Voice, the Choice and Excellency of his Pig and Porky which were run­ning as Merrily round upon the Spit, as if they were striving who should be first Roasted. Some Pigs hanging upon Tenters in the Shop-Windows, as big as large Spaniels, half Bak’d by the Sun-Beams, and look’d as Red as the Thighs of a Country Milk-Wench in a Frosty Morning. After we had gaiz’d round us, to examine what Cook was most likely to Accommodate our Stomachs with good Entertain­ment, at last we agreed to step into a large Shop, where we had great expectancy of Good Meat, and cleanly usage; but had no sooner enter’d the Suffocating Kitchen but a swinging fat Fellow, who was appoint­ed Over-seer of the Roast to keep the Pigs from blistering, was standing by the Spit in his Shirt: Rubbing of his Ears, Breast, Neck, and Arm-pits with the same cloth he rub’d the Pig, which brought

such a Qualm over my Stomach, that I had much ado to keep the stuffing of my Guts from tumbling into the Dripping-Pan; so scowring out again, thro’ an Army of Flies, In-camp’d at the Door, in order to At­tack the Pig-Sauce, we defer’d our Eating till a clean­lier Opportunity.

Note, That this is but a small part of what’s in­tended on the Fair. And whatever is deficient here, shall be supply’d in the next.

THE
London-Spy.
PART XI.

BEING quite Surfeited with his Greasiness’s Cleanliness, our Jewish Stomachs began to be as much avers’d to Bartholomew-Fair-Swines-Flesh, as a Court Lady is to Onion-Sauce, or a Young Libertine to Matrimony. That the sight of a Pig was as hateful to me, for the Fortnight, as an Easter Gam­mon of Bacon to a Scotch Pedler; or Christmas-Por­ridge to an English Puritan. The eagerness of our Appetites being thus asswag’d without the expence of Eating, we fac’d about to the Wooden Sodom, and

suffer’d our selves to be carry’d back by an Inundation of Mobility, into the Body of the Fair: Where, in Compassion to one of the Female Gender, who was la­bouring in the Crowd, like a Fly in a Cobweb, I laid my hands upon my Friends Shoulders, and by keep­ing her between my Arms, defended her from the Rude Squeezes and Jostles of the Careless Multitude: In which Interim, she, to give me a Remarkable In­stance of her Gratitude, put her hand behind her and Picked my Pocket of a good Handkerchief, in return of my Civility. Who, when she had done her Busi­ness, shuffl’d into the Crowd; and the next Minute after I discover’d my loss; which, as it was but small, begot but a Concern Proportionable. I could not, without some Shame, acquaint my Friend with the matter, expecting he would Laugh at me for my o­ver-care of my Lady, and carelessness of my self: Who accordingly Ridicul’d my small Misfortune; and told me, Smiling, You must be as careful of Wo­men in Bartholomew-Fair, as Country-People are of Stags in Rutting-time; for their accustomary ways of rewarding Kindnesses, are either to take some­thing from you, you would unwillingly part with; or give you, on the contrary, that which you would be glad to be without.

Having heard much of a Comedians Fame, who had Manfully run the hazard of losing that Reputation in the Fair, which he had got in the Play-House; and having never seen him in his proper Element, we thought the time might not be very ill spent if we took a sight of another Best Show in the Fair, (for so they all stil’d themselves) that we might judge of his Performances. The Number of Kings, Queens, He­roes, Harlots, Buffoons, Mimicks, Priests, Profligates and Devils in the Balcony occasion’d us to believe with the Crowd, that there were no less Varieties to be seen within, than there were Signs of without; for,

indeed, we might Reasonably have thought from their numerous appearance, that when they were all in the Booth, there would be but room for a slender Audience. To help make up which; we put our Fools Pence in­to his Worships Pocket-Apron, with which Title the Mob Honour’d the Master of the Booth, because (as they said) he had been a Justice of the Peace; and then enter’d the Pit, where several of the top Quality, of the Tickle-Tail Function, sat Cracking Nuts like so many Squirrels; and looking round ’em for Admirers, hoping they might kindle such Flames in some Amorous Spectator with their studied Looks and Ogles, that nothing should be able to quench but the Lushious Embraces of] the Sweet Lady that had raised his Con­cupiscence. Their prevailing Glances I observed, soon took effect upon some Juvenile Gentlemen, whose Youthful Opinions of the Pleasures to be found in Love and Beauty, had render’d them like Gunpow­der, as liable to be inflam’d with every sparkling Eye; as the other is to be blown up by the Casual touch of any Fire it shall meet with. The Baskets of Plumbs, Wall-Nuts, Pears and Peaches, began now to be hand­ed about from the City-Bubble, to the Subburbs-Jilt; and Tittle-Tattles of Love were Bandied forwards and backwards, between the Tongues, and Ears of those Amorous Frontiers of the Impatient Audience, who were forced to pacifie themselves under their Longing Expectancies with Nuts and Damsons: Now and then breaking out into Bear-Gardens Acclamation of Show, Show, Show, Show; till at last, in answer to their loud-Mouth’d Importunities, the Curtain was drawn up, and a Trunk-Breeches-King in a Fools-Cap, and a Feather in it attended by his Cringing Nobility, some Court Jilts, and two or three Flattering Priests; which I suppose the Poet thought to be as true a Representation of an Old English Court, as possibly he could think on. After these had entertain’d the listen-

listeninging Audience a little with their Fustian Confabulations, they made the Exeunt, and the Scenes were shifted into a Library, where Fryar Bacon by his long Study, had projected a Brazen-head, who was to Wall the Kingdom with the same Mettle, had not the Devil catch’d him Napping, and broke his most wonderful Noddle in many pieces.

The Priest grown Drowsie with much Reading, Rubbed his Eyes, arose from his Elbow-Chair, and in my Opinion, seemed both by his Looks and Actions much, too Ignorant, as well as too Young, for such a Notable Undertaking. When he had Rav’d and Struted about a little with his Magicians Wand, like a Heroe with his Truncheon, in a Fit of Jealousie, he began, like a true Priest, to make large Promises to the People of wonderful things, which he very well knew would never come to pass: And after he had made a short Oration in Praise of his Brazen-Head, the Scene chang’d, and shut him up in his Study to Consult the Devil a little farther, how to bring his Admirable Project to a Reputable Conclusion.

Then enter’d the Miller and his Son Ralph. The Father seem’d to be the same thing he imitated; and had a Countenance so very Pertinent to his Professi­on that he look’d as if (according to the Millers Maxim) his Conscience could dispense with taking five Pecks out of a Bushel; and as for his Hopeful Progeny, who was the only Person we were desirous of seeing, I think he kept up so true a Behaviour of an Ideot that it was enough to perswade the Audi­ence, that he really was in Nature what he only Artfully Represented. I could not but conclude the part was particularly Adopted to his Genius, or he could never have exprest the Humour with such a­greeable simplicity: But, I fancy, if he was to play the part of a Wiseman, it would be quite out of his way,

and would puzzle him as much as it would a Common Whore to behave her self in Company like a Vertuous Wo­man. There was nothing in the part it self, but what was purely owing to his own Gesture; for it was the Comedian only and not the Poety that ren­der’d the Character Diverting. To be plain, they both Acted and became their Characters extreamly well; for I cannot but acknowledge that I never saw any Body look more like a Fool than the Son, nor any Miller look more like a Cozening Knave than the Father.

The next part of the Droll, that was chiefly Di­verting, was the Country Justice, whose Weakness and Indiscretion, I suppose, were design’d to let the People know that Ignorant Magistrates have some­times the Administration of Justice; and how com­mon a thing it is for a Wise Man to bow a Learned Head to an empty Noddle in Authority. These were the chief of their Characters jumbled Confused­ly together, with a Flying Shoulder [of Mutton, Dancing and Singing of Devils, and such like pieces of Conjurati­on by the Diabolical Fryar Bacon; with whose Magical Pranks the Mob was wonderfully pleased, as well as greatly astonished. Having thus entertained us for about three Quarters of an Hour, at last, with a most Splendid Appearance of all their Lords and Ladies, they concluded their Droll. From amongst which Glittering Assembly, one of the best Mouth’d Orators steps to the Front of the Stage, and with a Cringing piece of Formality, promises the Audience to begin again in half an Hour, as if they believ’d the People to be such Fools to fling away their Money so unprofitably twice in one Day, when the seeing of them once is enough to tire any Man of Reasonable Patience.

The Show being thus ended, my Friend ask’d me how I lik’d it? Truly, said I, ’tis a very Moral Play,

if the Spectators have sense enough to make use of it. At which saying, my Friend burst into a Laughter. Prithee, says he, wherein lies the Morality of it? Why, said I, it will serve to let us know how familiar a Priest, notwithstanding his Holy Orders, may be with the Devil. How easily the Clergy may impose upon the Vulgar a belief of those things which never were, or can be. What a Blockhead may be a Justice of Peace. How a Rich Cunning Knave may have a Fool to his Son: How Old Men love Young Bed-fellows: How a Woman will cheat her Father to oblige her Gallant: What Stratagems Lovers will Project to accomplish their Ends; and what Jack Puddings Men will make of themselves to get a little Money. On my Word, says he, you have made a rare use of it indeed: But I very much Question whether any Body else will be half so much the better for it; for it may be obser­ved that Bartholomew-Fair Drolls are like State Fire-Works; they rarely do any Body good, but those who are concern’d in the Show.

From thence, with much difficulty, we cross’d over to the Hospital-Gate, being Jumbled about in the Crowd like a couple of Tories at a Whiggish Election; over-against which stood a Comical Figure Gaping and Drumming, that his Beard wagg’d up and down like an Aldermans Chin at a Lord Mayors Feast, when Chewing of a Gooses Apron; and his Eyes rowl’d about lie a Libertines at a Christening, when he stands God-father; which occasion’d some of the Ignorant Spectators, that stood Crowding beneath, to cry out, Lord! Do but see how he stares at us, and Gnashes his Teeth, as if he could Eat us for looking at him. On each side of him stood a Wax-Baby, which appear’d very Natur­al, insomuch that it induced us to Walk in and take a sight of their whole Works; being much astonish’d upon our first entrance of the Room, at the Liveliness of the Figures, who sat in such easie Postures, and their

hands dispos’d with such a becoming freedom, that Life, it self could not have appear’d less stiff, or the whole Frame more regular; the Eyes being fix’d with that Tenderness, which I apprehend as a great difficulty; so that the most experienc’d of our Charming Ladies could not, after an Hours practice in her Glass, have look’d more Soft and Languishing. Whilst we were thus viewing of the Temple of Diana, for un­der that Title they had distinguish’d their Show, up comes a Country Carter in his Boots, Arm’d with his Weapon of Correction, by which he Governs and Chastizes his five four-Leg’d Subjects, belonging, as I suppose, to some Hay-Cart in the Market: As soon as the Hob-baddyboody was brought to the Door of the Room where the Figures were seated, he peeps in, and seeing, as he thought, such a Number of Great Persons, steps back and doffs his Hat, Ads-bleed, says he, I waant gooe in among zo many vine Vouk, not I; what dost send mau up to be made a gam on? Pray gim mau my Money agan, for I doun’t come here to be Laugh’d at. The Mistress of the Show, with all the Argu­ments she could use, had much ado to prevail upon the Fellow to go in; telling him wherein he was de­ceived; and that those fine People, as he thought ’em, was only Wax-work which was the sight that he was to see. At last Bumpkin took Courage and ven­tur’d into the Show-Room, but could not forbear making his Country Honours to the Babies, till he was ready to claw the Boards up with his Hobnails. When he had look’d round him, and pretty well feasted his Eyes, he turns about to the Girl that shows em, says he, They are woundy Silent, I pray you, Vorzooth, can they Speak? At which the Young Damsel fell a Laughing, saying, You must Speak to ’em first, and then, perhaps, they’ll Answer you. With that the Foolish Ignoramus did as he was bid, crying to one of the Figures, How d’ye For­zooth? You in the Black Whood,

Evaith I’ll give ye a Pwot en you’n Speak to me. At which the whole Company burst into a Laughter, which made the Fellow so Angry, that in a Passion he thus exprest himself. Adsheartly wounds, why what d’ye make a Gam at a Body vor? A Plague Bran ye for a Pack of Zimpletons. Why, I zee zome little Voulk but o’er the Waiy, no higher than a Flaggon, I beleeve they are the Zons and Daughters of these Gentlevoulk here, and they cou’d Tauk as well as I can. A Notable pert Gentle­woman standing by him, says she, Well Country-man, what would you think of that Lady, you spoke to for a Bed­fellow? Ads my Loif, says he, for all she looks so woundy Gainly, now she’s Drest, whon she comes to pluck off her Paint her Patches, and doff her vine Clouthes to come to Bed, she, perhaps, may look as Ugly as you do Vorzooth. Which Clownish Repartee so dash’d the Lady out of Counte­nance, that her Blushes shew’d she had a Modest Sense of her own Failings and Imperfections.

Having satisfied our Curiosities with Arts nicest imitation of Humane Nature, we return’d again into the Multitude, considering what next Folly we should Commit, that would yield us any tolerable Diversi­on. To see more Drolls we thought would be as ri­diculous as ’tis for a couple of Sots to stagger from Tavern to Tavern all Day long, where the Entertain­ment is still the same, distinguishable by no difference but the Name and Sign; so that we were quite tired with that sort of Fooling. And upon further Consideration of the matter in Debate, we at last agreed to spend an hour in a Musick Booth. In pur­suance of our design, we press’d thro’ the Crowd, till we cross’d the Fair to the Norwest side; where Mu­sick-Houses stood as thick one by another, as Bawdy-Houses in Chick-Lane; and at every Door two or three Hanging-look’d Scaramouches, who rather than to encourage People to walk in, were, as I imagin’d, a means rather to affright ’em from entering, for fear

of having their Throats Cut, or their Pockets Pick’d. But, however, hoping to fare as well as our Neigh­bours we ventur’d into one of their Diabolical Aca­demies, where we supposed all sorts of Wickedness were practic’d for the good Instruction of Unwary Youth, who are too apt to imbibe the Poisonous Draughts that flow from these Pernicious Fountains, to which we often owe the Sorrows of our Riper Years; and never clear our foul Stomachs from those bitter Bel­ches which the Venom we have once suck’d in from those Unwholesome Springs, will ever leave behind them.

At our first Entrance, the Dancing in severa Dis­guises made it appear to me like a Rendezvouz of Gipsies upon the Election of a New King, or like so many Stroling Beggars making Merry in a Barn. As soon as ever the Curtain was put up, and we approa­ch’d the Bar, a crack’d Bell was Rung by a Wheather-beaten Strumpet, Drest up in White, as if she had been going to Beg some Rogue of a Gallant from the Gallows. No sooner had the Untuneable Alarm reach’d the Ears of the dispers’d Attendants, but a Frizzle-Pated Suck-Fosset, with a Head Bloated with much Tippling, as round as a Foot-ball; and an Indico Muc­kender hanging down to his Toes, according to the Mode of a City Beau Drawer, followed by half a Do­zen of his Dancing Scarecrows; some in Masques as Ugly as the Faces that were without, bid us Welcome in such Hoarse Flux’d Voices, that their Spee­ches sounded to me more like the Croaking of Ra­vens, or Growling of the Fourth String of a Crack’d Base, than like the Organs of Humane Utterance: Who seeing us look a degree above Common Custo­mers, I suppose they were in hopes we would prove the greater Bubbles; and as a means to Encou­rage us to the utmost Extravagancy, they con-

conductedducted us to the further end of their Fools Paradise, and plac’d us upon the Hoistings (amongst Cracks, Rakes and Bullies, of the better Quality) which sepa­rate Apartment was exempt from the Dishonour of Inferiour Liquors, and nothing suffer’d to Disgrace your Table beneath a Half Crown Whore, or a Half Crown Flask.

As soon as our Wine Came, and we had fill’d out a Glass, the Kettle-Drums and Trumpets began to express their willingness to oblige us, which was per­form’d with that Harmonious Excellence, that no Sow-Gelder with his Horn, and Cooper with his Adds and Driver, could have gratified our Ears with more de­lightful Musick. This was succeeded by a Consort of Fidlers, with, their Melodious Diddle-Diddle, I was so affected, that it made my Teeth Dance in my Mouth, as if they had scrap’d me into a Fit of a Quartan-Ague. The next piece of Harmony that laid Siege to my Ears, was a most admirable new Ballad, Sung in two parts by Seven Voices. I called the Drawer, and bid him ask them if they were not Singing the Cat-Catch; who brought me Word, No: And that it was a very fine Play-House Song, set by the best Composer in England. Why then, said I, pray tell your Songsters, they de­serve to be Whipt at the Carts-Arse for attempting to Sing it; and that I had rather hear a Boy beat Round-Headed Cuckolds come Dig, upon his Snappers, or an old Barber Ring Whittingtons Bells upon a Cit­tern, than hear all the Musick they can make. Which Message, I suppose the Fellow was afraid to tell ’em, lest they should crack his Crown with their Base-Fid­dle-Sticks.

That we might have a taste of all their Varieties the next Instruments they betook themselves to, were Hoit-Boys, which are undoubtedly the best Wind-Pipes in the World, ill plaid upon, to scare a Man out of his Wits; and I dare Swear would raise the

Devil, the Father of all Discord, much sooner than ever Fryar Bacon, or Cornelius Agrippa could by their Diabolical Invocations. For my part I declare their disproportion’d Notes, and imperfect Cadencies, had such an Effect upon my Ears, that I thought their Noise would have burst my Head in as many pieces ad Gun-powder does a Gra-nado-Shell, and put my whole Microcosm in such a disorderly Trembling, that had they Tooted a little longer, I believe I should have been all disjointed: For such Musick is enough to make a Mans Bones Dance out of their Sockets; and put his whole Body under a Painful Dislocation.

The harshness of their Notes, having, like a Ring of Bells, or a Peal of Cannon, Box’d our Ears into a Deafness; they now began to treat our Eyes with an Entertainment, and presented us with a Dance in imitation of a Foot-Pads Robbery; and he that Acted the Thief, I protest, did it so much like a Rogue, that had he not often committed the same thing in Earnest, I am very apt to believe he could never have made such a Jest on’t; Firing the Pistol, Striping his Vict­im, and Searching his Pockets, with so much Natural Humour, seeming Satisfaction and Dexterity, that he show’d himself an Absolute Master of what he preten­ded to. And I cannot forbear having so little Chari­ty as to fancy , that his last Caper will be so far off the Ground that he will quite lose his Breath before he comes down again.

The next that presented her self to the view was a Bouncing Beldam, who had as much Flesh on her Bones as a Lincolnshire Heifer; that her Hips, with­out the help of Fardingales, looked as round as the Stern of a Dutch Fly-Boat; and her Buttocks trembled when she stir’d, like a Quaking-Pudding: And had she not been Laced to the best Advantage, her Skin would have hung down in Folds like the Hide of a Rhinoceros. The Admirable Qualifications of this Lady

were to Dance with Glasses full of Liquor upon the Backs of her Hands, to which she gave variety of Motions, without Spilling; expressing in her Exercise as much Prodigality, as if Riches, Fame and Honour, had been the Rewards of her Foolery; putting her Greasie Corps into a great Sweat, and Slaved as much at a Paultry Performance, as a Fat Porter at Nine-Pins in the Easter-Holidays, or a Brawny Milk-Woman on a May-Day; till at last, having quite lost her Spirits, she Was forced to conclude her Awkward Steps and Elephant Capers, resting her Unweildy Car­case on the nearest Bench, where she Panted like a Race-Horse that had won the Plate, or a Bear-Dog after a Let-go; the Mob declaring their Approbation and Applause, by clapping their Hands, and knock­ing their Heels; which was no little Satisfa­ction to the Wabbling Squab, with whose Unpolish’d Salutation they were so highly Delighted.

The next Figure that appeared, was a Youthful Damsel, who, to render her more Charming, was Drest up in her Holland Smock, and Fring’d Petty­coat, like a Rope-Dancer, having Disarmed most of the Swordsmen in the Room, she steps into the Cen­ter of the Booth, and there began to handle them as Dexterously as a Welsh Shepherdess does her Knitting-Needles, putting her self into a Circular Dance, wherein she turned as Merrily round, as the Flyer of a Jack, or as Nimbly as a Gig under the Scourge of a School-boy; shifting her Swords to all parts of her Face and Breast, to the very great A­mazement of Country Fools, tho’ very little Danger to her own Carcase. When by her Unalterable Circumvolution, she had supply’d the Defects and Weakness of the Liquor; and made most of the Com­pany Drunk and Giddy with observing the Nimble­ness of her Tail; which, according to the Knife-Grin-

Knife-Grindersders Song, ran Round and around, and around-a, she gave a Stamp with her Foot, like a Doe-Rabbit after Bucking, which, served as a Period to her Dance, which, according to Custom, was Rewarded with a Clap, being the true Theatre and Musick-House Me­thod of expressing our Thanks or Approbation, which makes the Ladies belonging to both Places very apt to Reward the Love of their Gallants after the same manner.

This was succeeded by abundance of Insipid Stuff, so very sorrily design’d and so wretchedly perform­ed, that instead of either Laughter or Delight, it begot in me nothing but Blushes, and Contempt, that I thought it an Abuse to Humane Shape, for any thing that bore the Proportion of either Sex, to behave them­selves so Ostentatiously Foolish, so Odiously Impu­dent, so Intolerable Dull, and void of all Humour, Order or Design, there being more Diversion in the Accidental Gestures of an Ape, than in all the Stu­dy’d Performances of the whole Company of preten­ding Vagabonds. We therefore think it not worth while to trouble the Reader with any further Par­ticulars of their Ridiculous Poor Pedantick Fooleries, but shall leave ’em to a further Shameful Exposing of their own Ignorance, and proceed to a Rough Draught of the Company who chiefly frequent these Scandalous Nurseries of all Vice, Vanity and Villany.

Some Companies were so very oddly mix’d, that there was no manner of Coherence between the Figure of any one Person and another: One perhaps should appear in a Lac’d-Hat, Red-Stockins, Puff-Wig, and the like, as Prim as if going to the Dancing-School. The next a Butcher, with his Blue-Sleeves and Woollen-Apron, as if just come from the Slaughter-House. A Third, a Fellow in a Yorkshire Cloth-Coat, with a Leg laid over his Oaken Cudgel, the Head of which being a Knot of the same Stuff, as Servicable

as a Protestant Flail, and as big as a Hackney Turnip. Another in a Soldiers Habit, and look’d as Peery as if he thought every fresh Man that came in, a Consta­ble. These mix’d with Women of as different appea­rances: One in a Straw-Hat and Blue-Apron, with Impudence enough in her Face to dash a Begging Clergyman out of Countenance; and he that can Publickly ask an Alms in a Parsons Gown, if he has a Title to wear it, one would Reasonably think, has Im­pudence enough to Face any Body. Another Dress’d up in Hood, Scarf and Top-Knot, with her Cloaths hung on according to the Drury-Lane Mode, as if she could shake ’em off and leap into Bed, in the Twink­ling of a Bed-Staff. A Third, in a white Sarsnet-Hood, and a Posie in her Bosom, as if she was come from the Funeral of some good Neighbour that Dy’d in Child-Bed; and amongst the rest, a Girl of about a Dozen Years of Age; whom, I suppose, they were early dragging up in the wicked ways of Shame and Mise­ry, that her Riper years might in no measure give her a Sense of her Unhappiness, by Checking her in her Lewd Practices, render her but a Dastard Sinner. These were at one Table, and of one So­ciety; and tho’ severally and singularly Drest; yet I could do no other than Conjecture, from their Carriage and Physiognomy, that they were under one and the same Influence; and that their unlucky Stars had infus’d the like Evil Genius into every Person among ’em; for the Women look’d like Jilts; the Men Swore like Pick-Pockets; and both were as Drunk as Swine, and as Merry as Beggars.

Just beneath us, on the side of the Hoistings, sat a couple of Madams, over a Stone-bottle of Ale, who, by their want of Stays, Airiness of their Dress, the Improvement of their Complection by Paint, and the multitude of Patches to add a gentile Air to their Sirvile Countenances, we could guess to be no

other than Ladies of that wretched Quality, whose Pride, Poverty, Letchery, and Laziness, had reduc’d them under a Necessity of exposing themselves to Sale at a small Purchase; for in came a Fellow that I have heard cry Brushes and Mouse-Traps about Town, and a Smith along with him, that I have seen Hawk about Iron-Candlesticks, and being almost Drunk, their Brains ran on Coney-Catching, and they must needs, after two or three awkward Scrapes and Compliments, beg the Ladies good Company to Drink a Bottle of Cyder, which the willing Damsels, without any man­ner of scruple, very readily comply’d with: So they all remov’d to another Table, which they thought was more Commodious for their Entertainment; where the Old Cox-Combs Court to the Ladies, Was so Singular and Comical, that it made the whole Company Observators of their Ridiculous Behaviour; who at last discovering by the Peoples Tittering, they were become a Publick Jest, agreed With their Mistresses, as I suppose, to remove to some Private Place, conve­nient for the finishing their Intrigue; but as they were Leading theif Condescending Madams Out of the Booth, with abundance of formal Ceremony, the Gallants, notwithstanding their Holiday-Cloaths, being known to some of the Guests, were Accosted as they made their Exit, with, Will you buy a Mouse-Trap, or a Rat-Trap? Will you buy a Cloth-brush, a Hat-brush, or a Combbrush? That they sneak’d off with their Doxies, as much asham’d as a Perjur’d Evi­dence out of Westminster-Hall, or a Puritan Out of a Bawdy-House.

At another Table sat a parcel of Rural Sots, who, with the gross Spirits of Common-Belch, were Ele­vated to such a pitch of Merriment, that they began to Talk Bawdy like Old Women at a Gossiping, and Swear Ads heartliwounds as fast as a Gamester Cur­ses the Dice, when he meets with ill-Fortune, and

show’d as many ungainly Postures over their Liquor, as a parcel of Swine made Drunk with Hog-Wash: These, to make their Ale run down more Chearful, had got with them a Female Fiddler, who had char­ged her Tun-belly’d Carcase like the rest, with more Guzzle than her Legs were able to carry, and Be­hav’d herself in Sight of the whole Company, with such Unparalell’d Impudence in Singing Bawdy-Songs with a Hickuping Voice, which she endeavour’d to improve with intolerable Scrapes upon her Crack’d Instrument, that I was afraid her Nauseous Behavi­our, together with her Odious Discord, would have rais’d in me such an Aversion to both Women and Musick, that I should never hereafter agree with the Common Opinion, that is, esteem ’em as the choicest of Blessings on this side Heaven.

Then in came a couple of Seamen in their Canvas Jackets, just stept from on Board, to give themselves a Taste of the Fairs relishable Delights, expressing in their Looks such a wonderful Satisfaction, that a Bai­liff at a Prize, or a Butcher at a Bull-Baiting, could not have show’d more signs of Gladness; at last one of them Order’d the Musick to Play an Old Wapping Jig, and plucking out of his Pocket a clean white Hand­kerchief, which, I suppose, he Borrowed of his Land­lady, on purpose to Dance with; being, as I imagin’d, no more able to cut a Caper without that in his Hand, than a Fel­low is able to Dance the Morris without his Bells, or a Beau Court a Lady without his Snush-hox in his Hand. Thus Equip’d for the Business, he steps into the middle of the Booth, and after he had made his Ho­nours with as much Grace as a Cow might make a Curt’sie, he begins to Caper and Firk it round the Room, entertaining us with so many Antick-Steps, Merry Andrew’s Postures, and Country-Cuts and Shuf­fles with his Feet, that no Jack-Adams at Clerkenwell-Feast, or a Drunken Ploughman upon my Lady’s

Birth Day, could have been more Diverting; his Comrade crying out every now and then, Gad-a-Mercy Robin! Now Kate of Dovers Step! Chear up my Lad! Ah, bravely done Boy! Now for a Sea-Pye, and a Can of Phlip! Thus he Jigg’d it about with his Greasie Hat in one Hand, and Muckender in t’other, till he was quite out of Breath, like a Thrasher at a Wake, when he Dances for a Favour; where he that Dances Longest, is always allowed to Dance Best. Having thus put a Period to his Wild Boree, his Companion met him with a Quartern of Brandy, and after he had Clap’d him on the Side for Encouragement, as a Butcher does his Bull-Dog, in­stead of Spitting in his Mouth, he refresh’d him with a Cogue, and made him sit for t’other Let-go, who sitting-down with his Arms on Kimbo, seem’d as Proud of what he’d done, as an Admiral that had bea­ten the French Fleet, or a Mountebank that had Drawn a Tooth with a touch before the Multitude of Spe­ctators.

What further lay within our Observation, were the sundry sorts of Women, who sat ready upon small Purchase to gratifie the Lust of every Drunken Li­bertine; some very well Drest, and in Masks, who, notwithstanding their Appearance, were as ready at your Beck, as a Porter Plying at a Streets Corner; others bare Faced, and in mean Garbs, whose Poverty seem’d equal with their Impudence, and that so Fulsome and Preposterous, that they are as great Antidotes to expel the Poison of Lust; as the Modest Counterfeit Behaviour of a Cunning Pretty Harlot, is a means to enforce Desire, and beget a Liking: A third sort of Scoundrel Strumpets, in Blew-Aprons and Straw-Hats, who, by taking much Mercury, or the loud Bawling of Oysters about the Streets, were as Hoarse as a Jack-Pudding at the latter end of the Fair. These were all good Subjects to the Government, Contribute

more towards the Maintainance of Her Majesties Foot-Guards, than any People in the Nation; for every one has a Soldier or two at her Tail, of whom she takes as much Care, as a Bitch does of her Pup­pies.

Having here taken Notice of most of the Particu­lars that lay within our View, by paying our Reckon­ing we purchas’d our Redemption from this Epito­my of Hell; and being now almost Dark, we took a Turn round the out-side of the Fair, on the Back-side of the Booths, where we found several Emblems of the Worlds Giddiness; Children Lock’d up in Flying-Coaches, who insensibly climb’d upwards like Meteo­rous State-Tools, who know not whether they are going; but being once Elevated to a certain height, come down again according to the Circular Motion of the Sphere they move in; and decline from their Meridian Altitude, to the low Station from whence they first took their Rise, Re­flecting on their past Pleasures with great Dissatisfaction. Envying those who are got in their Room, and heartily Bemoan’d their want on Money, or Favour, which removed them from their Post.

These Whirligigs, says my Friend, may be very properly apply’d to the common Fate of Great Men: For when a Man is once rising, it is not very difficult for him to rise to the top; for ’tis impossible for him, as you may see by these, to continue long at the same pitch; for the Interest of him that Governs the Wheel; and the Politick Motion of Affairs for Publick Safety, require some to be Rising, and others Falling: For this World is but Fortunes Well, and Mankind are the Buckets thereof, and it must of necessity ever be so, that the Winding Up of one, must be the Letting Down of another.

From thence we moved with the Stream, and pass’d

by a couple of Poppet-Shows, where Monkeys in the Balconies were imitating Men, and Men making themselves Monkeys, to engage some of the weaker part of the Multitude, as Women and Children, to step in and please themselves with the wonderful A­gility of their Wooden Performers; these we pass’d by with as much Contempt as a Hungry Taylor at Easter does a Fleet-Ditch Furmity Woman, or a Prodigal De­bauchee an Old Mistress. We squeezing out among the rest, till we came again to the Hospital-Gate, which we enter’d with as little ease as a good Christian, Impatient of his Dinner, gets out of Church when Sermon is ended; till at last We came into the Cloi­sters, where we met such a Whispering and Hum­ming of G-d D-mes, She’s a Bitch, and t’o­ther a Whore; and that’s a fine Woman, t’other’s a pretty Creature; that I thought the People Were all Mad, and that this Place was a Bedlam for Lovers. A Gentleman with a red Face, who, my Friend told me, was fam’d at all Gaming Ordinaries for a won­derful Similizer, steps up to a very pert Lady, who, as I .suppose, was not for his Turn, and claps his bare Hand in her Neck: Dear Madam, says he, You are as Cold as a Cricket in an Ice-house: She turning short about look’d upon him, and reply’d, If you please to clap your Fiery-face to my Back-side, ’twill be the ready way to warm me: At which smart return, all that heard it fell a Laughing: The Gentleman thinking it a little Inconsistent with his Honour to be thus put upon, had a great mind to redeem his Credit, by ad­ding, Indeed, Madam, I find your Tongue’s much Nim­bler than the rest of your Members, for your Body moves like a Loaded Waggon up a Hill: Dear Sir, says she, You look so like a Honest Gentleman, that I am bound in Gratitude, to return you at least an Empty Cart, for your Loaded Waggon; and as for the Hill, pray Sir, let it be Holbourn, and I don’t question but your good Life,

in time, may direct you to the Use and Application of both; So Sir, your humble Servant. And away she step’d into a Raffling-Shop, where some Civil Gentlemen follow’d her, and to Reward her Wit, Loaded her and her She-Friend that was with her, with Silver Nick-nacks, and Guarded her into a Coach from the Insolence of the Town Cormorants, who had a wonderful mind to be Snapping at so Fair a Bait.

This Rendezvouz of Jilts, Whores and Sharpers, be­gan now to be very full, insomuch, that the Soure Breaths of Corrupt Carcases, and the Turpentine Bel­ches that were ever and anon thrown into our Nostrils in the Crowd, were so Offensive, that the Pumping of a Derby-Ale Cellar, or the Removal of an Old Close-stool-pan, could not have surpriz’d our smell with a more intolerable Nosegay. This we were forced to endure, or quit the Place, which we were unwilling to do, till we had made a more Nice Inspection into the Pomps and Vanities of this Wicked World. To further discover which we went into one of the Shops, that we saw most Crowded, and like Poor Spectators, with willing Hearts and low Pockets, stood in the Rear, peeping as Boretto Pensioners at the Groom-Porters, over the Shoulders of those that Raffled, among whom, I observed this Ridicu­lous Vanity, that whatsoever the Gentleman won, they presented to the Fair Lady that stood next, tho’ as great Strangers one to another, as Doctor B-gs and the Whore of Babylon. You are in-sensible, says my Friend, of the Cunning that’s used by Sharpers, to make this kind of Diversion turn to a good Account: That pretty sort of a Woman, who receives so many Presents, to my Knowledge, is Mistress to him who is now handling the Box, who has no other Bu­siness but to improve such a lucky Minute to his Maintenance, and he seems, you see, to be an utter Stranger to that Lady he’s so kind to, and only makes

her Mistress of his Winnings, purely to draw the other Gentlemen on to do the like, that what Pre­sents they Foolishly bestow on her to Night, may serve to furnish his Pockets for the Hazard-Table, on the next Morrow.

Being tired with this Pastime we adjourn’d from thence, and crept up a pair of Stairs as narrow and as steep as the Stone Steps of a Belfrey, over which was Written in Golden Capitals, in two or three Places; The Groom-Porters; design’d, as I suppose, for Fools to understand it was the Honester rlace, for his Name being there, and that they might as fairly fling away their Money here as in any place in Chri­stendom: When, with the danger of our Necks, we had climbed to the Top, we step’d into a little Room on the Left Hand, where Lawyers Clerks, and Gentlemens Footmen, were mix’d Higgle-de-pig-gle-de, like Knaves and Fools at an East-lndia-House Auction, and were wran­gling over their Six-pences with as much Eagerness, as so many Mumpers at a Church-Door on a Sacrament-Day, about the true Division of a Good Christians Charity. Being quickly Surfeited with the Boyish Behaviour of these Callow Rakes, we mov’d from thence into the next Room, where a parcel of Old Batter’d Bullies, some with Carbonado’d Faces, and others with Pimpgennet Noses, were seated as close round a great Table, as Country Attorneys in a Stage-Coach, at the conclusion of a Term; amongst ’em a few Declining Tradesmen, who, I sup­pose, were ready to start into some Foreign Plantation, and came hither to acquire the Qualifications of a Libertine, that their Portion in this World might be a Merry Life and a Short: Curses amongst these were as Profusely scatter’d as Lies among Travellers, and as many Eyes lifted towards the Heavens, in Confu­sion of their Stars, as there are on Board a Ship in a Storm to implore

Safety: Money was toss’d about as if a useless Com­modity, and several parts of the Story of the Prodi­gal Son were Acted here to a Miracle. When Four had the Good Fortune to come before Seven, or Ten before Eight, the Breeches of the Losers were so Net­led, they were unable to be easie in their Seats, and could no more keep the ends of their Fingers out of their Mouths, than a Porter when he plucks off his Hat, can forbear Scratching of his Head. The Dice had far more Influence upon ’em than the Planets, for every Man chang’d Countenance according to the For­tune of the Cast; and some of them I am sure shew all the Passions, in half an hour, incident to Hu­mane Nature.

He that made the most Observable Figure amongst ’em, was a Butcher in his white Frock, with a head as large as a Saracen’s, and Cheeks as plump as a Sow-Gelder’s, when he Proclaims his Profession by his Semi­circular Trumpet; his Beard, tho’ in Carnival-time, was as well grown as a Hackney-Writers in the middle of a Long Vacation, and look’d as Frow?y and Irregular as the Giants Whiskers in Guild-Hall, that seem so terrible to Young Apprentices. The Hair of his Head being as Greasie as the Fur of a Cooks Fly-flap, and Shin’d with the Pomatum of Beef and Muttony like a Satten Cap upon the Noddle of an Independent Teacher. I could not but take Notice, when ever he made his Staket he cry’d, Go again, which serv’d me to Understand he was a true Hockly I’th’ Hole Sports-man, it being the same Expression they use to their Dogs, after the first Let-go. I observ’d he was attended with great Luck, enough to make us believe, according to the Burlesque of Ovid’s saying, That Fortune favours fat Folks, or that her Mope-Ey’d Ladyship, like a true Sow, was a great Lover of Blood, Filth and Nastiness. Whenever he handled the Dice,

he had so Lucky a Devil in the Box, or at his Elbow, that he very seldom threw out under three or four hands holding in, which occasion’d his Peevish Antagonists to set him with such soure Countenances, that no Lover that had lost his Mistress, or a Client that had lost his Cause, could have contracted his Face into a more Fretful Posture. Length of time having made this Diversion as dull as the rest, we left the Losers to recover their Losses, and the Butcher to bring his Hogs to a fair Market; returning down Stairs, with as much Care and Caution of Tumbling Head foremost, as he that goes down Green-Arbour-Court Steps in the middle of Winter. When we were got safe to the bottom, being quite tir’d with the sundry Follies we had seen, and the Brain-breaking Noises we had heard, my Friend desir’d my Company into Charter-House-Lane, where he was Oblig’d to make a short Visit to a Patient, leaving me at an Ale-House hard by to Divert my self in his Absence with a Pipe of Tobacco; which I did accordingly, and refresh’d my self with a Pot of Excellent English Liquor, which was as Comfortable to my Palate, after our Troublesome Survey, as a Down-Bed to the Haunches of a weary Traveller. By that time I had Lighted my Pipe in comes a couple of Old Fellows, who look’d as if they were the Superannuated Servants of some Great Man, who, to exempt himself from the Charge of keeping ’em, when past their Labour, and to reward the Faithful Service of their Youth, had got ’em into an Hospital: They Seated themselves down in the next Box, and call’d for a Pot of warm Ale, over which, after they had Accommodated their Lanthorn Jaws with a Pipe of Tobacco, they began to bemoan some great Oppressions that were impos’d upon ’em, by the Ruler of their Society, whom they Charg’d with these following Accusations, beginning their Complaint after this Sorrowful manner:

I Remember, says one, two Old Proverbs from my Youth, which, alas ! I have, found too true in my Age: New Lords, New Laws; and, When the Old One’s gone, seldom comes a Better; and Efaith, Brother, as another Old Saying says, We have found both too true to make a Jest on; for our Allowance, formerly, if any of us were Sick and out of Commons, was Five Shillings and Eleven-Pence a Week; but now our good Master, Provi­dence Reward him for his Kindness, has reduc’d us to Four Shillings and Five Pence; which, let me tell you, Brother, is a great Abatement in so small a Sum; and is a very great Abuse of the Pious Design and Charitable Good Will of the Donor: We likewise, when we were Sick, had a Bu­shel of Coals per Week, allow’d us, to Warm our Old Noses, under our Infirmities; but now are stinted to just half the Quantity, Thanks to our Good Master for his Christian Love and Kindness to us.

Sometime since, a Brother Pensioner was Sick with a Violent Flux, from the middle of September, to within Ten days of Christmas, in which time his Nurse went se­veral times to the Master, to Obtain a Grant of the Five Shillings and Eleven-Pence per Week, and a whole Bushel of Coals, declaring that his short Allowance was not sufficient to Support him in his low Condition. But, notwithstanding all her Reasonable Pleas and Importunate Solicitations on her Patients behalf, the Master would give no Ear to her Petitions, not taking into his Consideration the Coldness of the Weather, or Tediousness of his Sickness.

Besides, our Diet is much Abated of our Antient Allowance; neither is the Meat so Good.

And notwithstanding these great Abuses, and Retrenchments of us, the poor Pensioners, he has procur’d his own Salary to be advanc’d from Fifty to Two Hundred Pounds per Annum: Who keeps his Coach, and Lives as Great as the Governour of a Town, instead of a Master of an Hospital; but withall gives this Example of Frugality, that he allows but half a Crown a Week to his Trencher-

Trencher-Scraper,Scraper for his Coach-Mans Diet, for which he is Oblig’d to afford him two Meals a day; therefore Judge you what the poor Fellow gets by his Boarder.

Some Years since upon the Twelfth of December, which is held as an Anniversary in Commemoration of the Foun­der, the Reader being Absent upon some extraordinary Occasions, was disappointed by one who promis’d to Officiate for him, and the Congregation was dismiss’d without Prayers. Notwithstanding the Master was in Holy Orders, and at the same time present in the Chapel.

Indeed, reply’d the other, ’tis a sad thing we should be so serv’d; but since we can’t help it, we must Content our selves, I think, with the Cold-Comfort of an Old Say­ing, viz. What can’t be Cur’d must be Endur’d; for Complaint without the Prospect of Redress, is like a Mans Venting his Anger towards another, by Talking to him­self.

By this time my Friend came in, to whom I Com­municated what I overheard, who made light of it, as if they were such Practical Abuses as were scarce worth listening to; saying you never knew any Con­siderable Hospital in your Life, but the Poor Pension­ers live like common Seamen in an East-India Vessel, whose Allowances are so short Home-wards Bound, they are but just kept alive, in a Starving Condition; whilst the Officers grow Fat at a Plentiful Table, and Pinch Estates in a little time, by Abridging the just Dues of their Floating Society.

Thus heartily tired with our Days Ramble, we Paid our Reckoning, and Posted Home to Bed, with as good an Appetite to Rest, as a new Married Lover ever had to the Embraces of his Bride the First Night, or a Hungry Ploughman to a Plumb-Pudding on a Sun­day, when he had walk’d three Mile from Church.

POSTSCRIPT.

THE wonderful Eclipse, which, according to the Promises of Astronomers, was to bring this wick­ed World within Ambs-Ace of the Day of Judgment, tho’ Invisible to us at London, by Reason of a Stinking Fog that arose from wreaking Dunghills, Distillers Fats, and Piping Hot Close-Stool-Pans; which, as the Learned say, could neither be rarified nor dispers’d till the Eclipse was over, by Reason that the Beams of the Sun were intercepted by the Moons Body: For a Truth is asserted by Letters from many Credible Persons in several Countries, Who I hope are all well as I am at this present Writing, Praised, be—for it; Naming Thousands who beheld the Prodigy, as plain as the Old Woman saw the Needle in the Barn Door, who enquired (after she pretended to see the Needle) where abdtits the Barn stood. But, however to Con­firm our Infallible Planet-Peepers in their Unerring Judgments, it was seen upon the Road by many Tra­vellers, especially by stroling Tinkers and their Bud­get-bearing Trulls, Scotch Pedlars, Gipsies, Vagabonds and Cadators; who, if you cross but their Hands with a piece of Silver, or clear but their Eyes with a Cup of Humming Liquor, are able to see Fa-ries Dance, Spirits Walk, Witches Fly, Prodigies in the Clouds, Ble­mishes in the Sun, or the World’s in the Mbon: And since our Star-gazers on their behalf, have such good Evidence to prove the Matter of Fact, I think we had as good put the Contest out of Dispute, and agree with what they say, whose Business it is to know most of the matter. Bttt as further proof of the Eclipse which is still Ridicul’d amongst some Obstinate Belie­vers, these following Persons do say, or think, they saw it as plain in the Town, as ever ’twas seen in the Countrey.

A Vintner behind the Change, being very desirous

of making a clear discovery of this dangerous Inter­position, got a piece of Clay, and bestowed an Hours time in stopping up the bottom of his Cullendar, all but the middle Hole, thro’ which he peep’d from Nine to Eleven, and does think he saw the Moon, or a Cloud between the Sun and the Cullendar, but cannot be po­sitive which; and therefore his Evidence is of little Validity.

An Upholsterer in Cornhill, being Curious of being as Wise as the rest of his Neighbours, carries a Look­ing-Glass out of his Shop into Stocks-Market, and af­ter he had Earnestly look’d for half an hour and had observ’d a small Glimpse of; the Eclipse; a Porter coming by with a heavy Burthen by accident stum­bled, and Pitch’d tne Corner of his. Bundle between the Upholsterers Neck and Shoulders, Knocks him down, and breaks the Looking-Glass, and the Porter Recovering himself, march’d forward with his Load: Up rises the fallen Gazer from the Ground, with nothing but the Frame and Back-Board in his Hand; and shaking his Head at his Misfortune, thus express’d himself to the People, Alas! Alas! I fear the Terrible Effects of this Eclipse will be very fatal to poor England; for if just a Glimpse of it will bring a Man to this disaster, may Providence defend the whole Kingdom from its Malicious Influence.

Happening to be in Company with a very famous Astrologer, I was willing to enquire a little into what effects he thought this Eclipse, that had made such a bustle, would have upon that part of the World to which ’twas Visible, more especially England. Why, says he, be­cause you ask me the Question Modestly, I’ll tell you, Master, I do understand from the Authentick Censures of Albuma­zer and Ptolomy, concerning the Circumvolation of Coelestial Bodies which procure perpetual Mutability in this Lower Region, that this Eclipse, being at the New of the Moon, when she first puts on her Horns,

does infalibly Predict as many Cuckolds to be at Horn-Fair this Year, as have been there this se­ven Years. Many Litigious Law-Lovers this year will Sell their Coats to Contend for the value of a But­ton; and the Lawyers Prate the Fools into Compli­ance by bringing them to Poverty. The Poor will die this year faster than the Rich, because there is a Hundred of the one, to one of the other. The Fin­gers of Envy will pick out the Eyes of many a Mans Reputation, and the Affections of Women will be as easily gain’d, and as hardly preserv’d as ever. To be plain, I believe we shall have much such another World on’t, as we had the last Year, and so I suppose, we shall not differ in Opinion.

THE
London-Spy.
PART XII.

HAVING heard of a Fam’d Coffee-House in Aldersgate-Street, where Doctors of the Body, who Study Machiavel much more than Hippocrates, Metamorphose themselves into State Politicians; and the slippery Tongues of thoughtless Mechanicks, undertake to Expound the Mysteries of Scripture, by the Power of Grace without Learning; we were willing to refresh our Intelects with their Improving Discourses; in which, tho’ we had but little Expectancy of discovering much of the Innocency of the Dove, yet we had some hopes of Inspecting a little further into the Subtlety of the Serpent. Thither accordingly we Steer’d our Course, and enter’d the Antient Fabrick, by Antiquity made Venerable, whose inside was lin’d with as great a Number of Geneva Christians, as if they were met to Sign some Canting Address to Cheat the Government

into a good Opinion of their Loyalty, whose Zeal to the Good Old Cause was so Legible in their Looks, as if they had contracted their Faces into Lines and Shrivels by looking awry upon Monarchy. Some were highly extolling the Dutch Government; setting forth the Freedom and Prosperity of all such People who Flourish under the happy Constitution of a Common-Wealth. Others commending the Conduct of all Affairs under the Protector-ship of Cromwell; and how far the Felicity of the Nation in those Days exceeded the present Happiness of the King­dom, so much boasted of by the Blind Lovers of Kingly Power and Episcopacy. At last up starts a bun­dle of Verbosity, who I had seen often at a Coffee-House near the Court of Requests, tho’ never here be­fore, to my Rememberance, notwithstanding I have gone frequently to the House; He is not tall enough to be a Compleat Man, nor short enough to be a Monkey, having more Mercury in his Head than there is in a Weather-Glass. His Tongue began to flutter about his Mouth, like a Wild Bird trapan’d into a Cage; spitting as much Venom against Monarchy, as ever Was spew’d up after a full Sto­mach at a Calves-Head-Feast. His Voice is as untuna­ble when he speaks, as the Screaking of a Country Sign in a high Wind, that were a Blind Man to hear him talk, he might easily mistake the Sound to be the Whining of some Puppy that wants the Dug in his Dams Absence. He has one Rhetorical Excel­lency which becomes him wonderfully, he will as­sert a Falsity to be Truth with as Graceful an Impudence, as ever the Salamanca-Saviour of our Lives and Liberties, did when he affirmed Don John of Austria to be a Tall Black Man, who was quite opposite to the Description. He is one who will never own him­self to be in the Wrong, and yet is never in the Right; but takes: as much Pleasure in the Justification of a

Lye, as if he was cut out by Nature to be a Plot-Evi­dence. What commonly he Reports is as distinguish­able from Truth, as Copper is from Gold: Yet no­thing, does he bear with more Impatience than Contradiction. He has got the Secret History of King Charles and King James; also Imago Regis and some other Fam’d pieces of the Doctor’s Scurri­lity by Heart; and has acquir’d from thence as rare a knack of Railing against Kings, Justifying the Martyrdom of King Charles, and Blackening the Race of the Stuarts, as if he was at first a Maggot bred in one of Shaftsburys T—ds, and afterwards became a Wasp in a Natural Propensity to Sting and Wound the Memory of so Unfortunate a Family. I thought it so Ungrateful to any Charitable Ear, to hear a Rattle-headed Prattle-Box set up to Reform the Church, new Model the Government, and Calumniate the best of Princes, that I no longer could forbear giving him such a Reproof as I thought so vain a Babler did in Justice deserve; which he highly Resented, and grew as hot as a Bot­chers Goose, to press down the Nitty Seams of an old Doublet; that I feared he would have burst out into such an Ungovernable Flame, which nothing could have quenched but a good Cudgel. My Friend and I gave him no time to Cool, but still fed his Passion with a supply of sharp Reflections on his past Talk, till we had spur’d him at last to such a pitch of Madness, that he boild up into a Ridiculous Froth, which rendered him a Laughing Stock to the whole Company; boasting what In­terest he had in the Parliament House, and how ma­ny Ay’s or No’s, were ready to serve him upon all just Occasions. We found our selves obliged to Prosecute our Undertaking to the utmost; for we had Reason to believe, if we had lain down the Scourge, he would have taken it up, and have us’d

it against us, with much less Modesty and more Bar­barity: So that being once engag’d we were forced in our own Defence to pursue the Battle to a Com­pleat Victory, which, with much difficulty, we ob­tain’d, that he leap’d up from his Seat, and ran away; branding us, as he went out, with the Name of Papists, for no other Cause, but that we would not suffer him to Rail without Reason. Talk Non­sense without Reproof, and tire the Ears of the Company with nothing but Malicious In­vectives against the Pious Martyr and his Sons; whose Names are too Sacred, as being Princes, for the Utterance of so Vile a Tongue.

As soon as he was gone, I was desirous of knowing what this Carcase-full of Spleen, Ignorance, and Ill-Nature could be; and to satisfie my Curiosity, I enquir’d of a Gentleman that sat next me, who disco­ver’d by his Talk, he had some Knowledge of him, and he told me the chief of his Business was to sell Pic­tures by Auction. Nay, says my Friend, if he be an Auctioneer, he’s the more Excusable; for Cozening and Lying are the two most Necessary Talants of his Profession; and I’ll warrant you, he puts ’em both in Practice, as often as he has Opportunity, because he would not willingly lose such Profitable Qualifications, for want of Using.

As my Friend and I were reflecting between our selves upon some of the Insolent Expressions of our Shatter-Brain’d Renegado, a Merry Pleasant Look’d Gentleman step’d into the Coffee-House, sits down, and whilst he was filling a Pipe of Tobacco, Entertain­ed tertain’d the Company with this following Intelligence of

a Remarkable Breakfast provided by a Generous Vint­ner, on Tuesday the 24th, in Order to Treat his Guests on the following Thursday Morning, upon which Day, all Customers were to be Free to Feast their Bellies, and You’re Wellcome Gentlemen; an Account of which he gave us in a Witty Dialect, after a Comical manner, which I will endeavour to Imitate, in hopes to Divert the Reader.

Gentlemen, says he, I have seen such a Sight to day, would make a Spaniard change his Pace, and turn his Stately Steps into a Dog-Trot, to run after it; nay, make a Dutchman in surprize, pluck his Hands out of his Pockets, and hold ’em up, like an Englishman going to be Hang’d, to Praise the God of Plenty for Blessing his Greedy Eyes with so wonderful a Feast; or put a Frenchman into as great an Amazement, as the Snow did the Bantum Ambassador. Pray, Sir, says a Grave Gentleman that sat by, What, would it make an Englishman do Nothing? Yes, Sir, answered the other, it would make an Englishman Whet his Knife, if it were drest, and fall on without Grace, and stuff his Belly till it was as hard as a Foot-Ball, before he would Rise from the Table. But, Sir, says the Old Gentleman, You’ll for­get, I am afraid, to tell us what it was; we want to know that, Sir. Why, Sir, says he, Then I’ll tell you, It was a piece of Roasting Beef, but of such an Extraordinary Size that Ten Men might Ride upon’t, without Incommoding themselves any other way, than by Greasing of their Bree­ches; and but turn it on its Back, and it will carry as many People within-side, as a Graves-End-Wherry; it was the whole length of a Huge, Large, Long, Lin­colnshire Ox, fed up from a Calf upon all long Grass, that he might grow the Longer. There were no Scales at the Custom-House, big enough to weigh it; so that they were forc’d to drive it down to Wapping in a Cart, and

weigh it by an Anchor in Smith’s Stillyards, where they weigh their Anchors to discover the true weight; it proving, up­on exact Computation, to be four hundred and fifteen Pounds; which Magnificent piece of Beef, notwithstand­ing its Ponderosity, will certainly, on a Day appointed, by some strong Jaw’d Men of the Law, be taken up by the Teeth without the Assistance of the Southwark Sampson, who breaks Carmens Ribs with a Hug, snaps Cable, like a Twine-Thread, and draws Dray-Horses upon their Arses with as much ease as a Westphalia Hog can crack a Cocoa-Nut? But, pray Sir, says Mr. Inquisitive, How did they get it Home to the Tavern? The Gentleman reply’d It was Kill’d in Butcher-Hall-Lane, and re­moved from thence, by the assistance of as many Butchers walking under it, as there are Porters under a Pageant upon a Lord-Mayors-Day; some of the Bloody Frater­nity walking before, with their Cleavers mounted on their Shoulders, as so many Maces; and thus they Convey’d it Home in as much Triamph as if it had been a City Magistrate going to Persecute the Bakers; attended with as many Mob, as the Victuallers Corps that lay in State, when he was carried to be Buried with a Drawn Sword upon his Coffin, instead of a Double Chalk and a Tap-Tub. Pray Sir, says he, where is this Leviathan of Beef to be devoured, that a Man may view this Gluttonous Prodigy, before the Cooks have mangled it out of all shape with their Bucks-Horn-Handled Scimiters? Why, Sir, says he, At the Kings Head Tavern, at Chancery-Lane-End, where, at this time, the Honestest Vintner in London Lives; where the best Wine in England is to be Drank, and the Stateliest piece of Beef in Christendom is to be Roasted.

Our Pipes being out, tho’ we imagin’d he might Illustrate the Story, Sir Harry Blunt like, with some few Advantages; yet we believ’d in the main there was something in it worth our Inspection. Upon which we determin’d to Adjourn to the Tavern, where the Gentleman Reported this Extravagant Breakfast was to be Eaten.

Accordingly we discharged our Reckoning and made our Exit, and being Spur’d with the Con­ceit of this Amusing Whim, as the Gentleman had render’d it by his Diverting Account, we stumbled along o’er the Pebble Stones, as fast as a Penny-Post-Man, or a Temple-Student with a Bill into the City to receive his Quarterage, till we came to the Door of this happy Mansion; which, according to the Re­port we heard, abounded with those Delights that were in other Taverns very difficult to be found: But met with such Crowds in Opposition, some striving for Entrance, and others for an Exit, that we were forced to struggle as hard for our Admittance, as a couple of belated Beaus do to squeeze into the Pit, when the Girl is to Sing a new Bawdy Song, or Dogget in Love for Love, isto play Son Benjamin; but at last, with no small striving, we shot the En­try into a Pav’d Yard, where we waited as long for a sight of the Carcase of the Beast, as a Gen­tleman in Adversity does for the sight of a Great Man, when his Business is to Beg a Favour, or put him in mind of a Promise he never intended to per­form. At last, in the Interchange of Comers and Goers, we slipt into the Kitchen, where about a Do­zen of the most Eminent Jack-winders in Fleet-Street, some in their Night-Caps and White Aprons, like Heathen Priests, going to kill the Sacrifice; others with their Sweaty Hair ty’d back in a Black List Garter, that it might not hang in their Light, and hinder them in the performance of their difficult Task they had undertaken, which was to Spit this unwiel­dy Monster, with such Mathematical Judgment, that it should run round by the help of a Turnspit with as true a Poise, as the Sail of a Wind-Mill in a fresh Gale: After they in vain had wounded the Back of Beef in sundry Places, either an Ach-Bone, a Chine-Bone, a Blade-Bone, or a Rib, standing in their way, still de-

deny’d ny’d Entrance to their Mass, Weapon, that they Puff’d and Blow’d like so many Custom-House Porters lifting at a Wooll-Pack; at last sitting down like a Jury of Inquest over a Dead Corps, they began to Consult of some new Measures, to force this Stubborn piece of Mans-Meat into a Submission of being Roasted: At last one of the Burgesses of the Dripping-Pan starts up, and wisely made this motion to the rest of the Grea-sie Brotherhood, My Honest Friends and Neigh­bours, since we, the Professors of, and Well-Wishers to the Noble Art of Cookery, are Assembled together in our pro­per Element, the Kitchen, upon this solemn Occasion, let us not be baffled by a Back-Bone of an Ox, but let us stir up our Brains with the Fire-Fork of Understanding, and by the Flame of right Reason give fresh Light to our Judg­ements, that we may see to Spit this Pack-Saddle of Beef, or the Reflections of the Town will put us all upon the Rack, and every sawcy Jack will tumble our Reputation into the Dripping-Pan. I therefore declare my Opinion is, That we forthwith send for my Neighbour Knockdowdy, the Smith, and his Man, Thump, and by the Assistance of them and their Sledges, we may compleat our Task in as little time as Man may boil an Egg, or melt a Pound of Butter. Just as the whole Society of Lick-Fingers, had, with great applause, very highly approv’d of their Brother Skim-Pot’s Advice, who should Crowd into the Cooks Territories, but a Car­penter Arm’d with a huge Mallet, as if Providence had sent him purposely to their Assistance, who un­dertook to do more Work with his Wooden Wea­pon at one Blow, than all the Cholerick Com­pany of Unthinking Bunglers were able to do, with their United Strength without him. This Speech gave ’em fresh Courage, so that every Epicurean Minion started up as Nimbly to his Business, as a Master of Anatomy at Surgeons-Hall, to a Dissection, instead of the Spitting of a Dead Carcase.

The Underlings of the Sweating Tribe were appointed pointed to sharpen Broom-staves; the Vintner having that Day broke all the Kent-Street Merchants, who came by the Door, that the Handles of their Ware might be Poin­ted into Skewers for his Beef, and the Broom be Bound up into Brushes, not to Sell to his Customers, but to Kindle that Mountainous Aetna, at which this more astonishing Breakfast, than ever was seen in He­liogabalous’s Kitchen, was to be Roasted.

When, with the Industry of all the Culinarian-Crew they had made a Thorough-Fare for the Spit, from the Right Buttock of the Beast, to the Left Shoulder of the Non-Resisting Morsel, such Acclamations of Joy were Belch’d up by the Greasie Undertakers, as would have dash’d a Mob out of Countenance, that were Yelping out their Huzza’s at a Gun-Powder-Treason Bonfire; and he that was the chief Leader of the Knights of the Frying-Pan, strutted about the Kitchen with his Arms on Kimbo, Puffing and Swelling, like Drawcan sir, in the Rehearsal, after, with his own single Hand, he had Slain a whole Army; crying out with Maje­stical Voice, ’Tis done! ’Tis done! The mighty Deed is done! which Words were no sooner spoke, but in comes Raggoe-Raicy, and after him a Neighbouring Brother Sloven, Chief President of the Slab-Dabs, who seeing the Noble Duke of Carnis Bubalinae truss’d up to his good Behaviour on a Spit, containing as much Iron as, by Computation, would have made a Sheet-Anchor for one of Julius Caesars first Rates, when the whole Fleet Rid in Holbourn Ditch, upon his first Lan­ding in London, fell into such a wonderful Rage, to think they should be so slighted, and not have timely Summons to appear at so great a Solemnity, but lose the Reputation of having any thing to do in so re­markable an Adventure in their own proper Business, that they fell both into a mighty Passion, with the Master of the House, One Vowing Revenge to the Vintner for his

sake, and that he would put no more Sack in his Puddings for a Twelvemonth: The other Swearing, for ought he knew, he would use no more Claret in Fish-Sauce, as long as he Liv’d, but would make the Knaves as humble to a Cook, as a Tipstaff is to a Lord-Chief-Justice, if every Brother Coquus was but of his Mind, for the great Indignity he had put upon the Profession, by Neglecting to Invite, not only two such Neighbours and Customers, but Men so Eminent in their Genera­tion, for Conquering all difficulties in the Noble Art of Cookery; who had Spit so many Chines, Barons, Sides and Sirloins, and not to be at the Spitting of his Grace the Duke, when they had so just a Title to be present at the Action: Well, it was such an Affront, that if they had him but at Home in either of their own Kitchens, they would Roast-him, and Toast-him, and Tumble-him about in the Drip­ping-Pan, till they had made him a Greasie Sop, jit for the Devils Eating. Having thus vented their Passions, they both look’d Bluff upon the Bar, and turn’d out of the House in as Splenetick an Humour, as if a Sawce-Pan of Butter had run to Oyl, the Venison-Pasty been over Bak’d, or the Fat fall’n into the Fire.

The chief Operator and his Assistants, who were so very Joyful they at last had over-come the great­est of their difficulty, like Prudent Artificers, be­gan now to Examine the Truth of their Work, and try whether it was Pois’d with that Exactness as was Necessary, for the Ease of the Turn-Spit, but found, like Notable Conjurers, that one side was too heavy by as many Pound as t’other was too light; which was no way to be Remedied, but by Chipping and Paring, till they had brought ’em to an Equali­ty, which by that time they had Cut off as many Slivers as amounted to “the Weight of about Fifty Pound, was finish’d effectually with great Gladness and Ap­plause.

Beef stakes, we now observ’d, were as Plenty about House as Yolks of Eggs in Brewing-time; which Encourag’d us, notwithstanding the Hurry, to sit down in the Kitchen, and take share of the Superflui­ty, and also over our Flask to take Notice of the di­vers Humours, and various Sentiments of the Nume­rous Spectators, who flock’d in and out as fast to behold the Novelty, as if it had been the Corps of an Old Woman laid in State, that had Hang’d herself for Love of a Young Fellow of Five and Twenty. A­mongst the rest in came an Old Gentleman, who look’d as Grave as a Modern Philosopher, in the Labo­ratory of an Alchymist; and that he might take a more satisfactory Survey of this Uncommon Eatable, which look’d as frightful upon the Spit, as the Flying-Dra­gon upon St. George’s Spear, when he Rescu’d the Damsel from the Teeth and Talons of the Furious Monster. After he had fumbled as long in his Pockets as a Hypocrite does to find a Farthing for a Beggar, he at last pulls out his Artificial Peepers, which he mounted upon the handle of his Face, that the wonderful Object might be render’d the more Conspicu­ous; round which he walk’d with as much Circumspection, as ever a prying Virtuoso did round a Glass Bee-Hive, to observe how the Winged Labourers Work their Honey-Combs, telling the Ribs, measuring the length with his Crutch-headed Cane, guessing at the weight, turning up the Rump, as the Monkey did the Cats-Tail, when he run the Spiggot in her Fundament, and holding up his Hands like a Bel­ly-Saint craving a Blessing upon his Food, he broke out into this Joyful Rapture, Look ye, d’ye see, Gen­tlemen, on the t’other hand, it may be, we are the hap­piest Nation in the World; for let us but Consider, d’ye hear me, what a Blessing of Providence it is, as a Man may say, that such a Glorious Sight as this, a Glorious Sight, I say, is to be seen amongst u s

after so long a War; that let me tell you, had it continu’d till now, such a piece of Beef as this, without great Mercy, would have been a much more Graceful sight than the Fattest Alderman in London: Then fell a Laughing at his Jest, till he brought himself into a Fit of the Physick, which put a Period to his Learned Oration.

The next Spectator that was worth our Notice, was a kind of a Captain Bluster, who was so brimfull of Oaths, that he ran over like a Southwark-Ditch at a Spring-Tide; and, I am apt to believe, were his Bottom to be fathomed, he would prove as Filthy. Why, a Pox, says he to one of the Drawers, was your Master such a Fool to have the Head cut off, which would have been so great a Grace to your Pack-Saddle Monster, that I’ll warrant you, there’s never a Cuckold in Town but what would have had a peep at him? The Reason, Sir, says the Drawer, that my Master had it cut off was, because the Range is not long enough to Roast it. Cats Nouns, says the Gentleman, your Cooks are all Blockheads, for they might have thrust it as short with the Head on, as tis now without it. How, Sir? Says the Master of the Roast, with great Indignation, I have been a Student in the Art of Cookery above this twenty Tears, and I do affirm, Sir, that what you say is impossi­ble. Then do I say, reply’d the Gentleman, that thou art a meer Cods Head of a Cook, and I can tell thee which way it may be done presently, if the Head had been on. I’ll hold you, Sir, says the Cook, the Price of the Beef to a Pound of Kitchen-stuff, if the Head had been on, it must have required so much the longer Fire to have Roasted it. No, no, says the Gentleman, it had been but Jointing the Neck, and you might have brought the Head round, and have stuck one of the Horns thro’ the Body, as you do the Bill of a Wood-Cock; what think you of that, Domine Coquus? Efaith, Master, says he, I did not think of that; now you have put it in my Head, I don’t Question but I could have done it; but what should

we have done with the Horn that was next the Fire? For that, says he, would have hung upon the Range, and stopt the going of the Meat. That, says the Gentleman, I should have design’d for the Cooks Fees. At which, the Company fell into a Laughter, which kindled such a Fire in the Cooks Countenance, that his Looks were almost suf­ficient to have Scalded the Company out of the Kitchen.

By this time we had Eat a Stake, and Drank up our Flask of Wine, and being quite tired with the Cook’s Clutter, the Confusion of Tongues, the Hur­ry of the House, and other Inconveniences, that al­ways attend such Publick Novelties; we adjourn’d to our own Homes in order to dispatch some Dome-stick Business, which together with Reposing Nature, took up our time till Thursday Morning, upon which Day this Liberal Entertainment was to be in a Roasted Readiness to Oblige the Guests.

When the Morning came, my Friend and I ha­ving a great desire to discover what an Attractive Influence such a Magnificent Piece of Beef had upon the Stomachs of this Town, resolv’d not to lose the Opportunity of Gratifying our Palates, as well as Feasting our Eyes, and of coming in for our share of the Benefit, as well as the rest of the Town Epicures; and that we might also the better inform our selves how the Whim took amongst those Tippling Gud­geons, for whom the alluring Bait was in chief design’d. When We came to the Door we had more difficulty to get Admittance than we had before; for as many People Were Crowding to see it at the Fire as there were to see the Ox Roasted Upon the Ice. When we had squeez’d side-ways thro’ the Entry, with as much Pains as a fat Man takes to shove his Guts thro’ a narrow Turn-stile, we got in­to the Yard, where such a Litter of Drawers were Scampering from Cellar to Bar, and from Bar to

Company, that it was difficult to believe the whole House could have Entertain’d Guests sufficient to have required such a Number of Attendance; as many Bells ratling at a time as o’er a Green Birds Cage, when the Feathered Animal (tho’ it hates a Cat) rings Whittington; the Servants all Puffing and Blowing like Grey-Hounds after a Course, Sweating like a couple of Chairmen in the Dog-days, who had just set down a Bulky Nobleman. The Kitchen being now as hot as Guinea at Noon-day, yet we concluded there we should be best attended, being near the Bar, and the least incommoded for want of Room, could we but reconcile our Bodies to the extraordi­nary Heat, which we thought we could more easily endure, than many other Inconveniencies we should have found elsewhere. Accordingly we ventur’d into the Kitchen, which, at first Entrance, seemed hot enough to have Bak’d a Custard in the middle of it, but seating our selves at a convenient distance from the Fire, and where we drew in a little cool Breath at a Back-Door, we found our selves well settled in a pretty moderate Climate. The poor Carcase of the Beast was by this time so Lamentably Mangled by the Cuts and Slashes of the Broiling Carvers, that had Sir Courtly Nice, or my Lady Squea­mish, been to have taken a view of the Roasting Rarity, they would scarce have Long’d to have been Partakers of the Feast; for the Shoulders and the Ribs were soon stripp’d as bare of their Flesh as if the Tower-Lyons, or the Tyger, had been just at Breakfast on’t; and the But-tock and more Fleshy parts were Cut and Dig’d so full of Holes and Fur­rows, that it look’d as disfigur’d as the Carcase of a Goose, after a couple of Tun-Bellied Church-Wardens have had the Picking of her: Yet the Poor Anatomy Cock’d its Tail, as it run round upon the Spit, like Ralphs Dobbin in a full Gallop; the Turn-spit so

discolour’d with Sweat, Soot, Smoke and Ashes, that both him and his Cookery look’d as if one Devil was Roasting of another, letting fall so fast his Grea­zy Tears, as if it was an Emulation between both, who should afford the most Dripping; the Cook and his Attendants were so very busie about the Carcase of the Beast, that every Round it took, it was at least two or three Pounds the Lighter.

By this time a Generous Plate-full of the Good Creature was brought as a Present to my Friend and I, with all the rest of the Appurtenances at once, without the Trouble of calling; which En­couraged our Appetites, and gave us a better liking to our Treat; which in Justice I must say, according to the Old English way of Praising Beef, was as Rich, Fat, Young, Well-fed, Delicious Meat, as ever was taken into the Mouth, Masticated between the Teeth, and Swallowed into the Belly of a true Englishman. By that time we had made an end of our Plentiful Com­mons, the Bones of the whole Carcase were pared as clean as the sharp Whetted Weapons of the Blunt Dissectors could well Pick ’em, insomuch that the Vintner found himself under a Necessity of sending for two Barons more, or half his Guests would have been disappointed of their Breakfast. For the Templers whose Business called them to Westminster, omit­ted their Accustomary Eating of Roast-beef in Hell, and came Roaring in Crowds with such Devilish Stomachs, which the Exercise of their Lungs in the Hall, had made Insatiate as their Consciences; that their Tongues, as fast as they came in, Pleaded very hard in the Behalf of their Bellies, nothing being heard but Beef, Beef, Beef, threatning to run all to the Devil, presently, if the Master did not retain ’em speedily, by Greasing their Stomachs with a Present of his Fat Opsoniam, which he Promised ’em to do with all imaginable Expedition, and so pacified ’em with

good Words, till the next was Roasted. Having now well fraighted the Hold of our Vessels with Excellent Food and Delicious Wine, at a small Ex­pence, we Scribbled these following Lines with Chalk upon the Wall, so took our Departure from thence, and steer’d our Course to a more Temperate Climate.

Considering Coffee to be a Liquor that sits most ea­sie upon Wine, we thought it the best way to Check the Aspiring Fumes of the most Christian Juice by an Antichristian Dose of Mahometan Loblolly, and to hear what News the Grizly Trumpeters of Fame’s Reports, had rak’d up together from Credulous Nod­dles, who Hear without Attention, Believe without Reason, and Affirm without Probability. According­ly we went into a great Coffee-house by the Temple-Gate, where a parcel of Grave Men were thicken­ing the Air with the Fumes of their Nicotianian Weed; we sat our selves down amongst the Sage Assembly, most of the Company (we observ’d) being as choice of their Words, as a Miser is of his Treasure; each seeming as loth to open his Mouth, as the other his Cabinet, which made me think they had either something extraordinary in ’em, that they lock’d up in their Pythagorian Silence; or else, that they were

a parcel of Cunning Fools, who having a Sense of their Infirmities, were unwilling by their Talk to discover their Ignorance: At last comes in an Old News-Hound, who in Hunting after Intelligence, was at a great Loss, and enquir’d of the rest if any stragling News had come that way. News, reply’d a Jolly Red-fac’d Old Toper, we have News enough, I think, to comfort the Hearts of the whole City in the Days of Affliction: We may remember when the Govern­ment of our Metropolis was fallen in the Hands of the Double refin’d Christians, the Grandure of the Mayoralty, and the rest of the Ancient Glories of London City were reduced so low, they were almost Extinguish’d in the very Socket of Dissention; but since Providence has restored the Chair to the Church, we see every succeeding Lord-Mayor gives us greater Instances of a general regard to the Publick Welfare; who, instead of the severe Execution of the Laws upon poor Wretches, made already by their Miseries the Objects of Pity, rather than of Punishment, extend their Charity to the Releasement, as well as Relief of Prisoners; and give Succour to the Distressed Fatherless and Widows, in­stead of Uncharitable Confinement, and Unreasonable Cor­rection, to those poor Mendicants who have not above Nine-pence or Twelve-pence a Week from the Parish, with­out Begging, to keep ’em from Starving. Besides, says he, Authority we see rightly given into the Hands of those Persons who have just Title to Receive and Execute the same, by being truly Qualified as the Laws require, pre­vent the Ignorant from Dissenting from the Church, and Alienating their obedience from the true Worship of God, as well as from their Soveraign Princes, which Power gi­ven into the Hands of Dissenting Magistrates, hath at all times Encourag’d: When the Sword was carried to the Meeting-House, how empty were the Churches, and Numerous the Congregations of the Saints? But

since the Magistracy of the City is given on the right-side, the Churches are everywhere as full, as if true Christianity of late, by the In­dustry of our Clergy, and Care of our Magistrates, had been greatly advanced; and the Assemblies of the Over-Righteous are grown so very thin, that it is verily Be­liev’d, if things succeed as they begin, the Dancing-Masters about this Town may in little time have Choice of Good Schools, at more Reasonable Rates than ever: And that, I think, Boys, is much better News, than to see Paul’s Church as empty as a Saturdays Change, and the Meeting-Houses as full as Westminster-Hall, in an Issuable Term. Most of the Company agreeing rightly with the Old Gentlemans Sentiments, Applauded him very highly for so heartily expressing his Affections to the Esta­blish’d Church. This serious Speech of the Old Ca­valiers, was a Key to the Hearts of all the rest, who began, after one had open’d, like a Pack of true Beagles at full Cry, to Hunt down the Churches Enemies with all imaginable speed; all expressing so Venerable a Character of the present Lord-Mayor, that few Magi­strates have Deserv’d, and scarce any Enjoy’d; so highly Extolling him for his great Charity towards the Poor Prisoners, and many other Commendable Acts of Hospitality; which has deservedly rais’d him to so high an Esteem among all Good Christians, that if no Mismanagement of his own, in the residue of his time, shall futurely sully his Reputation, when he resigns his Office he will leave behind him so Worthy a Pattern of Authority, that it will be a Puzzling Task for his Successors, tho’ Brave Men, to imitate.

Having now wasted our time till about Nine at Night, we thought it a reasonable hour to take leave of the Coffee-House, and repair to our own Lodgings, where my Business engag’d me to continue close till the Triumphs of the City call’d me to make one of the Innumerable Multitude of the Gaping Spectators. When the Morning came that my Lord-Mayor and his At­tendants were to take their Amphibious Journey to Westminster-Hall, where his Lordship, according to the Custom of his Ancestors, was, by a Kiss of Calves-Leather, to make a fair Promise to Her Majesty, I e­quip’d my Carcase in order to bear with little Dam­mage, the Hussies and Affronts of the Unmannerly Mo­bility, of whose Wild Pastimes and Unlucky Attacks, I had no little Apprehension; and when my Friend and I had thus carefully Shelter’d our selves under our Ancient Drabdeberries, against their Dirty As­saults, we ventur’d to move towards Cheap-side, where I thought the Triumphs would be most Visible, and the Rabble most Rude, looking upon the Mad Fro­licks and Whimsies of the latter, to be altogether

as Diverting (provided a Man takes Care of the Danger) as the Solemn Grandure and Gravity of the former. When I came to the End of Blow-Bladder-Street, I saw such a Crowd before my Eyes, that I could scarce forbear thinking the very Stones of the Street, by the Harmony of their Drums and Trum­pets, were Metamorphos’d into Men, Women, and Children; the Balconies were hung, with Old Tapste­ry, and Turky-work Table-Cloths, for the cleanly Leaning of Ladies, with whom they were chiefly filled, which the Mob had soon Pelted into so Dirty a Condition, with their Kennel Ammunition, that some of them looked as Nasty, as the Cover-Cloths of a Led-Horse, that had Travell’d from St. Margates to London in the midst of Winter; the Ladies at every Volley quitting their Post, and Retreating into Dining-Rooms, as safer Garisons to defend them from the Assaults of their Mischievous Enemies; some fretting at their DawVd Scarfs like a Godly Old Woman that had drop’d her Bible in the Dirt, Singed the Nap of her High Crown’d-Hat, or broke her Spectacles; others wiping their New Commodes, which they had bought on purpose to Honour his Lordship, each expressing as much Anger in their looks as a disappointed Bride, or a Dutch Housewife when an Englishman has blow’d his Nose in her Parlour; the Windows of each House, from the Top to the Bottom, being stuffed with Heads, Piled one upon ano­ther, like Skulls in a Charnel-house, all gazing at the Lobcocks in their Coney-skin Pontificalibusses with as much Intention, as if an Indian Prophetess had been Riding thro’ the City upon the Back of a Tyger. Whilst my Friend and I were thus staring at the Spectators, much more than the Show, the Pageants were advanc’d within our view, upon which such a Tide of Mob over-flow’d the Place we stood in that the Wo­men cry’d out for Room, the Children for Breath,

and every Man, whether Citizen or Foreigner, strove very hard for his Freedom. For my own part, I thought my Intrails would have come out of my Mouth, and I should have gone shotten Home, I was so closely Imprisoned between the Bums and Bellies of the Multitude, that I was almost squeez’d as flat a Napkin in a Press, that I heartily would have joyn’d with the Rabble to have cry’d Liberty, Liberty. In this Pageant was a Fellow Riding a Cock-Horse upon a Lyon, but without either Boots or Spurs: as if inten­ded, by the Projector, to shew how the Citizens Ride to Epsome on a Saturday Night, to bear their Wives Company till Monday Morning.

At the Base of the Pedestal were seated four Figures, Representing, according to my most Rational Conjecture, the four Principal Vices of the City, viz. Fraud, Usury, Seeming Sanctity, and Hipocrisie: As soon as this was past, the Industrious Rabble, who hate Idle­ness, had procur’d a Dead Cat, whose Wreaking Pud­dings hung dangling from her torn Belly, cover’d all-over with Dirt, Blood and Nastiness, in which pickle she was handed about by the Babes of Grace, as an Innocent Diversion; every now and then be­ing toss’d into the Face of some Gaping Booby or other; making him look of as delicate a Comple­ction, as if his Cheeks had been Painted between a Tom-T— Man and a Chimney-Sweeper. By that time this sport had gone a little about, crying out, No Squibs, No Squibs; another Pageant approach’d us, wherein an Old Fellow sat in a Blue Gown, Dress’d up like a Country School-Master, only he was Arm’d with a Sythe instead of a Birch-Rod, by which I un­derstood this Figure represented Time, which was de­

design’d, sign’d, as I suppose, to put the City in mind how apt they are to abuse the Old Gentleman, and not dispose of him to such Good Uses as the Laws of God, and the Laws of Man require, but Trifle their time away, in those three Vanities, which were Represent­ed by the three Figures under the Dome, viz. False­hood, Pride and Incontinency, which are chiefly ow­ing to the other four Figures, the Angels, repre­senting, as I suppose, the City’s Imprudence, Impatience, Intemperance, and Inhumanity. When this Pageant was pass’d, the Ingenious Rabble had got a Leathern-Apron, which they tyed full of Sir-reverence, as hard as a Foot-Ball, and afterwards prick’d it full of Holes with a Taylors Bodkin, then flung it from one to ano­ther, it spewing its Excrement thro’ the Ilet-holes up­on every Body it met with; the Mob crying out, when it had hit any Body, All Honey, all Honey. By that time the Plebean Gentry had diverted them­selves about a Quarter of an Hour with this their Oderiferous Sweet-Bag, a third Pageant was advanc’d forward, which appear’d to the Sight much Richer than the rest: What think you, says my Friend, of these Emblems? I think, said I, the chief Figure in it, Represents, as I imagine, a Lady of Pleasure, being Drest in much Costlier Robes than the other Female Representa­tives; which may serve to let the City know that Whores, in this Wicked Age, to the great Dishonour of Vertue, wear Richer Apparel at the Expence of their Keepers, than Honest Women; and those three Maids that Attend her as her Servants, signifie the Pride of a Concubine, who will not be Content with­out three Servants, when the Lawful Wife perhaps must be glad of one; and those four Figures that are plac’d beneath the rest, signifie the sad Calami­ties that attend the Conversation of Lewd Women, viz. Pox, Poverty, Shame and the Gallows. This Pa­geant is chiefly Dedicated to the London-Prentices, at the Charge of the Society for Reformation.

In every Interval between Pageant and Pageant the Mob had still a new Project to put on Foot. By this time they had got a piece of Cloth of a Yard or more Square, this they dipt in the Kennel, till they had made it fit for their purpose, then tost it about, it Expending it self in the Air, and falling on the Heads of two or three at once, made ’em look like so many Bearers under a Pall, every one Lugging a several way to get it off his Head, oftentimes falling together by the Ears about plucking off their Cover-Slut. By that time 40 or 50 of the heedless Spectators were made as Dirty as so many Scavengers, the fourth Pageant was come up, which was a most Stately, Rich, and Noble Chariot, made of Slit-Deal and Paste-Board, and in it sitting a Woman Representing (as I fancy) the Whore of Babylon, drawn by two Goats, signifying her Lust; and upon the Backs of them two Figures Represent­ing Jelousie and Revenge; her Attendance Importing the Miseries that follow her; and the Kettle-Drums and Trumpets serve to show that wheresoe’er she comes ’tis with Terror and Amazement.

The Rabble having chang’d their Sport to a new Scene of Unluckiness, had got a Bullocks-Horn, which they fill’d with Kennel-water, and pour’d it down Peoples Necks, and into their Pockets, that it run down their Legs into their Shoes; the Ignorant Sufferers not readily discovering from whence the wet came, were apt to think they had Bepiss’d themselves. When they had exercis’d this new Invention about a quarter of an Hour, the fifth Pageant mov’d forward, wherein all sorts of Trades were Represented; a Man Working at a Tobacco Engine, as if he was Cutting of Tobacco, but often did not; a Woman turning of a Wheel, as if she Spun, but did not; a Boy, as if he was Dressing an Old Womans Hat, but was not; which was design’d, as I suppose, to Re­flect upon the Frauds and Failings of the City Tra­ders, and show that they often pretend to Do what

they do not, and to be what they are not; and will Say what they Think not, and will Think what they Say not, and that the World might see there are Cheats in all Trades.

THE
London-Spy.
PART XIII.

THE Triumphs of the City being now past by, they drew after them the Mobility, to our safe Deliverance, my Friend and I Cling­ing as fast to a Post, as a Bear to a Ragged Staff, to avoid being carry’d away by the Resistless Torrent of the

Rabble; which, if we had quitted our hold, would have Inevitably happen’d to the farther Bruising of our Ribs, and the great Pennance of our Toes, but on the contrary, finding our selves as safe as the Politick Prince in the Rear of an Engagement, we began to consider in what new Adventure we should spend the remainder of the Day; and at last I remember’d, I had often­times in the Country heard wonderful Tales and Tidings from Higlers, Hawkers, Carriers, Drovers, and such like Habbadyboodies, of several Four-Footed Bar­barian Kings, with many of their Ravenous Subjects, who had for divers Years been kept close Prisoners in Her Majesties Palace and Prison, the Tower of Lon­don, till their Hair was grown so long it hung over their Eyes, like the Foretop of a Parsons Mare, that goes six Days to Plough, and the seventh to Church; and till their Nails were improved to such a terrible Extention, that the Keepers, by Relation, might as well venture to take a Bear by the Tooth, as to come within the reach of ’em, lest they should be worse scratched than ever poor Witch was by her Languishing Sufferer, to dissolve the Charm. The sundry Reports of these amazing Objects, together with many other Inticing Rarities, to be visited at a small Expence, within the Ancient Battlements of this Renown’d Cittadel, which I had received from the Magnifying Mouths of some Boobily Bumpkins, who had stolen so much time from their Waggons and Hay-Carts, as to be Spectators of these surpri­zing Curiosities; had begot in me such an Earnest Desire of beholding these Foreign Monsters, and Do­mestick Engines of Destruction, with Crowns, Scepters, and many other Pompous Knick-Knacks worth any Great Mans Coveting, who prefers Grandure before Ease, and Riches before Safety; insomuch that having pre­vailed with my Friend to Concur with my Proposal, we determined to Steer our Course towards thisState-

StatelylyMagazine, and to spend a little time in viewing the Martial Furniture of that Famous Garison, which States-Men Dread, and Common People Admire.

Having so lately escaped from the Punishment of a Crowd, we were very Cautious how we relaps’d in­to the same Condition; for my Lord-Mayors-Show being past over, the Mob began to divide their Main Body in to distinct Parties, a Division attending each several Company to their proper Hall, gazing at the Grave Noddies, who being perplex’d with ei­ther Horns, Corns, Gout, Stone or Gravel, hobbled after their Hautboys, like the Great Old Dons of the Law, when they Dance the Measures in an Inns-of-Court-Hall upon the first Day of Christmas. But we having hitherto very luckily avoided any Dirty Re­membrances of the Rabbles Civility, notwithstanding we had Carelessly been drawn into such a Company, which had been many a Brave Mans Ruin, yet we ([G-d] thank’d) recover’d our Freedom from their unlucky Hands without Damage, but were so fearful of falling a second time, into their Clutches, that whenever we heard the Waits, Drums or Trumpets behind us, we started forward with as much Dread, as a couple of Church Mice would do from the Diapa­son of Paul’s Organ, for where ever we heard the Bag-Pipes we were assured the Bears were not far off; we thought our selves not free from the danger of some Abuse, till we got thro’ Leaden-Hall-Mar­ket into some of the back Lanes, for the Great Streets were the Chanel of the Mob, who were very care­ful, as they moved along, to improve every Handful of Dirt they could take up to the Prejudice of some­body or other. Crying All Fair, No Body, No Bo­dy; as they do in Frosty Weather, when they break Windows at Foot-ball; the Person Injured having nothing else to do, but to bear his Wrong with much Patience; for Apprehension and Reprehension, will

make ’em double the Mischief. We found little worth our Observation as we passed along, but many Mer­chants Houses as Stately as Princes Palaces, and ’tis Reported by such who have the Opportunity of being fudges of their Inward Hospitality, that their House­keeping within, is answerable to their outward Gran­dure; which if it be, is enough to make our Nobi­lity Blush, to see themselves out-done in that Commendable Liberality, wherein the Honour and Splen­dor of a Great and Rich Man is most Magnificently Visible: Three or four of Qualities Coaches at one Door, two or three Chairs at another, as if the Cour­tiers were come into the City to Kiss the Merchants Wives, and Borrow Money of their Husbands; an old Game that has oft been Plaid, and will never be out of Fashion whilst the City’s Richer than the Court.

When we came upon the Hill, the first Object that more particularly affected us, was that Emblem of Destruction, the Scaffold, from whence Greatness, when too Late, has oft beheld the Happiness and Se­curity of Lower Stations; reflecting with a deep Con­cern on their sudden Prosperity and restless Ambition that had brought ’em to that Fate, which the Con­tentment, under a Moderate Fortune, and a Private Life might have happily prevented; for he that sits too high in the Favour of his Prince, is liable to be deliver’d up, upon Publick Disorders, as a Sacrifice to Appease the Fury of the People; and he that La­bours for a Popular Esteem, is always look’d upon, by his Prince, to be a dangerous Subject; so that, accor­ding to Phoebus’s Caution to his Son Phaeton, ’tis safest to steer the Course of our Lives in a middle Station.

At a little distance from this Memento Mori, stood a very Raged Indigent Prophet, delivering with a thin pair of Jaws, a Shock-Doggish-Beard, and a de­vout Countenance, the Doctrine of Charity, with a

much larger Congregation round him, than I have seen at Church, giving as serious Attention to their Mendicant Shepherd, as if every Listening Member, according to his Condition, design’d to Contribute something towards the Relief of their Distressed Lec­turer; but before he had come to his Use and Application, a Blind Fellow, who had for many Years been one of the Hill-Pensioners takes up his Stand at a lit­tle distance, and out of a Budget, which had as ma­ny Partitions as an old Country Cupboard, for his Sil­ver, Farthings, short Pipes, Tobacco, and Bread and Cheese, &c. he pulls out a couple of little Flutes, claps one to each Corner of his Mouth, and with his Melodious Roundela’s, drew off all the Audience from Charitys poor Chaplain, leaving the Ubiquitari­an Disciple in a wonderful Indignation; calling af­ter ’em as they mov’d off, in this manner, Beloved, Pray Beloved, stay a little, I am just a going to Conclude. Alas! alas! what a Wicked Age do we live in, when Men shall forsake the Word of the Gospel to follow a hobbling Guide, and prefer the Tootings of a Blind Piper before the Delightful Musick of Salvation? But away went all the People, notwithstanding his Reproof, to tic­kle their Ears with the Harmony of their dark Musi­cian. The expectancy of the Paultry, instead of Spiritual Pastor, being quite baulk’d, the Multitude being drawn off without showing him one Example of their Charity amongst ’em all, he march’d Mumb­ling away in a great Fury with his Flock; saying, just as he pass’d by us, They were a Wicked Congregati­on that deserv’d to be Curs’d, and he would Pronounce an Anathema against ’em: And looking over his Shoul­der towards the People, Breath’d but this Comical Execration, viz. I wish your Ears were full of Birdlime, your Eyes full of Cats-Piss, and your Mouths full of Sir-reverence, that you might be all Deaf, Dumb, and Blind, every time you stand to hear that Blind Hedge-Bird Whistle,

when you may bless your Ears with a good Sermon. And having thus express’d himself away he Rambled.

From thence we went into the first Gate of the Tower, where a parcel of Lazy Red-Coats were Loi­tering about like so many City Bull-Dogs at the Poul­try-Compter. We were no sooner past the first Cen­tinel, but right before us, against the Front of a lit­tle House, hung a strange sort of a Picture. My Friend ask’d me what I thought it Represented, or whether I had ever seen any Creature that was like it? To me it seem’d to be the Picture of some Rugged-Faced Mans Head; and after I had compar’d it in my Thoughts to every Body I could recollect, and all the Ideas I could form, I thought, by its flat Nose and ill-favour’d Coun­tenance, it was the likest the Unborn Doctor, the Seventh Son of the Seventh Son, in Moorfields, of any thing that ever I saw in my Life. My Friend Smiling at the odness of my fancy, undeceiv’d me, by telling me ’twas a Lyons Head hung out as a means to Inform Stran­gers that come to see the Tower, that there is the Royal Palace, where the King of Beasts keeps his Court, and may every Day, at a proper distance, be seen at Dinner without danger; tho’, like the Czar of Mus­covy, if you stare at him too near, he’ll be apt to do you a Mischief. This, says he, being the first Sight, let us take it in turn, and then you’ll be better sa­tisfi’d.

Accordingly we went in, where the Yard smelt as Frowzily as a Dove-House, or a Dog-Kennel: In their separate Apartments, were four of their Stern afright­ning Cats hips, one with a Whelp presented to His Late Majesty; of which the Dam was as Fond as an Old Maid, when Married, is of her first Child; one Couchant, another Dormant, a third Passant Guardant, a fourth very Fierce, was Rampant, being a Lyoness, and was as Angry when we spoke to her, as a Milk-Maid when you cry Wo-Ball; she put out her Paw

to me, which was tipt with such ill-favour’d sort of Pruning-Hooks, that rather than she should have sha­ken me by the hand I would have chosen to have ta­ken Old-Nick by his Cloven-Foot, and should have thought my self in less Danger. One of the Keep­ers Servants, whilst he was showing us his Unruly Prisoners, Entertain’d us with a couple of Remarkable Stories, which, because the Tragedy of the one, will render an Escape in the other Story the more Provi­dential, I shall proceed to give ’em the Reader in their proper places, viz. That a Maid, some Years ago, being a Servant to the Keeper, and a Bold Spi­rited Wench, took pleasure, now and then, to help feed the Lyons, and Imprudently believing the Gra­titude of the Beasts would not suffer them to hurt her, she would venture sometimes, tho’ with extraordina­ry caution, to be a little more familiar with them that she ought to be; at last, either Carelessly, or Presumptuously, Ventur’d too near their Dens, and one of the Lions catched hold of her Arm, and tore it quite off at the Shoulder, after a most lamentable manner, before any Body could come to her Assistance, killing her with a Gripe, before he would lose her from his Tallons, till she was made a Miserable Ob­ject of her Own Folly, the Lions Fury, and the Worlds Pity.

This Story he succeeded by another, wherein was shown as Miraculous a Preservation of himself, contrary to the Cruelty the Lion had before us’d to his unhappy Fellow-Servant, which he deliver’d after this follow­ing manner, viz. ’Tis our Custom, says he, when we clean the Lions Dens, to drive ’em down over Night, thro’ a Trap-door, into a lower Conveniency, in or­der to rise early in the Morning, and refresh their Day Apartments, by clearing away their Filth and Nastiness, and having, thro’ Mistake, and not Forget­fulness, left one of the Trap-doors unbolted, which

I thought I had carefully secu­red; I came down in the Morning, before day-light, with my Candle and Lanthorn fasten’d before me to a button, with my Implements in my Hands to dis­patch my Business, as was usual, and going carelessly into one of the Dens, a Lion had return­ed thro’ the Trap-door, and lay Couchant in a cor­ner, with his Head towards me; the sudden surprize of this terrible sight brought me under such Dread­ful Apprehensions of the Danger I was in, that I stood fix’d like a Statue, without the Power of Motion, with my Eyes stedfastly upon the Lyon, and his likewise upon me; I expected nothing but to be torn to pieces every Moment, and was fearful to attempt one Step back, lest my endeavour to shun him might have made him the more eager to have hasten’d my Destructi­on; at last he Rouz’d himself, as I thought, to have made a Breakfast on me; yet, by the assistance of Providence, I had the presence of Mind to keep stea­dy in my Posture for the Reasons aforementioned: He mov’d towards me without expressing in his Coun­tenance either Greediness or Anger; but on the con­trary wag’d his Tail, signifying nothing but Friend­ship in his fawning Behaviour; and after he had sta­red me a little in the Face, he raises himself upon his two Hindmost Feet, and laying his two Fore-Paws upon my Shoulders without hurting me, fell to lick­ing my Face, as a farther Instance of his Gratitude for my Feeding him, as I afterwards conjectur’d, tho’ then I expected every Minute when he would have strip’d my Skin over my Ears as a Poulterer does a Rabbit, and have crack’d my Head between his Teeth as a Monkey does a Small-Nut. His Tongue was so very Rough, that with the few Favourite Kisses he gave me, it made my Cheeks almost as Raw as a Pork Grisken, which I was very glad to take in good part, without a bit of Grumbling: And when he

had thus Saluted me, and given me his sort of Wel­come to his Den, he return’d to his place, and lay’d him down, doing me no farther damage; which unexpected Deliverance hitherto, occasion’d me to take Courage, that I slunk back by degrees, till I re­cover’d the Trap-Door, thro’ which I Jump’d and pluck’d it after me; thus happily, thro’ an especial Providence, escap’d the Fury of so Dangerous a Creature.

The under Keeper having thus ended his Stories, we proceeded to our further view of these Belzebub’s Blood-Hounds, or Lap-Dogs for a She-Devil. Two of them being Dead and their Skins Stuft, one of them having been King Charles’s Lyon, but had no more the Fierceness in his Looks that he had when he was Living, than the Effigies of his good Master at West­minster, has the Presence of the Original; the other that was Stufft, was said to be Queen Mary’s, but made such a Drooping Figure with his False Intrals, that it brought into my mind an Old Proverb, with which I could not but agree, That a Living Dog is better than a Dead Lyon.

The next ill-Favour’d Creatures that were Pre­sented to our Sight, were a couple of pretty looking Hell-Cats, call’d a Tyger, and a Cat-a-Mountain, whose Fierce Penetrating Eyes pierc’d thro’ my Belly, to the sad Griping of my Guts, as if, Basilisk-like, they could have Kill’d at a distance with their very Looks.

In another Apartment, or Ward, for the conveni­ency of drawing a Penny more out of the Pocket of a Spectator, are plac’d these following Animals: First a Leopard, who is grown as Cunning as a cross Bedlamite that loves not to be look’d at; for as a Madman will be apt to Salute you with a Bowl of Chamber-Lye, so will the Leopard, if you come near him, stare in your Face, and Piss upon you, his Urine being as Hot as Aqua Fortis, and stinks worse than a Pole-Cats.

The next Creatures we observ’d were three Hawk-Nos’d Gentlemen call’d Eagles: One Black, and ano­ther in Second-Mourning, a third with a Bald Pate, as if he had been pulling a Crow with his two Com­rades, and like unmerciful Enemies they had peck’d all the Feathers off his Crown, and left it as bare as a Birds Arse. Next to these were a couple of Out-Landish Owles, whose Mouths lay under their Beaks, like an Old Citizens under his Nose, who has Rotted out his Teeth with Eating Custard at the Lord-Mayors Feasts. These Owles, besides Eyes as big as the Glasses of a Convex-Lamp, had each of them long Ears that grew like Horns, under which they look’d as Venerably Grave, as two Aged Aldermen.

The next part of the Show recommended to our Notice, were two Preternatural Objects, being a Dog and a Cat, Pupp’d and Kitten’d but with two Legs each; the former having a Bump upon his Head, which, in derision to our High-Crown’d Ladies, they are plea­sed to call a Top-Knot. Prithee, Friend, said I, to the Man that show’d ’em, what is it that you value these imperfect Vermin for? There’s but little Satisfaction I should think in the Sight of such ill-favour’d Mon­sters: Sir, says the Fellow, whether you know it or no, these Vermin, as you are pleas’d to call ’em, are as highly Priz’d, and as well look’d after, as any Creatures in the Tard. But, Pray Friend, said I, for what reason are they so esteem’d? Why, Sir, says he, because they have but half their Number of Legs. To which I an­swer’d, if that be all the Reason, methinks they should take as much care to feed the Poor Humane Cripples, who were Born with all their Legs, and have lost one half in the Nations Service, and are forc’d to seek their Bread where they can find it; I believe I saw twenty Begging upon the Hill as I came hi­ther. Ah, Sir, says the Fellow, but they are no Rarity: Were it as uncommon a thing to see a Soldier or a Sailor

with but one Leg, as ’tis to see a Dog, or a Cat with no more than two, no question but they would Live as well, and be as much taken Notice on as these are.

From thence we were remov’d into another Di­vision, to see that alluring Creature, so much talk’d on by the Old Poets, call’d the Hyena, which, as they report, has the Voice of a Man, and coming near a Cottage, would cry out like a Traveller in some distress, by which means he decoys the Shepperds out of their Houses, and afterwards devours ’em; which Story, whether it be Truth or Fiction, I could see nothing in the Creature to determine.

Having thus paid Homage to the Kings of the Qua­drupedes, and the lofty Monarch of the Feather’d Kind, whose Ambition, when at Liberty, makes him Soar above all Terrestrial Beings; we moved forward to the second Gate, where a parcel of Bulky Warders, in old Fashion’d Lac’d Jackets, and in Velvet Flat-Caps, hung round with divers colour’d Ribbons, like a Fools Hat upon a Holiday, look’d as fierce as a File of Artillery Ale-Drapers in Buff, when they are going to Besiege a Dunghill in Bunhill-fields, and play at Soldiers one against another to please the Rabble. We had no sooner made a nimbler Step than ordinary beyond the Port-Cullis; as Cautious Citizens do by the Movement, for fear it should tum­ble upon their Heads, but one of these Brawny Beeff-and-Pudding-Eating-Janizaries demanded, like a busie Constable at Midnight, Whither we were going? Thought I, we are no sooner come from Her Majesties Lyons but we are fallen into the Clutches of some of Her Bears, but did not dare to tell them so, for fear the Bloody colour’d Animals would have fallen into a Passion with me, and have spoiled our sight; but, instead of that, informed them, like an Honest Tell-Troth, our real business: They told us we could not be admitted to gratifie our desires without we took a Warder

with us; which we found we were forced to consent to, or return back without the Satisfaction we propos’d. Upon which we ordered him to attend us, and had the Honour of walking up and down the Tower, as great as a Factious Lord Committed for Suspicion of High Treason.

The first thing we observed, when we were past the Gate, was a great Brass Gun, Painted over of a Copper Colour; sure, thought I, this was not done in a Jest, to let Folks who come in here see that Guns, like Bells, are as great Turn-Coats, as those that com­mand ’em, meaning Parsons and Officers, for the one. will Roar, the other Ring, the third Preach, and the fourth Fight for any Power that’s uppermost: And ’tis verily believ’d by all People who have any regard for that prevailing Principle Interest, that they are all in the right on’t.

The next place that fell in its Turn within our No­tice, was the Traytors-Gate, where the fall of the Moat-Waters, or the Cateracts on each side, made so Terri­ble a Noise, that it’s enough to fright a Prisoner that Lodges within the hearing on’t out of the World be­fore his time of Execution: The Passage being Forti­fied by a parcel of Iron Guns, which to me, that un­derstood ’em not, seem’d as Old and as Rusty as the Hinges of the Gates of Babylon; but were, no doubt on’t, in a good Condition of giving a sufficient Re­pulse to any Enemy that should attempt a Violent En­trance.

We were from thence conducted thro’ another Gate, upon an Ascent, as steep as Holbourn-Hill, tho’ not so often dangerous; on the right hand of which stood a Stately Square Stone Fabrick, distinguish’d by the Name of Julius Cæsars Tower; but must needs be as dark within-side as a Country Bee-Hive, having but one Door, and never a Window that I could see, only a little slit or two, no bigger than the mouth

of a Christmas-Box in proportion to its vast Body; made so very close, as I conceive, to keep Fire and Gun-Powder at their proper distance; lest by an un­happy Conjunction of both, it should send more Stones into the City, than the Shop-keepers Wives, notwith­standing their present want, would know how to make good use of.

The next Remarkable Place we came to, was the Churchy whose Rugged out-side appeared with such Antiquity, that I dare engage the External Wall was far more Reverenc’d by the True-Blew Protestant Foot-Guards, than all that could be heard or seen with­in-side.

A little beyond this Holy Closet of a Church, stood the Famous Armory now placed under a New and mo­dish Name The Arsenal, of which I had heard such a . General Applause, that I was particularly desirous of obliging my Curiosity with this Martial Entertain­ment; and accordingly order’d our Burly Guide to conduct us thither; who, pursuant to our Request, Ushered us up a Stately Stair-Case, where, at the Cor­ner of every Lobby, and turning of the Stairs, stood a Wooden-Granadier as Sentinel, Painted in his proper Colours, cut out with as much Exactness upon Board as the Good Housewife’ with their Brooms, very usually set up in Great Families, as good Examples to Servant Wenches, to make ’em mindful of their Cleanliness; but tho’ there were several Figures, yet the Painter, thro’ the narrowness of his Fancy, had made their Postures, and their Faces so exactly alike, that it would be as hard for a Moor-fields Doctor, who Judges Distempers by Urine, to tell Mares-Piss from Maids-Water, as it would be to distinguish one from the other, were they not differently Posted. When we came to the Top of the Stairs, we were sa­luted, as I suppose, with two or three of the Armour­ers Substitutes; one amongst the rest, who I imagine,

was esteemed as their Principal Orator, advanc’d be­fore us, Cap in Hand, with as much Ceremony as a Dancing-Master Ushers the Parents of his Pupils into the School upon a Ball-Day; beginning to tell us, at our Entrance, with an Audible Voice, the Significa­tion of those Figures which first presented to our View; having every thing as ready at his Fingers-ends, as the Fellow that shows the Tombs at Westminster, or as a Savoy Vagabond has the Explanation of his Raree-Show: The first Figure at our coming in, that most affected the Eye, by reason of its Bigness, was a long Range of Muskets and Carbines, that run the length of the Armory, which was distinguished by a Wilder­ness of Arms, whose Locks and Barrels were kept in that Admirable Order, that they shone as Bright as a good Housewifes Spits and Pewter in the Christmas-Holidays: On each side of these were Pistols, Baggonets, Scimiters, Hangers, Cutlaces, and the like, Configurated into Shields, Triumphal-Arches, Gates, Pillasters, Scol­lop-shells, Mullets, Fans, Snakes, Serpents, Sun-beams, Gordon’s-Head, the Waves of the Ocean, Stars and Gar­ters, and in the middle of all, Pillars of Pikes, and turn’d Pillars of Pistols; and at the end of the Wilder­ness, Fire-Arms, placed in the Order of a great Organ; This, says my Friend, is an Allegorical Emblem of a Wolf in Sheeps-Cloathing; for these Engines of De­struction, are never plaid on to any Purpose but in Wars, whose harsh and threatning Sounds Proclaim nothing but Wounds, Death, Discord and Desolation; to have such Mischievous Implements disguis’d under the Form and Figure of a Musical Instrument, which Breaths forth nothing but Peace, Innocence, and De­light, and Harmony, is putting the Devil into a Ca­nonical Robe, or, as I said before, a Wolf into Sheeps-Cloathing.

The next thing that our Expositor recommended to our particular Notice, were Sir William Perkin’s

Arms, taken under Ground at his Country House, as our Voucher told us, pointing more especially to Sir William’s one Carbine and Pistols, of which he made such a terrible Story, that it would have frighted a Country Fellow from looking at ’em, telling us they were Screw’d Barrels, Heptagonically Bored. Why, Friend, said I, thou talkest as if thou Understandest Greek; Prithee what is the meaning of that Word Heptagonically? Oh, Sir, says he, it means a Barrel that will mould a Bullet into a Slug, I don’t know how many times Square, and will Kill as many Men again, and six times as far, as an ordinary Barrel of the same bigness. We could not forbear Smiling at our Interpreters Ig­norance (who we expected would have told us the Barrel consisted of seven sides) answering him accor­ding to his Folly, we seemed to be well satisfied with the Account he gave us. Over the top of this Range of Treasonable Implements, was placed a little Brass Blunderbuss, upon which he fixed his Eyes, turning up the Whites like a God Christian at Prayers, shaking of his Head about half a dozen times, like a sorrow­ful Father about to Reprove his Graceless Progeny, and then plucking one of his Hands out of his Dutch Gloves, he pointed to it with a trembling Finger, and began to open upon the subject after this manner, That Blunderbuss, says he, was designed by the Bloody Assassinators to have killed the King, which God of his great Goodness hath most happily prevented, bringing the Bloody Conspirators to condigne Punishment, and their Traitorous Weapons into the Power of that Glorious Prince whose Life they so basely sought; which are here {blessed be Providence) hung up in his Armory, as the perpetual Me­morandum of His Majesties escape from the Hands of his Popish Enemies, to Gods Great Glory, King Williams Safety, and Englands Happiness.

Our little Holder-forth having done his Blundering Lecture upon the King-killing Blunderbuss, were-

removedmov’d from thence to another Stand, where he show’d us a parcel of Dutch Fire-Locks, with which the King Landed at his first coming to England, which was carried, I suppose, by the Monsters of Men in Bears-Skins with Sarazens-Heads, Long Beards and Terrible Countenances, the Report of which so frightned the Citizens of London and their Wives, that they were in as great a Consternation as at the Midnight Cry of the coming of the Cut-Throat-Irish.

Having thus taken a short view of the most Renown’d Armory in Christendom, according to the Report of those who are far better Judges than my self, we return’d down Stairs with our Warder, who waited at the Door to save his Legs, whilst we feast­ed our Eyes with that Glittering Sight which was to him no Novelty: When we had Descended the Grates, at the bottom Door stood a Bulky Frizzle-Pate (who we might guess by his Fatness, could Write himself no less than Servant to Her Majesty) in a readiness to receive the Accustomary Purchase Money for that Sight which had given our Eyes such an extraordina­ry Satisfaction.

Being now left to a further Consideration of what we should see next, we took a little turn to delibe­rate upon the matter, but were forc’d quickly to make a Result; for the Tower-Rooks began to flutter about us, like so many Salesmen about a Country Fellow, in Long-Lane; only as the one asks whether ye want Coat, Waste-Coat or Breeches, Will you buy any Cloaths; so the other, after the same manner, and in much the same Dialect, Whether you will see the Crown, the whole Regalia, or the Kings Marching Train of Artillery.

My Friend and I considering the Marching Train of Artillery consisted only in Great Guns, enough of which might be seen about the Tower, without pay­ing for’t, made us think it scarce worth while to spend

our Money to take a sight of these Threatning Pot-guns, since all as cou’d be said of ’em, if we had seen ’em, was, They cost the Nation a great deal of Money, were able to Beat down Walls, would give a Devilish Bounce, and Knock a Man on the Head at a great distance; so we agreed to pass by these, and Adjourn to the Horse-Armory, whether we ordered our Guide to Conduct us accordingly. When we were come to the Door, there stood ready to receive us two or three Smugfaced Vulcans, who were as a­miable in Complection, as if, to make themselves In­fernal Beaus, they had Powder’d their Frizled Locks with Lamp-black, and Beautified their Physiogno­mies with Kennel-Water, the Lines of their Faces being so Pounc’d with Dirt, that from the Shoulders upwards, they look’d like so many Anticks Heads in an Ale-House Box, drawn upon the Wall in Charcoal by a Drunken Painter. After our Guide, who look’d in his War­ders Robes, as if he had been cut out of a Tapestry-Hanging, had given a Caution to the Smutty Interpre­ter of this Raree-Show, to tell us, with Deliberation, the Names of his glittering Troop of Superficial He­roes; the Spokesman Introduced us among the Monu­mental Shells of our Deceas’d Princes, which only by the Industry of common Hands, shin’d bright in Memory of those that wore ’em. As we gently mo­ved along and view’d the Princely Scare-Crows, he told us to whom each Suit of Armour did belong Originally, adding some short Memorandums out of History, to every empty Iron-side; some True, some False, supplying that with Invention which he wanted in Memory. He now and then endeavoured to break a Jest to divert his Customers, but did it so like an Irishman, that I had much ado to forbear telling the Fellow what a Fool he was in endeavouring to be Witty. In our Circular Progress round these Men of Metal, mounted on Wooden Horses, we came to the Armour of John of Gaunt, so famous

for his Strength and Stature; and, indeed, if his Coat of Defence was fit for his Body, I believe he was as big as any of the Poetical Giants that Waged War a­gainst Heaven? For on my Conscience a Man may speak without Lying, that is, I mean Standing, that his Armour is near as big about as the Trojan Horse, as you may guess by his very Codpiece, which was almost as big as a Poop-Lanthorn, and better worth a Lewd Ladies Admiration, than any piece of Anti­quity in the Tower. As we were thus amongst the Relicks of our Antient Kings and Generals, I could not forbear Reflecting on some Appearances before me, till I fancy’d my self sunk into Deaths Subterra­nean Territories, where the Just and Wicked, by the Impartial Skeleton, are equally respected. Nor could I, without Concern, behold Tyrants and Martyrs, Con­querours and Cowards, Lawful Princes and Usurpers, shine equally bright by the Skill of an Armourer, in the Eyes of the common People; when if the Spots of Injur’d Blood were to stain the Warlike Ornaments of some who have long since Spilt it, their Arms, which now look bright, would appear of a Sanguine Die, and Record to Posterity those Cruelties which ought never to be forgotten. Whilst I was thus making my self uneasie with these Melanchol­ly Thoughts, we were advanced to the Armour of Will Sommers, the Jester, to which they had added an ill-favour’d Face with Horns upon his Head, and up­on his Nose a pair of Spectacles; on which our Jo­cular Commentator was pleas’d thus Merrily to Descant, This Figure, says he, Represents that Drolling Gentleman Will Sommers, who was Jester to King Henry the Eighth. He had the Misfortune, poor Gentleman, to be in the Con­dition of many an Honest Gentleman, even at this Day, i.e. to have a very handsome Wife, who Lov’d her Neigh­bours much better than her Husband, to which, like an ho­nest well-meaning Contented Man, he would never give

Credit, tho’ he had been often inform’d of her Failings; and because he was so Blind, like many a poor Cuckold in this Age, that he could not see his Horns, which were Conspicu­ous to every body else, he was Presented, by a Nobleman, who had Killed his Wife, with a pair of Spectacles to help his Sight, by which he discern’d his Cuckoldom. It is therefore Order’d he shall still wear ’em to put Old Men in mind that have Handsome Young Wives, that they may easily see they are Cuckolds by the help of their own Spectacles. The next Sub­ject he began to enlarge upon, was King Henry the Eighths Codpiece, which was Lin’d with Red, hung gaping like a Maiden-Head at full Stretch, just Consenting to be Ravish’d: This, says he, is the Cod­piece of that Great Prince, who never spar’d Woman in his Lust, nor Man in his Anger; and in it, to this Day, remains this Vertue, That if any Married Woman, tho’ she has for many Years been Barren, if she but sticks a Pin in this Member-Case, the next time she uses proper means, let her but think of her Tower Pin-Cushion, and she need not fear Conception. From thence we pass’d by several Princes Armour, of which was nothing deliver’d but a bare Name, till we had compleated our Round, and came again to the Door, where hung up­on a Post the Armour of King Somebody, made in the Fashion of a Petty-Coat, in which, as our Dirty Orator reported, he sometimes went a Masquerading, and when he had got a pretty Lady as he lik’d, in a Corner, He us’d, says he, to whip it up in this manner, thrusting the Skirts all up in Folds above the Belly, and under it appear’d a most Princely Scepter, with which he Ruled the Women, and made them do Ho­mage upon their Backs, when ever he required it.

This being the Conclusion of this War-like Opera, we Paid our Money, and made our Exit; our Stutter­ing Perambulator turning his Head over his Shoulder, like a Fox that had Stole a Goose, ask’d us Whether we would see the Crowns, or no? Marry, said I, not I;

Crowns are mighty things, and ought to be Reverenced at a distance: I have heard many a Wise Man say there’s danger in coming too near ’em. Besides, if a Body should not make a Leg handsomly, and Worship ’em as one should do, which, a Country Clown, you know, can perform but awkwardly, they may think a Body stiff Neck’d, and take one for a Disaffected Person to the Government. Prithee, says my Friend, I thought you had more Wit than to be afraid of a fine thing: Why, prithee, a Kings Crown is no living Creature; it cannot bite thee. I know well enough, said I, it is not a living Creature, no more is a Kings Writ, yet I have known it Gripe many a Man to his Ruin; therefore, I tell you, I care as little to come near the one as I do the other should come near me. Besides, I’ll warrant you, our Conductor can inform us as well, as if, at our Expence, we had gone our selves to see ’em. Upon which my Friend ask’d old Bluff-Jacket what part of the Regalia, as he call’d it, was to be seen? Who told us, there was the Royal Crown, and a new one made for the Corona­tion of the late Queen Mary, and three other Crowns wore by Her Majesty, with distinct Robes upon several oc­casions: Also the Salts, Spoons, Forks and Cups, us’d at the Coronation. Which Account we thought as satis­factory from the Mouth of our Guide, as if our own Eyes were Witnesses of the matter, and so Cozen’d the Keeper of our Eighteen-pence a piece; which we thought would serve much better to Exhilerate our Souls, and Feast our Appetites, than to Please our Eyes, and Satisfie our Curiosities.

Having thus taken a remarkable view of most of the Tower Rarities; in respect to the Governour, we gave his House the right Hand as we came out; and Rewarded the Warder with one of Her Majesties Pic­tures in Silver, to his thorow satisfaction and so departed.

We now walk’d down from the Wharf, where at the Entrance, stood such a parcel of Greenwich Water-

Dogs, that I thought they would have tore us in pieces before we could have Elbow’d our way thro’ ’em. At last, with much Difficulty, Sowre Looks, and Negative Answers, we happily cleared our selves of these Fresh-Water Sharks, and took a pleasant Walk by the River-side, where great Guns lay drawn into their proper Order ready to declare the Will and Pleasure of that Great Monarch, who alone commands their Voices, and gives their .Sound Interpretation to the common People; for tho’ the Loud-mouth’d Disputants have but the utterance of one Monosyllable, called Bounce; yet does their Uni­versal Language carry along with it such a Dint of Argument, that neither Logick, Rhetorick, or Phi­losophy, are able to withstand the force on’t: About the middle of the Wharf was a Stone Arch over the Passage to Traytors-Gate, where stood a Sentinel, who, I observed, was very careful no Body should lean up­on it, or touch it, lest their Elbows or their Fingers should wear away Her Majesties Free-Stone; and to Piss against it was a Crime that deserved Capping at least, except (like Swearing at a Presicians Club) for every such Offence you would forfeit Sixpence to the Senti­nel; so that I found it was held much better by the Guards, that a good Subject bursts himself, than they lose the Advantage of a Ridiculous and Shame­ful Custom, which oftentimes frights Fools out of their Money, and serves Wisemen to Blush at.

We walk’d round the Tower, and came again upon the Hill, where Mumpers, Soldiers, and Ballad-Sin­gers, were as busie at Chuck-Farthing and Hustle-Cap, as so many Rooks at a Gaming Ordinary; Wrangling and Squabbling about the foulness of their Play, like so many Knavish Pettifoggers in the Kings-Bench-Walks, about the unfairness of their Practice. From thence we rambled into a Remote part of the Town, which my Friend told me was as much Incognito to

many Thousands in London, as it was to me before e­ver I came into’t: There was as many turnings and windings in and out of every Street, as I believe could be contained in Fair Rosamonds Bower; and that which made me the more astonish’d was, we could walk by forty or fifty Houses, and not see an Ale-House; which was a greater sign of a Sober Neighbourhood, than I had observed before, since I came to London. As we were thus wandring carelessly about, on the other side of the way, we saw a Door very finely Painted, which allured us to cross the Kennel, and give our Eyes the Satisfaction of taking a view of what Mr. Painter, as we thought, had put up at his door to stand the Censure of the Publick; but when we came over, we found, according to our Apprehension, such a parcel of strange Hieroglyphicks, that would have puzzled an Egyptian Magi to have told the mea­ning of ’em. There was a Goat and a Scorpion, a Fish and a Centaur, a Ram and a Crab; and many other such like Whims, at which we could not forbear Laughing. At last, reflecting more seriously, upon the Whim, we found it to be a Representation of the Twelve Signs; from whence we presently concluded no less than an Eminent Conjurer, or some strange foretelling Star-peeper, could be Lord of the House, whose Door was so Gloriously set off with such a Number of Constellations. As we were thus spend­ing our conjectures upon that Inhabitants Profession, out comes a Figure to the Door with such a Malignant Aspect, that a great Belly’d Beggar-Woman, as she ask’d him for a Farthing, turn’d her Head, I observed, another way, for fear her looking in his Face might cause the Child to be like him; one Eye look’d upwards and the other downwards, as if he was Star-gazing with one Eye, and minding his way with the other. What he was, we know not; but the House look’d as if a Conjurer liv’d in’t; and the Man look’d

as if he was bewitch’d. I asked my Friend the Name of that Place, and he told me ’twas Prescot-Street.

Pray, says my Friend, take Notice of yonder Tavern at the Sign of the Green-Monster; that Ta­vern, says he, has Ruin’d almost as many Vintners as Sir Base-ill-fiery-Face. I have known three or four Break out on’t; whether for want of Trade, the Knavery of the Merchant, or Mismanagement, I know not: The first indeed had a very Handsome Wife, but very Jiltish, and suppos’d to be very kind to the Person that set her Up; who when she had once gratified his Lust at a great expence, vexing at his Folly, when he had cool’d his Courage; re-solv’d like a true Letcher, to turn his Lust that could not last, into a Revenge that should and accordingly, brought Ruin upon the whole Fami­ly; the Husband running away into Ireland, leaving the poor Woman to shift for herself, with nothing but what God sent her; which she has since Trusted into the hands of a Draper, but what use he makes of it, you may easily Judge. Truly, said I, I commend the Woman for trusting what her Husband left her with, in the hands of such a Trader, who, when he is never so much tired with her, cannot at last, without great dishonour to the Linnen-Drapers Trade, leave her with­out a Smock to her Back: Which is very commonly the Fate of Women who unhappily enter into such Illegal Contracts.

From thence, like Roving Pirates, who Coveted no Harbour, we Sailed about, we cared not whether, till meer Accident, and our own Motion, without sha­ping any Course, brought us into a Street which both my Friend and my self were equally Strangers to, in which we espy’d a Sumptuous Tabernacle, which being Built so distinguishably from the House of the Lord, and contrary to the Form of Solomons Temple, we were very desirous of knowing which of the Buzzing Sectaries made use of it for a Hive, wherein to Work

(with Fear and Trembling) the Combs of their De­votion, which I very much feared yielded more Wax than Honey; and meeting in our way with a down-right Honest sort of a Fellow, I ask’d him what he call’d that Street? He told me Penitent Street. I ask’d him further, if he knew any peculiar Reason why it was so Christen’d? Who answer’d me very roughly, Because it was Built, he supposed, for a parcel of deep Sinners to Live in, and they call’d it by that Name, to put in mind of Repentance. Who does this Meeting belong to? said I. A Wicked Congregation, says the Fel­low. Prithee, said I, who is their Teacher? The De­vil, says he; I mean, said I, who is it that Prea­ches, or Holds forth here? Oh, ho, says my Respondent, now I over-stand ye; why they call him Ca-sa-sa-ca-laman­ca Doctor, I think, says he, or by such a kind of a hard Name, which I can’t remember, tho’ I have seen him and heard him often; but, as for my part, he does so Whine when he Speaks, that I had as live hear a Capon Crow, as hear him Preach,; and as for his Face, on my Conscience, I think he has a Chin to’t as long as the Handle of my Pick-Ax. Honest Friend, said I, I thank ye, we’ll trouble you no farther, for I know the Man well enough by your Description, good by to you. Nay, said I to my Com­panion, since my Old Acquaintance, the Doctor, has fallen luckily in my way, according to my Old Custom, I must give him a Taste of my Kindness.

THE
London-Spy.
PART XIV.

THE merry Christmas Carnival being now come on, when the good Housewife makes her Husband Eat his Dinner upon a Tren­cher, to preserve her New Scower’d Plates in their Shining Beauty, and Pinch’d the Guts of her Servants for the proceeding Week, that her Windows might be splendidly Adorn’d with Superstitious Greens, and that her Mine’d-Pies and Plumb Porridge might be Ri­cher than her Neighbours: We Rambled from the Reverend Doctors Boarded Theatre, who being lately disgusted at the Ingratitude of his Audience, Divested ’em of their Cushion, and Pulpit-Cloth, which he before had Presented them with, and had also left ’em as Lost-Sheep, to run headlong to Destruction without a Guide.

Being now quite out of our Knowledge we wan­der’d about like a couple of Runaway Prentices, having confin’d our selves to no particular Port, Uncertainty being our Course, and meer Accident our Pilot. Every Street we pass’d thro’ smelling as strong of Roast-Beef and Rosemary, as Pye-Corner does of Pig and Pork, in the Wicked Season of St. Bartholomew. Journey-Men and Prentices we met every where, as thick as Fools in Cheap-side, flocking to S—ms Lottery: The for­mer to Collect their Christmas-Box-Money, and the latter to see themselves Cozen’d out of their Foolish Expectancies. Every Ale-House we came at was Se­ranaded with a Drum to thunder their Rattle-Head­ed Customers into a good Humour of spending their Pence like Asses, which they got like Horses. Every now and then we came to a common Vaulting-School, where peeping in we saw Drunken Tarpaulins and their Taudry Trulls, Dancing to a Scotch Bagpiper, or a Blind Fidler; where, according to the Prophe­cy, there were seven Women to one Man; and at least seventeen Strumpets to one that had Modesty enough in her Looks to be thought otherwise. Some­times meeting in the Street with a Boats Crew, just come on Shore, in search of those Land Debauche­ries which the Sea denies ’em; looking like such Wild, Staring, Gamesome, Uncooth Animals, that a Litter of Squab Rhinocerosses, Drest up in Humane Apparel, could not have made to me a more ungain­ly Appearance: so Mercurial in their Actions, and Rude in their Behaviour, that a Woman could not pass by ’em, but they fell to Sucking her Lips, like so many Horses-Leaches; and were ready to Ride her in the open Street, as if they were absolute Strangers to Christian Civility, and could have Committed a Rape in Publick, without a sense of Shame, or fear of Danger, Quarrelling with one another who should have the first Kiss, like so many Wanton Puppies

after terher Proud Ladiship, Snarling and Contending who shall be next Happy in her Beastly Favours. Every Post they came next was in danger of having its Head broke; for every one as he pass’d by, would give the Senseless Block a Bang with his Cudgel, as if they wish’d every Post they met to be either the Purser or the Boatswain. The very Dogs in the Street, I observ’d, shun’d ’em with as much Fear as a Loitering Vagrant wou’d a Gang of Press-Masters, being so caution’d against their Ill Usage by the Stripes they have formerly receiv’d, that as soon as ever he sees a Seaman, away runs the poor Cur with his Tail between his Legs to avoid the danger of the approaching Evil. I could not forbear Reflecting on the Prudence of those Persons, who send their Un­lucky Children to Sea to Tame and Reform ’em, which I am well satisfied, is like sending a Knave into Scot­land to learn Honesty; a Fool into Ireland to learn Wit; or a Clown into Holland to learn Breeding; by any of which Measures they that send ’em may be sure that instead of mending the Ill Habits they have contracted, the First will return more Wild, the Se­cond more Knavish, the Third more Foolish, and the Fourth a greater Booby.

By the time we had made these Observations and Reflections on those Maritime kind of Monsters, who had little more to show they were Men, than that they Walk’d Upright, we were straggl’d into Wap­ping; and being pretty well tired with our Walk, we went into a Publick House to Refresh our selves with a Sneaker of Punch, which was most likely to prove the best Liquor that end of the Town cou’d afford us: The first Figure that accosted us at our Entrance, was a Female Wappineer, whose Crimson Countenance and Double Chin, contain’d within the Borders of a White Callico-Hood, made her Fiery-face look, in my fancy, like a round Red-hot Iron glowing in a

Silver Chavendish; the rest of her Body being in pro­portion to her Head, bore so Corpulent a Grace, that had a Bag of Cotton, or Wooll-Pack been Lac’d in­to a Pair of Stays, adorn’d with Petticoats, and put upon Stilts, it would have made a Figure of such Si­militude to her Person, that the best Wax-worker or Carver in Christendom, could not have represented her in either of their Arts, with truer Dimensions;, or greater Likeness. My Friend having a Sword on, I observed to him she was most respectful, asking him in a Voice as hoarse as a Boatswain, What will you please to Drink, Noble Captain? Believing she could distinguish a Commander from an Inferiour Tar as well by his Sword, as she could a Monkey from a Jack-a-napes by his Tail. After we had answered her question, she had soon Prepar’d us a little Bowl of Spiritual Diapente, which, for want of better, we were forc’d to dispence with. Up in the Chimney Corner sat a great hulking Fellow Smoaking a short Pipe of stinking Tobacco, looking as Melancholly upon the Fire as a Female Wretch does upon a Smith-field Pile, when she is brought to be Burnt for High Trea­son. By and by in comes my Landlady, and like a true Lover of Industry, began to Read him a Lecture against Laziness, tormenting the Ears of the poor deje­cted Water-Rat, with a severe Reprehension, after the following manner. Why, how do you think, John, in your Con­science, I am able to maintain you in this Lazy Life you lead? Thou knowest I have no Money, God help me, but what I Work as hard for, as any Woman in the Parish, therefore, John, it behoves thee to consider I am not able to let thee lye upon me in this Condition. Why, what a Rope ails you, Mo­ther? Reply’d the Fellow, Why, would you have the Conscience to turn me a Drift now I have spent all my Money on Board you, before I have got me another Voyage? You are as hasty with a Body to turn out, as a Boatswain in a Storm. Why, but John, reply’d the

Landlady, dost think to get a Voyage by Smoking in the Chimney Corner? No, says John, but how do you think a Man can look out without a Penny of Money in his Breeches? I Swear by the Pursers Honesty, I had as live step up to Furl the Main-Sail in a Gust of Wind, without a Knife in my Pocket. To which reply’d the old Bel­dam, Why I would not have thee think what I speak is out of any ill will to thee; for as far as I am able: Here, there is Six-pence for thee, and Prithee, John, go and look out, and don’t fling it away Idlely: For consider these hard times, ’tis a great deal of Money. He takes the Six-pence, thanks her; and thus she continues, There are several Ships going out, Bound to the West-Indies, that want Men; and I know thou art as able a Seaman as ever walk’d between Stem and Stern of a Ship, that any Commander will be glad to Enter thee. As to that, Mother, says he, I can speak a Proud Word for my self; there is ne’er a part of a Seaman ,from the Splicing of a Cable to the Cook­ing of the Kettle, but what I know as well as the Boat­swain. Well, Mother, Wish me good Luck, I’ll go see what I can do, as the Gunner said to the Cooks Daughter. She Wish’d he might Prosper in his Endeavours, and away he went.

I could not but reflect on the unhappy Lives of these Salt-Water kind of Vagabonds, who are never at Home, but when they’re at Sea, and always are Wandering when they’re at Home; and never content­ed but when they’re on Shore: They’re never at ease till they’ve receiv’d their Pay, and then never satisfied till they have spent it: And when their Pockets are empty, they are just as much respected by their Land­ladies, (who Cheat them of one half, if they spend the other) as a Father is by his Son-in-Law, who has Begger’d himself to give him a good Portion with his Daughter.

Whilst we were thus busying our Brains with

thoughts relating to the Condition of a Seaman, in steps another of the Tarpauling Fraternity, with his Hat under his Arm, half full of Money, which he hug’d as close as a School-Boy does a Birds-Nest. As soon as ever he came into the Entry, he sets up his Throat, like a Country Bridegroom, half Drunk, so over-joy’d at his Prize, as if he was as little able to contain him­self under the Blessing of so much Money, as a Bump­kin is under a foresight of the Pleasures he expects to find in the Embraces of his New Married Hug-Booby. Ounds, Mother, says our Marine Croessus, where are you? She hearing his Tongue, thought, by his Lively Ex­pressing himself, he had brought good News; came run­ning with all speed to meet him, crying, Here I am, Son Bartholomew; You’re Welcome Ashore. I hope your Captain and Ships Crew are all well. By Fire and Gun­powder, I don’t care if they be all Sick. Why, we are paid off in the Downs, and I am just come up in a Hoy. I hope I can have a Lodging with you, Mother? Ah, ah, Child? Do’st think I won’t find a Lodging for one of my best Chil­dren? In answer to which, he Innocently returns this Compliment, Sure never any Sea-faring Son of a Whore had ever such a good Mother upon Shore as I have. Ounds, Mother, let me have a Bucket full of Punch, that we may Swim and Toss in an Ocean of good Liquor, like a cou­ple of little Pinks in the Bay of Biscay. I always said, said she, thou wert my best Boy: Well, I’ll go and prepare thee such a Bowl, that every Cup thou Drink’st on’t shall make thee wish for a Loving Sweet-Heart. Now, you talk of that, Mother, how does Sister Betty? She’s very well, says old Suck-Pocket; Poor Girl, she’ll be at Home present­ly; I expect her every Minute. I believe she has ask’d for you above a Thousand times since you have been on Board. I dare Swear she would be as glad to see you, as if you were her Husband.

In this Interim, whilst she was mixing up a Sea-Cor­dial for her adopted Sea-Calf, John happens to return

from his Enquiry after a Voyage, Lack-a-day John, says his Landlady, with a seeming Sorrowful Coun­tenance, Here’s the sadest Accident fallen out since you went Abroad, that has put me to such a puzzle, I know not how to order my Affairs, unless you will let me beg one Kindness of you. What a Pox, says JohnJohnJohn, says the Old Wheedling Hipocrite, here’s to thee; come Drink, ’tis a Cup of the best Brandy, I’ll assure you; here, John, fill a long Pipe of Tobacco; well, Son John, you say you’ll let your Mothers Friend have your Room, Child, won’t you? I don’t care not I, says the foolish Lubber, he may ha’t and he wool; I think I han’t long to stay with you; I know now I have spent my Fifty Pound with you, you want to be rid of me.

By this time the Bowl was just begun between Mother and Son; and who should step in, in the luc­ky Minute, but Sister Betty; and there was such a wonderful Mess of Slip-Slop lick’d up between Bro­ther Bat and Sister Bet, that no two Friends, met by Accident in a Foreign Plantation, could have exprest more Joy in their Greeting: But as soon as ever the White-Chapple Salutation was over, Mrs. Betty I found began to exact some further Arguments of his kind­ness, than just barely Kissing; and ask’d him, what had he brought his Sister Betty no Present from Sea with him? Yes, yes, says he, I have, sure, I can as soon forget the Points of my Compass, as forget my Sister Betty, as good a Girl as ever was Kist in a Cabbin, or lost her Maidenhead in a Hammock. I told thee if ever I came Home again I would present you with a Ring, and there’s Money to buy it. How, now, Hussie, crys the Mother, how dare you put your Brother to this Charge, you forward

Baggage you? Pray give it him again, you’d best, or I’ll Ring you, marry will I, Minks. The Daughter well acquainted with her Mothers Hypocrisie, replies, I did not ask him for’t, that I did not, I won’t give it him, that I won’t: As long as he gave it me, I will keep it, that I will, why shou’dnt I?

By this time our Punch was Exhausted, and remem­bring we had heard of a famous Amphibious House of Entertainment, compounded of one half Tavern and t’other Musick-House, made us willing to Dedi­cate half an hour to what Diversion we might there meet with. Accordingly we left the Old Subtile Bel­dam, and her Young Jilting Fricatrix, to empty the Fools-Cap of his Nine Months Earnings, and send his Hat and his Pockets to Sea again, as empty as his Noddle.

As soon as we came to the Sign of the Spiritual Helmet, such as the High-Priests us’d to wear when they bid Defiance to the Devil, we no sooner enter’d the House, but we heard Fidlers and Hoitboys, to­gether with a Hum-drum Organ, make such incompara­ble Musick, that had the Harmonious Grunting of a Hog been added as a Bass to a Ravishing Concert of Caterwauling Performers, in the height of their Extasie, the unusualness of the sound could not have ren­der’d it, to a Nice Ear, more engaging. Having heard of the Beauty and Contrivance of the Publick Musick-Room, as well as other parts of the House, very highly Commended, we agreed, first to take a view of that which was likely to be most remarkable. In order to which we Ascended the Grades, and were Usher’d into a most Stately Apartment, Dedicated purely to the Lovers of Musick, Painting, Dancing, and t’other thing too. No Gilding, Carving, Colouring, or good Contrivance, was here wanting to Illustrate the Beauty of this most Noble Academy; where a good Genius may Learn with safety to abominate Vice;

and a bad Genius as (with as much danger) to Practice it. The Room by its compact Order and costly Improvements, looks so far above the use its now con­verted to, that the Seats are more like Pews than Boxes; and the upper-end, being divided by a Rail, looks more like a Chancel, than a Musick-Box; that I could not but imagine it was Built for a Fanatick Meeting-House, but that they have for ever destroy’d the Sanctity of the place by putting an Organ in it; round which hung a great many pretty Whimsical Pictures, more particularly one, wherein was describ’d the Solemnity formerly us’d at Horn-Fair, which, at first, I took (till I was undeceived) for an Assembly of Grave Citizens going to deliver a Petition to a Court of Common-Council, to desire them to make a By-Act, or An Act by the By; that is, to prevent Cuckold-making. There were but few Companies in the Room; the most Remarkable Person was a Drunken Com­mander, who plucking out a Handful of Money, to give the Musick Six-pence, dropt a Shilling, and was so very Generous, that he gave an Officious Drawer, standing by, half a Crown for stooping to take it up again.

The Master finding we were much pleas’d with the Order and Beauty of his Room of State, was so Civil to ask us to see his House, whose kind offer we very readily Embrac’d, followed him into several cleanly and delightful Rooms, Furnish’d for the En­tertainment of the best of Company; and to render ’em the more Diverting, had so many Whimsical Figures Painted upon the Pannels, that you could have look’d no way but you must see an Antick, whose Po­sture would provoke Laughter, as much as the Dumb Man in the Red-Cap, when his Brains are Agitated with a Cup of Porters Comfort. When he had show’d us the most costly part of his Tippling Con­veniency, he brought us into the Kitchen, which was

Rail’d in with as much Pomp, as if nothing was to be Dress’d in it but a Dinner for a Prince. Over-head hung an Harmonious Choir of Canary-Birds, Singing; and under them a parcel of Sea-Gulls, Drinking; who made such ordinary Figures in so fine a Room, that they look’d as homely as a Bantam Ambassador in one of the Kings Coaches. From thence he Ushe­red us down Stairs into a Subterranean Sanctuary, where his Sunday Friends may be Protected from the Insolence of the Church-Wardens, who every Sunday, like Good Christians, break the Sabbath themselves, to have the Letchery of Punishing others for the same Fault. Round this Sots Retiring-Room, were Painted as many Maggots as ever Crawl’d out of an old Che­shire-Cheese; in one Pannel, a parcel of Drunken Wo­men Tormenting the Devil, some plucking him by the Nose, like St. Dunstan; some Spewing upon his Worship, and others endeavouring to Piss his Eyes out; and many other such-like Whimsies. But the most remarkable of all was the Bonana-Tree, which bears an Evil Fruit, of which Women are most won­derful Lovers: Beneath its Umbrage are a great num­ber of the kind Sex, contending for the Wind-falls; and some are so unreasonable, that notwithstanding they have Gathered up more than they are able to stick in their Girdles, yet exert the utmost of their Strength in endeavouring to shake the Tree; some measuring what they had pick’d up by their Spans, to try whether the Size was Standard; others Quar­relling for those of the largest Growth, like so ma­ny Sows for a great Apple; in which Condition we left ’em to Dispute the matter, and return’d up Stairs, where we Drank a Quart of good Red, thank’d the Master for his Civility, and so departed the House, which may very justly be Stiled, by such who Love Good Wine, and a Pleasant Room to sit in, The Pa­radice of Wapping.

Proposing but little more Diversion at this end of the Town, we thought it our best way to be return­ing Homewards; accordingly we Fac’d about, and to make our walk the more Pleasing, we chose a diffe­rent Path to what we had before Travel’d, which brought us, after a little Rambling, to the Danes Church; it seeming, by the out-side, to be a very Regular and Commodious Building: Which put me upon an Enquiry of my Friend, whether he had ever seen the inside? Who told me Yes; and that it was a Neat and well Compact Tabernacle, but the Congregation to whom it appertained, were such a parcel of Wainscot-fac’d Christians, they were e­nough to scare an English Parson out of the Pulpit, were he to Ascend amongst ’em; and stunk so of Pitch and Tar, that as soon as ever he had clap’d his Nose into the Church, he thought himself Between-Decks. Their Uncomb’d Locks, Tobacco Breaths, Sea-faring Apparel, adding such further Fragrancy to the former, that no Rats that had taken Sanctuary in a Che­shire-Cheese, could have smelt more Frowzily; and further, says my Friend, it is as Vainly and Ridicu­lously Reported, that the Church is covered with one entire Leaf of Copper, without Joint or Sodder, which was Cast in Denmark, but how they stow’d it on Ship-board to bring it over, and how they brought it from the Water-side to the Church, and how at once they raised it to the Roof, neither the Inhabi­tants of the Square, or any Body that Reports it, could ever yet inform me: For granting it were true, the Dimensions must be so large, and the Pondero­sity so great, that it would require in the Casting, as well as in the Disposal, such wonderful Art and Industry that would be worth discovering.

From thence we Rambled on, like a couple of Sweetners in search of a Country Gudgeon, who thro’ greediness of Gain, would bite at his share in a

drop’d Half-Crown, a Gilded-Ring, or Rug and Lea­ther, till we came to a Heathenish part of the Town, distinguish’d, as we found by Enquiry, with the ap­plicable Title of Knock-Varges, adjoining to a Savory place, which, in Ridicule of Fragrant Fumes that a­rise from the Musty Rotten Rags, and Burnt old Shoes, is call’d by the sweet Name of Rosemary Lane; where such a Numberless Congregation of Ill-favou­red Maukins were gather’d together with their Hand-Baskets, that we thought a Fleet of French Prote­stants had been just Arriv’d, and were newly come on Shore with Bag and Baggage, to implore the Cha­rity of English well disposed Christians, to shelter them from the terrible Persecution of Rags, Lice and Poverty: But, upon a true Inquisition into the meaning of this Tatter’d Multitude, being Assembled in this Surprising manner, we were inform’d by a little Draggle-Tail Flat-Cap, it was Rag-Fair, held every Day from between two and three of the Clock in the Afternoon till Night; where all the Ragg-pickers in Town, and such as swop Earthen Ware for Old Apparel, also the Cryers of Old Satin, Taffaty or Velvet, have Recourse to Sell their Commodi­ties, to Cow-Cross Merchants, Long-Lane Sharpers, and other Brokers, who were as busie in Raking in­to their Dunghills of old Shreds and Patches, and ex­amining their Wardrobes of decayed Coats, Breeches, Gowns and Petticoats, as so many Cocks upon a Pile of Horse-dung, scraping about the Filth to find out an Oat worth picking; or like a Parsons Hog, on a Monday Morning, routing about a Church-yard to find a S――nce worth snapping at.

The adjacent Magistrates, we were inform’d, had us’d the utmost of their endeavours to suppress their Meeting, but to no purpose; for their Number bids defiance to all Molestation, and their Impudence and Poverty are such, that they fear neither Goal nor Pun-

Punishmentishment. You may here see the very Scum of the King­dom in a Body, consisting of more Ragged Regiments, than ever, I believe, was Muster’d together gether at any other Rendezvous since the Worlds Creation. It’s a rare place for a Miser to lay his Letchery at a small Expence; for Two-pence will go as far here in Wo­mans Flesh, as half a Crown at Madam Quarles, and with much less danger of Repenting his Bargain. It’s a very Healthful part of the Town to Cure Lazy Peo­ple of the Yellow Jaundice, for Body-Lice are so Plen­ty that I dare engage they may have them without buying. It’s a good Market for Country Farmers to buy their Scare-Crows at; for let them but Bargain with the Rag-Women to dress ’em up some Maukins in imitation of themselves, and they need not fear but fright the Birds out of their Corn, and Hogs out of their Pease-field; for, I observ’d, every Dog that came by, scour’d thro’ ’em with as much expedition, as an Offending Soldier that runs the Gantlet thro’ a Regi­ment. Some of them, who, by many Years Industry, having Conquer’d the Difficulties of this World, and rais’d themselves to the Prodigal pitch of Twenty Shillings before hand, were crept into little Huts and Holes, about as big as a Dog-Kennel, and Lorded it over the Poor Street-sitting Vagabonds, like a Coun­try Justice of Peace over his Poor Neighbours. The Women that cry Pancakes, and the Girls that cry Diddle, Diddle, Dumplins ho, were wonderful busie amongst ’em; and several little Ale-Houses are already crept in amongst ’em, to ease ’em of their Pence as fast as they can raise ’em by the Sale of their Com­modities: The Flesh of the Inhabitants, as well as the Market-People, look’d of such a dingy Complection, as if Dame Nature had mix’d Kennel Dirt with her Clay, as Bricklayers do with their Mortar, to make it bind the faster; or else, as if fresh Water was as scarce in their Neighbourhood as ’tis in Antego. All

Strangers that came by look’d about ’em as if fright­ed; and, like us, till they were better satisfied, thought they’d fallen into a Congregation of Vipers, who look’d as if the good and bad Angles were sharing their Interest in this World; and in order to sepe­rate the Righteous from the Ungodly, the Devil had drove his parcel to this end of the Town, where he had drawn ’em together, in order to Embarque for his Infernal Territories; for it would amaze any Bo­dy at first sight, to think what such a number of Poor Wretches could do together, unless, like Sea­men in a long Calm, they were going to draw Cuts about devouring one another. The chief of their Customers were Mumpers, and People as Ragged as themselves, who came to barter Scraps for Patches; I observing it was a very Currant Swop to change Food for Rayment; that is, such Needful Repairs as a Beg­gars Breeches may want between the Legs, or his Coat at Armpits or Elbows. Some Rags, I observ’d, were parcel’d out for better purposes, and would not be expos’d to any but ready Money Customers; Ma­ny of their Stocks were so very small, that I found Two-pence, or Three-pence, was accounted, amongst some of them, considerable Takings. Yet this ob­servation I made, that amongst all that I beheld as I pass’d thro’ ’em, I saw not one Melancholy or Dejected Countenance amongst ’em; but all showing in their Looks more Content and Chearfulness than you shall find in an Assembly of Great and Rich Men on a Pub­lick Festival: From whence we may Conjecture, that Poverty is commonly attended with such a Careless Indifference, that frees the Mind from reflecting on its Miseries. For, undoubtedly, were these despicable Paupers but to let the unhappiness of their Circum­stances once affect their thoughts, and become the Object of their Consideration, it would have such a Melancholy Effect upon their Spirits, as would be soon

legible in their Looks, and discernable even in their Actions, which would want that Vigour and Vivaci­ty necessary to perform whatever they undertake.

As we were thus Descanting upon the Ragged Sons and Daughters of Necessity, a Formal Figure passed by us, in an Ancient Plate-Button’d Suit, with an Old Fa­shion’d Silver-Hilted Sword tuck’d up to the Waste­band of his Breeches, in a long Wig, buckled up in small Rings, as if, like an old Cavaliers Whiskers, every Hair had been turned up with Gum-Wa­ter, the Curls hanging all as stiff as a Pigs Tail, and as regular as the Worm of a Bottle-Screw, his Hat as Dusty as the top of a Sluts Cupboard, and his Hands and Face looked as Rusty as an old neglected Picture, that had lain seven Years in a Garret full of Rubbish. As he waddled by us in great haste, he gave my Friend the Civility of his Hat, which was returned by us; but looking after him, observed he had left the Print of his Fingers where he had handled the Brims, as plain as a Chimney-Sweeper could have done if he had clap’d a Mealman upon the Shoulders; but taking Notice of his Complaisance, I ask’d my Friend if he had any Acquaintance with him? Who told me, he had seen him sometimes at the Green Dra­gon Tavern, but had little knowledge of him, any other than that he had heard several odd Stories of him, from some who use the House, that are better acquainted with him: He is very Famous among those that know him, for three Slovenly neglects, viz. He very seldom washes his Hands or Face; very rarely Brushes his Hat, and never Combs his Wig but when he goes to Church, which is not above once in a Twelvemonth; for he is a Man of no extraordinary Principles, but one who had run thro’ a great many cunning Professions without Success, as Merchant, Brew­er, Lawyer, &c., and failing in all, is at last, thro’ a Natural Propensity, to exert his Wits turn’d Sharper.

By this time we were got into Goodmans-Fields, where passing by the Little Devil Coffee-House, my Friend gave me such large Encomiums, both of the People and their Punch, that I like himself was unwilling to let slip so good an opportunity of refreshing my In­tellects with a little of that most Edifying Liquor; which, if compounded of good Ingredients, and pre­pared with true Judgment, exceeds all the Simple, Potable Products in the Universe. At our first En­trance of the Publick Room, we found a Jolly Com­pany Blessing one another over a plentiful Bowl of this Corroborating Creature, whose Excellencies were Vi­sible in the very Looks of its Lovers: The World­ly Air of their Countenances being changed into a Heavenly Chearfulness. This pleasing Sight gave me great Encouragement to walk up Stairs; where in a Room neat enough to entertain Venus and the Graces, we were in a Minutes Expedition, supply’d with an Indian Goblet of their Infallible Cordial, which, in half an Hour, had carry’d off the Dregs of our Flegmatick Stomachs, and so sublimed our Thoughts that we found our selves Elevated above the common pitch of Humane Conversation; and having the Com­pany of our Landlord, and a Friend or two of his, as Jolly as himself, the Cup pass’d round in a Circle, as an Emblem of Eternity, till at last I was so highly inspir’d by the Noble Vertues of one Nectar, that I had much ado to forbear thinking I was in a State of Immorta­lity. And that which added much more to our Fe­licity, and Crown’d the Pleasures of our Liquor, were these following Advantages: My Landlord was Good Company, my Landlady Good Humour’d, her Daughters Charmingly Pretty, and the Maid Tolerably Handsome; who can Laugh, Cry, say her Prayers, sing a Song, all in a breath; and can turn in a Minute to all Subluna­ry Points of a Female Compass; yet thus much I must say in her Behalf, that she’s Obedient to her Mistress,

and Obliging to Company, and I dare Swear, as far as a Man may guess by outward Appearance, she’ll prove an excellent Bedfellow to him that has the Luck to Marry her, and a kind Companion to an Honest Friend that loves Kissing in a Corner.

After we had thoroughly awakened our Drowsie Brains with a sufficient quantity of this Unparallel’d Punch, my Friend Writ the following Verses.

We now turn’d back again to our Buzzing Me­tropolis, the City; where Modesty and Plain-Dealing were laid aside to pursue the Wonderful Expectancies so many Thousands had from a mixture of Projectors Knavery, and their own Folly. The Gazette and Post-Papers lay by Neglected, and nothing was Por’d over in the Coffee-Houses but the Ticket-Catalogues: No talking of the Jubilee, the want of Currant Trade with France, or the Scotch Settlement at Darien: Nothing Buz’d about by the Purblind Trumpeters of State News, but Blank and Benefit. My Son had five Pounds in such a Lottery, but got nothing; my Daughter, says another, had but Five Shillings, and got the Twenty Pound Prize. People running up and down the Streets in Crowds and Numbers, as if one end of the Town was on Fire, and the other were running to help ’em off with their Goods. One Stream of Coachmen, Foot­men, Prentice-Boys and Servant-Wenches flowing one way, with wonderful hopes of getting an Estate for threepence. Knights, Esquires, Gentlemen and Traders, Marry’d Ladies, Virgin Madams, Jilts, Concubines and Strumpets, moving on Foot, in Sedans, Chariots and Coaches, another way; with a pleasing Expectancy of getting Six Hundred a Year for a Crown.

Thus were all the Fools in Town so busily employ­ed in running up and down from one Lottery or ano­ther, that it was as much as London cou’d do to Con­jure together such Numbers of Knaves as might Cheat ’em fast enough of their Money. The Unfortunate crying out, A Cheat, a Cheat, a Confounded Cheat, no­thing of Fairness in’t. The Fortunate, in opposition to the other, crying, ’Tis all Fair, all Fair; the Fairest Adventure that ever was Drawn. And thus every Bo-

Body,dy, according to their Success, Expressing variously their Sentiments; tho’ the Losers, who may be said to be in the Wrong of it, to venture their Money, yet were they most Right in their Conjectures of the Project, and the Gai­ners, who were in the Right of it, to hazard their Money, because they won, were most wrong in their Opinion of the matter. For I have much ado to forbear belie­ving that Luck in a Bag is almost as Honest as Fortune in a Wheel, or any other of the like Projects. Truly, says my Friend, I confess I cannot conceive any extraordinary Opinions of the Fairness of any Lottery; for I am apt to believe when ever such a Number of Fools fall into a Knaves hand, he will make the most of ’em; and I think the Parliament could not have given the Nation greater Assurances of their especial Regard to the Welfare of the Publick, than by Suppressing all Lotteries, which only serve to Buoy up the mistaken Multitude with Dreams of Golden Show­ers, to the Expence of that little Money, which with hard Labour they have Earn’d; and often to the Neglect of their Business, which doubles the Inconveniency. The Gentry, indeed, might make it a great part of their Care and Business, hoping thereby to relieve a Necessitous Life; instead of which, they plunge themselves fur­ther into an Ocean of Difficulties. What if one Man in Ten Thousand gets Five Hundred Pounds, what Benefit is that to the rest, who have struggled hard for Fools Pence to make up that Sum, which, perhaps, falls to one who stood not indeed in need of Fortunes Fa­vours.

Prithee, says my Friend, let’s go to Mercers-Chappel, and see how the Crowd behave themselves there; ten to one but we shall find something or other that may be Diverting to our selves, and worth rend’ring to the Publick. Accordingly we directed our selves thither, to which Rendezvous of Adventurers, as well as our selves, abundance of Fools, from all parts of the Town,

were flocking; none shewing a despairing Counte­nance, but all expressing as much hopes in their Looks, as if every one had an Assurance from a Moor-Fields Conjurer of having the great Prize. Some being thought­ful how to improve it, should it so happen; some how happily they’d enjoy it; Women, what fine Cloaths they’d wear; Maids what Handsome Hus­bands they’d have; Beaus, what fine Wigs they’d wear; and Sots, what rare Wine they’d drink; the Religious, what Charitable Works they’d do; and Young Libertines, what fine Whores they’d keep. In the Porch, or Entry of the Hall, was a Booksellers-Shop, where the Printed Benefits were Sold, for which the People were so impatient, that there could not be more Clawing amongst Mumpers at a Noblemans Gate (when he goes out of the Town) at the Distri­bution of his Charity. With much ado we Crowded into the Hall, where Young and Old, Rich and Poor, Gentle and Simple, were mix’d higgle-de-piggle-de, all gap­ing for a Benefit, like so many Fortunes Minions, wait­ing for a Windfall from her Blind Ladies Golden Pip­pin-Tree, whilst the Projector and the Honourable Trustees sat Laughing in their Sleeves, to see fair Play dealt out to the Attentive Assembly, whose Avaricious Hearts went Pit-a-Pat at the drawing of every Tic­ket.

Every now and then, when a Benefit arose, some impatient Novice or other crying out, That’s mine; bustling up to the Trustees, producing his Ticket to prevent that Fraud, which, tho’ he had ventured his Money, he was fearful might be practiced amongst ’em. It sometimes proving the Adventurer had mistaken his Number, or the Number that was drawn to the Benefit, which proved such a disappointment to ’em, that their Silly Looks would render ’em a Laughing-stock to the whole Congrega­tion of Fortunes Courtiers, every one equally big with the hopes of being the only Favourite.

My Friend and I having no Pretence, or Title to be rank’d, by any Accident, in the Number of the Fortu­nate, having ventured nothing in their plausible piece of uncertainty, thought it not worth our while to spend any further time amongst ’em, but concluded to march about our Business, and leave the Numerous Sons and Daughters of Fortune, to flatter themselves with the vain hopes of their Mothers kindness; Go­ing, when we came out, to a Neighbouring Coffee-House, where we Smok’d a Pipe, and consulted of some new measures to take in our next Spy; which being done, we retir’d Home, where I Scrib­bled o’er the following Lines upon Lotteries, with which I shall conclude.

THE
London-Spy.
PART XV.

AS a Fair Town-Miss, of a Twelve-Months standing, when she has surfeited the Appe­tites of those Debauchees who are always rang­ing after Novelty; and render’d herself Contemptible, by being too Common, puts on a dark Fore-top, blacks her Eye-brows, changes the Mode of her Dressing, her Lodging, and her Name and, sets up for a new Creature; so we, for fear of falling under the same Fate, have thought fit to vary a little from our former Method, in hopes to preserve the same liking to our Design, which we believe the World has hitherto had, from the Encouragement it has given us to con­tinue our Undertaking. Our chief Alteration will be to Treat more upon Men and Manners; opening the Frauds and Deceits practicable in many Trades; also of the sundry sorts of Conversation, with Moral Reflections on the same; Characters of Trades, and those that follow ’em; and Remarks upon all Occurrences worth Notice. In pursuance to which Method, I shall

begin with Victualers, showing their usual Rise and means of Success, and also shall lay open their Pride, Sauciness and Ingratitude; which either most Men have, may, or will find, by their own Experience.

Of Victualers.

In times of Sobriety, when Ale-Houses were as scarce as Churches, not above one in a Parish; when any Tradesman was undone by the Levity of his Wife, the Disobedience of his Children; by Fire, in either House or Cod-piece, or any other Losses and Grosses, incident to a Man in this World; upon his Humble Applica­tion to the Magistrates of the Ward, or Precinct where in he lived, they would Grant, or Procure him to be Granted, a Licence to Sell Ale, that he might be doing something to defend himself and his Family from being Burthen-some to the Parish. And being unhappily fallen into a Peevish Temper, by reflecting on his Misfortunes, he was usually distinguished in his new Employment with some of the following Nick-Names and Titles, as, Alderman Snarl, Captain Rusty, Sir John Tun-Belly, Esquire Gruff, Doctor Grunt, or the like; being look’d upon no other than an Old Crack’d Fiddle, fit for every Merry Prattle-box to Play upon. Neither could the good Woman, (whose Bu­siness it was to draw the Tipple, and who kept her Shoulders warm with a piece of an old Blanket instead of a Nightrail) avoid, being new Christen’d by some Drunken Godfather or other, the Name of Mother Huff, Mother Damnable, the Witch of Endor, Dame Saucy, Goody Blowze, Gammer Tattle, or the like. But now the World, like a Man advanced from Poverty to Prosperity, is so strangely altered, that as soon as a Trades­man had got a little Money by the Business he was bred to, observing the Fluency of Fools-Pence, the Lord­liness of the Victualers, the Laziness of their Lives, the PlenitudePleni-

tude of their Purses, and Welfare of their Families, is resolved to thrive upon his own small Stock at the same Rate; and pursue the hopes and prospect of grow­ing Rich with the same Expedition. Accordingly takes a House well Situated for his purpose, where in a few Years time, behaving himself at first very hum­ble, he breaks half his Acquaintance of his former Trade in coming to see him; Advancing himself in a little time to some petty Office of the Parish, with which he begins to swell, and look as Stiff and as Pro­digal as an Alderman after Knighthood. From thence, in a little time, Dignified with the Office and Title of Mr. Church-Warden; by the very Conceit of which he is so puffed up, that during the Possession of the Poors-Box, he reckons himself as great as the Pope, and measures a Foot more in the Waste, upon his first Entrance into this Parochial Authority, than he did in Seven Years before he was chosen to’t. His Wife must now be called Madam, his Sons, Young Ma­sters, and his Daughters Misses, and he that salutes the Old Lickspiggot with any other Title than that of Mr. Church-Warden, runs the hazard of paying double Taxes, besides the Forfeiture of his good Looks, Friendship and Conversation, for as long as he Lives afterwards, without Providence, by some Casuality, brings him back to his first Humility. He now begins to leave off his Colours, and to get the Print of his Apron-Strings out of his Coat; that, as he walks along the Street it would be a hard matter to guess at his Profession, were it not for the Stiffness of his Gate.

His own House now is not big enough to hold him: Besides, he begins to have such an Aversion to the Liquor he Sells, that he hates Malt-Drink as bad as a Grocer does Plumbs, or an Apothecary Physick. Wine is the only Cordial that will go down with him, which he

purchases with the Pence of those poor Sots who are Guzzling Belch at his own Ale-House, to maintain him at the Tavern. He expects great Reverence from all his little Neighbours, and will Loll against the Door­case, and swing his Bunch of little Keys half a dozen times round his Finger, before he wall answer a poor Neighbour a Civil Question. Those who were the first Instruments in procuring him a Trade, are as much out of his Memory as a Woman’s First Husband’s when she’s in Bed with a Second; especially if they Tick Six-pence with him, he puts on as pleasing an Aspect, as the Devil when he looked over Lincoln. If he that has spent fifty Pounds in his House, asks to borrow a Crown of him, his Wife made him Swear, not above three Days ago, that he would never lend one Six-pence again as long as he liv’d, or else he would have don’t with all his heart. If any Person, tho’ a good Customer, owes him any thing, and happens, by extraordinary Business, to be retarded from coming to his House as usual, there is a Verbal Hue and Cry pub­lish’d after him presently, among all his Acquaintance that are Customers; as thus, Pray, how does Mr. such a one do? We have not seen him this Age. I remember the time when he us’d to think mine the best Beer in the Parish; but now, I suppose, he has found out some that he likes bet­ter; Indeed, I take it very unkind of him, I never gave him any occasion to leave my House, as I know on. I am sure he had always good Drink for his Money, or if he came without, I never refus’d to trust him, as my Bar-board can testifie; and my Measure is as large as any Bo­dy Sells. I wonder we should lose his Company thus. Yet other heavy-headed Dunces can sit and hear this, and not conceive they would say as much by them, were they under the like Circumstance; but sit and Guzzle down six Times more than does ’em good, to the In­jury of their Bodies, and Impoverishment of their Poc­kets, to make a parcel of Peremptory Ingrateful ScoundrelsScound-

relstheir Masters, who with Conduct and good Hus­bandry, they might keep at Staffs-end, and force ’em to use that Modesty and Civility as becomes their Ser­vile Station. Some few indeed there are, who hav­ing the Advantage of an Education above the Employ­ment they have taken upon ’em, know how to treat every Body with such a proportion of Respect as is due to their Quality, or Appearance; being of another mold, Generous and Obliging, and quite opposite to that Mercenary Brutish Temper, with which most of ’em are possest, either by Nature or Acquirement: Such who have no more Manners than (to use the Hog-Grub­bers saying) That he knows no difference between a Porters Two-pence and a Gentlemans, ought, I think, to have none but Porterly Customers; and he that knows how to bid a Porter give place to his Betters, deserves a good Trade from Gentlemen. There are three sorts of Victualers, all differing very much from each other, according to the several parts of the Town wherein they are Situated. At Wapping, and that way, they Lord it over the People like a Boatswain over a Ships Company; and look as Bluff upon their Tarpau­lin Guest, as a Mate when first made Commander, or a White-Fryars Printer over a Gang of Ballad-Singers. In the City he is Hail Fellow well met with any of his Customers on this side a Common Council-man; but to all above, he is forced to pay a difference, and bow as low to the Deputy of a Ward, as a Country Inn-keeper does to the Sheriff of a County. And at Charing-Cross, you may find ’em so very humble and obliging for every two-pence they take, that a Gentleman Foot Soldi­er, or a Lords Footman, shall have as many Bows and Cringes from the Master and his Family over the Drinking of a Pot, as a French Dancing Master shall give the Mistress of a Boarding-School, when she gives him half a piece for his Days Teaching. Whether it be Poverty, Living amongst Courtiers, or being Bred

Gentlemens Servants, and so Kick’d and Cuff’d into Good Manners by their Masters, I’ll leave the Reader to determine. There are scarce any of these sundry sorts of Malt-Pensioners, (excepting some such few aforementioned) but what, if you use their Houses con­stantly, shall think you an intail’d Customer, and shall use you worse, and respect you less than they shall the Penurious Niggard that spends a Penny once in a Week and begs a bit of Toast into the Bargain. There­fore the best Method the Reader can use to avoid the Insolence and Ingratitude of these Mungril sort of Chri­stians, is to Act pursuant to the Advice of an experi­enc’d Toper, which is never to use any one House long, but observe this maxim, When you find the Dog begin to wag his Tail upon you, ’tis time for you to seek a new Tipling-Office; or it’s ten to one, if you have been a Customer long enough for the Spaniel to be ac­quainted with you, but you will find the Master grow Slighting, and the Servants Impudent. And since the Vitiousness of the Age has occasion’d every Parish to abound with such great Numbers of these Morose, Mer­cenary, Foul, Fat-Feeding Un-Neighbourly Cormorants, I will proceed to give you a further Character of one of the worser sort in Verse, which I desire the Reader to accept on, as follows.

Of Astrologers and Wise-Women.

No Common Errors, Frauds or Fallacies in the World, have so far subdued the Weaker, and conse­quently the Greater part of Mankind, as the Juggles and Deceits practiced by a parcel of pretending Astro­logers; who undertake to resolve all manner of Law­ful Questions, by Jumbling together those distant Bo­dies, in whose Nature or Influence they have just as much Knowledge, as a Country Old Woman has of Witchcraft, or a German Juggler of Necromancy. In the first place, I have had an Opportunity of examining several Nativities Calculated by those who have had the Reputation of being the best Artists of this Age; wherein I have observ’d Sickness, Length of Days, and all other Fortunate and Unfortunate Contingen­cies assign’d the Natives, have been as directly oppo­site to what has happen’d thro’ the whole Course of their Lives, as if the Fumbling Star-Groper had rather, thro’ an Aversion to Truth, Study d the Rule of Con­traries, that he might always be found in the Wrong on’t.

In the next place, their Method in deceiving Peo­ple, who come to enquire after Stolen Goods, is such a Bare-fac’d Ridiculous piece of Banter, that I wonder any Creature that bears Humane Shape, can be so Stu­pidly Ignorant, as not to plainly discern the Impositions that are put upon them by their Canting Albuma­zar, who, in the first place, enquires about what time, and after what manner the things were Lost; and what Strangers they had then in the House? From whence he Reasonably infers, whether the Spoon, Cup, Tankard, or whatsoever it be, was taken away by the common Thief, or Stolen by a Servant, or Person that

uses the House, or whether conceal’d by the Master or Mistress on purpose to make the Servants more diligent. If his Conjecture be, that it was taken by a common Thief, he describes a Swarthy Black Ill-looking Fellow, with a down-look, or the like; most Wisely considering, that such sort of Rogues are seldom without a Gallows in their Countenances: Telling withal, that the Goods are Pawn’d, and will scarcely be recoverable, without they take the Thief spee­dily, in order to affect which, he will give them his best Directions; which the Credulous Ignoramus desires in Writing, for fear he should forget; which the Soure-look’d Conjurer gives him accordingly, after the following manner, Go a quarter of a Mile North from your own Dwelling, and then turn Easterly, and walk forward till you come unto the Sign of a large four footed Beast, and Search within three or four Doors of that Sign, and you will go near to take him, if you go soon enough, or hear of him, who is of a middle Stature, and in Poor Habit. Away goes the Fool, as well satisfied with the Note, as if had the Rogue by the Elbow, and if, by any Accident, they do hear of the Thief, all is ascrib’d to the wonderful Cunning of their Wizzard: But if, on the contrary, he believes it to be taken by a Servant, or any Body that uses the House, he bids ’em hab nab at a venture, Go home satisfied, for they shall certainly find the Spoon, &C. in three or four days time, hid in a private hole, in such a part of the Kitchen, or he’ll make the Devil to do with those that have it; and force them to bring it in open Shame and Disgrace at Dinner time, and lay it down upon the Table in the Sight of the whole Family. Away goes the Person well satisfied with what their Ptolomist has told ’em; and declares to else how the Thief was threaten’d, and after what manner the Spoon should be found within the time appointed, or else woe be to them that have it. This frightful StorySto-

rycoming to the Ears of the Guilty, brings ’em un­der such dreadful Apprehensions of the Conjurers In­dignation, if they do not lay what they’ve taken with­in the time, according to the Direction; that the first Opportunity they have, they will place it to the ut­most exactness in whatever hole or corner he has appointed for the finding it. And this is the very Reason why, in such sort of cases, People so oft recover things that have been missing in their Houses, according to the Doctors Direction; which the Ig­norant look upon to be all Divilism and Conjuration; or if the Master or Mistress has Conceal’d any thing from their Servants to make ’em more Careful, they are also ready to observe the Dictates of the Cunning Man, that the Servants might believe what was mis­sing was really Stolen, that they might be more watch­ful of things in their Trust, to prevent the like mis­chances for the future. So that in this particular part of the Profession, there may be something said from the Consequence of it, in behalf of their Wizzardly sort of Policy; it being a means oftentimes of bringing those petty Thefts to Light, which would otherwise lie undiscovered, to the prejudice of the Loser. But as to their pretended Knowledge in matters, beyond the View of common Reason, it is all a Cheat; and I am sorry this present Age should give such Evidence of its Weakness, as to encourage such a parcel of Illi­terate and Scandalous Deceivers of the common People, to Flourish and Live Publickly Great, by such Base and Unjustifiable means, as Casting Figures, Telling Fortunes, Selling Charms or Sigills, or the like.

Their further Frauds and Practices I shall more manner the Spoon should be plainly detect in these following Stories; some of which I can warrant as Truths from Persons of my own Acquaintance.

There is now living a famous Wise Woman in White-Chappel, who is a great Pretendress to the Gipsie Art

of Fortune-Telling who has acquir’d such wonderful Credit and Reputation among Servant Wenches and poor Ignorant People, that she has Forty or Fifty Six-penny Fools every Morning to attend her, most Wo­men; some to know when they shall be Married; some big with Child, who had lain with so many, they wanted to be resolved which was the right Father; some Married Women, whose Husbands were at Sea, or in Foreign Plantations, who came to know whe­ther she could give ’em any glad Tidings of their Deaths or no; some to know whether they should be Prospe­rous in their Marriage, Voyage, or Business in Hand, or not; others about Stolen Goods, and the like. An Ingenious Married Gentlewoman having heard much of Mother Telltroths Fame, and giving but little Credit to common Reports, being hard to believe that Providence had made any of her Sex so much wiser than they should be, resolved to let her own Ex­perience determine, whether the Woman was a Witch, or that her followers were all Fools; and according­ly has recourse to her Abode, where she thrust herself in amongst the Querists, who were thronging in, like so many Spectators to see a Devout old Woman that had Hang’d herself for Religion. Every one took their Turns to be resolv’d, like Customers at a Chand­lers, First Come, First Serv’d; or like Smiths and Cob­lers in a Two-penny Barbers waiting for the Chair: At last it came to the Gentlewomans Turn to apply herself to the Oracle, and approaching near the Elbow Chair of Infallibility, she gave a low Curt’sie as a Type of her Ignorance, as well as Submission, and told her the chief of her Business was to be satisfied when Providence would bless her with a Husband: The most knowing Prophetess, after she had Ogl’d and Examin’d her Physiognomy with a very Penetra­ting Circumspection; the Lady keeping her Countenance, she told her, the Man was yet unknown to her

whom she should certainly Marry within a few Weeks, by whom she should have three Children, and then Bury him, and Marry a Second Time, soon after, very much to her Advantage as well as Satisfaction, and should live ve­ry comfortably with him to so great an Age, that she should be forc’d to walk with a Stick. Sure, Forsooth, says the Gentlewoman, you must deal with the Devil, or how should you know all this? Indeed, Child, replyed the Sorceress, thou art mistaken, what I tell thee is purely from my Art. No, no, says the Querist, it must be certainly from the Devil; for he’s the only Father of Lies, and I’ll swear you han’t told me a word of Truth yet, for I have had a Husband this nine Years, and have had seven Children by him, all living at this present: Therefore your Art, Forsooth, has wonderfully fail’d you. Pray, says the old Gipsie, let me see your Hand once more; upon a Review of which, says she, I find I was mistaken; for I find now thou hast a Husband, but he’s such a very little one, that ’tis as much as ever I can do to discern his Significat­ion in thy Palm. In which particular she happen’d to guess right, for her Husband was a very little Man; which put the Lady into an Extravagant fit of Laughter; who being well pleas’d with the Cun­ning of the old Baggage, went away confirm’d in her Opinion, that there was nothing in her pretended Skill, but meer Guess and Subtlety.

A Country Gentleman not long since being in Town, happen’d to be strangely Infatuated with an Opi­nion of Astrology; and resolving to venture some Mo­ney at the Royal-Oak Lottery, had recourse to a famous old Planet-Jugler, giving him a Guinea to assign him a lucky Hour for his purpose aforementioned; who, according to their accustomary way of Cozening People, e­rected a Scheme, and after he had made himself half Purblind, by Poring upon his Jimcrack, and Jumb­ling together a parcel of Figures to amaze the

Querist, he positively prefixes a certain time wherein he should be Fortunate. The Gentleman pursuant to the Star-gropers Directions, put Twenty Guineas into his Pocket, and away he goes to attack the Devils-Treasury, where, according to his Oracles Prediction, he met with such great Success, that he brought off a Hundred Pound of the Oak’s Money; returns to his Conjurer with a full assurance of breaking the Lot­tery in a little time; presents the old Fox with Ten Guineas, and desir’d he would consider of another time wherein he might again be Fortunate; The old Shark very greadily swallow’d the Golden Bait, and made him large Promises what the Stars should do for him, bidding him call about Two or Three Days hence, and he should have time to be more exact in his Cal­culation. The Gentleman goes Home wonderfully pleas’d, and returns to his Prophet Bubble-Blockhead according to appointment, who prefixes another Night, wherein he should be surely Prosperous. A­way goes the Gentleman a second time, flush’d with an assurance of the Golden-Fleece; but had not been long at Play, but his Stars, by the Retrogradation brought him under a Necessity of sending his Man Home for more Money, which he was forc’d to repeat two or three times before the Oak shut up; that for the Hundred Pound he had won, he had lost two; and began to be as angry with the Heavens and the Stars, as a Young Poet that had lost his Mistress: Go­ing back to his Deceitful Ptolomy in a wonderful Rage, telling him he and his Stars were a couple of Lying Confederates. And for ever after became as great an Enemy to Astrology, as a School-Boy is to a Birch-Rod, after a sound Flogging.

The third Story I shall entertain you with, tho’ it be something staler than the former, yet being appli­cable to my purpose; I think it may be admitted without Exception, (viz.) On Southwark-side there lived a

famous Student in those two Fraternal Sciences, Phy­sick and Astrology, who, to deceive People with more Facilitie and Assurance, had several Bells placed in his Study above Stairs, the Ropes of which hung down the Wall of a dark Stair-case, one signifying lost Sheep, another of Cloaths stole off the Hedges, another stray’d or stollen Horses, which were the chief things Peo­ple had recourse to him about; so that a Man who at­tended the Door us’d first to lift ’em and discover what they came about; and then rung for the Doctor, and dis­patch’d Intelligence at the same Instant.

It happen’d once that a Butcher having lost some Sheep out of the Neighbouring Marshes, came to re­quest a Cast of the Doctors Office, believing he could put him in a way of recovering his stray’d Weathers. Accordingly goes to the House, where at his first En­trance, the Servant asked him for Business, who, without mistrust, told the Fellow his mischance; who bid him not be dismay’d, for the Doctor, with­out doubt, would do him Service in the matter. He’s a little Busie, says he, in his Study, but however Fit venture to Ring for him, and tinkles the Sheep-Bell, upon which down comes the Doctor, having put on his Fur-Cap and Con­juring Countenance, that half frighted the Poor Sheep-biter. At his first Appearance, How, now, Friend, says he, I’ll warrant you have lost some Sheep, and you want me to give you Tidings of ’em. Yes, Noble Doctor, says the Fellow. Come, says the Doctor, walk into my Parlour, and I’ll endeavour to give you Satisfaction. The Butcher follows the Doctor, and happened to have a Bull-Dog, who crept under one of the Chairs, that no Body minded him. The Servant according to Custom in such matters, had recourse to his Ward-robe of Shapes, and Dress himself up in a Bulls-Hide, waiting for his Masters Conjuring Homile to Summons him to ap­pear. The Doctor after he had talk’d a little with the Butcher about the Business in hand, bid him be sure

to sit still and not be frighted at any thing he saw, for nothing should hurt him; and after he had made a large Circle, and Mumbled over a little Unintelligible Jargon, he gives the Devil his Cue, to make this Terrible Entrance. The Butchers Dog being of a true Bear-Garden Breed, seeing the Appearance of a Bull, makes a fair Run, seizes the Doctors Familiar, and makes him Roar, like what he Represented. The Conjurer rising in a great Passion, Ounds, what d’ye mean? Take off your Dog, you Rogue; take off your Dog. The Butcher Smoking the Cheat, Not I, by my Troth, Doctor, I know he’s as good as ever Run, let ’em Fight fair, Doctor; If you’ll venture your Devil, I’ll ven­ture my Dog: That never was poor Devil so maul’d by a Hell-Hound in this World before. The Doctor being glad to pay the Fellow for his Sheep, to Lock up his Tongue from dispersing the Detection.

Pursuant to the Method I propose, I shall also conclude this and every distinct Trade or Profession, with a short Character in Verse.

A Modern Reformer of VICE: Or, A
Reforming Constable.

Is a Man most commonly of a very Scandalous Ne­cessity, who has no way left, but, Pimp like, to live up­on other Peoples Debaucheries. Every Night he goes to Bed he Prays heartily that the World may grow more Wicked; for one and the same Interest serves him and the Devil. He always walks Arm’d with a Staff of Authority, Sealed with the Royal Arms, and all Wise People think the Fellow that carries it a great Blot in the Scutcheon. He sear­ches a Bawdy-House, as a Churchwarden does an Ale-House, not to Punish Vice, but to get Money. He squeezes Whores as a Thief-Catcher does Highway-Men, takes them from the Fruits of their Iniquities; making them twice as Wicked as they would be, by putting them upon fresh Villanies to keep themselves from Starving. He brings no Woman to Punishment for her Ill Courses but for want of Money, and she (if Poor) that Whores for Pleasure more than Profit, is sure oftenest to be Whipt for’t. They are a sort of un­lucky Bird-Catchers, and every naughty House their Net, the Whores their Decoy-Birds, that allure others into their Trap, and are freed themselves from that danger they have brought the Innocent into. They are the only Encouragers of what they pretend to Suppress, Protecting those People, for Bribes, which they should Punish; well knowing each Bawdy-House they break is a Weekly Stipend out of their own Pockets. Meet ’em when you will, you will never find one in their Custody above a Flap-Cap, or a Cinder-wenchCinder-

Wench; who because their Rags won’t Pawn for a dozen of Drink, must be made an Example of. She that has the Prudence to Whore with half a Crown in her Pocket, may Sin on without danger, whilst the poor needy Wag-Tail must be cautious how she Kisses at ill Hours, in ill Houses, or in ill Company, lest she be carried to Bridewell; where, instead of being Reclaimed, she is harden’d by her Indelible Shame, in her Miserable State of Wickedness. The only good they’ve done, they’ve put a sort of Socket-Money up­on Whoring, and themselves are the Collectors of the Tax: By which reason the Price of Venery is advanced, which makes it the more Practiced; for the Cheapness of a Commodity always throws it out of Fashion, and things easily purchas’d, are very seldom minded. Of all the People I know, I think their Im­ployment is most like the Dog-Whippers of a Church, whose Business it is to watch the Tails of every Proud Bitch and Lascivious Puppy, from committing an Indecency. They are Wicked Servants to a pious So­ciety, who have undertaken to Insure the Nation from Vice, and their Business is to run up and down Town to quench Peoples Lust, as the Steel-Cap Salamanders do to extinguish Fire.

The Suppressing of Vice, and Reforming Manners is, in the Society, a most commendable Undertaking. But except they take care to regulate their Officers, and prevent the daily Abuses they commit, which are every where complained of; I fear the ill Manage­ment of their Mercenary People imployed, will be an Injury to their Project, and bring a very good Design under a great Disreputation, and hinder many Per­sons from giving Encouragement to that Noble Work, which they would otherwise think worthy of their Assistance: But whilst a parcel of Loose Fellows and self-serving Profligates, are imployed to search after and detect those who are scarce worse than themselves,

it is reasonable to believe the Innocent will be often Injur’d, and the Wicked Practices of Vitious Persons conceal’d from the Magistrates, who have a Will they should be brought to light, and a Power to pu­nish ’em, did not Bribery to Inferior Officers protect ’em in their Lewdness; who make it their Business, not so much to Suppress base Women, and those San­ctuaries they now daily act their Vices in with securi­ty, as they do to go Snacks with those Infamous Bel­dams, who make it their Livelihood to Encourage and Shelter Mercenary Strumpets in their Wicked­ness, and preserve ’em from the Lash of the Laws, which they would otherwise more commonly fall un­der. There are many employ’d that are of Scanda­lous Fortunes, and Desperate Characters; who are very conversant with, and Protect the very Libertines they should bring to Punishment; who undertake their Office, thro’ no good Principle, but only for a Mercenary End of Twelve Shillings a Week Salary; whose Consciences are so corrupt, that for Twelve Shillings more they would, upon occasion, Swear they heard the Dumb Man, in the Red-Cap, Swear Fifty Oaths, and that they saw the Sober Gentleman that Drinks no­thing but Water-Gruel, as Drunk as ever they saw a Foot-Soldier in a Bawdy-House, or a Porter in a Brandy-shop. I cannot forbear taking Notice of a poor Fellows saying as I was passing along the Street. Pll warrant, says he, they thought they had much Reform’d my Man­ners, when they made me pay a Shilling for an Oath, when I had never another in the World; but I Jack, I was pretty even with them; for going Home, and telling my Wife what had happen’d, we set Foot to Foot, and Curst the Constable for Two hours by the Clock, and that was our satisfaction or go­ing to Bed Supperless.

Vice, ’tis true, is grown to a Great and Lamenta­ble Pitch in this Wicked Age we Live in; but whilst a parcel of Mercenary Fellows are continued in Of-

Office, fices,who are as Wicked and Prophane themselves, as the Profligate Wretches they look after, there will ap­pear, I doubt, but slender signs of a Reformation. Of such sort of Constables or Informers, as these, there being many Employed about this Town, I shall pro­ceed to give you a further Character.

Comical Accidents and Occurrences.

A West-Country Grasiers Son coming up with some of his Fathers Cattle, and being a Stranger in the Town, happening to straggle cross Smith-field, from his Inn, to Drink a Cup of Ale at a Townsmans House, sat so long and so late, that he had made himself Pot-Valiant with his Countrey-mans Liquor, and instead of Crossing the Rounds to his Lodging, did, for want of a Guide, stagger down Hosier-Lane; and unhappily followed his Nose down Snow-Hill; till he came to the Ditch-side, where feeling the Railes, he thought in the dark, he had been at the Rounds in Smith-Field, and spending some time in Groping for a Place to go thro’: At last breaks out in a Passion, Ads-heartily-wounds, I think the Devils run away with the Turnpike. I believe I mun be forc’d to Skip over at last: And accordingly lays his Hand on the Railes, and over he Jumps into the Ditch; but by good For­tune fell into a Lighter of Coals, where getting but little harm, according to the Old Proverb, he gets upon his Legs, and began to Rave like a Bedlamite. A Pox take ye for a Pack of London Rauges, d’ye leave apen your Trap-Door to catch Country Vaulk in your Cel­lars? Then flinging about the Coals, cry’d, Ads-heart either let me out of your Cole-Hole, or I’ll break all thy Windows, and Thump and Veaz thee, and make thee Vart again, Vor a Vilty Voul Veason thou.

The Weavers have already received such Encou­ragement from the great hopes they have of the Bills being past, for the Prohibition of all Wrought Silks, and Calicoes from India, that for this Week past, they

have Solemnly protested, notwithstanding it is Lent, against Eating of Stale Sprats, Rotten Red-Herrings, and the Cuttings of Salt-Fish; and are already advanc’d to the Buying of Bullocks Pettitoes, Nappers Nulls, Grun­ters Muns, and the like. Nay, further, it was ob­serv’d, last Market-Day, that an Eminent Master of the Shuttle in Spittle Fields, who has not above Twelve in Family, bought in Norton-Folgate, a Stone and a half of good Cow-Beef to the great Wonder and Amazement of the Butcher: So that it is generally believ’d, on all Hands, if the East-India Company puts not a spoke in their Cart, they will shift off their Poverty in a little time, which they have long Groan’d under, and will, to the whole Nations Satis­faction, as well as their Own Happiness, be seen in a Flourishing Condition.

THE
London-Spy.
PART XVI.

MY Companion having given me the common Ci­vility of a London Inhabitant to a Country Friend or Acquaintance, (i.e.) shewed me the Tombs at Westminster, the Lyons in the Tower, the Rogues in Newgate, the Mad-People in Bedlam, and the Mer­chants upon the Change, with the rest of the Town Ra­rities, worth a Country Fools admiring; began about a Month since, I suppose, to be tir’d of his Office: Upon which, like a City Sophister to a Country Cou­sin, he Apologiz’d for his Departure, and so left me, saying he would wait upon me as often as the pre­sent Urgency of Affairs would permit; and if any thing worth Notice occur’d to his Knowledge, he

would Communicate the same, or if he could not spare time to give me his Company, he would dispatch In­telligence by Letter; so that being Arm’d with good Instru­ctions, and all necessary Cautions, I shifted off my Rural Bashfulness, and began to so embolden my self in a little time by strange Conversation, that I could call a Careless Drawer Blockhead, Kick a Saucy Tapster on the Breech, Swear Z—ds at a Hackney Coach­man, or sit down amongst Aldermen in a Coffee-House without plucking off my Hat. When I first left my Mate I thought my self in as Disconsolate a Condition as a Widow for the first Month after the Loss of her Husband; but I, like the Mourning Dame, found such new Diversion, as quickly obliterated my old Friend, and soon made me as easie without his Conversation, as the Good Woman is without her old Bed-Fellow.

Being thus left to range the Town by my self, like a Man-hater that lov’d no Company, or like a Hang-man that could get none, I happen’d near the Change to step into a Tavern-Kitchen, where I found seated at a Corner-Table, a Knot of Jolly, Rough-hewn Ratling Topers, who look’d not as if they were Born into the World, but Hammer’d into an uncooth Shape upon Vulcan’s Anvil; whose Iron-sides, and Metal-colour’d Faces seem’d to dare all Weathers, spit Fire at the Frigid Zone, and bid Death Defiance: Bumpers of Canary went round as fast as one could Drink, and his Neighbour fill; that a Stander-by might have easily guest by their strekable Measure, that every Glass had been a Health to an Emperor. I soon found by their Dialect, they were Masters of Ships: Chear up my Lads, pull away, save Tide, come Boys, a Health to Moll Bischet, the Bakers Daughter, that swore a Sea Chest was as soft as a Feather-bed. Then handling the Quart, being empty, What is she light? You Sir, that’s

next haul the Bar-Line, and call the Coopers-Mate: The Drawer being come, Here, you Fly-blown Son of a T-d, take away this Damn’d Crank Bitch and Ballast her well. Pox take her, there’s no Stowage in her Hold. Have you ne’er a larger Vessel? With such sort of Stuff was I diverted for a little time, till an Old Gentleman coming into the Kitchen, whose Grave and Venerable Head being Frost-nip’d with Age, was Bleak’d as white as Snow; his Silver Hairs, which should have been a Fence to his Weatherbeaten Ears, being so thin, that they might be more easily Num­bred than his Infirmities; happening to approve of my side of the Fire, he sat down near me, and call’d for his Half Pint of that Golden-colour’d Cordial, over which our Fathers us’d to number up their Juve­nile Pranks, and make themselves Merry with Refle­ctions on their past Happiness: And when he had measur’d out a Moderate Dram of his Ages only Com­fort, after a very Courteous manner he presents his Service to me, whose Complement I return’d with Respect due to his Gravity, but could not forbear fancying he was too Complaisant to be a Rich Citizen, and that Misfortune had taught him to be Civil to a Stranger; for it may be generally Observed that a Thrifty Trader takes a Pride in being Surly, and sel­dom is burthen’d with more Manners than a Rhinoco­res. After he had chang’d two or three Words about What News? What’s a Clock? Methinks it’s Cold to Day? And the like, I observ’d the old Gentleman, when he had discover’d our Neighbouring Com­pany, by their Talk, to be Commanders of Ships, look’d at ’em with as much Malice, as a Man under Suspicion of Debt would at a Gang of Officers; every Glance seem’d to call ’em a Pack of Knaves, and at last his Passion grew so high, that I observ’d by the trembling of his Lips he was fallen into his Soli­loquies; and, I believe, was the Truth known, he was Cursing ’em as fast within himself, as a Country

Hag does a Farmers Hogs, when he denies her a Pitcher of Whey, or a Dish of Cheese-Curds.

Whilst the old Gentleman seem’d to be under this Perturbation of Mind, one of Neptune’s Sun-burnt Sub­jects, truss’d up in Trowsers of old Sail-Cloth, was usher’d into the Kitchen by a Drawer in order to deliver Melancholy Tidings, as he thought, to Father Grizle; who, I soon understood, had been drawn in to hold a Fourth part of a Vessel, to whom the Boat­swain was dispatch’d with all expedition from Deal, to bring this following Intelligence, which after two or three Marine Scrapes and Congies, with a shaking Head, like a Paralitical Alms-man, and a Counte­nance as sad as a Priest in Denmark that had lost his Genitals, he begins after this manner. Ah, Sir, I am loth to let you know what I am come on purpose to tell you: I am sent as the EmbesseUer of sad sad News indeed. Prithee, Friend, says the Gen­tleman, What is’t? If my Family be but safe, and my House not on Fire, I thank my Stars I shall not be much frightened, let it be what it will; for I have been us’d to so much bad News from Men of your Cal­ling, that I have not receiv’d a Comfortable Word from that Unlucky Element you belong to this four Tears. I never see a Seaman come towards me, to speak to me, but I always fancy he’s as ill an Omen to my Family, as a Raven that flies o­ver my House, and Croaks three times in his Pas­sage; tho’ now I know not what News thou can’st bring me, that will trouble me; therefore such as it is, Prithee, Friend, let’s hear it. Ah, Sir, says the Fellow (blowing his Nose and wiping his Eyes) The Poor Betty’s lost; coming into the Downs a Storm of Wind sprang up at N.W. and by W. as God would have it, enough to blow the Devils head off. We made our Larboard Tack, and Ply’d to Wind­ward, Work’d like Dragons, and did all that Men

could do to save her, but could not Weather the Goodwin, in which Sand, to our great Sorrow, as well as your Lamentation, she lies now Bury’d. There let her lye, says the old Dad, till Dooms-day. Here’s to thee, Friend, with all my heart: ’Tis the best News, thou could’st have brought me; for if the old Bitch of a Betty had survived the danger of the Seas much longer, I believe she, and the Master together, would have brought me to the Parish. I hope, says he, I shall be a warning to all Fools how they are drawn in, by a Pack of Knaves, to meddle with such Business that is out of their Knowledge. My share cost me Two Hun­dred Pound, and not one Prosperous, but three bad Voyages for it; brought her Owners into Debt, and now at last lost upon the Goodwin. Good Buy t’ye, Good Mistress Betty, I am heart­ily glad to hear you’re at the bottom: For, Efaith, I be­lieve if thou had’st not sunk in a little time I shou’d. No more long Bills for Refitting, no Masters long Accounts for Repairs of Damage sustained in a Storm. No, no, if ever they book in the old Fool again to make Ducks and Drakes with his Money in Salt-Water, I’ll give ’em leave to draw a Rope thro’ his Guts, and tye him to a Cable to make a Buoy on: For I find Merchants are a Pack of Sharpers, Master of Ships, a parcel of Arrant Knaves, a Ves­sel but a doubtful Confident, and the Sea a meer Royal-Oak-Lottery. Having thus said, he paid for his Nipperkin of Canary, and away he went; I staying a little while after him, to observe the Be­haviour of the Salt-Water Emperours, from whose Ridiculous Talk, and more Ridiculous Actions, I drew this following Character.

From thence I went to a Coffee-House, where I had appointed my Acquaintance to meet with me at certain Hours in the Day; and there I found a Letter from my Friend, to request my Company to Supper at a Private House in the City; where a Gentleman had provided a Commodious Entertainment for us, and some other of his Friends that Evening.

When the Hour assign’d for our Meeting came, I accordingly went pursuant to my Friends Directions, where I found a Jolly Company Assembled, whose Looks sufficiently discover’d their Affections to the good Creature, that I had no Reason to Mistrust any Obstructions of our Mirth from the appearance of the Persons. Amongst ’em were two Country Parsons, and a Notable sharp Town Quaker, who I had rea­sonable Foresight would produce some good Diversion, as soon as our Cups and, the Season of the Night, had made us fit Instruments for each others Felicity. I shall not tire you with a Bill of Fare; but in short a plentiful Supper we had, to the greater Content of the Founder, (it being served up in such admirable Order) as to the Satisfaction of the Guests. When we had tired our Hands with stopping our Mouths, to asswage the Fury of our Appetites, and one of the Parsons had put a Spiritual Padlock upon the Mouths of the Company, and gave a Holy Peri­od to our Fleshly Sustenance for that Evening; a Magnificent Bowl of Punch, and some Bottles of Right Gallick Juice were handed to the Table, which re­ceiv’d, as the Glass went round, a circular approba­tion. Our Stomachs craving a Hearty supply of Wine for the Digestion of our Fish, made us at first pour down our Liquor in such plentiful Streams, that it soon put our Engines of Verbosity to work, and made us as Merry as so many School-Boys at a Break­ing up, o’er a Batch of Cakes, or a Dishful of Stew­ed Prunes.

At last we came to a good-looking Soldiers Bot­tle of Claret, which at least held half a Pint extraor­dinary; but the Cork was drove in so far, that there was no opening on’t without a Bottle-Screw: Several attempted with their Thumbs and Fingers to remove the stubborn Obstacle, but none could effect the dif­ficult Undertaking; upon which says the Donor of

the Feast, What is no Body amongst us so Provident a Toper as to carry a Bottle-Screw about him: One cry’d, No. Another, No, Poize on’t he had left his at Home. A third never carry’d one; and so ’twas concluded no Screw was to be had; the Parsons being all this time silent; at last says the Lord of the Banquet to his Man, Here, take it away, tho’ I protest, says he, Tis a fine Bottle, and I’ll warrant the Wine’s better than Ordi­nary, its so well Cork’d; but what shall we do with it? We cannot open it. You must take it down I think; tho’ I vow ’tis a great deal of pity: hut prithee bring us up some more Bottles that may not puzzle us so. The Oldest and Wisest of the Parsons having observed the Copi­ous Dimensions of the Bottle, and well knowing, by Experience, that sound Corking is always an Advan­tage to good Liquor. Hold, hold, Friend, says he to the Servant, who was going out with the Bottle, I be­lieve I may have a little Engine in my Pocket that may unlock the Difficulty; and fumbling in his Pockets, af­ter he had pluck’d out a Common-Prayer-Book, an old Comb-case full of Notes, a Two-penny Nutmeg-Grater, and made a remove of such kind of Worldly Neces­saries, at last he came to the matter, and out he brings a Bottle-Screw, which provok’d not a little Laughter thro’ the whole Company. Methinks, Friend, says the Quaker, a Common-Prayer-Book and a Bottle-Screw are improper Companions, not fit to Lodge in one Pocket together. Why doest thou not make thy Breeches afford ’em different Apartments? To which the Par­son made this answer, Since Devotion gives comfort to the Soul, and Wine, in Moderation, preserves the Health of the Body, why may not a Book that instructs in the one, and an Instrument that makes way for the other, be allow’d, as well as the Soul and Body, for whose good they were intended to bear one another Company? But, Me­thinks, Friend, says the Quaker, a Bottle-Screw in a Ministers Pocket, is like the Practice of Piety in the Hand

of a Harlot; the one no more becomes thy Profession, than the other does hers. To which the Parson replied, A good Book in the Hand of a Sinner, and an Instrument that does good to a whole Society, in the Hand of a Cler­gyman I think are both very commendable: And I won­der why a good Man shou d Object against either. I am very glad, says the Quaker, thou takest me to be a good Man; then I hope thou hast no reason to take anything ill that I have spoken? Nay, hold, says the Parson, I did not design it as a Compliment to thee; for, to tell thee the Truth, I do not think thee near so Good as those who I be­lieve thou hast but a bad Opinion of; meaning, as I sup­pose, the Church Clergy. To which reply’d the Qua­ker, Thou must see the Government has a better Opinion of Us than it has of those People, whom I imagine thou meanest, or else they would never have made our Words of equal Validity with your Oaths; therefore I think we have Reason to be look’d upon as the most Honest People in the Kingdom. In answer to this, says the Parson, I remem­ber a Fable, which, with as much brevity as I can, I will Repeat to the Company in answer to thee.

Once upon a time, when the Lyon found there were many Divisions amongst his four Footed Sub­jects, insomuch that he could not, without some dif­ficulty, preserve Peace in his Dominions, and allay the Grumblings of each Disaffected Party. But amongst all the Factious Beasts in the Forest, the Asses were most Obstinate, and would never change their Pace, in Obedience to those wholesome Laws provided against their Hum-drum Sloathfulness: The Lyon con­sidering they were a Serviceable Creature, notwith­standing their Formality; and would bear any Bur­then without complaining, let them have but their own Ways, and go their own Pace, thought it very necessary to make a Law that every Ass should have his own Will, which they would always have before in spite of. all the Laws against it: And in answer to

their Petition that they should not be Oblig’d to go Shod like Horses, but with this Proviso, That if ever they Trip’d or Stumbled, they should be soundly Whip’d for their Fault. A little time after the com­mencement of this Law, an Ass meeting with a Horse, could not forbear Boasting what great Favourites the Asses were at Court, Upbraiding the Horse with be­ing Iron-shod, and how they by the Law were made free to Travel upon their own Natural Hoof, which is much more easie. You are mistaken, says the Horse, Shooing makes us Walk more Upright, and Tread with more Security; and Pray, Friend Ass, re­member this amidst your Benefit, that you must be Whip’d if you Stumble as well as we.

Upon the Application of this Fable, the whole Com­pany burst into a Laughter, to the great Discounte­nance of our Merry Ananias, who had nothing left but Blushes for a Reply. But having a great desire to be even with his Antagonist, lay so very close up­on the Catch, that the Parson was forc’d to put a Guard upon his Tongue, lest he should give him an Advantage to re­cover his Credit. Till at last, in a silent Interval, the Glass coming two or three times quick about, made the Parson neglect to take off his Wine with his usual Expedition, and set it down before him; which the Quaker, observing, ask’d him what Countryman he was? The Priest return’d him a Satisfactory An­swer. Did?st thou not lately hear of a great Living that was Vacant in thy Countyy computed to be worth about four Hundred Pounds a Year? Upon which the Parson be­gan to prick up his Ears, and enquir’d where abouts it was, never minding his Glass. Truly, says the Quaker, I cannot tell directly where it lies; but I can thee His in vain to enquire after it, for it is already dispos’d of to an Eminent Person of thy Function, who is now in this Town, and of whom I have some Knowledge. At a Coffee-House where he uses, I happen’d to hear him

highly commending the Hospitality, and good House-Keep­ing of the late Incumbent. It being, says he, indeed so Plentiful a Benefice, that he might well afford it. And I hope, says he, that I shall not be backward in following his Example. The Parson showing great dis-satisfacti­on in his Looks that such a Living should fall, and be Dispos’d on without so much as his Knowledge, not knowing but his own Interest might have been sufficient to have carry’d it. The Quaker, he pro­ceeds all the while in Praising the Orchards, Gardens, Barns, Stables, fine Rooms, large Kitchen, noble Par­lour, convenient Buttery, &c. which set the Parson so on gog, that he Listen’d and Gap’d as if he would have catch’d it in his Mouth. But, at last, says the Quaker, I heard him very much complain of one great inconveni­ence indeed, and that was the misplacing of his Wine Cellar, for which reason he would have it remov’d; Why, where did the Cellar stand, says the Parson? Just under the Pulpit, says the Quaker, and he look’d upon it to be a great Fault to Preach over his Liquor. The Parson, who had let his Glass stand Charg’d all the time of the Story, readily took the Application. I confess, says the Parson, I very unadvisedly left a Blot in my Tables, and you by chance have hit it; and now you have done, it serves only to verifie the Old Proverb, That Fools have For­tune. This unexpected Retort of the Parsons quite Dumb-founded the Quaker; and added a great deal of Pleasure to the Company. Our Merry dispos’d Friend taking Breath after this Sparring Blow a con­siderable time, sitting as Silent as a young Swearer before his Father, endeavouring as much to hide his Failings, as the other does his Vices.

By this time the stock of Wine upon the Table be­ing exhausted, we began to apply our selves to the Punch, which upon the Wine we had already drank, soon put our Spirits into a fresh Ferment; and made

us now as noisie as Gamesters in a Cock-Pit, all Bawling and Betting on the behalf of one side or t’other. Inso­much that with one Impertinent Question or other, they had almost put the Parson into a Passion, during which uneasiness his Tea and Nay Adversary ask’d him, What he thought a Quaker to be? The Parson a little Angry they had began to Tease him, made this Response, A Quaker, says he, is some of Old Nick’s Venom, spit in the Face of Gods Church, which her Cler­gy cannot Lick out with their Tongues, or Rub off with their Lawn Sleeves. Therefore the Church makes a Vertue of Necessity, and uses them as Ladies do their black Patches, for Foils to Magnifie its Beauty. Indeed, Friend, says the Quaker, thou talkest as if the Liquor had disturb’d thy Inward Man. Prithee tell me who thou thinkest was the first Quaker, that thou talkest with such Prophaness against so good a Profession? The first Quaker, says the Parson, who, after a very short Deliberation, answered Ba­laam. Balaam, says the Quaker, How dost thou make that out? Its plainly so, says the Parson, Because he was the first that ever gave his Attention to hear an Ass hold forth. The whole Company exprest by their Laughter an Approbation of the Jest; and it was agreed on all Hands, that it might Reasonably pass for a good Punch-Bowl Answer.

The Potency of the Liquor, and the Weakness of our Brains, had now drawn our Mirth to the Dregs, that we were more in Danger of falling into Dis­order, than we were of recovering our almost stupified Souls to their past pitch of Felicity: Several of the Company having Wisely submitted their Distemper’d Heads to that great Physician, Sleep, who can alone recover the Patients Giddy Brains of his Epidemical Feaver. At last down drop the Body of Divinity, in the condition of a weaker Brother, and left the Quaker one of the Survivors, who, with great Joy, Brandish’d a Triumphant Brimmer round his Head,

as a Trophy of the Inebrious Victory he had obtain over a Father of the Church.

My Friend and I thought it now high time to be moving off, lest Bacchus and Morpheus together, should close our Eye-lids, as they had done some others; and make us become as Troublesome to the Family as the rest; accordingly we made the Gentleman a Com­pliment for his Kind and Liberal Entertainment, and took Leave of the Company, which we left in Chase of their Senses; some Snoaring, and some Talking, that they made as good Musick as a parcel of Giddy-Headed Sportsmen at the winding up of a Venison-Feast. My Friend and I (our ways lying different) parted at the Door, and Retired to his own Lodging, but when I got Home, and in my Cham­ber, the Witty Repartees, and Pretty Conversation of the Parson, so run in my Head, that I could not go quietly to Bed, till I had Communicated to Paper the following Description of a Merry Levite in his Cups, &c.

Having thus Exonnerated my Brains of that Trou­blesome Excrement which the Liquor had begot in the Guts of my Understanding, I plucked off Natures Disguise with as much Expedition as a Young Bride­groom, and Leap’d into Bed; tho’ I had no Matrimo­nial Drudgery to Anticipate my Rest, but gently slid into a sweet Sleep, without Burthening my Thoughts with Reflections on the Cares of a Wicked World, or my own past Miscarriages, where I enjoy’d the silent Refreshment of an uninterrupted Repose till next Morning: When waking at my usual hour, I made

a new Resurrection for the Day; and slipping on my Breeches over my Nakedness, in imitation of our first Parents Fig-Leaves, I Refitted my self for a Walk, in as little time as a Beau spends in Pow-d’ring his Periwig. When I had thus Wash’d me, and Comb’d me, and put my self in a cleanly condition of appear­ing Abroad, I determin’d to give my self an Hour or two’s Breathing in Greys-Inn-Walks, in order to car­ry off the Dregs of the Ante-Days Debauchery: Ac­cordingly I steer’d my course to the Lawyers Ga­rden of Contemplation, where I found (it being early in the Morning) none but a parcel of Superannuated-Debauchees, huddled up in Cloaks, Frize-Coats, and Wadded Gowns, to preserve their old Carcases from the searching sharpness of Hamstead Air; creeping up and down in Pairs and Leashes, no faster than the Hand of a Dial, or a Country Convict walking to Execution; some talking of Law, some of Religion, and some of Politicks; Arguing the matter in Hand with so warm a Zeal in Defence of their Opinions, that I thought every now and then some of the Fee­ble Peripateticks would have made a Combate of Ske­letons, and have rattled their old Bones together, in order to decide with their Hands what their Tongues could not determine. After I had taken two or three turns round, I sat my self down in the Up­per Walk, where just before me, upon a Stone Pe­destal, was fixed an old Rusty Horizontal Dial, with the Gnomon broke short off. A Bullet-Headed Boglan­der coming up into the same Walk, at last enter’d the Bow or half Moon where I sat, and the Dial stood; and after he had spent near a Quarter of an Hour, Be me fait, said he, E did never see such a ting id my Lifesh, I pray ye, dear Joy, Egray vat ish de ush of it? I could not forbear smiling at his Ignorance; and told him ’twas a Sun-Dial to shew the Hour of the Day, I pray, said he, will ye tell me vat it ish a Clock

den? It being a Cloudy Morning, and the Sun quite Obscur’d, I reply-ed, I could not shew the Hour un­less the Sun shone out. Ub bob bou, says he erra be Chreesht den it ish not half so gude as e Vatch, for dat vill show me de Hour without Sun-shine. And away he shuffl’d upon an Irish Trot, seeming to be much con­ceited with his Expression, as if he had spoke like a Ben Johnson. The Ignorance of the common Irish, hath rend’red them a Jest in all Nations, tho’ amongst the Gentry there are many Brave and well Qualified Persons, who have given suf­ficient Testimonies, both of their Courage and their Learning. Therefore, as the foregoing Sto­ry will Opportunely introduce a Character of an Il­literate Silly Irish Peasant, the following piece of Mi­cro-Cosmography is only intended upon the most Ig­norant of ’em, abstractly considered from all such of the same Country, who have had the Advantage of a better Education.

The Character of an Irishman.

He is commonly a huge Fellow, with a little Soul; as strong as a Horse, and as silly as an Ass; very Poor, and very Proud; Lusty, and yet Lazy; Fool­ish, but yet Knavish; Impudent, but yet Cowardly; Superstitiously Devout, yet Infamously Wicked; ve­ry Obstinate in his Faith, but very Loose in his Mo­rals; a Loyal Subject to his Prince, and an Humble Servant to his Master; for he thinks ’tis his Duty to make a Rogue of himself at any time to serve the one, and a Fool of himself at any time to serve the other; that is, to Back a Plot, or make a Bull, he’s the fittest Calf in Christendom. He has a Natural Propen­sity to Pimping, and at his first coming into England most certainly Lists himself into a Whores Service, and has so much a Day out of her Earnings to be her Guard du Corps, to Protect her in her Vices. His next

Degree of Ascention is to be a Bayliffs Follower; so that by Catching Strumpets by the Belly, and Credi­tors by the Back, he makes a Decent shift, betwixt Pimping and Bumming, to Sing Hall-la-loo over Us­quebaugh, and thinks himself as great as an Indian Em­perour over a Bottle of Rum. He has as great a Vene­ration for his Sword as a Spaniard; he’ll do nothing that’s mean without it, nor any thing that’s brave with it; yet no Man is readier to Draw it, to show his forwardness to Fight; and none more glad to put it Up, to show his willingness to be Friends. Tho’ Born within Mud-Walls, and a Stranger to the Horn-Book; he’s no less than a Gentleman; and if once in the Army, tho’ no more than a Powder-Monkey, no less Title will content him than to be Captain Mac-Some-Body: He has as little kindness for his Native Country as a Scotchman; when once he’s come out of it, seldom cares for returning. We cannot say in Conversation he’s a forward Man; for he gene­rally Talks backwards, begins what he has to say at the latter end, and seldom comes home to the begin­ning, but ends in the middle: He’s often an unfit Servant for a Family, where they Eat much Pease-Porridge; for tho’ a very Windy Fellow himself he has a great Aversion to a Fart. He is under the Misfortune in England, of bemoaning of the Loss of a Country-man; for the Law usually every Month disposes of one of them, to keep the Gallows from Cobwebs. He’s much of the Nature of Pumpkins, Thrives best with­in filthy Places; base means to Live, he lovest most; and Honesty’s a Soil that wont agree with him: He’s never well, but when he’s an Ill-Man; and the worse he grows the better Man he thinks himself; He’s a rare Messenger to be sent of a Fools Errand, for tho’ he bears the Image of a Man, he performs his Actions like a Horse, without Thought or Reason. To con­clude, he’s a Coward in his own Country, a Lusty

Stallion in England, a Graceful Footman in France, a Good Soldier in Flanders, and a Valuable Slave in our Western-Plantations, where they are distinguish’d by the Ignominious Epithet of White-Negroes.

By that time I had digested this Character in my Thoughts, as I sat Musing by the Dial, I found by the sundry Turkish and Arabian Scaramouches, who were Gracing the Walk with their most Glittering Appea­rances, that the Beaus began to Rise and come forth in their Morning Plumes, in order to attract the Eyes of some Mercenary Bellfay’s, by whose Airy Freaks, and distinguishable Graces I could perceive they would more easily be subdu’d by the prevailing Pow’r of a Guinea, tho’ offer’d by a Wither’d Hand, belonging to an Ill-shap’d Carcase, than be tempted with the Charms of an Ostentatious Owl, who had empty’d his Pockets to cover his back with Gay Ornaments like a Peacock. The sundry sorts of unusual Figures I beheld Transported my thoughts beyond the Equi­nox, and made me fancy I was Travelling in some strange distant Territories, where Men, Unpolish’d, show the Rudeness of their Natures, by the Uncooth­ness of their Garbs; some having cover’d their tender Sculls with Caps in the fashion of a Turkish Turbanty and with such Gaudy Figures wove into their Gowns, that they look’d, at a small distance, as if they had been frighted out of their Beds by Fire, having not time to Dress; and had wrapped themselves up in Tapestry Hangings, and Turky-work Table-Cloaths, as the readiest shift they could make to cover their Nakedness; others had thrust their Calves-Heads, some in Bags like Pudding-Pokes, and some in Caps, fashi­oned like an Extinguisher, and hung half way down their Backs, that made ’em look like Pages of some strange Ambassador come from Terra Incognita, on purpose to let England see what Ridiculous Garbs are wore by the Devil knows who, at the very

Fundament of the Universe; these were Masqueraded in Morning Gowns, of such Diversity of Flickering co­lours, that their dazling Garments look’d like so ma­ny Rainbows, wove into a Scotch Plad; and look’d so extravagantly Vain and Foppish, that certainly had they not been influenc’d by some Giddy Brain’d Young Girles to have discredited their Masculine Natures with this Female kind of Prodigality, the Thoughts of Men could have never Entertain’d such Butterfly Conceptions, as to imagine any Reasonable Creature so Silly to Worship or Admire the Person of a Man, be­cause they see him in a Fools-Cap, or Fools-Coat; as if it added an Excellence to his Proportion, to have all the Colours in Heraldry Blazon’d upon his Back; or as if he thought it a piece of Plain-Dealing, to dis­cover to the World, by a Taudry out-side, his inward Vanity and Emptiness; that no Body might expect more in his Conversation, than to Oblige their Eyes with a New Fashion, or hear a Verbal Penegyrick on some French Taylor. ’Tis pity but Pedestals were Erected in the Garden, for the Novices to Mount on in their several Disguises, and there fix themselves in their Fencing and Dancing School Postures, and they’d serve rarely for Antick Images to Adorn the Walks; and no Question but the Painted things, according to the end they propose by their Finery, would be wonderfully Gaz’d at by the Ladies, and be thought Worthy of each Strumpets Admiration. For the Readers further satisfaction, I will let him more plainly see what sort of Animal I mean, by Summing up his Outside and Inside in a brief Character.

A Beau

Is a Narcissus that is fallen in Love with himself and his own Shadow. Within Doors he’s a great Friend to a great Glass, before which he admires the Works

of his Taylor, more than the whole Creation. With­out Doors he adores the Sun like a Persian, and walks always in his Rays, tho’ at Midsummer, to please hims­elf with a moving Copy of his own Proportion. His Body’s but a poor Stuffing of a Rich Case, like Bran in a Ladies Pincushion; that when the outside is stript off, there remains nothing that’s valuable. His Head is a Fools Egg which lies hid in a Nest of Hair: His Brains are the Yolk, which Conceit has Addled. He’s a stroling Assistant to Drapers and Taylors, showing every other Day a new Pattern and a new Fashion: He’s a walking Argument against Immortality; for no Man, by his Actions or his Talk, can find he has more Soul than a Goose. He’s a very Troublesome Guest in a Tavern, and must have good Wine chang’d three or four times, till they bring him the worst in the Cellar before he’ll like it. His Conversation is as intolerable as a Young Counsel in Term-time, Talking as much of his Mistresses as the other does of his Motions; and will have the most Words, tho’ all that he says is nothing. He’s a Bubble to all he Deals with, from his Whore to his Periwig-Maker, and hates the sordid Rascal that won’t Flatter him. He Scorns to condescend so low, as to speak to any Person beneath the Dignity of a Nobleman; the Duke of such a place, and my Lord such a one, are his com­mon Cronies, from whom he knows all the Secrets of the Court, but dares not impart ’em to his best Friends, because the Duke enjoin’d him to Secresie. He is always furnished with New Jests from the last New Play, which he most commonly spoils in repeat­ing. His Watch he compares with every Sun-Di­al, Swears it Corrects the Sun; and plucks it out so frequently in Company, that his Fingers go oftener in a day to his Fob, than they do to his Mouth, spend­ing more time every Week in showing the Rarity of the Work, than the Man did in making on’t; be-

beinging as fond to tell the Price without desiring, as he is to tell the Hour without asking: he is as constant a Visiter of a Coffee-House, as a Drury-Lane Whore is of Covent-Garden-Church; where he Cons over the News-Papers with as much Indifference, as the other Prays; Reading only for Fashions sake, and not for Information. He’s commonly of a small standing at one of the Universities, tho’ all he has Learn’d there is to know how many Taverns there are in the Town, and what Vintner has the handsom’st Wife. Tho’ his Parents have given him an ex­pensive Education: He’s as Dumb to Rhetorick, as a Fool to Reason; and Blind to Philosophy, as an Owl in the Sunshine: and as Deaf to Understand­ing as a Priest to Charity. He often hopes to pass for a Wit by calling other People Fools; and his fine Apparel is his only Armour that Defends him from Contempt. He’s a Coward amongst Brave-Men, and a Brave-Fellow amongst Cowards; a Fool amongst Wise-Men, and a Wit in Fools Company: All that I know he’s good for, is to give a poor Fellow a Dinner that will do him Homage; and to help to serve the turn of an Insatiate Woman, instead of a D—w.

By this time I had finish’d the Picture of my Beau, the Bellfa’s, in their Morning Gowns, and Wadded Waste-Coats, without Stays, began to flow as fast into the Walks, as Whores into the Eighteen-Penny Gallery, at the third Act, Tripping about in search of their Foolish Admirers, like so many Birds on a Va­lentines-Day, in order to find a Mate. I was mighti­ly pleas’d at the various Diverting Scenes, with which I was Entertained in this Natural Theatre, where I had so large an opportunity of observing the Vanity of both Sexes, in a greater Perfection, than the Drama, by faint imitation, is capable of Representing. I can­not here make so good a use of it as I would do, be-

because causeI am Oblig’d to take Notice of something of greater Moment. I shall therefore only give you a short Character of a Modish-Lady in Verse, and so quit the Walks to pursue my farther Intention.

From thence I took a turn into the City, where People were running about with as much concern in their Countenances, as if they had received News of the French Landing, or that an Army of Irish Papists had taken Possession of Stocks-Market, in order to Mas­sacre the Protestants, and Plunder the City.

At last I went to Jonathan’s Coffee-House by the Change, to enquire into the meaning of this strange Disorder; where I saw a parcel of Men at one Table, Consulting together, with as much Malice, Horror,

Anger and Despair in their Looks, as if a new Pe­stilence had sprung up in their Families, and their Wives had run away with their Journeymen to avoid the Infection. And at another Table, a parcel of Merry Hawk’d-look’d Blades, Laughing and Pointing at the rest, as if, with abundance of Satisfaction, they Triumph’d over the others Afflictions. At last, upon a little Enquiry into the matter, I found the Honest Brotherhood of the Stock-Jobbers, were in a Lamen­table Confusion, and had divided themselves into two parts, Fools and Knaves. A few of the latter having been too Cunning for a great many of the former, had drawn in some Two, some Three, some Four or Five Hundred Pounds deep, to the Ruine of many, and the great Disadvantage of more, who having been tinder the Reputation of Knaves all their Lives time, have at last, by the unexpected ill Success of an Unlucky Project, Undeceiv’d the World at once, and prov’d themselves the Arrantest Fools in the whole City: And for the Readers better Infor­mation, I have drawn one of these Sublunary Busie-Bodies, into a Brief Character, with which I shall conclude.

A Stock-Jobber.

Is a Compound of Knave, Fool, Shop-keeper, Mer­chant and Gentleman. His whole Business is Trick­ing: When he Cheats another, he’s a Knave; when he suffers himself to be Out-Witted, he’s a Fool; He most commonly keeps a Visible Trade going, and with whatsoever he gets in his Shop, he makes him­self a Domestick Merchant upon Change, by turning Stock-Adventurer, led on by the mighty hopes of ad­vancing himself to a Coach and Horses, that he might Lord it over his Neighbouring Mechanicks. He’s as great a Lover of Uncertainty, as some Fools are of the

Royal-Oak-Lottery; and would not give a Farthing for an Estate got without a great deal of Hazard. He’s a kind of Speculum, wherein you may behold the Passions of Mankind, and the Vanity of Humane Life: To Day he Laughs and to Morrow he Grins, is the Third Day Mad, and always Labours under those Twin Passions Hope and Fear; rising one Day, and Falling the next, like Mercury in a Weather-Glass, and cannot Arrive to that pitch of Wisdom, as to know one Day what he shall be the next: He is never un­der the Prospect of growing Rich; but at the same time under the Danger of being Poor, and is always to be found between Hawk and Buzzard: He Spins out his Life between Faith and Hope, but has nothing to do with Charity, because there’s little to be got by’t. He’s a Man whose great Ambition is to Ride over others, in order to which, he resolves to Win the Horse, or Lose the Saddle.

THE
London-Spy.
PART XVII.

HAVING received a Note from my Friend to meet him at the Sign of the Dolphin in Lombard-Street; which Fish, by mistake of the Painter, is render’d more like a Crooked Billet, than the Creature it’s design’d to Represent: At the time appointed I accordingly went, where my Friend, over a Penny Nipperkin of Malossas Ale, sat ready to receive me. When an ac­customary Salutation had pass’d between us, it being about the time when Stroling Pastry-Cooks, who keep their Shops in their Baskets, Pay their Visits to their Customers, we began to Consult about our Dinner, being Posted in a very convenient House for that purpose: At last, agreed to Corroborate our Bodies with a Slice of that Martial Venison, Beef, fit Food for either Saint, Soldier, or Saylor, the King of Meats, and the most delicious of all Dainties, saith, S— the Poet, and Marriot the Councellour. When we had supprest our Hunger, the most Powerful of all Appetites, and tir’d our Jaws with tedious Mastication, we began to fall into Talk about our Neighbour-

Neighbouringing Scavengers, whose Houses are the Lay-Stalls of that filthy Dross which Defiles the Virgin, Corrupts the Priest, Contaminates the Fingers of the Judge, is the Curse of every ill, and the very Seed of Humane Misery; it’s the mistaken Happiness of Mankind, which brings with it, where so e’er it comes, a Thousand Curses worse than Poverty. Prithee, says my Friend, don’t rail so against Money, it’s a Task becomes no body but a Mendicant, who is always endeavouring to put other People that have it out of Conceit with it, that they may the more willingly part with it to those that want it; there’s a great deal to be said in the behalf of Money, and if you were but to hear a Rich Parson Preach a Lecture upon it, according to his real Sentiments, he would Teach you, perhaps, to have as good an Opinion of it as e’er an Alderman of the City. You must consider our Ancestors had as great a Veneration, for this sort of Dirt, as you call it, as the present Age can possibly bear towards it; as you may find by the excellent Vertues they ascribe to it, in their old sayings, viz. Money answers all things. Money makes the Old Wife Trot. Money makes the Mare to go. What Words won’t do, Gold will; and a great many other Adages I could recollect, with a lit­tle thinking, which would show sufficiently that our Fore-Fathers were as much given to Value this Root of all Evil, as some term it, as any of our Modern Misers can be. Therefore if you’ll take Council of a Friend, instead of Slighting it, endeavour to get it; and never rail against it, till you are assur’d you have enough to serve your Turn. To despise Riches when they are out of your Power, favours more of Envy than Philosophy; but to seem not to Value Wealth when you have it in Possession, is an Argument of Generosity.

I thank’d him for his Instructions, which were a little out of my way at present to put in practice;

and then began to enquire of him what method those great Dealers in Money chiefly take for the Improve­ment of such mighty Sums which were trusted in their Power. In answer to which, my Friend gave me this following Information: The best of their Harvest, says he, is now over; ever since the alteration of the Coin has put a Period to the Project of Diminution, their Trade has been in a declining Condition; but they have, most of them, so feather’d their Nests by the old Treasonable Snip-Snap, that they have no oc­casion to fear the greatest Disadvantages their Trade can fall under. As an Argument of their Dealings in that profitable Affair, I will give you a convinc­ing instance of my own Knowledge viz. I had in the very heat of those mysterious times, a Bill upon an Eminent Banker, not far off, to receive Twenty five Pounds; and waiting in the Shop till he had dis­patch’d his Business with some other Persons who were stept in before me, in comes a Spark in a good Cam­let Cloak lin’d with Red, Sword, Long Wig, and Beaver Hat, and gave the Banker a Bag of Money, desiring him to lay it by for him, and he Would call for it on the Morrow Morning; which he took from him, and laid down upon a Seat on the other side of the Counter: The Person that brought it becoming his Habiliments but Awkwardly, looking like the Tinker in Jevern’s Farce in a Lords Apparel, occasion’d me to take more than ordinary Notice of his Face, which I was assur’d I had often seen, but could not, till he was gone, recollect where; at last fully satisfied my self, about a Twelvemonth before he was a Cobler at West­minster, who had Mended many a Pair of Shoes, and run of many an Errand for me, I then Lodging with­in three or four Doors off where he kept his Stall, in which he us’d to be as Merry over his Work with the Ballad of Troy-Town, as ever was Country Dame over her Spinning-Wheel, or a Musical Mumpkin with his

Jews Trump. When he had told over the several Sums and satisfied the Demands of the first Comers, show­ing as much double-handed Dexterity in telling of Money, as a Hocus Pocus can well show in the Convey­ance of his Balls, I then accosted him, and show’d him my Authority for another Sum, which he was ready to; pay upon sight of the Bill, as if he was never better pleas’d; than when he was getting rid of his Money; and taking up the Bag my old Acquaintance had left, attempts to pay me in such Scrupulous and Diminutive pieces, that I thought nothing but a Knave would offer to Pay, or a Fool be willing to Receive: Up­on which I refus’d to take it; he urg’d the Money was passable, telling me That a Gentleman left it with him but just before; which he thought, I suppose, I had not observed. Pray, said I, what was that Gentle­man? He answering me, An Essex Gentleman of Six or Seven Hundred Pounds a Year; said I, I saw the Person that left; it, and if he be worth such an Estate as you speak of, he has got it in a very little time; for within this Year and a Quarter, he has Soled me a pair of Shoes for Sixteen-pence, and I am sure he had not Land enough then to raise a Bunch of Carrots in, or Money enough to spare to buy the Seed, there­fore I fancy you are mistaken, in the Man. Oh dear, Sir, says he, your Eyes are strangely deceived, he’s a very worthy Honest Gentleman, I have had Money of his in my Hands, at times, this Seven Years. But, how­ever, Sir, if you don’t like this Money, I’ll see if I can look you better. And with that goes and finds me out good Market Money to Content; which, I suppose, I should have had some difficulty to have got, had it not been for my Accidental discovery.

Well, said I, but this Golden Age is past, and what Methods do they take now to improve their Cash? The chief Advantage, says he, that they now make is by supplying the Necessities of straighten’d Merchants

and great Dealers, to pay the Duty of Goods imported, rather than they should fall under the Discredit as Well as Dis­advantage of being run into the Kings Ware-House; or by assisting of ’em in the purchase of great Bargains, or the like; for which they make ’em pay such un­reasonable Extortion, that they Devour more of the Merchants Profit, than Snails, Worms, or Magpies, do of the Farmers Crop, or the Gardiners Industry: In Relation to which I’ll inform you of a pretty Dis­appointment that lately happen’d to one of these Un­conscionable Usurers, who Insisted upon a very ex­travagant Gratuity for the Loan of a considerable Sum, to a very Eminent Merchant; which tale is as follows.

A Person of Quality having made a Topping Ban­ker in Lombard-Street his Cashier, and having occasion to talk with him about some Pecuniary Affairs, Or­der’d his Coachman to drive him to his Shop, where he found the Banker talking very Busily with a Mer­chant. The Banker, in respect to his Quality, came immediately to his Coach-side, to know the Gen­tlemans Pleasure, who desir’d him first to dispatch his Business with the Person he was before talking to, and he would tarry in his Coach till he had done, for he was in no great haste. Upon which, the Ban­ker retiring into the Shop, they proceeded again to the matter in hand, which was about Lending the Merchant a Sum of Money, who was very unwil­ling to come up to the Bankers unreasonable De­mands for the use of it, which the Merchant requir’d but for one Month: The Banker being well acquaint­ed with the present Necessity of the Merchant for Money, tho’ a very Rich Man, and a great Dealer, stuck close to his first Proposals, and would Abate him nothing of the Extortion he requir’d, which oc­casion’d ’em at last to talk so warmly, that the Gen­tleman over-heard their Discourse; and calling his

Footman, Whisper’d him, and bid him Dog the Gen­tleman till he had fix’d him, and bring him an Account where he left him, to Lloyds Coffee-House. The Merchant being very unwilling to comply with the Bankers Avaritious Terms, went out of the Shop in a huff, and told him he would see what he could do elsewhere, before he would submit to so inhumane an Exaction. As soon as he was gone, the Footman observ’d the Commands of his Master, who after he talk’d a little with the Banker, bid his Coach wait till he walk’d over to Lloyds, where, in a little time, his Footman brought him Intelligence that the Gen­tleman he order’d him to follow, was gone into a great House in Mincing-Lane, which he believ’d was his own Habitation, because when the Door was open­ed to him, he went readily in, without asking the Ser­vant any Questions. Upon which the Gentleman steps into his Coach, and orders his Footman to direct the Coach to the House, where the Gentleman orders his Man to Knock, and ask the Servant that should come to the Door, whither their Master was within, who answer’d Yes, but that he was just sit down to Dinner. The Gentleman bid the Servant not disturb him; but desir’d to walk into a Room, and he would stay till he had Din’d. Upon which they show’d him into a Parlour, where he waited but a little time before the Merchant, upon his Servants Information, came to him. The Gentleman finding it to be the same Person, ask’d him if about an Hour since, he was not Treating with such a Banker about such an Affair. He told him, Yes, he was: And seem’d to be surprized the Gentleman should know any thing of the matter; who, to make the Merchant easie, discover’d by what means he became acquainted with what had pass’d between him and the Banker; expressing himself to the Merchant after this man­ner, I have, says he, in the Bankers hands you were talk-

talkinging to, between three and four Thousand Pounds, and if he can think it safe to Trust part of my Money in your hands for the sake of an Unreasonable Advantage, I don’t know why I may not Trust you as well my self upon more Reasonable Terms: He pays me no In­terest, and I cannot think him an Honest Man that will be so severe with another, in whose hands I have reason to be­lieve he thinks his Money safe, or else he would not Venture it at all, tho’ on the most Advantagious Conditions. Therefore since he was so hard with you, if you will let me know what Sum your Occasions require, I will give you my Note upon the same Person to pay you the Money, which you shall use for any Reasonable time without a Penny Interest or Gra­tuity.

The Merchant amaz’d at so Generous an Offer from a Stranger, exprest himself in all the thankful Ac­knowledgements imaginable, and gladly accepted of his Kind­ness, telling him Six Hundred Pounds would do his Business, for that three or four Ships were come in, on Board of which he had considerable Effects, and that the Money was to help pay the Customs. The Gentleman accordingly, as the Merchants Straights re­quired, draws him a Bill upon the Banker for Six Hundred Pounds; and afterwards found such agreeable Honesty from the Merchant, that he drew all his Mo­ney out of the Bankers hands, and put it into the Merchants; by which means he is become one of the Richest Men and Greatest Merchants in the City; and the Banker lost a good Friend, to his great Injury, as a just Reward of his Covetousness.

These Base and Unchristian-like Impositions, are so Practical amongst the Bankers and Money Scriveners, that Mr. D.J. Lecturer of St.— Parish, thought it his Duty to Reprove ’em Publickly in Lombard-Street Church, for their abominable Usury and Extortion; which they so highly Resented being touch’d to the Quick, that instead of Reforming their Jewish and

Unlawful Practices, they Protested against his Doctrine, like a parcel of Incorrigible Sinners, and turn’d the Consciencious Priest out of his Lectureship, for the Faithful Discharge of his Holy Function; who gave ’em a Notable tho’ Unwelcome Reprehension, in his Farewell Sermon, chusing these Words for his Text, Am I therefore become your Enemy, because I tell you, the Truth? Therefore, since to the utmost of my Power I have enlightened your Understanding of these City-Money-Jobbers, I hope you will Sum up a short Cha­racter of one of them in Verse, to oblige the World; and I make no doubt, but t’will be very acceptable: Which, according to my Friends Request, I have done for the further Satisfaction of the Reader.

I having a Relation in Town, who, about twelve Months since, had the Courage, in spight of Cuckold­om, to suffer a Parson to Rob him of his Native Li­berty, and bind him fast, with Fetters of Matrimony, to Mans Misery, a Wife; and the first Fruits of their Drudgery being lately crept out of its Original Ha­bitation into this World of Affliction; the Joyful Father bringing me the glad Tidings of my New Squab Relation, very closely Solicited me to do the Pennance of a Godfather, that the little Epitomy of the Dad might be craftily cleans’d from the Sin of his Birth, and the Iniquity of his Conception. I wanting Ill-Nature enough to resist his Importunities, submitted to his Request; and engag’d my self for once to stand as a Tom-Doodle for an Hour or two, to be Ban­ter’d by a Tittle-Tattle Assembly of Female Gossips. The time appointed for the Solemnization of this An­cient piece of Formality being come, after I had put on a clean Band, and bestow’d two Pennyworth of Razorridge on the most Fertile part of my Face, whose Septuary Crop requir’d Mowing, away I

Trotted towards the Joyful Habitation of my Friend and Kinsman, but with as aking a Heart, as a Wise Man goes to be Married, or a Broken Merchant comes near the Counter; at last I came to the Door which I pass’d by Backwards and Forwards, three or four times, as a Bashful Lover does by his Mistresses Lodging, be­fore I had Courage enough to enter; fancying eve­ry time I went up to the Door, I heard a Confusion of Womens Tongues come thro’ the Key-hole, which struck with such a violence upon the Drum of my Ear, that ’twas ready when I Listen’d, to Knock me backwards. At last I pluck’d up a Spirit like a City Draper going to Dun a Man of Quality, and gave a Rap at the Door, which brought Nurse Busie-Body to give me admittance, who introduc’d me into a Back Parlour, and call’d her Master; of whom I enquir’d after the Welfare of the Woman in the Straw, who answer’d me according to the Old Phrase, As well, God be thanked, as can be expected for a Woman in her Condition. I told my Kinsman I dread the Fatigue I was bound to run thro’, who heartily pitied my Condition, and advis­ed me to put on the best assurance I could; telling me he was equally oblig’d to be a Part’ner in my Suffer­ings; for that he expected to be Tongue-Teas’d, by that time the Wine had gone a little about, as bad as a Man that had beat his Wife before a whole Jury of Matrons. The Women, Heaven be praised, were usher’d up Stairs, so that I was in no great danger of having my Ears stretch’d upon the Rack of Verbosity, till the Sacerdotal Administration of the Sacrament was over.

By this time in came my Brother Nuncupator, who was to stand the Bears with me; and after we had made our selves a little acquainted, by enquiring of each other what News, and the like; we began to look forward, and consider of the difficulties we were to run thro’ Poh, says he, never fear, I’ll

warrant you we’ll deal with ’em well enough, let me alone to bring you off, I have been us’d to ’t. This is Sport, says he, that I have been at so often, that I believe half the Children in the Parish call me Godfather: I am as well known to all the Gossips hereabouts, as St. Austin is to the Parson, or Amen to the Clerk. Do but take my me­thod amongst ’em, and you will gain their Hearts for ever, and be accounted as pretty a Man by ’em as ever came in­to a Womans Company, or listen’d to the Tattles of a Fe­male Convention; that is, be sure you highly praise the Fair Sex, and speak very Honourably of the State of Matrimo­ny, rail soundly against all those Jealous Pated Coxcombs that abuse their Wives, tho’ with good Reason; and declare every Man that thinks himself a Cuckold deserves to be made one; and that it is always Mens own Faults that they are so. Be sure remember a Womans Freedom is an Ar­gument of her Honesty; and that the Still Sow Eats all the Draught; that a Woman ought to have a Chearuping Cup as well as a Man; and that she may go into a Tavern with another without her Husband, and may be very Honest for all that; and that she may like another Mans Company for his good Humour, merry Jests, and witty Con­versation, without doing an ill thing, or abusing her Hus­band. Tongue the Old Wo­men when you Kiss ’em, and suck the Lips of the Young ones like a Horse-leach. If you hear a Woman rail against her Husband be sure you second her, and say he’s a very Morose Man to use so good a Woman after so ill a manner; besure you Preach up Female Authority, that a Husband ought to mind nothing but his Trade, and let the Wife alone to Govern the Family: That no Woman who wants Children by her Husband ought to be blam’d if she raises Seed with Discretion by another, since it takes off from her the Reproach of being Barren, not forgetting the Old saying, There’s no harm done when a good Child’s got. Follow hut these Instructions, and Lard your Talk now and then with a little Waggery, wrapt up in clean Linnen, and you

need not doubt but you will find your self as acceptable a Man amongst ’em, as if they had heard that Nature had bestow’d as great a Fools Blessing upon you, as ever they desir’d to partake of.

I thank’d him kindly for his Servicable Documents, and was mightily satisfied I had so experienc’d a Part­ner to assist me at the Solemnity, not fearing but so good an Example would be a means of carrying me cleverly thro’ the whole Ceremony without Baulk or Discountenance. By this time in came the Parochial Sprinkler with Amen at his Heels, who were usher’d up Stairs among the Assembly of Help-mates. Now, thought I, the Curtain’s to be drawn, and the Show is ready to begin presently. Whilst I was thus think­ing, down came Nurse to desire us to Walk up, who had so adorn’d her Wither’d Countenance with Tape-Lac’d Head-Cloaths, that her Weasel Face look’d as disproportion’d to her Commode, as a Tom-Tits Egg put into an Owls Nest. Having a Scollop Lac’d Hand­kerchief round her Neck, that look’d as Old Fashion’d as if Eve had Spun the Thread and made the Lace with the same Needle she Sow’d her Fig-Leaf Apron with. Having round her a white Safe-Guard, ty’d down behind with Tape, that she look’d all over as white as the very Ghost of Bateman, in the Droll.

As soon as we came into the Room, and had bow’d our Backs to the Old Cluster of Harridans, and they, in return, had bent their Knees to us, I sneak’d up to the Parsons Elbow, and my Part’ner after me; and there I stood as Demurely as if I had just turn’d Jew, and was Circumcis’d before all the Company. The Parson plucking out a Pocket-Tool belonging to his Trade, began in Solemn-wise the Preface to the Business in hand, whilst old Mother Grope stood Rocking of the Bantling in her Arms, wrap’d up in so Rich a Mantle, as if both Indies had Club’d their utmost Riches to fur­nish out a Noble covering for my little Kinsman, who

came as callow into the World as a Bird out of an Egg-shell. At last the Babe was put into my hands to deliver, tho’ not as my Act and Deed, to the Parson, who having Consecrated some New-River-water for his purpose, wash’d away Original Sin from my new Nephew, and brought him amongst us Christians, in­to a State of Salvation. But when my froward God­son felt the cold Water in his Face, he Threaten’d the Priest with such a parcel of Angry Looks, that if he had been strong enough I dare Swear he would have serv’d him the same Sauce, and if under the same Ignorance would have return’d him but little thanks for his Labour: After we had join’d together in a Petition for the good of the Infant Christian, the Re­ligious part was conducted; and now Kissing, Feasting and Jocularity were to follow in their proper places. I left it to my Part’ner to be the Lead­ing Man, resolving to be a true Copy of his Impudence to the utmost of my Capacity.

The first Example he set me was to Kiss the God-mother, who had a very passable Face and toler­able Mien; and as for her Age, I believe she was near upon the Meridian. I follow’d his directions to a Tittle, and Kist so very close, that I am confident the inside of her Lips could do no less than take off an impression of her Teeth, as deep as a Child leaves when he bites a Mouthful of Bread and Butter. As soon as ever the Parson had refresh’d his Spirits with a Bumper of Canary, dedicated to the Wo­men in the Straw; and the Clark had said Amen to his Masters good Wishes after the like man­ner, each of ’em accepted of a Paper of Sweat-Meats for his Wife or his Children, and away they went, leaving the rest of the Company behind, to make a Rehearsal of the Good Old Custom, always practicable at these Neighbourly sort of Meetings. The next piece of Lip-Exercise my Part’ner set me, was to

make a Regular Service of Kisses round the Room, keeping such exact time in the discharge of this Cere­mony, not daring to stay too long in a place, for fear the rest should have taken it ill, that if he had but Smack’d as he Kist, he would have kept much the same Measure, have made much the same Musick as a Church Clock that Clicks every Quarter of a Mi­nute. By that time he had ended his first Ceremoni­ous Essay to please the Ladies, and had swept off with his Lips the dry Scurf, which loosly hung upon the Muzzles of the old Women, and had suck’d a Vermilion Colour in the Lips of the Young ones; I began to succeed him in the Drudgery of O­sculation, which I went about with as ill a Will as a Security pays a Debt he never Drank for; tho’ there were two or three as Tolerable Temptations as a Man would desire to meet with, between a pair of Iniquity Councel-keepers; yet the Publick Formality of the matter so took off the Pleasure of Lip-Leachery, that instead of a Satisfaction, I thought it but a very trou­blesome Ridiculous piece of Ancient Superstition: One old Woman having the Palsie in her Head, happened, by a sudden Resolution of the Sinews, which Govern the under Jaw, to snap my under Lip in between her Gums, that had it not been for Shame I had cry’d out; but as Providence would have it, she had ne’er a Tooth, or else I believe she had spoil’d my Kissing for a Fort­night; this Accident begot in me ever since such Aversion to the Kissing of old Women, that I sincere­ly protest, I had rather Kiss Twenty Young Ones, Twenty times a piece, than to run the like hazard of having my Lips disfigur’d. The next part we agreed to perform, was a very costly piece of Ceremony; which was to pay our Acknowledgements to Mother Bawdy-Flirty who brought the little Prisoner out of his dark Dungeon into Light and Liberty; and so on to Nurse Caudle-Cook, who, thro’ Greediness of

the Present gave my Fingers such a Mercenary Gripe, as if she had mistaken my Hand, and thought she had got fast hold of the Rudder of my Affections. Ha­ving very orderly proceeded thus far without a Baulk, I was as glad I had overcome this, the most difficult part of my Journey; as a Pilgrim going to the Jubilee, is, that he has past the Alps. The greatest Uneasiness that remain’d now, being only a little Tittle-Tattle, which I did not doubt but the Wine would inspire me with Courage enough to Cope with. When this was over, the next piece of Folly that my Kinsman was Guilty on, in Submission to his Wifes Vanity, was to Usher the Assembly into the next Room, where was a very good Hot Supper ready upon the Table, and two or three Dozen of several sorts of Wine to Entertain their Ladyships, who before they sat down, the Parsons Business forcing him to take an Early leave of the Company, and I having the most Canonical Countenance, the Gossips pitch’d upon me to Bless the good Creatures; and, to tell you the Truth, being at a Non-plus for a Grace, and thinking it a Scandal to Acknowledge it, I was forc’d to blunder out one Extempore, as well as I could, for fear of be­ing taken for a Heathen, which, because of the Newness of it, I’ll present it to the Reader.

This Lucky thought so Oblig’d the whole Congre­gation of Tattle-Baskets, that I found by the satisfa­ction they exprest in their Countenances, scarce a Woman in the Company could forbear Clapping me; and the good Wives falling-to, as eagerly as so many Livery-Men at a Hall-Feast, were all so ready to help me with a Choice Bit, that I had a Plate Pil’d up in half a Minute, enough to have Feasted a whole Family of French Protestants just Landed. As soon as the Edges of our Hungry Appetites were taken off, and our Mouths were a little at Leisure to employ the Glass, and give way for our Tongues to express our Sentiments; the Women were presently so wonder­ful Busie in Drinking the Chaplains Health, that they had like to have forgot the Sow and her Pig, if it had not been for the Womans Oracle, the Midwife, who put ’em in Mind of it. By that time three or four Glasses had wash’d away their Counterfeit or Acquir’d Modesty, which restrain’d ’em from that freedom of the Tongue which their Natures prompt them to, we had as great a Jargon of confus’d Talk arose among us, as ever you heard amongst a Crowd of Female Neighbours, gather’d at a Womans door that had just Hang’d herself; Talking as much of the Ill-Qualities of their Servants, and good Humours of their Children, as a parcel of Country Gentlemen got over a Tub of double Ale, do of their Dogs and their Horses. When ever they Talk’d of any of their own Sex that

were not present, a Man that had been wholly unac­quainted with the Conversation of Women, would have thought they had been setting forth the Faults and Infirmities of some She-Devil; and that nothing which bore Humane Shape and Nature, could have been liable to so many Odious Imperfections; who, ’tis very likely, was much Handsomer, and more Ver­tuous, than the Ill-Natur’d she, who had Accumulated such a Number of Defects and Vices, and laid ’em to her Charge, who was not present to Justifie herself against ’em. The Failings of their Husbands also, was a great Subject of their Discourse, with now and then a Whisper, which, I suppose, was touching some Secret Disabilities, or Neglects, which were not Pro­per or Consistent, tho’ with the most free and Unre­strain’d Modesty, to speak in Publick.

At last a great Talk arose about such a Woman, who had been Marry’d two Years, and not proving with Child in so long a time, had lately made an E­lopement from her Husband with a Courtier, who had got her close in his Lodgings at Kensington, even to the Distraction of the poor Cuckold, who offers to take her again, but she won’t Live with him; Fye upon her, says old Mother Tumble-Tuzzy for a Naugh­ty Woman; if she had taken my Advice, I am sure it had been better for her; if things were as she told me, I am sure she had no great Reason to Complain; but in short, I don’t believe she Lov’d her Husband, for if she did, she would never have done so by him: I’ll Swear I pity the Man with all my Heart, I look upon him to be as Honest a Man as any dwells in the Parish; and, indeed, I believe he Lov’d his Wife very well. Ay, indeed, Neighbour, much better than such a Minx deserv’d. Why so, Madam? says a third, Why should you rail against the poor Woman be­hind her Back, she might have Reason enough to do what she did for ought you know. Reason! Marry hang her, says a fourth, What Reason could she have to bring her-

herselfself under this Scandal, and her Husband, poor Man, un­der all this Shame and Sorrow? If she could not be Content­ed with what the good Man could give her, there are Jour­ney-men and Prentices enough in the House, that she need not have been such a Slut to have run away from him. O fye, says another, Why sure you would not have had her Disgrac’d her self with so mean a thing, as a Servant, would you? Servants! reply’d the former, Marry come up, my Dirty Cousin! How little you make of Servants, as if ’twas imposible a Prentice or a Journey-Man could have a longer Nose than his Master: You see the Court Ladies have Wit enough to be Content with their own Coachmen and Footmen, and not come into the City to expose themselves. Besides, a Servant looks upon it to be so great an Honour, that he will take thrice the Pains to Oblige a Woman, as a Man will that’s her Equal. For which reason Quality have Sence enough, you see, to chuse such Men for their Gallants as are much beneath them, because they have ’em more at their Beck. And since we follow their Fashions, I don’t know but it would be better for us, if we follow’d their Ex­ample too. Nay, truly, Neighbour, says the other, I must confess there is something of Reason in what you say: But, in­deed, I think ’tis a Burning Shame that a Man who knows how ’tis with him, should be so Foolish to Marry a Woman, and bring her to these hardships; for they ought to consider, that’s the Truth on’t, we are Flesh and Blood as well as they.

In this sort of hopeful Tittle-Tattle they tired their Lungs, and wasted their Time, till they were most of them got as Boozy, as so many Bumpkins at a Wake, or Tipling Loyalists upon the Kings Birth-Day. The Merry Dames by this time, having at one sitting pretty well fill’d their Carcases, and empty’d their Minds, they began to call upon me, their Chaplain, to give them a Discharge; which put me in a second Non-plus, believing they had Drank themselves at Supper past all Grace; but found my self mistaken, forgetting that Hypocrites are always most Devout, when they are

Maudlin; Finding I had no way to avoid the Office, I made a shift to blunder thro’ this Ceremonious piece of Thanksgiving, after the following manner.

This so Obliged the Assembly of Fruitful Matrons, that I dare Swear I might have pick’d and chose as the Turk does in his Seraglio. I was now esteemed as the Prettiest, Wittiest, and Best Humoured Gen­tleman that ever they were in Company with in their Lives, and what a Thousand Pities it was I should be a Batchelour, every one Offering to help me to a Wife, that I began to be afraid they would have made a Priest of the Midwife, and Married me in spight of my Teeth before I could get out of their Company. I dare Swear, if we had had but a fair Opportunity, my Part’ner and I might have made as many Cuckolds this one Night, as ever were made by a couple of Church-Wardens, during the whole time of their Of­fice; and they have generally as great a Command

of the Parish, as any that Dwells in’t, except the Parson.

This Generous Entertainment we had hitherto had, was not sufficient to Plague my Poor Kinsman enough, and to gratifie the Ridiculous Prodigality of the good Woman in the Straw, it being the first Testimony of her Fertility: But after all this, the Extravagancy must be Sum’d up with a Service of Sweet-Meats, which every Gossip carry’d away in her Handkerchief; then were my Brother Witness and I forc’d to con­clude all with a Final Repetition of Old Judas’s Ce­remony, and so sent ’em packing Home to their own Dear Spouses, to Tease their Ears with a Rehearsal of their Welfare. What now remain’d for me to do, was to go up Stairs to bid my Bed-ridden Relation much Joy of her new Christian, and to Receive Thanks for the Trouble she had put me to: I Kist the good Woman with a good Will enough; but having no great Kindness for a Creature so newly Calv’d as my little Kinsman, I could not Salute him, but with as indifferent an Appetite as I did the Old Woman; for Bull-Veal, so very Young, and Cow-Beef so very Old, are two sorts of Flesh I could never heartily approve on; for I always fancy the one’s a little too Tender, and smells of the Cask, and the other a little too Tough, and stinks of a Coffin.

Having now struggled thro’ every difficult part of these Accustomary Formalities, I had nothing to do but to Thank them for their Liberal Entertainment, Wish the Women Well again, and both much Happi­ness in their Male Off-spring, and so take my Leave, which I did accordingly, and was as greatly over-joyed when I got out of the House, as ever Convict was that had broke Goal, or Detected Pick-Pocket that had escap’d a Horse-Pond.

When I came to my Lodging, I began to consider what further use I could make of the sundry Passages

and Pleasant Humours, I had observ’d among this Female Congregation; and at last agreed with my self ’twas a rare Opportunity to take off a true im­pression of a Gossip; which I desire the Reader to accept of.

THE
London-Spy.
PART XVIII.

A Deeper Concern hath scarce been known to affect in general the Minds of Grateful and Ingenious Men, than the Melancholy Surprize of the Worthy Mr. Dryden’s Death hath occasion’d thro’ the whole Town, as well as in all other parts of the Kingdom, where any Person, either of Wit or Learn­ing, have taken up their Residence. Wheresoever his in­comparable Writings have been scatter’d by the Hands of Travellers into Foreign Nations, the Loss of so great a Man must needs be Lamented amongst their Bards and Rabbies; and ’tis reasonable to believe the com­mendable Industry of Translators has been such, to render several of his most Accurate Performances intoin-

to their own Language, that their Native Country might receive the Benefit, and themselves the Repu­tation of so Laudable an Undertaking: And how far the Wings of Merit have convey’d the pleasing Fruits of his Exuberant Fancy, is a difficult Conjecture; con­sidering what a continual Correspondence our Nation has with most parts of the Universe. For it is reason­able to believe all Christian Kingdoms and Colonies at least, have been as much the better for his Labours, as the World is the worse for the Loss of him. Those who were his Enemies, while he was Living (for no Man Lives without) his Death has now made such Friends to his Memory, that they acknowledge they cannot but in Justice give him this Character, that he was one of the greatest Scholars, the most Correct Dramatick Poet, and the best Writer of Heroick Verse, that any Age has produced in England: And yet to verifie the old Proverb, That Poets, like Prophets have little Honour in their own Countries, notwithstanding his Merit had justly Intit’led his Corps to the most Magnificent and Solemn Interment, the Benificence of the greatest Spirits could have bestow’d on him; yet ’tis Credibly Reported the Ingratitude of the Age is such that they had like to have let him pass in private to his Grave, without those Funeral Obsequies suitable to his Greatness, had it not been for that true Brittish Worthy, who meeting with the Venerable Remains of the neglected Bard passing silently in a Coach un­regarded to his last Home, order’d the Corps, by the Consent of his few Friends that attended him, to be Respited from so Obscure an Interment; and most Generously undertook at his own Expence to revive his Worth in the Minds of a forgetful People, by be­stowing on his Peaceful Dust a Solemn Funeral an­swerable to his Merit; which Memorable Action alone will Eternalize his Fame with the greatest Heroes, and add that Lustre to his Nobility, which time can

never Tarnish; but will shine with equal Glory in all Ages, and in the very Teeth of Envy bid Defiance to Oblivion.

The Management of the Funeral was left to Mr. Russel, pursuant to the Directions of that Ho­nourable Great Man, the Lord Jefferies, concerned chiefly in the Pious Undertaking.

The first Honour done to his deserving Reliques, was Lodging ’em in Physicians Colledge; from whence they were appointed to take their last Remove. The Constituted Day for the Celebration of that Of­fice, which Living Heroes perform in respect to a Dead Worthy, was Monday, the 13th of May, in the after­noon: At which time, according to the Notice given, most of the Nobility and Gentry, now in Town, assem­bled themselves together at the Noble Edifice afore­said, in order to Honour the Corps with their Perso­nal Attendance. When the Com­pany were met, a Performance of Grave Musick, adapted to the Solemn occasion was Communicated to the Ears of the Company by the Hands of the best Masters in England; whose Artful Touches on their soft Instruments; dif­fused such Harmonious Influence amongst the atten­tive Auditors, that the most Heroick Spirits in the whole Assembly were unable to Resist the Passionate Force of each Dissolving Strain, but melted into Tears for the Loss of so Elegant and Sweet a Ravisher of Hu­mane Minds; and notwithstanding their undaunted Bravery, which had oft scorn’d Death in the Field, yet now by Musick’s Enchantment at the Funeral of so great a Poet, were soften’d beneath their own Na­tures, into a Serious Reflection on Mortality.

When this part of the Solemnity was ended, the Famous Doctor G-th ascended the Pulpit, where the Physicians make their Lectures, and deliver’d, according to the Roman Custom a Funeral Oration in Latin on his Deceased Friend; which he perform’d with great Approbation and Applause of all such

Gentlemen that heard him, and were true Judges of the matter; Most Rhetorically setting forth those El­ogies and Encomiums which no Poet hitherto, but the Great Dryden, could ever truly deserve. When these Rites were over in the Colledge, the Corps, by Bear­ers for that purpose, were handed into the Hearse, be­ing adorn’d with Plumes of Black Feathers, and the sides hung round with the Escutcheon of his Ance­stors, mixed with that of his Lady’s; the Hearse drawn by Six Stately Flanders-Horses: Every thing being set off with the most useful Ornaments to move Regard, and Affect the Memories of the Numberless Spectators, as a means to Encourage every Sprightly Genius to At­tempt something in their Lives, that may once render their Dust worthy of so Publick a Veneration. All things being put in due order, for their Movement, they began their Solemn Procession towards Westmin­ster-Abby, after the following manner.

The two Beadles of the Colledge march’d first in Mourning Cloaks and Hatbands, with the Heads of their Staffs wrapt in Black Crape Scarfs, being follow’d by several other Servile Mourners, whose Business was to prepare the way that the Hearse might pass less liable to Inter­ruption; next to these moved a Consort of Hoitboys and Trumpets, Playing and Sounding together a Me­lancholy Funeral March, undoubtedly Compos’d upon that particular Occasion, (after these the Undertak­er with his Hat off, Dancing thro’ the Dirt, like a Bear after a Bagpipe. I beg the Readers Pardon for foisting in a Jest in so improper a Place, but as he walk’d by himself within a Parenthesis, so I have plac’d him, and hope none will be offended) then came the Hearse, as before described, most Honourably at­tended with abundance of Quality in their Coaches and Six Horses, that it may be justly reported to Po­sterity, no Ambassador from the greatest Emperor in all the Universe, sent over with the Welcome

Embassy to the Throne of England, ever made his Publick Entry to the Court, with half that Honour, as the Corps of the Great Dryden did its last Exit to the Grave. In this order the Nobility and Gentry, attended the Hearse to Westminster-Abby, where the Quire, assisted with the best Masters in England, Sung an Epicedium; and the last Funeral Rites being perfor­med by one of the Prebends, he was as Honourably in­ter’d between Chaucer and Cowley: Where, accord­ing to Report, will be Erected a very Stately Monu­ment, at the Expense of some of the Nobility, in or­der to Recommend his Worth, and Preserve his Memo­ry, to all succeeding Ages.

The Cause of his Death being very remarkable, it will not be improper in this place to take Notice of it, as a means to put the World in mind of what slender Accidents are sufficient to change the State of Man, and hurry him into the Darksome where of Eternity. The occasion of his Sickness was a Lameness in one of his Feet, springing from so Trivial a Cause as the Flesh growing over one of his Toe-Nails, which being neg­lected begot a Soreness, and brought an Inflammation in his Toe; and being a Man of a gross Body, a Flux of Humours falling into the part, made it very Trouble­some, that he was forced to put himself into the Hands of an able Surgeon, who foreseeing the danger of a Mortification, advised him to part with the Toe af­fected, as the best means to prevent the ill conse­quence likely to ensue; which he refused to consent to, believing a Cure might be effected by less severe Means than the loss of a Member, till at last his whole Leg Gangreen’d which was presently follow’d by a Mor­tification, so that nothing remain’d to prevent Death, but an Amputation of the Member thus Putrified; which he refused to consent to, saying, He was an Old Man and had not long to Live by Course of Nature, and, therefore, did not care to fart with one Limb, at

such an Age, to preserve an Uncomfortable Life in the rest; and, therefore, chose rather to submit to Death, which in a little time after, according to the foresight of his Surgeons and Physicians, did unhappily hap­pen. Having thus given the Reader the manner of his Death, as well as the order of his Funeral, I could not with-hold my Muse from presuming to attempt an Elegy, or Funeral Song in respect to the Memory of so Worthy an Author, whose Name and Works will out-live Time, and stand up with Eternity.

I shall now return to Chancery-Lane-end, where I stood to see the Funeral pass by, observing there some Passages of Hackney-Coachmen and the Mob, worth delivering to the Reader. The great Number of

Qualities Coaches that attended the Hearse, so put the Hackney Whore Drivers out of their Biass, that against the Kings-Head-Tavern there happen’d a great stop, occasion’d by a Train of Coaches which had block’d up the narrow end of the Lane, obstructed by an In­tangl’d number of movable Bawdy-Houses, who wait­ed to turn up the same narrow Gulph the others wanted to go out of; some with their Poles run into the Windows of anothers Coach, wherein fat Bawd and Whore, or Mother and Daughter squeaking out for the Lords Sake, that some Merciful good Man would come in to their Assistance.

One Impudent Corrector of Jades Flesh, had run his Pole against the back Leather of a foregoing Coach, to the great damage of a Beau’s Reins, who Peeping out of the Coach-door, with at least a fifty Ounce Wig on, Swore Damn him if he came out he would make as great a Slaughter amongst Hackney Rogues with his Sword, as ever Sampson did amongst the Philistines with the Jaw-bone of an Ass. Whilst he was thus Cursing and Swearing, like an old Sinner in a Fit of the Gout, his own Coachman flinging back the Thong of his Whip, in striking of his Horses, gave him such a Cut over the Nose, that he Jerk’d in his Head as if he had been Shot, not knowing from whence the blow came, that he sat raving within his Leathern Territories, like a Mad Man Chain’d down to his Seat, in order to be carry’d to the famous Do­ctor N-ns to be Cur’d, not daring to look out, for fear, after the like manner, he should a second time Pay for his Peeping. The Coachmen all the while Salu­ting one another with such Diabolical Titles, and con­founding one another with such bitter Execrations, as if every one was striving which should go to the Devil first; Attacking each other with such a Volley of Oaths, that if a parcel of Informers had stood by as Witnesses to their Prophaneness, and would have

taken the Advantage, there would scarce have been one amongst ’em but what had Swore out his Coach and Horses in half the time of the Disorder. At last, by sundry Stratagems, Painful Industry, and the great Expence of Whip-Cord, they gave one another way; and then with their Hey-ups, and Ill-Natur’d Cuts upon their Horses, they made such a rattling over the Stones, that had I been in St. Sepulchers Bellfrey upon an Execution-Day, when the Prisoners Bell Rings out, I could not have had a more ungrateful Noise in my Head, than arose from their Lumbring Conveyancies.

No sooner had these dispers’d themselves toward the several Places they were Bound to by their Fares, but one of the Prize-Fighting Gladiators, from Dorset-Garden Theatre, where he had been Exercising the se­veral Weapons of Defence with his Bold Challenger, upon a clear Stage without Favour, was Conducted by in Triumph, with a couple of Drums to Proclaim his Victory, attended with such a parcel of Scarified Ruffians, whose Faces seem’d to be as full of Cuts, as a Plow’d Field is of Furrows; some their Countenances Chop’d into the Form of a Good-Fryday Bun, With Cuts cross one another, as if they were marked out for Chri­stian Champions: Others having as many Scars in their Bear-Garden Physiognomies, as there are marks in a Chandlers Cheese, scor’d out into Pennyworths. These were Hem’d in with, such a cluster of Journeymen. Shooe-makers, Weavers and Taylors, that no Bayliff, from an Inns-of-Court Bog-House, or a Pick-Pocket carrying to be Pump’d, could have been Honour’d with a grea­ter Attendance. Tho’ this, the Victorious Comba­tant, came off with Flying, yet ’twas with Bloody-Colours; for by the Report of the Mob, like a true Cock, he won the Day after he had lost an Eye in the Battle. They maul’d one another Stoutly, to the great Satisfaction of the Spectators. I think it will not be

amiss, if in this Place I present the Reader with a Cha­racter of a Prize-Fighter, it being properly enough introduced, I have thought fit to put into Lyrick Verse, as follows.

The Town having received Notice, by an Advertise­ment in the Post-Boy, of a great Cause to be Try’d on the following Wednesday, at the Kings-Bench-Bar, at Guild-Hall, between one of St. Hugh’s False Prophets, who can foretell more in an Hour than will prove true in an Age, Plaintiff; and a Famous Student in the Coelestial Sciences, most highly Learn’d in the Lan­guages of the Stars, Defendant; the former having Se­cundum Artem, pursuant to the Old Custom of Alma­nack-makers, most closely attack’d the latter about several profound Points in the Mystery of Astrology, in which many Fools, put more Faith than they do in the Twelve Articles; and Wisely knowing a Vollev of Scurrility, where Scoundrels are to be Judges of the Battle, would do more Execution against a Ri­sing Competitor, and Wound the Reputation of such an Adversary far deeper than the Dint of Argu­ment, drawn from the Rules of Art, assisted by sound

Reason, thought it therefore his safest method to stuff his Almanacks as full of hard Calumny and Ill Words, as the Art is full of Fallacy and Lying; according­ly began the Quarrel in Publick, in as sweet Obliging Language as ever a Billingsgate Tirmagant be­stow’d in Anger upon a provoking Sister, in the Tur­bulant times of Herrings, Sprats, or Mackrel-Season, as if Sense and Manners were Incongruous with Star-Fumbling; and Railing and Lying were the two Sup­porters of Astrology.

This Malicious sort of Treatment from his Predict­ing Brother Philomath, so Animated the Defendant, that he could not forbear flinging off all Modesty and Patience, resolving to contend with his new Enemy at his own Weapon Scurrility, and give him a true Taste, in return of his Complements, of those Stabbing Abuses, which none but the worst of Men would give, or the best of Christians pass by without Notice: Ac­cordingly he Arms his Ephemeris with such a Justifi­cation of himself, and Whetting his Ill-Nature upon the very Grindstone of Revenge, chew’d his Words, as Spightful Enemies do their Bullets, till he had made ’em so very Rough and Ragged, that whereever they ent’red, they made the Wound incurable. The De­fendant having the best end of the Staff, and being Vext, Exercising his Weapon with more Cunning and Dexterity, so maul’d his Opponent, that ’tis thought, had he any in his Scull, he would have Knock’d his Brains out. Being thus so hard set, he was forc’d to a very Dishonourable Retreat, insomuch that he began to con­sider his Money was a better Security than his Wits, and the Law a much better Refuge under this Defeat, than Ptolomy or Copernicus: Accordingly Commences a Suit with his Antagonist, by Arresting him in an Action of Scandal, laying his Damages Five Hundred Pounds, for the Loss of a Good Name, which he ne­ver Enjoyed.

The Day being Appointed for Tryal, amongst the rest of the Fools, my Curiosity must needs lead me to hear the matter determin’d: When I came into the Hall, all the Fortune-Telling Wise-Acres in the Town, both Male and Female, were drawn in a cluster from all the By-Allies in More-Fields, White-Chappel, Salisbury-Court, Water-Lane, Fleet-Street, and Westminster; who, I perceived, notwithstanding their Skill in Conjuration, by which they pretended to tell Fools their Fortune, and help the Credulous Ignorant to Lost Spoons, Thimbles and Bodkins, yet could not by their Art foresee which of the two Contending Planet-Peepers were most likely to obtain the Victory.

Several great Councel were Fee’d on both sides for the Tryal, looking upon the Ordinary means which other People use, as the best security in such Cases, to be much more safe than a dependance on the Stars, to discover by their Aspects what should be the Issue of the great dif­ference between ’em. Several of the Councel were Conning over the Almanacks., wherein they had set forth the Vertues and Merits of each other, to such an Admirable Perfection, that I perceiv’d by the Looks of the Lawyers, they were so affected with the Cause, that I believe, had it been Try’d, it would have given the Court as much Diversion, as the Ridiculousness of a Foolish Contention, or the Banter of the Counsel could have possibly afforded. Publick Notice of the Tryal having been given in the Post-Boy, great Numbers of Well-wishers to the Mathematicks had recourse to the Hall, in order to give their Attention; that there was more staring at the Conjurers as they Walk’d, than there was at the Two Giants as they stood; which shows the form­er are the greater Monsters in the Eyes of the People: But as ’tis common for Astrologers to make Fools of that part of the World that will give them an op­portunity, so indeed they serv’d us, who came with an expectancy to hear them made Fools themselves in

a Publick Court, who had made so many in the King­dom. But a little before the Cause was to be call’d on, I suppose, thro’ the Prudence of some Friend or other, who was willing to prevent their being farther ex­pos’d, they were advis’d to Endeavour at some agree­ment. Whereupon some Terms of Accommodation being propos’d, they stop’d the Trial, and adjour­ned to a Neighbouring Tavern to the great Disap­pointment of the Court, as well as Company.

I being curious to know what end they made of the matter follow’d into the same Tavern, and took up my sitting in the Publick Kitchen; where I had been but a little time, before a parcel of Approv’d Students in Physick and Astrology came in, whose Looks were as Legible to a Man of common Reason, as the Neck-Verse is to the Ordinary of Newgate: For by con­tracting their Faces into Ill-Looks, to render them­selves more Terrible to Silly Wenches, and such sort of Ignorant Creatures, who give Credit to their De­lusions, they had by Time and Practice Fram’d such Diabolical Air in their Crabbed Physiognomies, that no Body can well guess ’em any thing but Conjurers by their Countenances. As ’tis ge­nerally observed, when several of the same Profess­ion are in Company together, the Main Topick of their Discourse must be something relating to their own Art, Trade, or Mystery; for most People take a Pleasure in talking of what Business they are most Conversant with; so it proved by these the Deceivers of Humane Ignorance, who were standing up very highly for their Art, and what wonderful things might be, as well as had been, done therein.

A Gentleman sitting next ’em in the Kitchen, who, I suppose, had a very slender Opinion of these Egyptian kind of Juglers, took upon him now and then to flip in a Word amongst ’em, that so puzzled the matter in Hand, that the whole knot of Wizzardly Cacodemons were all Dumb-Founded. Yet they would peremptorily assert

that things might Infallibly be foretold by the Stars, and that the incredulity of those Persons who Op­pos’d Judicial Astrology, proceeded only from their Ignorance; and if they would but Study it as much as they have done, they would be throughly convinc’d that a certain Fore-sight of things to come might be Read in the great Library of the Heavens, as cer­tainly as the Change of Weather might be foretold by a Weather-Glass. Upon which the Gentleman, having seen ’em in Ordinary of the Hall, surpriz’d ’em with this following Question, viz. Pray, says he, Do you think it possible by the Art of Astrology to tell me if I am Robb’d, what’s become of the Thief? Yes, answers one, we can, and direct you by our know­ledge in the Stars which way you shall find him. I am very well satisfied, now, reply’d the Gentle­man, You must be a Pack of Deceitful Knaves, or a parcel of very Silly Fools: For if you are able to tell me, by consulting your Planetary Friends, what sort of a Man hath done me wrong, and which way I shall find him when he’s fled from Justice, what’s the Reason you cannot discover such Per­sons which the Government have truly described ready to your Hands, and have given you the Ad­vantage of their Names too, with an Assurance sometimes of five Hundred, some times a Thousand Pounds Reward for the great Service you would do the Nation to apprehend such Persons, which every good Subject ought to be Industrious to find out and bring to Justice? Therefore ’tis plain, if you will pretend to make a Serviceable Disco­very to an Ignorant Subject for half a Crown, and may have a Thousand Pound to serve the Govern­ment with the same Facility. ’Tis a great Argu­ment you are Juggling Knaves to under take the former, and Cozen People of their Money; or else that you are Errant Fools to neglect the latter, where-

whereinin your Recompence may be Eight Thousand times as great, for very little more than the same Trou­ble; for between Half a Crown, and a Thousand Pound, there’s just the same Disproportion. This put all the Star-Gazers to a great Nonplus for an Answer; which the Gentleman Observing, took a further Advantage of their Weakness, and ap­ply’d himself to ’em again, after this manner, I sup­pose, Gentlemen, says he, You are waiting here in order to hear by and by how the Cause will go be­tween the two famous Conjuring Antagonists. No, Sir, says one, I find you are no Astrologer by your Guess; the Trial is put off by Consent till the next Sitting of the Court, in order to an Accommodation: But I sup­pose, Sir, reply’d the Gentleman, You came with an Expectancy of hearing it Debated this very Day? Yes, Sir, says one of them, We did so: Why then, Sir, says the Gentleman, You Astrologers may be out of your Guess, as well as other People, or else why could you not foresee by your Art how the Cause would go; or if you came to Day to hear it determi­ned, that you’d be all made Fools on. Because, says one, We took the Report as a granted Truth, and never consulted the Stars at all about the matter: Truly, reply’d the Gentleman, If you had, I believe you would have found your selves as much the Wiser, as he that consults Cornelius Agrippa, about raising an Homunculus; and so farewel to you.

When he had made his Exit; my Sober Reflection on what he had said, whilst I was seriously a wasting a Pint of Wine, and a Pipe of Tobacco, drew these following Lines into my Head; which being applica­ble to the matter in Hand, I have given to the Read­er.

The Referree’s, for want of an Umpire, which the Plaintiff would not admit of, could bring the matter to no manner of Conclusion, so that the Accommo­dation propos’d was render’d quite ineffectual: And the next Sitting, in favour of their being Astrologers, their Cause was call’d on by the Court, about Eleven at Night, when the Moon and Stars were in their greatest Glory, and bore Dominion in Sol’s Ab­sence, within our Horizon: Both Parties put great Confidence in the present Position of the Heavens; and according to their Astrological Judgment, they had both made of the Stars neither could find point­ing towards them such an Evil Direction, but that each had equal Hopes from the Propitious Aspects of the

Planets, of overcoming of his Adversary, but could not throughly determine by the surest Rules of their Art, who should have the best on’t. One trusted so very much in the Stars, that his Friend had much ado to perswade him to Fee Councel, which occasioned some of the Wizzardly Fraternity, to Conjecture that he expected the Planets should have Pleaded for him. The Plaintiff Erecting a Scheme a little before Tryal, found by the Position of the Heavens, the Judge would be the Lord Ascendant in the matter, and that the Jury were the Twelve Signs, towards which, the Pla­nets of the Law, the Councel, were to direct their Influence, and accordingly took care to secure, by the Interests of Sol, the very Mars and Mercury of the Laws, to give his Cause their Assistance, whilst the Defendant had engag’d none but Saturn on his part to bid Defiance to his Adversary.

All things being put in as good Order as they were able, the Verbal Engagement was begun so stre­nuously on the Plaintiff’s behalf, who, according to the Custom of such like Wars, always make the first on-set, that a stander-by might have easily foreseen who would gain the Victory, without the Rules of Astrology. The Nimble Weapons of Offence and Defence, being almost tired with long Pleading in many foregoing Causes made not half the Pastime as the Audience expected; who were Apprehensive of hearing the Conjurers Bandied about the Court from one to another, by their Bantering Advocates, and that they had chose to make the weighty Difference of their Wrangling Clients but the Courts Divers­ion, which the lateness of the Night, and the Weari­ness of the Councel, it was suppos’d prevented, to the great disappointment of many Young Students, as well as Old Practicers in the Noble Art of Pump and Wheedle; to which, in this Capacious Town, there are of both Sexes an abundance, not only Pretenders,

but real Artists: In half an Hours time from the be­ginning of the Debate, the Business without much trouble was brought to a Determination: The Plaintiff, however his Stars favour’d him, obtain­ing a Verdict, the Compassionate Jury, not knowing but some time or other it may be their own Case, gave him Five Pound Damage for the great Abuses he had Honestly deserved by a just Provocation.

The Decision of this Controversie prov’d very un­lucky to both Enemies, for they were neither of them well satisfied with the Justice done to both Par­ties, the Plaintiff being very angry his damage was no more, and the Defendant very much displeas’d they had given him so much; so that the Jury would have had a very hard Task to have pleas’d both, since they were so unfortunate in their Concurrence that they could content neither.